HMSunnyMH

In Shock

2011-07-02T17:16:00.002+02:00

I'm in shock right now. All the feelings from 1,5 years ago, when I was depressed, are now coming back. I just saw him, my former therapist. And, in the irony of life, I've seen 10 episodes of In Treatment the last couple of days. And today, while walking to the supermarket just half an hour ago, I saw him. Fuck.

My therapist was a good guy. I really, really liked him. But honestly, I'm frightened right now. Not because he did anything odd when I saw him, but just because. You know, I had major panic attacks every time I had to go to his office. It was just... I don't know. Scary. He did great, but I still can't get over the fact that it all scared me loads.

I was walking. Down the last little hill before I you get to the supermarket. There were some cars coming up the hill, with some space in between. Just at a sudden, I saw a familiar face in the car. I always follow every car I pass on this way with my eyes, and I smile at them. Suddenly I realized who I saw. I couldn't believe it. I don't even know how to put this happening into words. But yeah. He smiled, I think. I don't know if he knew who I was, but maybe. I'm not sure if I've changed much in 1,5 years, I really don't. But suddenly I was like "Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Fuck. What do I do now?" And then I had to relax myself, telling me to breathe and not to panic. Yeah, that worked fine...

Damn, I won't get depressed again now! I was thinking about seeing the school councilor at UWC, but I don't know. I'm fine, ain't I? There's nothing wrong me, right?

No, I'm not sure. I am fine, I trust you. But still. My relationship with father sucks, and yeah. But I don't know. I've come to believe that all artists have to be a bit mad. I'll easily confess that I'm a bit mad, but still. Is there anything more? I don't know. See, on one side I'd like to be really happy and to have no problems. On the other side I won't let that ruin my possibilities of becoming a great artist and performer. No, I don't know.

Don't freak out, Sunniva, you'll be okey.

Until We Bleed covered by Meghan Tonjes

To Everyone Who Dislikes Homosexuality

2011-05-04T21:09:00.002+02:00

So, I'm off to UWC! My life has improved dramatically since whenever I posted last time. I just wanted to say that. Starting August I'll spend the next two years at a fantastic school: Armand Hammer United World College of the American West. You should definitely check it out! The Norwegian homepage of the UWC organization is this, and my school's homepage you can find here. Now go take a look, darling!

Armand Hammer United World College of the American West (UWC-USA)

Now that is what I call a school!

Anyhow, when at UWC I know I'm going to meet people who dislikes or just hate homosexuality and homosexuals. As I'm gay myself, it will hurt when someone might say "You're a sinner!" right at my face. But when you start being unfriendly yourself in such a situation, you'll never get anywhere. That's why I'm doing the opposite.

"Why are you gay? I don't like that. It's unnatural, and I won't accept it!"
"Well, I accept you. It's OK for me that you don't like gay people. But can you say that you don't like me, although you barely know me? If you try to get to know me, and you still don't like me, that's fine with me. My goal in life isn't to be liked. My goal in life is to be me and to be free. If you want to get to know me, despite the fact that I fall in love with other women, I'd really like that. But I hope you won't judge me right off because you found out that I'm gay, and just leave it with that. Try to get to know me, and find out if I'm as horrible as you believe."

Live in peace, not hate.

Claude Debussy - Arabesque No 1

That Fucking Blood

2011-02-19T23:28:00.003+01:00

I know you people don't see me often, but whatever. I got a life. Impressed? So yeah. I'm sorry, I don't want to be mad at you. I just want to be mad at someone. Do you know who's stupid? My father. He's kinda a dickhead. And as I'm way too gay, I'm allergic to dickheads. Is me+father=good then true? Didn't think so either.

Sometimes my father just gets on my nerve. He can be so arrogant, and I bet he believes he's just the good the world needs. Mind you, I know how stupid this sounds like. Everybody hates their parents sometimes. But when you go angry to bed for the fourth time this week, there's something wrong. It can't be right at least. He does deserve my harsh words to come.

OK, what is really wrong with him? Well, he believes he's this superb environmentally friendly person. Which he's not. The only reason he can find for actually dividing the trash into paper, plastic, food and waste is because of his wife, who for some reason actually cares. Maybe she just wants to be a "good" person. But whatever. My stepmother is cool enough, at least sometimes. She's not worth caring that much about, at least not right now. Anyways, why does my father even try to care about the environment? Except that his wife might think he's more sexy while throwing the paper into the paper basket, he's got no reason. Maybe he wants to please me? Nope. Not everything is about me, you know.

Another thing that makes my father stupid, is how he interacts with his (step-)children. He wants to be oh so good, say positive things to them and be nice. He sounds so fake. Believe me, he won't exactly win an Oscar in the nearest future. Not even Juilliard could make him good. He's untruthful, and don't even care whether he says something that makes sense or not. It's just... wrong. Sorry.

What I wish the most that my father would do better, is to not pick the wrong fights. He can talk half an hour with my little brother because he (understandably enough) doesn't wish to kill himself in the form of school. My little brother is amazing, I tell you that. But of course he shouldn't do nothing but school when he's only in 8th grade! He is 13 for God's sake! But my father still doesn't think my brother is doing good enough. He is. He doesn't even know it himself, but he sure is.

When a parent is arguing about a chocolate or a school assignment, instead of caring about what really is the matter, that is a problem. That's what my father does. It just makes him look stupid. Even I believe he's stupid now.

My father makes me hate him. It's not my fault. And I hate my "blood connection" to him. Even though he's my biological father, doesn't mean that he acts like a father should. And while I've got way too much to do, and can't be home to take care of my brother so much, I feel scared. Scared for what my baby brother fears, what makes him sad in life. I know that he also has a problem with dad, in some way or another. If I could only be around him as much as I wish, and look after him. My brother is my love. All I fear is him not being OK.

Maybe I'm scared of my father. Or maybe I just hate him. One or the other. I want to tell him I'm gay. But he doesn't deserve it. He really doesn't deserve it, at all. He's just stupid. Fuck him.

Do I need to talk to somebody again?

Teardrops falling on my head

2011-01-20T21:40:00.002+01:00

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do

http://xxxsimone.tumblr.com/

Right now I'm listening to Morning Bell/Amnesiac by Radiohead. There's this... Wooden drum, or maybe a bass guitar. In the far background. It sounds like heartbeat. If my heart would beat that ordinary, I would be amazed.

I carry a lot of shit. A lot of baggage. For some reason. There is a reason, of course. But it's a curse, so don't tell anyone. I still try to cry sometimes. It isn't very efficient, I can trust you. Maybe I'm only able to cry when there's somebody around? Actually, I can fake to cry. But I can't gather my mind and lose a tear or two.

I. Am. Happy. Did you know that? Fuck, now it seems as if I believe everybody reading this is stupidity himself. I'm sorry. But I am happy. At least when the world is somewhat good. I think I like being happy. It's somewhat comforting. But who cares for me now? I can't seek attention by being happy all the time. Or, I can get attention, but... You don't get that feeling when others feel sorry for you. I'm not even sure if I like that feeling. But I kinda miss being depressed. Bad sign?

Oh, what crap I've been writing down for the past two years. Scenario after scenario... Which none of then ever happened. Maybe for the good, though.

I'm messaging with this girl. She's really cool! And we actually have things in common (you didn't see that one coming, did you?). It feels good to have that. I think I'll call it friendship. You don't have to physically meet a person to be friends, right? No. She's a good person.

Every day is a day, no matter what. No matter what. I want to write a movie script.

Honestly

2010-12-09T23:25:00.004+01:00

The Las Vegas skyline, copyrighted

Maybe everything is a lie. Maybe we aren't who or what we are. Maybe it's just not how the world is supposed to be put together.

Fuck it. I can't remember how it is to be depressed. Or, I do know how it feels like, I just can't say whether I'm depressed or not right now. That is the problem. Knowing is always the problem. It's not just enough to think, to believe. You have to know the truth. At least that's how I work. Nothing can be proved right or wrong, but you have to know to be certain.

Maybe it is so that the depression is just something that comes every late autumn and stays for a while? If the world wasn't that confusing... Then I might survive another winter. With snow. And Christmas. And family. What a joy that would be. Well, not really...

I don't want it to get back onto me. The suicide thoughts. The bad habits of not doing anything, feeling anything or being anything. I want to survive this winter. Right now, today, there are so many things to actually be here for. Be me for.

I don't want to cry.
I don't want to not be able to cry.
I don't want to feel unworthy.
I don't want to be silent.
I don't want to open the car door when my grandfather is driving.
I don't want to be afraid.
I don't want to lie to myself.
I don't want to be helpless.
I don't want to not wanting to feel.
I don't want to loose my great support.
I don't want to suppress my feelings.
I don't want to not being able to smile.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to act cold and heartless.

I don't want everybody else to feel sorry for me.

I wonder how it is to be a victim of incest.

So Lucky

2010-09-23T08:41:00.003+02:00

I didn't think life was this hard. It is, though. Or. This Friday my whole class went on a sleepover together. It's weird. Because they respect me. I could go to bed at 11.30 PM – live my life.

I came out to 23 of my 25 classmates this Friday. We had this game where you had to tell a secret for every Smarties you ate, and the type of secret depending on the color of the Smarties you took. Red means "love". And of course I had to pick a red one.

"Hm..." I said. At first everybody was talking and stuff, but at last the ruler of the game got everyone to shut up. "OK," I continued, "My name is Sunniva, and I haven't thought any heterosexual thoughts in two years." Everybody went silent. Silence. My point of telling my name in the beginning was to be funny, AA meeting lookalike. That didn't happen...

I was just like "What the fuck?", because nobody said anything. It was just silent in the room, and everybody looked shocked. Didn't they understand? Shit. Shit, shit, SHIT!

Somehow the ice was broken, and people started asking me things and stuff. Praising... something, I answered and stuff. But everybody was shocked, and that's what shocked me as well. When I came out to my friends, they didn't look that shocked. Trust me, it was bad. But hilarious while looking back.

