My photo
I'm a girl at 15 from Norway. This blog's just for complaining to the world and write about my life. Just so you know. Yeah, and I got some words of wisdom once and a while which may interest you. Enjoy!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Saving Letters

Dear mom and dad,

I wish life was easy. And I wish you understood me as me.

As from a young age I've had my problems. I've tend to be very angry at times, arguing and unhappy. As well as tearing on my own life, I've for sure made others' worse than it should. My life has been a roller coaster filled with some happiness and a lot of sadness. Didn't you see that?

I can remember that I once was very angry at school, and one day I refused to attend class after lunch break. Something came over me, I'm sure, even though I have no idea what it was. But I was so angry! I hit my teacher who tried to get me inside, I started screaming, and my eyes flooded with tears. I was broken, for whatever reason. After that episode the teacher called back home to tell you. You asked me, I didn't answer.

Sometimes, when I was in primary, I started to cry for no reason, usually in class. Maybe we were listening to some music to relax after a long day filled with Math, Norwegian and Science. Or it might've been me sitting by myself doing handcraft, thinking about everything and nothing. I just burst out in tears. What it was, I can't tell you. Because I have no idea. Or, at least it's just vague guesses.

What I know is that this sadness still got me. Somehow it won't leave an inch. Why am I like this?

There was this episode in third grade. The nurse was at the school to check how we were doing, measuring height and weight and stuff. Then we talked a little each with her. As a small school, this was what they did. Or... I guess so. I had to talk with her twice. This was right after your divorce, but I was feeling kinda OK. Still, I had to talk with the nurse twice. To this day I can't remember anything from our conversations, else than that I was crying real bad. I have no idea why - crying is the only thing I can remember.

This sadness hasn't managed to leave me to this date. It's not as present as it was when I was younger, but it sure is here today too. I want it to leave!

Today I'm a different person than one and a half year ago. I'm not as stupid and naive, and I've become a more real person. But I'm still hiding, and I'm still sad. The last year I've learned a lot about myself. I know stuff about myself I kind of hoped you would notice, and kind of hoped you'd never see. I'm not telling you that right now, and right direct, but I want to know this: Didn't you see?

I've been depressed. I've been too close to suicide. I've been hating myself so bad. Some of it is gone now, some of it isn't. How couldn't you see that? Your psychiatrists for God's sake! And you didn't see the signs. Maybe you wouldn't see. I don't know. And no, it's not over yet. I've got quite a way to go before I'm really real and myself. But I've made it so far, so why shouldn't I manage to walk the last bit without you?

I've been alone. I am alone. Let's hope the rest of the road will be easier to find and easier to follow. What I've learned? Life isn't easy. Maybe it's not supposed to be easy either. But you're making things so much harder when you're without someone - anyone - by your side.

You don't see what's right in front of you, right?


If life was as easy as writing a letter. And yes, this is me being fully honest. Not 97% honest, as to this blog, not 85% honest, as to the psychologist. But a 100 percent honest. Follow my lead?

My life is a lie. Deal with it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Thoughts Of A Creative Soul

I don't know what to write. Trust me, I'll sure find something to rant about, but this blog isn't for ranting over my thoughts and beliefs. This blog is just for my sorrow, hope and loss into the life of being me. So, now I don't know. Or, it'll come along the way.

Past couple of weeks I've been coming out to several people. It's been easier and better than I expected, though more weird, crazy, hard and more more weird than I could ever imagine. Sounds crazy? I bet you it's been worse than that.

I've told a person I wouldn't imagine telling about my sexuality to. I've heard weird things come out of my teacher's mouth because she didn't know if she was following the rules correctly or not. I've ruined my life to build it up again, all within a few hours. I've been acting, hiding, lying, real, truthful and myself. I've been weird as well as normal, and hating as well as loving. But I've not been hateful.

When I told this person I was never really planning on telling, I was relieved. Then confused. With relief, sadness, anger and disappointment to follow. I think I'll end with disappointment. Because she already knew. She's been reading this blog for quite some time now, and she already knew.

I'm probably exposing this "drama", if I can call it so, too much right now. But I can't get over it. I just can't. Maybe it'll stay with me for the rest of my life, just as a reminder. Hopefully not, but you never know. No, it's not because I'm hurt, but because... No, I don't really know. It'll just stay.

Am I giving everybody some sort of bad guilt right now? Because I don't want to be a blamer. The only thing I want right now is to let everything go away, letting me be alone, and this to be out of the world. Like really, who needs this shit? I don't need this sort of negativity around me, nor within me. But it won't go away.