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I'm a girl at 15 from Norway. This blog's just for complaining to the world and write about my life. Just so you know. Yeah, and I got some words of wisdom once and a while which may interest you. Enjoy!

Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm Tired = I Can't Feel

Warning: This is a "My life sucks" blog. Bare with me.

Yesterday... was a nightmare. Or, at least the evening was. The whole night I was walking around tired as hell. But the clock in my head says I can't just go to bed at 6PM, no matter how tired I am. So I didn't. But when the clock inside my brain told me it was time to sleep, I couldn't.

What I do when I can't sleep? Thinking about life and writing about it. So I did, but not here. To turn on the computer again wasn't that a good idea, so I wrote in my diary instead. But sharing as I am, I give you a summary here:

Sunday January 17 2010
Right now I don't feel anything. Or... I'm empty. I know for sure that I have thousands of feelings kept inside my head, but at the moment I can't find them. I was about to write that "it's so frustrating", but I can't really feel that either. I know I feel it somewhere deep inside, but knowing versus experiencing is so different.
I've read that some people, when in pain, lock out their feelings. That it's something the brain just does, so the person can keep on fighting.
People serving in conflict areas for the army is supposed to learn how to control what you feel and not, controlling the part of the brain that escape your feelings. But ex-servants still end up with post-traumatic stress...
No, feelings won't pass today.Wait; I think I'm feeling! I'm tired. That's what I feel. I'm freakin' tired.

That was my feelings of yesterday. No feelings and sleepiness.

Blah. I was tired as hell, but couldn't sleep. My head was (and still is) filled with thoughts and feelings, but I can't really feel the feelings. My brain stopped. Actually, it's still on "Stop". To hell with it. I'm sleeping now. It's half past 7 - believe it or not. Hour worth of sleeping.

No hard feelings. No feelings at all, to be more precisely.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Talking In Norwegian Thing

Would anyone please tell me why I can't say "gay", "queer" nor "lesbian" in Norwegian? I beg you, it would help me a lot.

So, can I say it's official? One year ago, around this time, I finally understood myself and my feelings. I'm gay. Or, right now, I'm having an argue with my psychologist and myself because I got problems convincing myself that I understand my feelings, but that's another story. Anyway, let's set January as the month to celebrate. Or, do you celebrate the anniversary for when you came to terms with your own sexuality? Just wondering. Now, whatever.

Now, I think I'm going to push myself onto the track I was supposed to follow when writing this. OK, let's do this.

I'm here, I'm queer. It's A; OK to be gay. 2QTBSTR8, actually. So, why the heck can't I just say it? Actually, I can. In English. But that doesn't matter, because I live in Norway, and my mother tongue is Norwegian. That's why I got to actually be able to say "I'm gay" in Norwegian. But at this time, I don't.

To be honest, I have no idea why the words won't leave my tongue. "I just can't say it," I told my psych for the 18th time today. I guess he understood, but I don't. It's just three freakin' words!

No, I have no idea. I wish it was easier. Let it slip away, and forget it. My wish. And what is most confusing to me is that I have no problem whatsoever saying "I'm gay" in English. But in Norwegian everything stops. I can't even write it! So, now neither communication methods, speaking nor writing, works to express this feeling.

It's about who I fall in love with, and who I wish I could screw. That's it. It's not much, is it? Or...? Well, maybe it is. Because it's about who I, in the future, want to share my life with. But when I can't even express myself, how the heck am I supposed to make that happen?

Shitty, shitty. I gotta get a life, and stop blogging. But I can't. It's kind of an obsession...

I'm gay - Jeg er ...

Friday, January 8, 2010


I went to church today... For some reason I ended up in some kind of church today. And I wish I never did.

So, way before Christmas, a friend of mine asked me if I would come with her to a meeting at a local congregation. As several of my friends, family and acquaintances, she's quite a conservative Christian, with a somewhat old-fashioned view of the world. My father has for quite some time now wanted me to go to one of the congregation's meetings, putting this particular friend as an example. So I accepted. I could possibly learn something new, and some other friends of mine (both more liberal (and some atheists)) were coming too.

What I've heard about the meetings varies a lot. Some love it, others find it weird and/or crazy. But I've always tried to stay positive when it comes to religions, as long as it's not affecting me too much. And yes, religions, and then especially Christianity, has caused me a lot of problems. Still, I try to stay as positive as possible, and not judge. Because I've also seen religions make people happy. And as long as my friends are happy, I don't bother too much about their religious beliefs.

Anyway, I knew I had nothing else to expect than a little dose of craziness. And crazy it went. Kind of. Or, as crazy and weird as this kind of meetings can get. But I would never have expected my reactions. No matter how brainwashed they were, and I can (somewhat) take brainwashed, when they started to sing... I just felt the need to cry. Because never have I've been reminded more of my background than the moment they started singing about how God is supposed to be a savior. And when people raised their hands for some sort of praise to God or something... No, I was totally overwhelmed.