God, I'm glad it's over. I've been thinking about coming out to my class, because I want to be true to myself and everybody around me. But I didn't want it to be like "Now we have to be serious, and I'm going to tell you my biggest secret ever!". No, I wanted it to fit, and it did. I'm glad. Really, really happy.

Sometimes the world doesn't end, even though you might think otherwise.

Feeling Close To Nothing

2010-09-03T23:03:00.003+02:00

Hi y'all. How you doin'? Oh, I'm fine, thank you. Smileyface.

A new chapter of my life started three weeks ago. I started at a new school, with completely different people. My real life started. My true life.

I'm really, really happy. Because that school is like magic. I think that if I didn't attend exactly this school, I'd be really depressed right now. Really. But every day these new 25 people in my class make me smile. I just have to. Because they're worth it.

Still, the happiness isn't real. Because every day I think that there's something wrong, something that shouldn't be. For some reason. First day of school I asked my new teacher where to go to be assigned to a psychologist. The first day. The first day of the new life. The new beginning. But I think I couldn't have done otherwise. That would've been stupid.

I feel there's something missing. Because when I think really, really hard on what my life contains while on the train at 7.15 in the morning, I can't find the positive. Or, I can find the positive, but I can't find the positive life. It hurts, I can assure you. Maybe it's just how it's supposed to be.

Is this how I was thinking and acting before? Because I sometimes feel this great deja vú. It might not be the case, maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be, but maybe it isn't. And that's why I wanted help. I don't want my new life to start with sorrow and negativity. I think I was brave, though.

The answers I find don't seem reasonable. Because I have no idea what is happening anymore. Maybe that is a sign from my brain to seek help. At least I managed to do so. I follow my heart. At least sometimes. I hope it is worth it.

I might be in love. Because she is really cute, pretty and lovely. She's actually kinda perfect, even though I realize she ain't. But I really like her. Did you know I've never had a boy- or girlfriend? Like, a romantic relationship. That's what it's called. And I'm a virgin, and I haven't ever been drinking. For me that is courage and truthfulness.

Did you know that if you take the first sentence in all the sections above (except the first one of course) make out a poem?

A new chapter of my life...
Started three weeks ago
I'm really,
Really happy
Still,
The happiness isn't real
I feel there's
Something
Missing
Is this how I was thinking and acting before?
The answers I find
Don't seem reasonable
I might
Be in love

I like it. At least a little. I don't know what to do with myself. I cried today. Because I read some of what I wrote here on the blog for about half a year ago. I was totally broken. Devastated, horrified, scared.

The worst part is that I miss it. A little too much.

Surprise

2010-08-12T23:22:00.003+02:00

You people deserve a happy blogpost. You think you get it? Get excited, because you might! Yeah, I'm not gonna join the commercial business (hopefully)...

The Only Exception - Paramore

You know what? I. Am. Happy. Yes, I said it: I am happy. Now you might think "What the heck?!", but trust me: I'll be back to normal tomorrow. Probably. Yeah, I don't know. But that's what I'm used to; My life brings ups and downs, the key is to manage to live with them. God, I really sound like a psychological mess...

Yeah, that was the thing I was thinking about. Happiness. Why am I happy? Because on Monday, three and a half days from now, I'll start a new year. A new decade as well. Maybe. Because I'm starting at a new school, in a new city, with new people and new meanings. Stavanger Cathedral School, that's the school. Hopefully it'll make miracles happen. Hopefully. You never know.

I'm so excited! After about 6 years of boredom in the public school system, I'm finally starting a "real" school. Yes, it is a public school, but it's a real school. A good school. Different. Hopefully people are weird, funny, a bit crazy, and really smart. Something similar to me. God, what a school! I'm excited.

Fuck, if the school sucks, I'm finished. Really. But it would be a sensation if it does. Suck, I mean. Because all the evidence says it doesn't. So... No, but I'm excited. I don't give a shit that I got to take the train for half an hour each way every day. I don't care! Because that school is in my heart. Yeah, and I gotta prepare to live in the real city where you have to take the subway for half an hour on your way to Uni or work. It's called life. In the city, I mean.

Yeah, I am happy right now. I just got to find out what to wear. You know what? I might have some sort of eye for fashion. Yeah, what a shock. But I might, I tell you. So... Let's hope this school year won't suck. I don't even care if you pray for me, as long as you don't tell me. You won't get that permission very often, so if you care about that sort of stuff, you better get at it right away.

I'm gonna sleep now. Sometimes I'm such a 25 year old. Like, a teenager and smart at the same time. Kind of. OK, bye now. Now this sounds like a conversation on some sort of IM. Why didn't AOL become popular in Norway? Whatever. This is how I think when I'm about to fall asleep.

I still love that song. It's on repeat. Thanks, honey, for wanting me to learn it to you on piano. Sweet dreams.

We Are All Weird

2010-08-10T23:24:00.003+02:00

21 Guns - Green Day (American Idiot Cast Version)

This is my I-feel-horrible-and-need-some-emo-music-to-get-over-it-all music. It's pretty fabulous, right? When in New York in the end of June, my family and I saw this amazing musical where the song's taken from. I still love it. Their version of Before the Lobotomy was fabulous too, and very touching. But yeah... I suck at changing subjects.

Now I'm listening to Die Polizei - Kaizers Orchestra. You should check it out on Spotify, YouTube or wherever. It's lovely. Even though you don't understand all the lyrics (it's in three different languages all at once; Norwegian, German and English), it just is. Really, really good.

I really haven't told you anything except throwing my sappy songs over you. You're trapped, and then you vanish. I wonder how it is to forgotten. To not exist, even though you do. It must suck.

You know what? I hate my father. Right now I really, really hate him. Even more than I hate my grandfather. And it ain't easy to hate anyone more than I hate my grandfather, at least not when he hasn't done that much of a damage to the world. Or, at least not to the world's world. But he's destroyed my world. They both have, really.

Does anyone know what's almost as hypochondria, but you're afraid of something bad happening instead? Maybe it's just anxiety... But that's what my father's got. Or so I believe. He thinks I'm going to die of a heart attack when I'm swimming across a rather small lake. With a life jacket. Right next to my cousin at 14, also covered in a life jacket. Yep, anxiety.

But now I'm happy, no matter how emotional this music is. Talking to hilarious friends via Facebook chat is just genius. Politicians are the funniest. At least those in my liberal, loveable Venstre (Left). No, now I ended up happy. Well, that's good, I guess. Thank god.

Did you know I'm creative? I think I'll post my US holiday video here when it's done. It's played with this amazing piece of music in the background. Love it.

Listen to it here
Kids - MGMT

Weird.
Cool though.

Horny (My Apologies)

2010-08-04T22:20:00.004+02:00

Being horny makes me so fucking happy! Like, it's just to get it on, and I'll smile and be confident. Me like.

Fuck, now I regret writing that. So, for the next half an hour I'm gonna pretend I don't know anyone of you reading this, even though I know too many of you... Yeah.

Seriously, I could need a girlfriend right now. Not just for sex, no seriously, just for having that special one. But lonely wolf ain't got anyone. Fuck. Didn't I mention I swear too much when I write? Honestly, I almost never swear. At least not in Norwegian. But when you're writing to yourself in English, I bet it's kinda like having a split personality. Yeah, interesting...

But yeah, the case: I want love. Or at least a crush. And right now it seems like I'm the only one within the radius of a couple of miles that ain't got no girlfriend. Not that I know that many people that are looking for any girlfriend, but you get what I mean. Damn. Do you notice I'm kinda happy right now? It's not a super-mega-terrabyte serious post, this one. Or, maybe it is. Maybe I'm just fucking up my feelings (not the dirty way, you pervert) and compressing them into a small little box so I can be happy for once.

Yeah. I told you I end up happy when I'm horny. I just saw this weird, but still cool (and very, very sexy) movie this evening.And Then Came Lola. It's very weird, and I kinda ended up being very angry at the maker because she used repetition (ain't that what I'm doing as well when I make these slide show/movie type o' things?) all the time. Annoying. But I still couldn't leave it.

That probably says more about me than the movie... (Get a life, girl!)

So... Anymovie. I'm so confused. Wait, I can't talk about mental problems when I am in this state condition. That sounded weird. What I was saying (now for the third time...), is that I wish I had a girlfriend. Why ain't I got a girlfriend? Well... I'm probably too dorky, nerdy and weird for that to happen. But I can wish, right? Okay, that sounds even more weird. Fuck.

I'll keep my hopes up for Upper Secondary. When I say that, I really sound young. I am young. I'm not more than freakin' 15. But I think like I'm 25. Or... Not today. Yeah, split personality... Let's gather around and pray that HMSunnyMH will have a girlfriend in the nearest future. Maybe I should become a Christian. Yeah, now I really sounds like an annoying teenager. Fuck.

OK, I'm done with this. Now I'll listen to my sexy (though mostly weird) French music. Welcome to my life... This song is really sexy, though. It's musical porn. Yep, I invented that. Now get a life, you reader. Or writer. I bet I said it mostly to myself. I'm so cool; Talking to myself, and even writing to myself for everyone to read.

Over and out.

The sexy music, by the way (I bet you've heard it before, but I just heart this song, haha):

Swiss Chocolate Is Better Than Life

2010-07-28T13:52:00.006+02:00

Fuck. I just ate the last chocolate. Real, fantastic Swiss chocolate. Fuck.

I feel for putting up a picture right now. So I'll scroll through iPhoto and find the most depressing, unedited picture I can find. Editing isn't gonna do it. Because then it's fake. And a fake world willed with fake stuff and fake people, that's a world that sucks.

Weird picture from Las Vegas, on the top of the Stratosphere Tower. If fixing your camera is editing, then it's edited. Yeah, I know nothing about taking pictures. At least very little. But I'm too creative to not give it a try. So I snapped during my 3 weeks vacation in the US. This was very informative, right? Yeah, bye. And yes, I took the picture. No copyright. 'Cause it was pretty cool, actually. So, yeah...

So... My life, you ask? Not as crappy as it could be. Except that I'm soon to be hating almost everybody in my family. Not in a emo teenager way, but in a serious way. Yeah, that sounded so serious. Totally aware. So... How's life doing for the internet? I hate holidays.

People say I'm lucky. Hell yeah, I'm freakin' terrabyte lucky! But that doesn't mean I got to like my relatives, does it? Maybe I'm abusive. Because I come with them on expensive vacations, even though I really don't deserve it. But who, at the age of 15, deserve two really big and crazy vacations within one summer holiday? I've toured the US, and now I'm touring quite a part of Europe as well. I'm so fortunate and lucky, right?

This should make me happy. Or shouldn't it? Isn't that what people crave for – money? Is it so that people don't want to be happy? Or is that just shit, what I'm saying? But can you be happy with loads of money and expensive holidays? Nope. Sorry, but you can't.

I sound like a total bitch. I complain, I nag, I'm disrespectful. Sorry, but I'm not in the mood. To be different, I mean. Mean Girls. I am so confusing today. I bet the antibiotics is the one to blame, or just the bad cold I've got.

Yeah, and to you, my father: You can't make me love you more even though you try to be so kind and caring. I'm used to have bad colds. All I want is it to be gone. But I'm patient. I know I'll have to get past a couple of rough nights where I can't sleep, because I've been here before. I don't care how much love you got, because I know it ain't helping. It's just annoying me. And angry patients ain't a good thing, sorry.

No, I'm sorry in general. For everything. This is just a crappy day. That's when I breathe my nasty breath over this blog. That sounded nasty. Sorry, again. I gotta reply to a really sweet e-mail now. It might even make me happy for all I know.

God, I love Swiss chocolate.

United

2010-07-13T22:03:00.003+02:00

My brother's laughing while watching South Park. I'm laughing while chatting with random people. Is this life? Is this the good, the positive, the life how it's supposed to be?

I'm back. Back to where I don't belong. Back to the country I hate, to the people I hate. To the life I hate. I hate Norway. Maybe I just hate being around my family...

I saw them. In New York. This gay couple just popped out of nowhere. I walked towards those two girls, being so scared and so happy at the same time. They're gay! Two girls being together as a couple. I know they're gay, I just know it. That is what keeps me smiling at night. I'm not alone.

Actually I've seen quite a few gay people in the US during my holiday. The US got hope. Sure, Norway's got hope too, but not the same kind of hope. It's quite a difference between 4,8 million people and over 300 million. It makes every hope bigger, brighter. More realistic. I want to move.

This is dull. I'm listening to my newly created emo playlist on Spotify... What a life, right? I didn't get the opportunity to buy a pride tee. Too bad. I wish I had one. Maybe I'll make one. In the fall.

You know what? I got into the upper secondary that I love the most in the whole school district. This will be a new start. This fall I'll try to walk into that school being me. The real, full me. With flaws, with reality, with honesty. I'm gay.

Back On Track

2010-06-29T04:27:00.003+02:00

So, I'm opening myself up to my friends. A little more for each time I see them. I think I should link this page to a friend. You know what? I actually intentionally let a friend of mine read this shit I'm posting. I'm gonna do it again – let myself out to people. Wanting people to know me. And I think this place is the closest to be me. Just a sec, I'll let her know.

Okey, that's the longest Facebook message I've ever sent... Yeah, I def have a life. Not.

What I was going to write, causing the title, is this: I think I'm on my way back. Back to where I was in late 9th and early 10th grade. Which is back on track. The track that made me depressed and just bad. 2009 was the year of hell for me, and I really don't want to end up on the same path that I walked that year. Man, I need to talk to somebody.

I bet I've already told you (not that I actually remember what I've written here) that I've decided to get my ass back into a therapist's chair again. Still, I don't like the thought that it's not the same person I saw for half a year. Will I have to start everything all over again? Can he read what the other psychologist wrote about me? Will the new therapist suck?

Why the fuck did you have to quit? Bitch. No seriously, I needed you. Maybe I don't need you now, but I still need somebody. Fuck. It sucks "losing" the person you told everything to. Or at least it does when we didn't get the chance to finish.

I wish you could've seen me succeed. Becoming as close as possible to normal. Because we had something going, we really did. Maybe we could've "figured it out", and both could see the whole thing as a victory. You could look at it as a succeeded case, and I could tell myself and everyone that I'm not crazy. No, I would've given you that victory of making me happy again.

You made me happier and better, that's for sure. But the happiness went away, and I bet you I'll end up on the bad path again pretty soon. We'll see. I'll see. Honestly I think you think that I would need more help. That I wasn't really done. But we had to end. We both hope that I'll just get the courage to try once more. Do you have faith in me?

No seriously, I love how the psychologist and I had our own little psychoanalyzing thing between us. "I think you think", "you think I think" and "I think you think I think"'s. Poor guy... No, we both learned something, I bet you.

Now I just need the courage...

To A Broken Heart

2010-06-17T23:44:00.002+02:00

Hi.

You know what? I'm sorry we had to end like this. To be honest, I never thought we would. At least not like this. You're worth so much more. I'm worth so much more. We're both. We deserve better.

No, I don't really understand why you're so mad at me. I can imagine some of it, but far from everything. Right now I'm angry. At you, at the world, but mostly at myself. We deserve better.

Why did the contact stop? I separated more and more from you. I found it hard to feel "home". Maybe we weren't as close as I'd wished for. Maybe I was just too much. Because I can be, I know that. We both can be. But we still deserve better.

I know you didn't like it when I told you my therapist was quitting. He agreed with you, it wasn't a good time to quit. There's probably no right time to quit. But that was the situation. I got better, you know? I got over the suicide period, and I'm feeling better now. Still, I think I'll try to start therapy once again after the summer break. Just to get through with it. Because I try. We deserve better.

You helped me through so much, it's actually hard to believe it all. You were there for me, even though I acted like an ass. I had it like hell, but you were still by my side. For some reason. Because I know it must've been hard for you, experiencing all this. You've said that you're a very strong person, time after time. I know that, and I know it's true. But some things are still hard. We both deserve better.

I'm sorry for all the pain I've given you. To be honest, I don't know how much I've been a pain for you. But I'm sorry for whatever. I've been through hell, and I dragged you along in the side wagon of the motorcycle (whatever that means). I apologize for that. And I wish it never happened. We deserve better.

Right now I'm listening to Muse. Old songs, new songs. All to take away the pain and anger. Pain because I've found it really hard to lose you. Anger because I regret. I'm angry at you too, but, when it comes to it, it's just the anger I have for myself. We deserve better.

No, you can never redo anything, no matter who you are. But dreams and hope don't care whether there's rules or not. I want to make up with you, because I can't redo reality. You're a really good friend, and no matter what happens in the future, I'll always remember you. We deserve better.

For the backup on accepting myself, for the help when trying to talk to my teacher, for you outing me and explaining the problem to the school nurse, for the walk you had with me right before my first session with the psychologist. For the support on coming to terms with myself, for the great laughs, for the fantastic (but still disturbing (in a good way)) discussions, for the hugs, and for you being yourself. Thank you for being such a friend. I've been a nightmare, but that was when you stood by my side. I'm still a nightmare sometimes, but now we are separate. We deserve better.

You have a special place in my heart for all the things you've done for me. I owe you big, probably everything. You've kept me alive, and I thank you for that. Whatever happens later: Thank you.

Love, Sunniva.

Fuck.

2010-06-14T23:04:00.004+02:00

OK. Maybe I'm not fully OK yet. I'm not quite sure if I care right now. No, at the moment I don't care.

Maybe I should talk to my mother? Ask her if she'll send me to a psychologist. Because there is something wrong, and I have no idea what it is.

Fuck the world. I went to a psychologist for a freaking half a year! That's quite some time. Shouldn't it go away then? Shouldn't I feel perfectly fine now? Why am I not happy?

Maybe I'm chasing perfection, even though the world is imperfect. Am I supposed to feel this way? Please, I beg you, go away. I don't want this to happen once more.

Is this really a major deja vú? Is this exactly how I was last summer? If it is, then fuck it. I want to have a life. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why is my body doing this? Why is my mind screwing everything up?

Fuck.

Empty

2010-06-14T22:50:00.002+02:00

I think this is the first time I've ever written the title before the rest of the post... "Empty." Because that's exactly how I feel at the moment. Empty.

Today I've been making protecting skins for my Mac (aka Baby). I've been sowing all day. All freaking day, except from when I was at school for 4 hours. What a life I have. This post is meaningless right now.

Back to the emptiness. Somewhere into the sowing, I started watching the 'In Treatment' episodes I've downloaded. From season one, about Sophie. Gorgeous girl. I'm learning stuff when watching 'In Treatment'. Psychology stuff. Things about myself, and things about others. When can you say you've been sexually abused?

I'm so empty right now. Like I'm nothing. Or everything. I'm perfect. Or a big fail. Am I me? Is this me, the real me?

I love music. Right now I hate my creativity. But it is like the creativity is lost. And without creativity, I'm nothing. Nothing.

Empty.

Photo: Perfect/Fail
Properties: HMSunnyMH

I Can't Breathe

2010-06-09T20:40:00.003+02:00

Right now I'm hyperventilating. Because I'm scared. Which makes me hyperventilate even more. Fuck dogs.

That's right, I was scared by a dog. You know what? I'm freakin' scared of everything. And I hate it. I can breathe now.

Animals scare me in general. Whenever I'm at my great grandma's, there's this cat wandering around. And at a sudden, in the middle of the dinner, I feel something smoothly swipe my left leg. Slowly... And there you have me, terrified. Dogs are even worse. I scream loud, and don't know where the hell I'm supposed to put myself. Yes, I'm afraid of heights. But animals are different. They're not scary, they're deathly frightening. So I start crying.

Through the past year or so I've been "developing" my asthma. It's getting real bad nowadays, and I've started on regular medication. Mainly because I'm coughing like I've got lung cancer, but my doc thinks it's asthma (I don't disagree at all) causing it. So now I have to inhale weird powder that might give me fungus in my throat (!) if I use it wrong. Welcome to my life.