There's something with Christianity that makes me shudder. I feel so uncomfortable with the praising and believing. And what they sometimes end up saying... No, I just think it's horrible. It puts you under a lot of pressure; In this tiny little box where you're supposed to live, breathe and survive. And every single time I end up thinking about Christianity, my sexuality comes to mind. Because for a lot of Christians here have a problem with the true me...

But when I see how some of my friends' faces lights up the minute they hear something read from the Bible; Or that their smile is almost stopping them singing because they smile so brightly. That's what's making me surprised, but happy for these friends. Because as long as they're happy and somewhat healthy, I want them to be themselves. No matter how crazy their opinions might seem.

Maybe that's one of the things that breaks my heart when I try to place myself in a Christian setting... No, I don't know. But I wish it was different. I don't like to judge, not me, nor anyone else.

Phrase of wisdom: Happiness can create hell.

Monday, January 4, 2010

To Write Or Not To Write

I thought about quitting. Maybe I shouldn't sit here in my room in front of the Mac complaining over my life for the whole world. Because to be honest, I'll have to say that the posts are getting more and more depressing and negative. But I'm really not sure...

Over my blog you can see a blue banner made by the Blogspot creators. There are some "Report this" and "Report that" links, and there's a "Next blog" button as well. Curious as I am, I had to push that to check it out. So I ended up at some random blog. And the only thing I could see was children. A lot of them.

I really don't have any specific thoughts on children more than that they're irritating. Way too many people love and adore children, but I don't. Why I have no idea, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that when I pushed "Next blog" again, there where more children. And after that, even more! Pictures of children between the age of zero and eight years spamming the blogs at

I'm making you dislike me because I don't really like children. No, but seriously. And what I could see (for as long as I could handle (aka just a couple of seconds)) in these spamming pictures of children way too young to be exposed on the Internet, was that they were all so happy. And there my message got through (I hope).

All that happiness... It did something to me. It made me feel; Look for my feelings. I don't feel that sense of joy and happiness (as if you didn't get that already). Why? I guess that's the reason I talk with a psychologist three to four times a month. But still.

And believe me, I actually read something of what was posted too. All the positive vibes you could read both in and between the lines made me think a second or two. So, I'm considering to end the blog. I'm not deleting it whatsoever, because it's like some sort of evidence (so that if I ever end up doing something wrong, I can blame my psyche and possibly get away with more counseling, and no jail time).

Why am I even writing anymore? At this point I know about two people I know and am friends with that reads my blog. Maybe I'm writing for you, guys? Because verbal communication isn't really my thing. Through this blog I can then better explain what's happening to me, without messing up the words.

Maybe I shouldn't write for you either. Because it's not that fun to read such negative stuff I end up writing. Especially not when you know me, and I'm a friend. Or, at least I believe that's how it is. I can't say how you feel, though. Feelings are made in our own brain, and to understand others' feelings is hard. No, I have no idea.

We'll see. There's no day like tomorrow. My words of wisdom for today.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

It's Over

Now it's finally really over. The only family members within the radius of one mile right now are my mother and my brother. Usually I don't tend to thank any god for that, but now I certainly am. I now have gotten a minute of freedom, a minute of peace. It probably won't last for too long, but whatever. I don't care. It's the small victories that makes the big one.

When I think about it, it's kind of odd I got through this Christmas at all. As if I didn't have about a million thoughts running through my head, I also had to cope with my family. This Christmas my mother, my brother and I visited my mother's parents. And because they live quite far away, we had to stay with them the whole Christmas. It's not bad being where they live or anything, it's just the people I can't cope with 24/7. But I stayed through.

No, I'm not going to go down in every little detail explaining why everything is wrong this time, because if you've read previous posts, you'll totally know what's making the picture blurry. Instead I'll write something halfway positive. Because this Christmas, the Christmas of 2009, I managed to not come out. I kept on, doing my best to control my feelings, and didn't say a thing. And that's a good thing. At least for me, at this time.

I was scared when the holidays started. "What if I say something wrong?" was a thought running through my head, "What if I miss a word that shouldn't ever be mentioned?" I was scared to hell. As if I wasn't there already. The whole two weeks every single muscle in my body was tightened. I kept thinking, day and night, on that moment that could come. If I ever said anything wrong, I could end up in the cold, all alone.

The days went by. I managed to control myself. No, I couldn't relax, but I kept on going. I woke up, walked, took a breath. And thankfully the days passed. For a whole two weeks I managed to be there, with them. And now it's finally over. Thank a god.

That was my Christmas of 2009. Now I've got to feel for myself how it is suffering in the holidays. And I certainly know why the helplines get so many calls around Christmas. A lesson I would gladly be without, but now I know. It's a lesson of life.

Don't walk my shoes.

If you, for whatever matter, want to know more about my family, just click the tags "family", "grandpa", "grandfather", or "grandparents" and read. There's whatever I've written about them, and you might then get what I mean when I tell you how Christmas was for me.
Enjoy reading.