What is bad with asthma, is that whenever I'm scared, or just working out, I start hyperventilating. I need loads of oxygen, but my lungs find that hard to do. For some fucking reason. And I can't breathe. Then I get even more scared. Fucko, fucko, fucko. Yeah, today I feel sorry for myself.

What am I really scared of? I don't know. Nothing. Everything. Myself. Or those around. I try to live a "normal" life, but I just feel weird. Maybe my friends don't like that I'm gay? Do they have a problem with it? It's weird, isn't it, that a girl wants to be friends with other girls that are straight? Maybe she likes me? Maybe she wants to turn me straight?

Yeah, I think I'll try starting to talk with somebody again after the summer holidays. I'm sad. For no reason. Sounds familiar, Sunny? Kind of, yes... Fuck. This ain't fanfabulous. This is life. And it sucks. I need to talk to somebody.

This post's been containing too many swears. That's probably not good. I thought everything was OK. Fuck. My father's cutting the grass. Again. I hate allergies. I hate medicine. I hate it. Ex-psychologist: This was my fifteen minutes of sadness for today.

Low

2010-06-07T22:21:00.006+02:00

And I'm down the road again... But I was outside skinny dipping today. Yeah, that was totally out of context. *Gathering thoughts* OK, let's look at this. I promised the psychologist to if I ever felt bad. And I keep my promises. As far as possible, tho.

Lots have been happening lately. I've had my final exams for Lower Secondary, if there's anything like that. Grade 8-10 (7-9 within British/American standards). It's been pressuring, but not bad at all. I actually ended up with an A+ on my oral exam (in Religions). The written one I won't know about until graduation day, June 17th. We'll see. But it sure has been busy, without that much time to "figure out life" and stuff. That might've been positive, to just put everything away for a couple of days, but I don't think it really works...

Naval - Yann Tiersen

I think I'm hitting the lows again. I'm really not as happy as I was just a month ago. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of school, tired of friends, tired of people, tired of fitting in. Tired of everything. I think I'm going to watch a movie. A comedy. Something really funny. Because right now I need it. I don't give a damn that it's 11pm.

Yeah, that's also been a concern lately. I'm sleeping lighter now. And if you know me, and have slept by my side, you know I'm a heavy sleeper. A really heavy sleeper. But at a sudden I've been sleeping worse. And I can't fall asleep. I could fall asleep at 10.30pm sometimes. Maybe even before that. But now I'm not sleepy at 11. I'm not even sleepy at 12. I might sleep at 1am. No, the sleeping is getting worse.

I'm thinking about talking to my former teacher. Yes, I had a crush on her. That's not the point. She's over 40 for God's sake! No, I want to talk with her about my crazy year of 9th grade. I was a wreck. I was horrible. I was crazy. I was questioning. I was living and trying not to live at the same time. It was a really confusing time. Why do I want to talk about it with her? Because I want to tell her that I'm not as crazy anymore. That I'm better. Because she noticed something was wrong. But she wanted me to get through it myself.

I want to apologize. She deserves an apology. Because I really am sorry. And I put her through a lot. I put myself through a lot. I might've put the world through a lot. But here I am today. She deserves an apology.

The low is hitting me. Yes, the psychologist told me somewhat what to do when I'm feeling down. I'm not feeling horrible, I'm just feeling down. I'll make it through the two months of summer vacation, and then I'll see what I do. Maybe I'm going to look up a psychologist once again to really get through this, whatever it might be. Because today I'm clueless. As clueless music sometimes can be. Or, as clueless us humans can be when listening to music.

Yes, I think I'll try to get to talk with somebody again after the holidays. It's just to find the reason to talk with somebody. I tend to feel the need of a reason.

I'm crying now. I don't know why. But I'm crying. I'm an artist – a creative soul. It's beautiful, but It's a torture at the same time. I hate crying. I never cried at the psychologist. Almost six months, and no tears. I want it that way. I can't be vulnerable. I must stay true, stay strong. Stay me. And me does not involve crying. At least not around other people. These thoughts makes me cry. I've been using the verb 'to cry' far too many times in this section...

They say that you shall live like there's no tomorrow. Is there any tomorrow? When will I know tomorrow?

As Yesterday Cut, Tomorrow Sings

2010-05-27T22:33:00.003+02:00

"The times they are a-changing" Bob Dylan sings. Well, the times really are changing for me. But no, it's not the time that's changing, it's me. The last three months have made me change a lot. If some of my friends say I've changed dramatically, I believe them. But I'm happy with that.

Right now I got this worst headache ever. I bet this is like a hangover, though I've never drunk any alcohol ever. Maybe I'm getting ill. What do I know. I just finished my written math exam. My hope and belief is that it went OK, or rather good. Now I'm boring.

The situation with my parents is awkward at the moment. I'm OK with my mother, she's survivable, and actually a pretty good person. My father on the other hand, is getting on my nerves. And when somebody is getting on my nerves, I get pissed off. And I act like an idiot. That'll just be for now.

I'm thinking about therapy again. It's not like we ever finished it off and got to the end of it, good or bad. We just had to separate because of him quitting his job. But that's so. Still, I wish I could actually get down to it and really understand myself. I have a lot of questions, and a lot of confusion. But at the time being, without seeing anyone about it, I can't get over it.

Now as I've told my mother that I talked to this psychologist for half a year, I can possibly ask her if I feel the need to talk to somebody again. But I don't know if I've got "big enough" problems. We can't call us ill for anything. No, I don't know.

Sorry this isn't much of a smart-ass post or anything, but I needed to add something here. Just what I feel. To be honest, this blog has been filled with a whole lot of shit from it's beginning. But that's so. I'm the chief. You can't do anything about it, as long as you don't hack me. Go on, it's not that much to find.

How To Save A Life - The Fray

Not my kind of music, but it reflects my life at the moment. I might've lost a friend. Might've. I don't know what will come. But I guess it was because I've changed. I could change back, but that's not the person I want to be. Today's me is way closer to my heart than the me I've been acting like the past couple of years.

Tomorrow will show.

Hope

2010-04-24T22:26:00.004+02:00

Today was the second time this year I had shorts on. It was sunny outside, not so warm, but just fine. The blue skies begged for peace, the green grass stated change. It's spring.

To be honest I hate springtime. I have allergies, and this season is messing with my face as well as my head. Sometimes it's just as if everything explodes. But I survive every time, miraculously.

I'm relieved. I don't feel like a new person, but I can see that I might've changed throughout the last year or so. Someone says coming out completely changes their situation. Maybe that's so. I'm not sure for certain. The last couple of years I've been withdrawn from everything and everyone; I've been hiding. Now I've at a sudden gotten the opportunity to be me and free. Maybe I really have changed...

We all wish life was more simple sometimes. Not that that's ever going to happen... But hope is what's keeping us going. We look forward, or we're just so happy with our lives as it is. If you don't got one of those two, you haven't got much. I choose to believe that hope is what's made me going. When I look back it's really hard to understand what made me keep on as normal as possible, but somehow I made it.

Even though it's tempting to say that everything is perfectly fine now, I don't think I can do so. I know there's stuff inside me that shouldn't necessarily be there. And I've experienced how bad it can become. That's why I see it as important to not be caught on the wagon going to the "perfect" world. I can't put myself in such a vulnerable situation; It's not worth it.

With that said, I must say that I look at the world in a more positive way now than before. I think my life has gotten much better now than one year ago, and I'm very grateful for how my situation is today. The present builds up on my hope for the future. My "goal" looks more reachable now than ever before. And that's a good thing.

It's just to remember the positive when the negative wants to take control. Not exactly my specialty, but I'm working on it.

I'm Coming Out

2010-04-23T23:36:00.002+02:00

Diana Ross - I'm Coming Out

Yeah, that's probably the gayest song ever made. But I like it. Now, what happened this Wednesday:

My mother was driving me to my gymnastics practice, and while sitting in the car she just went:
– You've got some well thought out thoughts sometimes.
– Well, thanks... That might be because I've been going to a psychologist for the last half a year, I said.
– Oh... Well, I'm glad I got to know.
And then I got off for gymnastics...

So, after gymnastics practice my mother picked me up and drove me home. We didn't talk all "Oh my God! You're talking to a psychologist!!!" We got home, and in the kitchen we started talking a bit more.

– The reason I've been seeing a psychologist is because I'm a lesbian, I said.
– Oh... Really?
– Yeah...
And then there was this bad scary and awkward silence. I looked at her, and she smiled so weird.
– What?! I asked her
– No, it's nothing. Pause. – I'd really never guessed that...
So I assured her I am, and we started talking about our weird family. And then it was over.

I'm done! I'm freakin' done with it! I came out to my mother!

Yeah, this is the reason why I'm on a current high right now. But I'm done! It's weird, but it's real.

BJ Thomas - Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

"Mom...? We Need To Talk."

2010-04-19T21:54:00.003+02:00

OK, now it's finally coming. I'm considering telling my mother I'm gay.

To be honest, I never thought I'd say so. Or at least not yet. I'm a freakin' 15! I know one soul doing so before that age. Seriously?

Because I am really thinking about it — to come out to her. When my grandparents were in town for my brother's birthday a week ago, I listened to a conversation between my mother and grandfather. He's writing on (another) book, this time a "real" novel for adults. Filled with (way too much) sex, God, Christianity, condemnation, and homosexuality. Or the condemnation of gays. What a shocking move from him...

What actually is a little shocking to me is that my mother actually pointed out that, and of a sudden they two were discussing homosexuality for over an hour. Pure entertainment that should've been promoted in Big Brother, but that's so. Still, my mother argued pro homosexuals! Wow... That kind of made me speechless. Not that I can't see her as an ally (because I can, though I know a thing or two about her in advance nevertheless), but I've never really listened to her saying stuff like that. Weird, I'm totally aware.

So... This event has been what's made me to think about actually come out to her. The psychologist (I'm trying not to be "anti adults", which means actually listening to him (he really deserves it)) told me to try to establish an OK relationship with my parents, and then especially with my mother. Because I'm way too good at stripping down my emotions and be plastic (not popular bitch in high school plastic). So I'm supposed to allow them to get to know me, at least a little.

"Mom, I've been going to a psychologist the last half a year. And I'm gay. Now, I've accomplished to let you get to know me. I'm awesome." That's something that could easily come out of my mouth. If I decide to tell her. Chances? Am I a bitch if I say that I'll do it to take advantage of the stereotypes so she'll let me go to New York City Pride this summer?

We all wish things were easier than they are. My dream? That when I popped out of my mother's vagina at the age of zero, you could see a mark in my forehead saying "queer". But that didn't happen, and now I'll have to learn how to deal with that. Take the risk of coming out. It's not like she'll kick me out or anything. Or...

If I, hypothetically, come out to her tomorrow, should I go for a girly blouse or take the butch out in the open? Just asking...

The End Or The Start

2010-04-16T22:56:00.003+02:00

Meghan Tonjes - The End

Yeah, I think we all need some music today/tonight(/whenever you're reading this). Always, actually. And it fits this day. Every day actually.

Yesterday I had my last session with the psychologist. Which means I'm done. I'm freakin' done! No more "missing" the buss, no restless hours thinking about what some dude I don't even know thinks about me. I don't need to think through everything a thousand times and answer weird questions. And I didn't need to break the deal. He finished it, so I was left with no choice.

To be honest I felt so good after that last time. We talked seriously, we talked weird, we were right and wrong all over. He told me his "thesis's", letting me into the process of deliberate if they were good or bad. And now I know what he really thinks, and what he was left with after this period of almost half a year.

I'm grateful. I'm so grateful it's almost as I don't understand it myself. But I really am. Who "me" would've been if it wasn't for this, I don't even want to know. Bad, I guess. So yes, it's helped me. A lot.

What's happening further? I have no idea. He asked me whether I'd ask for help if I needed it later, and if it's gotten easier. I was a wreck after every session for a while only because I was terrified of going there... To ask for help might not be the easiest for me, but hopefully some of the scary is gone now, as I've seen "how it is". But I really hope this will be the first and last time ever no matter what.

Me ending up as a wreck again is what scares me the most, I think. But when I'm able to go straight to the wrong end, I guess it's possible to go to the right end as well. That sounded weird, but whatever.

Remember the feeling. If I can remember this feeling, I think I can stay happy. The key to happiness is more complicated than x+2=5.

The Killers - I Can't Stay

Go dance!

News: I'm Weird

2010-04-13T21:48:00.003+02:00

OK, now it's "out of the bag". Or the closet (?). The psychologist is finishing. He got a new job somewhere else (I know I'm not nosy enough to know where, and it kinda irritates me), and he's done by the end of April.

You know what? I'm kinda glad he's getting a new job. Because that means I don't need to be so "obsessed" thinking about when to stop having sessions with him. Still, I told him about the "I wanna leave"-thoughts, and he seemed somewhat worried. Yeah, my life is quite crappy sometimes, but I really don't need him to worry as well as me being afraid of what I'm capable of doing and whatnot.

Well, now right before he's quitting his job, we're sort of speed dating. Or if you ask me, that's the best thing to call it. Put in it whatever you want, but we're just seeing each other rather often right now (because I'm weird and have weird thoughts, and need to talk to somebody about my problems). So, yeah... Need to say no more.

Now (surprise, surprise!), I'm a very weird person today. And I use way too many parentheses in this post... And this is becoming more and more random.

Anyhow, I've been thinking about this with religion and stuff. This winter break, when my brother and I visited our grandparents in their cabin near Trysil, Grandpa said something. "You've already chosen what you believe in," he told me on the way to the airport. Oh, I have? And you're the one to decide so?

Maybe I get why he thinks as he does regarding homosexuality. In his mind your sexuality is something that can be changed (I'm not going to go further on this subject and include the bi's, transsexuals and other queers), and apparently he thinks you can just choose what you want to believe in. Is it so? Can you choose? I don't think you can. You might deny what you believe in, but I don't think you can choose if you got faith and can believe in God or not. Of course people might shift between religions; Religions is so much more than old books and gods. Still, that little thing regarding believing can't be changed. That's what I say.

And who chooses their religion or faith as brutal as he wants it to look like? Sometimes I just feel the situation with him is just hopeless. As if you believe your plant is this close being dead, even though you've done everything to keep it alive. It really irritates me that he thinks he knows everything about me, and that he can say he knows I've chosen when I don't even know it myself. Screw him. Though I bet you it's definitely not easy.

My grandfather is my plant. When am I going to learn that he can't be "saved" from his own hell. He's even decorated the whole thing! Yes, my grandfather is my plant. Or the weed around me. I bet the last.

Session Filed "Scary"

2010-04-06T21:52:00.003+02:00

So, yet another day passed, yet another session done. Weird...

Today I was at his once again. We talked, we analyzed (I think we got our own psychoanalyzing club...), we wondered, and we talked even more. I think this session has been the longest thus far. At least it felt that way. Not so sure whether that's a good or a bad thing, but whatever.

Last time we decided that this session was to be about my family. Or, I asked if we could so. Because he kind of wanted me to be done. Poor guy, now I totally messed that up for him. Because I actually told him. That I was suicidal. Once.

I'm definitely low on sleep, and this day has been marked by that. When walking up to his office, I just had to stop for a second. I got tears in my eyes, wondering how I could possibly tell him this. The anxiety I've had before "invaded" me, and by a sudden I regret the whole thing. Why should I even care going in? But I did.

He could definitely see it. Smart as he is, he got that this was my way of showing him I wanted to tell him something. He asked. I said, "I want to tell you something, but I can't say it." So he suggested getting back to it. It's not like you're supposed to freak people out three minutes after you've met them.

We talked about my family. How my relationship with my grandfather is rather bad. How I'm terrified about my future. I don't even know if I'll have a real family around me ten years from now... Only future will tell. I really do have a bad relationship with them all. But I can't really see how it's supposed to become any better, as I've said before. If I'm to look at it myself, I'll ask if I really want any relationship with my family later in life. Maybe I feel I'm too vulnerable to manage hoping.

After a while he wanted to know what I wanted to tell him. So I spent 15 minutes trying to say it without saying it directly. In stead of sounding like it was supposed to, it sounded like I was about to say my father or grandfather raped me. Which wasn't the case. But trust me, it really sounded like that was the deal. He got it in the end, though.

"Sometimes I just wish I could disappear. Like, especially this Christmas." That's what I said, adding a lot extra, though, as I always do. But that's what I said. Then he got it. Thankfully.

I'm not going to go more into this part. My apologize, or blessing, depending on how you look at it and what's your outcome. Because I tend to be quite insensitive sometimes, and that might easily make people even more sad than this blog has already caused by it's nature. But we talked about this subject for a while, touching other things as well and putting everything into one (That sounds weird, and I'm totally aware).

Hopefully he gets me. I think he does. Though I can guarantee you I'm difficult to understand. So anything over 35% is approved. Maybe he'll let me understand how to get out of this mess I'm creating for myself. I'm crossing my fingers.

What To Tell The Psychologist Tomorrow

2010-04-05T22:17:00.003+02:00

Now, here's my list. Totally just for my own randomness, but if you tag along, you do so. I just can't find anywhere else to write at the moment.

What I should tell the psych tomorrow:
My relationship with my father and grandparents sucks. I can't see how it's going to improve, and I have no idea what to do with it. Right now the only thing I can look at as an option, is to completely shut down my relationship with them. Not talk to them, not involving in their business. And, most importantly, not let them disturb my life.

I feel horrible sometimes. This one has to do with the first one, but it's really an issue in itself. When I'm around my father, grandfather and grandmother, I feel horrible. I end up thinking thoughts I really shouldn't think, and those thoughts could really scare the bravest. It's ruining me sometimes, and I can walk for days thinking solely about this case. It's not helping them either, I guess. Even though they try to change my feelings for them, it's really not working. Maybe, I don't know, but maybe they're really touched by this too. But it's not helping me, no matter what. Still, I don't want to "bring them down with me". Am I thinking weird?

I should confess. I should confess I was suicidal. Does it really matter? Yes, I guess it does. So I want to get done with it. Let it go, let it flow.

I wish I was done with it all. Maybe this will be the last time. I can't be at his forever. I got to live my own life, and learn how to deal with things happening. Become free.

Maybe it isn't freedom. Maybe it is. I can't know that for now. Neither can I choose what it is, ending this thing. But I really hope it's freedom knocking on my door when I say "goodbye" for the last time. Wish me luck on becoming free. I'll probably need it...

Why am I chasing freedom and solitude? Why do I feel captured?

If Caring Was Easy

2010-04-04T21:53:00.002+02:00

Have I ever said I got weird feelings? Bet you I have. But they are. Or I can't understand them. Something like that.

I've been almost half a year in therapy now. It helps, thankfully. But I wish I could just be done. Like, it's not supposed to be like my allergies, who won't ever go away. It's feelings, and they change. But apparently they won't really change it to the good.

Yes, I'm feeling a lot better. A lot. But sometimes I just end in my same bad habits, with my same old thoughts. Maybe it's how it's supposed to be, with "hormones, with you get at this age" making the thing. I don't know, really. But I think there's still something there.

For me to hate somebody or something is quite a big deal. I think I hate him. That's what his doings, feelings and way of being has caused him; Me hating my grandfather. And it's not like my relationship with my father is so much better, really. But I don't really get it. Or... How can something I don't even care for them to know make me so unhappy? It's ruining our relationship, and I don't even get why.

As of this I've been thinking: How can I possibly make my relationship with them any better? No, at the time being I'm not able to move out. And I'm not able to cut my contact with them either at the moment. And when it has come this far, I can't see any other solution than to do so. Maybe I'm too close to the problem to see it... If you got any suggestions, feel free to pass them on.

When I question them, I have to question myself. Am I making this problem? Probably yes, but they're not exactly helping on the situation either. Maybe I'm overthinking this little thing? It's not like it's lifechanging for them, I guess. It is for me, though. My chances of ending up pregnant on a party has been dramatically changed. To me that's good. But facing discrimination and hate because of who I am, that's not what you can call positive.

I'm making it bigger than it is, am I not? Why should my sexuality be such a big problem for them? It's on my shoulders, and it's me who got to deal with it, not them. I don't get why I even care...

Why do I care?

Saving Letters

2010-03-28T22:49:00.004+02:00

Dear mom and dad,

I wish life was easy. And I wish you understood me as me.

As from a young age I've had my problems. I've tend to be very angry at times, arguing and unhappy. As well as tearing on my own life, I've for sure made others' worse than it should. My life has been a roller coaster filled with some happiness and a lot of sadness. Didn't you see that?

I can remember that I once was very angry at school, and one day I refused to attend class after lunch break. Something came over me, I'm sure, even though I have no idea what it was. But I was so angry! I hit my teacher who tried to get me inside, I started screaming, and my eyes flooded with tears. I was broken, for whatever reason. After that episode the teacher called back home to tell you. You asked me, I didn't answer.

Sometimes, when I was in primary, I started to cry for no reason, usually in class. Maybe we were listening to some music to relax after a long day filled with Math, Norwegian and Science. Or it might've been me sitting by myself doing handcraft, thinking about everything and nothing. I just burst out in tears. What it was, I can't tell you. Because I have no idea. Or, at least it's just vague guesses.

What I know is that this sadness still got me. Somehow it won't leave an inch. Why am I like this?

There was this episode in third grade. The nurse was at the school to check how we were doing, measuring height and weight and stuff. Then we talked a little each with her. As a small school, this was what they did. Or... I guess so. I had to talk with her twice. This was right after your divorce, but I was feeling kinda OK. Still, I had to talk with the nurse twice. To this day I can't remember anything from our conversations, else than that I was crying real bad. I have no idea why - crying is the only thing I can remember.

This sadness hasn't managed to leave me to this date. It's not as present as it was when I was younger, but it sure is here today too. I want it to leave!

Today I'm a different person than one and a half year ago. I'm not as stupid and naive, and I've become a more real person. But I'm still hiding, and I'm still sad. The last year I've learned a lot about myself. I know stuff about myself I kind of hoped you would notice, and kind of hoped you'd never see. I'm not telling you that right now, and right direct, but I want to know this: Didn't you see?

I've been depressed. I've been too close to suicide. I've been hating myself so bad. Some of it is gone now, some of it isn't. How couldn't you see that? Your psychiatrists for God's sake! And you didn't see the signs. Maybe you wouldn't see. I don't know. And no, it's not over yet. I've got quite a way to go before I'm really real and myself. But I've made it so far, so why shouldn't I manage to walk the last bit without you?

I've been alone. I am alone. Let's hope the rest of the road will be easier to find and easier to follow. What I've learned? Life isn't easy. Maybe it's not supposed to be easy either. But you're making things so much harder when you're without someone - anyone - by your side.

You don't see what's right in front of you, right?

---

If life was as easy as writing a letter. And yes, this is me being fully honest. Not 97% honest, as to this blog, not 85% honest, as to the psychologist. But a 100 percent honest. Follow my lead?

My life is a lie. Deal with it.

Thoughts Of A Creative Soul

2010-03-11T19:18:00.003+01:00

I don't know what to write. Trust me, I'll sure find something to rant about, but this blog isn't for ranting over my thoughts and beliefs. This blog is just for my sorrow, hope and loss into the life of being me. So, now I don't know. Or, it'll come along the way.

Past couple of weeks I've been coming out to several people. It's been easier and better than I expected, though more weird, crazy, hard and more more weird than I could ever imagine. Sounds crazy? I bet you it's been worse than that.

I've told a person I wouldn't imagine telling about my sexuality to. I've heard weird things come out of my teacher's mouth because she didn't know if she was following the rules correctly or not. I've ruined my life to build it up again, all within a few hours. I've been acting, hiding, lying, real, truthful and myself. I've been weird as well as normal, and hating as well as loving. But I've not been hateful.

When I told this person I was never really planning on telling, I was relieved. Then confused. With relief, sadness, anger and disappointment to follow. I think I'll end with disappointment. Because she already knew. She's been reading this blog for quite some time now, and she already knew.

I'm probably exposing this "drama", if I can call it so, too much right now. But I can't get over it. I just can't. Maybe it'll stay with me for the rest of my life, just as a reminder. Hopefully not, but you never know. No, it's not because I'm hurt, but because... No, I don't really know. It'll just stay.

Am I giving everybody some sort of bad guilt right now? Because I don't want to be a blamer. The only thing I want right now is to let everything go away, letting me be alone, and this to be out of the world. Like really, who needs this shit? I don't need this sort of negativity around me, nor within me. But it won't go away.

Feelings. Weird Feelings.

2010-02-21T00:24:00.003+01:00

Note: I don't care whatever the time is. This is life.

OK. This has been a day. A freakin' weird day. Or, not really actually, it's been more amazing. Because guess what, I said it! I freakin' said it! "I'm a lesbian" came out of my mouth today. And not to a total stranger over the phone, but to people in real life.

I haven't written it yet (or I might've spammed those of you who're on Twitter with it), but I managed to say "I'm a lesbian" to this Monday. Over the phone to a lady in Oslo. OK, I could've called a helpline or something. But that was definitely not what was happening. Because I called in to the host of a youth radio show. And then I went on air. Saying I am a lesbian.

How freakin' amazing ain't that?! It sounds really weird, I'm totally aware, but I still see it as a tremendous step for me to be able to say that word. Monday February 15th 2010 is the date I came to acknowledge myself, and to be true. Because that's the date when I really came out to myself.

Now, that's not what happened today. This is six days after. But today I was finally able to come out to some of my friends. Me and some of my friends (including one of the two good friends who's actually reading this (Hi!)) gathered to watch a movie and just hang out, and after a few (also known as a million) talks about it, me and the friend who knows about this whole mess decided that today would be a day to come out to people. So I did! I don't know how, but I did.

After the movie was finished, my friend suggested that we should all talk about our crushes, just to make me more uncomfortable so I would actually come through with this. And I promise you, even before this she sent me a billion looks to make me start with this thing. But there we sat, and everybody told who they has/had a crush on, one by one. Then it got to be my turn.

"Ehm... I don't know..." I first tried. Then one of my friends thought me and a guy we met at project week had a really good connection, so she (of course) "accused" me of liking this guy. No good luck with that, though. Then, after discussing this way too much (not for a long time, though), I said: "There's something I want to tell you guys." Not too many listened way too carefully what I was saying (it's not like I'm shouting "I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" when it's about stuff like this), so my friend was just like "SHE WANNA TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING!" to get everyone's attention.

My lovely mind was just blank for a second, and then I tried going with "I'm...". And at last I said it. That last sentence sounds weird in my head, but whatever. I freakin' said it! So now I'm the lesbian in the bunch who can tell if a wannabe-cool-blogger is sexy or not. Works for me!

No, but really, it was a frightening experience. But I'm glad it's all over. Still, just imagining I'll have to do this for way too many times kind of bothers me. But you got to live with it. We all have our struggles. It's very scary though, to know that now there's way more people who knows who I really am. But now I can be more and more myself. And that I'm grateful.

It's a weird feeling.

Crazy...

2010-02-10T12:08:00.003+01:00

This Monday was crazy... Like, 110% crazy. Unbelievably crazy.

Skeiv Ungdom came to visit us this Monday. Three queers, one guy and two girls, came and talked about being gay, diferency and gender roles. I know two of them...

Actually I wasn't freaked out all the way, the whole class. Just a bit; A minor feeling haunting me. But it wasn't that big of a deal. And she I've been talking with kept her promise of not telling anyone or acting out anything that can "spill my secret". Quite professional, if I'm to say something about the experience. But I was terrified afterward, and I walked out of the room with a heart beating faster and harder than in quite a some time...

Still, no matter how much I tried to not do anything, keeping it as normal, I had to say something after class to them. "You did great" was the only thing I managed to say, before I walked fast towards the door, with a "Thank you" in my right ear. I still, two days later, can't understand how I managed to not freak totally out. How I stayed somewhat calm (at least on the outside) is a mystery to me.

After school, I thought I should go and say "Hi" to them. I didn't. I was just freaked out, and didn't know what to say. And I was so scared anyone would ever see me talking to them. No, if I'm to come out, I'll do it my way. But I survived, thankfully.

About coming out: I'm thinking about it. Like, not to my family or anything, but to a couple of more friends (hopefully to all of them). Monday was also a day where I actually did come out to a guy who's kinda interested in me. It's come to a point where it's not so sweet and innocent anymore, so I thought I should just tell him that I "hang with the people from Skeiv Ungdom too". Not a lot of reaction from him, but we'll see...

Anyways, If I'm to come out at school, I think I have to talk with my former teacher first. I don't want to end up being the odd gay girl who's just found weird by the teachers. Of course most of the teachers are totally OK. No matter what I want to talk to her about it, because she was the one who had to deal with me when I was a crazy girl last school year. And I want to tell her, because I've sort of promised her that once or twice.

But if I'm going to come out at school, I have to make a plan. There's no chance I'm ever going to tell my family about my "extravaganza" before I'm out of their house, hopefully economically independent. I'm just scared a couple of birds will spread the rumor and let anyone of them hear it. I'm tired of living a lie, but sometimes honesty can be worse than lies.

I don't know. Let's gather the troops and make a plan!

The Gays And The Lesbos - Organized

2010-02-06T14:12:00.004+01:00

It's Saturday. Two days until it's Monday. Mondays are scary. You kinda never know what's gonna happen. Though, if you're not a psychic, you can't know what's to come any other days either. I can't. And you probably can't either.

This Monday to come is even more scary than usual. Because our school is going to be visited by Skeiv Ungdom, an organization for LGBTQ youth. And I know her, the person coming. Because I've met her. At an Skeiv Ungdom event. Because I'm freakin' gay, and in the closet.

I'm kind of excited, though. Because I guess it's going to be interesting to really get to know someone's history. I know a lot of histories, though. But that hasn't made it easier for me, I guess. I'm still here though - queer, halfway in denial and not exactly loving myself. But you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Or in 1 3/4 day.

Damn, she knows me! If I met her almost anywhere else than at my school, I would totally say "Hi!" to her. But this is in school. I'm not really ready to come out. And even though a lot of people know someone who's gay, I don't. That's kind of weird. And it's kind of freaking me out that I now know, and that it gets this close to me. Once it was in the city, far from all of my family and friends, and I could leave whenever I wanted. This Monday it will, for a sudden, be right in front of me, in my "real" life.

I'm glad my school get visited though. And Norway is a great country regarding that, because there's a lot of freedom here. The gays and the lesbos can get organized, and they get financial support from the state. And we learn about sexuality at school. But it's scary. I'm living a double life, one where I'm straight and all good, and one where I'm the real me. But on Monday they'll kind of meet.

Maybe I'll say "Hi!"... We'll see. I can't predict the future.

My Little Gay World

2010-02-04T19:36:00.003+01:00

This is crazy. Or, my life is crazy. At least a little. Or maybe it isn't, I just want it to be. And I use it as an excuse for not blogging the last couple of weeks.

Actually, I don't need an excuse. I'm the one deciding. And I decided to not put a post up because I've really felt like crap these past two weeks. You just know when you should just lock yourself inside your room and listen to music and not torturing other people with your own shit. I really don't. But I (sort of) did this time.

But here I am. Once again. I'm torn into pieces. I'm a total mess, as usual. Or... It's actually moving forward. I'm learning to accept myself for who I am. But it's going slowly. And it's not easy at all. Anyway, this is what's been going on:

I told one of my close friends that I'm seeing a therapist. She's OK with that, and she didn't begin to dig down deep into why. But I also found out she doesn't "approve" homosexuality. Yes, I've known her for quite some years now, and I know she isn't that a liberal person. Her beliefs set quite a standard for her, so I'm not surprised to finally find out what she really thinks. And even though she isn't accepting gays at the moment, I know that she is a person who can see good in people. It kind of hurts when I know one of my closest friends dislike homosexuality, but I can live with it.

Another friend of mine also got something to say regarding gays. From earlier experiences I've discovered that she got some strong opinions on certain subjects, but I actually haven't heard her criticize homosexuality before to this date. But today she told me, as well as her best friend (being there with us), her stands on gay marriage. As about everyone in her church she's against. No surprise after all, but I didn't expect her to say that a person's sexuality can be changed.

For my friend to say that all gays, including me, can change, really hurts. Changing a person's sexuality is in my eyes not possible. And when you get that thrown into your face, no matter if you're out or not, that's just... No, I don't like it. But I was so happy when her best friend, who's also a friend of mine, said that you "really can't change it. You're just born that way." But as said, I know some of my friends, and a whole bunch of my family, aren't accepting homosexuality. Yes, it hurts. But I can't sit on that the rest of my life. I got to build my own life, and live it how I want it to be.

So, except the gay bashing and a mentally roller coaster ride, I've been talking with the psych again. Well, I guess this is the major thing causing the roller coaster, but whatever. You get the point. Anyway: This Tuesday I was at the psych again. I had, as the time before, promised myself that this was the day I would say "I'm gay" to somebody. And guess if that happened? Nope...

It's getting better, though. I actually said "I like girls" like 10 times in one session! For me that's almost unbelievable. But I did it. And it actually released some of the weight on my shoulders. I'm not sure if that is how it will be - that my stress/anxiety level will be at this point or lower for the rest of my life - but hopefully I'll not end up as horrible as I've been the last couple of weeks ever again. Still, I don't know how it will go, but maybe I got a somewhat more positive view on it all now.

A little side note on the psych: Today, in studies class, my teacher came up to me. She was the one I had to tell I'm seeing a psychologist so I won't have to tell my parents, and she's been acting weird and over-caring since. And that's been quite annoying. But what she told me today, that's not annoying at all. That's just freaky.

"So, are you still seeing the psychologist? I haven't seen you skip school in the last couple of weeks..." she said to me.
"Yes, I got some sessions after school."
"OK, then. I guess that's for the best..."
"Yeah... Sure." And no, I was not to mention that I'll skip an hour and a half in 14 days. You're to take every day as it comes, right?
"Is it OK to talk to 'Henry' then?" my teacher keeps on.
"Yeah... Guess so..."
"You know, I know him, you see. And he's very easy to talk to." And no, I did not know that...
"Well, I guess there's a reason he's a psychologist..."
"Sure, but it's not everyone it's as easy to talk to."
"No, guess not," I finish.

Scary! And I thought I had stopped thinking all conspiracies, because that's what's for the best... Apparently that's not a fact. Because I've actually thought about that. He could know someone I know as well. And that's scary. And freaky.

Well, it's just to wait for the future to tell what will happen... Sorry about writing miles, but this might become my self biography someday. And that book got to be with some pages!

I'm Tired = I Can't Feel

2010-01-18T19:15:00.004+01:00

Warning: This is a "My life sucks" blog. Bare with me.

Yesterday... was a nightmare. Or, at least the evening was. The whole night I was walking around tired as hell. But the clock in my head says I can't just go to bed at 6PM, no matter how tired I am. So I didn't. But when the clock inside my brain told me it was time to sleep, I couldn't.

What I do when I can't sleep? Thinking about life and writing about it. So I did, but not here. To turn on the computer again wasn't that a good idea, so I wrote in my diary instead. But sharing as I am, I give you a summary here:

Sunday January 17 2010
Right now I don't feel anything. Or... I'm empty. I know for sure that I have thousands of feelings kept inside my head, but at the moment I can't find them. I was about to write that "it's so frustrating", but I can't really feel that either. I know I feel it somewhere deep inside, but knowing versus experiencing is so different.
I've read that some people, when in pain, lock out their feelings. That it's something the brain just does, so the person can keep on fighting.
People serving in conflict areas for the army is supposed to learn how to control what you feel and not, controlling the part of the brain that escape your feelings. But ex-servants still end up with post-traumatic stress...
No, feelings won't pass today.Wait; I think I'm feeling! I'm tired. That's what I feel. I'm freakin' tired.

That was my feelings of yesterday. No feelings and sleepiness.

Blah. I was tired as hell, but couldn't sleep. My head was (and still is) filled with thoughts and feelings, but I can't really feel the feelings. My brain stopped. Actually, it's still on "Stop". To hell with it. I'm sleeping now. It's half past 7 - believe it or not. Hour worth of sleeping.

No hard feelings. No feelings at all, to be more precisely.

The Talking In Norwegian Thing

2010-01-11T16:50:00.004+01:00

Would anyone please tell me why I can't say "gay", "queer" nor "lesbian" in Norwegian? I beg you, it would help me a lot.

So, can I say it's official? One year ago, around this time, I finally understood myself and my feelings. I'm gay. Or, right now, I'm having an argue with my psychologist and myself because I got problems convincing myself that I understand my feelings, but that's another story. Anyway, let's set January as the month to celebrate. Or, do you celebrate the anniversary for when you came to terms with your own sexuality? Just wondering. Now, whatever.

Now, I think I'm going to push myself onto the track I was supposed to follow when writing this. OK, let's do this.

I'm here, I'm queer. It's A; OK to be gay. 2QTBSTR8, actually. So, why the heck can't I just say it? Actually, I can. In English. But that doesn't matter, because I live in Norway, and my mother tongue is Norwegian. That's why I got to actually be able to say "I'm gay" in Norwegian. But at this time, I don't.

To be honest, I have no idea why the words won't leave my tongue. "I just can't say it," I told my psych for the 18th time today. I guess he understood, but I don't. It's just three freakin' words!

No, I have no idea. I wish it was easier. Let it slip away, and forget it. My wish. And what is most confusing to me is that I have no problem whatsoever saying "I'm gay" in English. But in Norwegian everything stops. I can't even write it! So, now neither communication methods, speaking nor writing, works to express this feeling.

It's about who I fall in love with, and who I wish I could screw. That's it. It's not much, is it? Or...? Well, maybe it is. Because it's about who I, in the future, want to share my life with. But when I can't even express myself, how the heck am I supposed to make that happen?

Shitty, shitty. I gotta get a life, and stop blogging. But I can't. It's kind of an obsession...

I'm gay - Jeg er ...

Church

2010-01-08T23:42:00.004+01:00

I went to church today... For some reason I ended up in some kind of church today. And I wish I never did.

So, way before Christmas, a friend of mine asked me if I would come with her to a meeting at a local congregation. As several of my friends, family and acquaintances, she's quite a conservative Christian, with a somewhat old-fashioned view of the world. My father has for quite some time now wanted me to go to one of the congregation's meetings, putting this particular friend as an example. So I accepted. I could possibly learn something new, and some other friends of mine (both more liberal (and some atheists)) were coming too.

What I've heard about the meetings varies a lot. Some love it, others find it weird and/or crazy. But I've always tried to stay positive when it comes to religions, as long as it's not affecting me too much. And yes, religions, and then especially Christianity, has caused me a lot of problems. Still, I try to stay as positive as possible, and not judge. Because I've also seen religions make people happy. And as long as my friends are happy, I don't bother too much about their religious beliefs.

Anyway, I knew I had nothing else to expect than a little dose of craziness. And crazy it went. Kind of. Or, as crazy and weird as this kind of meetings can get. But I would never have expected my reactions. No matter how brainwashed they were, and I can (somewhat) take brainwashed, when they started to sing... I just felt the need to cry. Because never have I've been reminded more of my background than the moment they started singing about how God is supposed to be a savior. And when people raised their hands for some sort of praise to God or something... No, I was totally overwhelmed.

There's something with Christianity that makes me shudder. I feel so uncomfortable with the praising and believing. And what they sometimes end up saying... No, I just think it's horrible. It puts you under a lot of pressure; In this tiny little box where you're supposed to live, breathe and survive. And every single time I end up thinking about Christianity, my sexuality comes to mind. Because for a lot of Christians here have a problem with the true me...

But when I see how some of my friends' faces lights up the minute they hear something read from the Bible; Or that their smile is almost stopping them singing because they smile so brightly. That's what's making me surprised, but happy for these friends. Because as long as they're happy and somewhat healthy, I want them to be themselves. No matter how crazy their opinions might seem.

Maybe that's one of the things that breaks my heart when I try to place myself in a Christian setting... No, I don't know. But I wish it was different. I don't like to judge, not me, nor anyone else.

Phrase of wisdom: Happiness can create hell.

To Write Or Not To Write

2010-01-04T19:13:00.003+01:00

I thought about quitting. Maybe I shouldn't sit here in my room in front of the Mac complaining over my life for the whole world. Because to be honest, I'll have to say that the posts are getting more and more depressing and negative. But I'm really not sure...

Over my blog you can see a blue banner made by the Blogspot creators. There are some "Report this" and "Report that" links, and there's a "Next blog" button as well. Curious as I am, I had to push that to check it out. So I ended up at some random blog. And the only thing I could see was children. A lot of them.

I really don't have any specific thoughts on children more than that they're irritating. Way too many people love and adore children, but I don't. Why I have no idea, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that when I pushed "Next blog" again, there where more children. And after that, even more! Pictures of children between the age of zero and eight years spamming the blogs at Blogspot.com.

I'm making you dislike me because I don't really like children. No, but seriously. And what I could see (for as long as I could handle (aka just a couple of seconds)) in these spamming pictures of children way too young to be exposed on the Internet, was that they were all so happy. And there my message got through (I hope).

All that happiness... It did something to me. It made me feel; Look for my feelings. I don't feel that sense of joy and happiness (as if you didn't get that already). Why? I guess that's the reason I talk with a psychologist three to four times a month. But still.

And believe me, I actually read something of what was posted too. All the positive vibes you could read both in and between the lines made me think a second or two. So, I'm considering to end the blog. I'm not deleting it whatsoever, because it's like some sort of evidence (so that if I ever end up doing something wrong, I can blame my psyche and possibly get away with more counseling, and no jail time).

Why am I even writing anymore? At this point I know about two people I know and am friends with that reads my blog. Maybe I'm writing for you, guys? Because verbal communication isn't really my thing. Through this blog I can then better explain what's happening to me, without messing up the words.

Maybe I shouldn't write for you either. Because it's not that fun to read such negative stuff I end up writing. Especially not when you know me, and I'm a friend. Or, at least I believe that's how it is. I can't say how you feel, though. Feelings are made in our own brain, and to understand others' feelings is hard. No, I have no idea.

We'll see. There's no day like tomorrow. My words of wisdom for today.

It's Over

2010-01-03T23:05:00.004+01:00

Now it's finally really over. The only family members within the radius of one mile right now are my mother and my brother. Usually I don't tend to thank any god for that, but now I certainly am. I now have gotten a minute of freedom, a minute of peace. It probably won't last for too long, but whatever. I don't care. It's the small victories that makes the big one.

When I think about it, it's kind of odd I got through this Christmas at all. As if I didn't have about a million thoughts running through my head, I also had to cope with my family. This Christmas my mother, my brother and I visited my mother's parents. And because they live quite far away, we had to stay with them the whole Christmas. It's not bad being where they live or anything, it's just the people I can't cope with 24/7. But I stayed through.

No, I'm not going to go down in every little detail explaining why everything is wrong this time, because if you've read previous posts, you'll totally know what's making the picture blurry. Instead I'll write something halfway positive. Because this Christmas, the Christmas of 2009, I managed to not come out. I kept on, doing my best to control my feelings, and didn't say a thing. And that's a good thing. At least for me, at this time.

I was scared when the holidays started. "What if I say something wrong?" was a thought running through my head, "What if I miss a word that shouldn't ever be mentioned?" I was scared to hell. As if I wasn't there already. The whole two weeks every single muscle in my body was tightened. I kept thinking, day and night, on that moment that could come. If I ever said anything wrong, I could end up in the cold, all alone.

The days went by. I managed to control myself. No, I couldn't relax, but I kept on going. I woke up, walked, took a breath. And thankfully the days passed. For a whole two weeks I managed to be there, with them. And now it's finally over. Thank a god.

That was my Christmas of 2009. Now I've got to feel for myself how it is suffering in the holidays. And I certainly know why the helplines get so many calls around Christmas. A lesson I would gladly be without, but now I know. It's a lesson of life.

Don't walk my shoes.

If you, for whatever matter, want to know more about my family, just click the tags "family", "grandpa", "grandfather", or "grandparents" and read. There's whatever I've written about them, and you might then get what I mean when I tell you how Christmas was for me.
Enjoy reading.

Waiting

2009-12-23T22:53:00.004+01:00

This Christmas won't be as it used to be. For sure.

I wish I could run around the house singing "I'm Coming Out" with Diana Ross. I wish I could say "Damn, she's hot!" whenever I want. I wish I could talk about all the awesome people I've met at the gay youth club in the city. But I can't. Because my grandfather is a freaking priest!

This sucks. This Christmas sucks. I'm stuck with my conservative Christian family on the other side of the country, far away from my friends. Every day I have to think carefully through everything I'm to say, write or do. Even what I am to think. No matter what is happening, I have to keep myself from saying anything wrong.

I've never been to prison. My knowledge about being in prison is equal to zero. That's why I can't say that this is like prison, for sure. But I've got fantasy. And my fantasy tells me that prison is like being trapped, both physically and mentally. Claustrophobic, and no way to escape, no matter how much you try. It's just to wait until it's all over. If that is how prison is, I feel like I'm in prison right now. And it sucks. But all I can do is to wait for it to go over.

Someday it's all over, right? That little hope for it to end some day, that's what's keeping me up. But for how long?

Christmas News Letter

2009-12-21T22:47:00.005+01:00

Tomorrow is December 22nd. Which means that (if everything goes as planned) I'll be at my grandparents within 24 hours. And because I for some reason am scared to death, I now can't sleep. Not so "yaygay"...

I've been thinking about this Christmas and what I think will happen for way too long now. To be honest, I really don't want to sit in my mother's car tomorrow for a whole day thinking about Christmas and my family (and the combination of those). Believe it or not, but I think sitting in front of a web cam on the other side of the globe saying "Hi!" through Skype would be more pleasant than this. Of course, I can't predict the future. Maybe there won't be any conflicts between me and everyone else. Still, my head will be too close exploding.

The thing I'm most scared of is that I'll accidentally say something I should've kept for myself. "What if they ever find out?" is a thought I'm almost too scared to think. Still, almost every day I feel a want to just scream it out loud to everyone. Release the pressure on my shoulders to be as stereotypical straight as possible, so I won't ruin both my parents' and my life because I'm not acting "normal". Today I've given up being normal, because I know it isn't possible, but I still feel I do something wrong every single day I don't wear make-up. And when I stare too long at a hot girl on the street and am about to say "Damn, she's hot!", I break off a piece of my heart.

Grandpa has it as a tradition to write a Christmas news letter every Christmas. Then he puts a lot of focus on his grandchildren, also known as my cousins, my brother and I. This year's letter was just e-mailed from him to me; A one-page, nicely done letter where he's made a short summary of this year, now only with two and a half weeks left. And it hurts. Of course he had to mention my confirmation. Did he last year? No. But he did this year. Nothing big or anything, but just the fact that he even mentioned it hurts. He shouldn't have been a part of it. It just hurts, no matter how weird it sounds.

If I come out this Christmas... Will he mention it? If I marry a woman one day, before he passes away, will he mention it? "This summer Sunniva and 'Katelyn' had a wonderful wedding at the beach in sunny California." Really realistic, girl...

He'll abandon me. Just as my grandmother, my father, my mother (because of my grandparents (or she'll be abandoned with me)), and a bunch of my friends. No, I can't predict the future. But being afraid of your own family and your family's plausible actions is really not good.

I'm sorry this is so long, negative and over-sharing. And I totally have to bring this to the psych. Whatever. I need strengthen right now, through sleep. Lack of sleep makes the best of us a bit sad, or what? I don't know.

Acting 'Till Death Brings You Home

2009-12-13T13:53:00.000+01:00

Now, it's soon to be Christmas. And I've been blogging for a freakin' whole year! A horrible year filled with negative thoughts. But I think it's getting better. We'll see.

Anyway, now it's soon to be Christmas. I'm kind of in the spirit now. But what is Christmas really about? Christmas is about love, joy, traditions, happiness and family. And peace. Do I feel it? Nope.

I'm driving across the country two days before Christmas Eve to celebrate with family I'm not sure I love. This Christmas will be spent with an inner tension, and I'll have to try to control myself from saying anything wrong. I'll try to be on the good path with them, control my anger and my feelings, be "me". And hopefully I'll be able to.

It's a scary thought that I have to be even more "perfect" now in the Christmas time than usual. Living on a lie all the time sucks. I want to be me. But I can't pull it through. Because I'm not going to risk my home, family and life situation to be me. Or at least not yet. That's too much to take in one handing, because I'll have to add my life where I'm myself (which is not that enjoyable all the time) in addition to the totally new situation between my family and I.

Acting can be fun. But not all the time, where the acting is your whole life. I wish I could be the real me, where I don't have to act to be like others want me to be. But acting is a survival action - survival of the fittest. So when you're not the strongest, you have to act that you are.

Trust Issues

2009-12-08T18:43:00.000+01:00

After going to the psych a couple of times, I had to tell my main teacher about it. The first two times I was lucky enough to get appointments at days where I was to leave school earlier than normal because of tests and so, but you can't live on that. So I had to tell her that I had leave class earlier than usual because I had an appointment at the psych.

When I told her, she was like: "Are you OK?" I assured her I was, and then she asked why I was seeing a psych. "It's personal," was my comment. Because it is. And no, I'm not going to tell an irritating teacher in her fifties who is way too into the motherhood thing why I'm talking to the psych. No way.

But then I wrote this text (which I've posted earlier here) for my semester final in English. Because we have a pretty cool English teacher, who I don't really mind knowing. And no, I didn't cross fingers and toes wishing she wouldn't let the other teachers read it, because I don't really care. I would actually like it if she ever let my former English teacher read some of my texts (at least the good ones), because if she's impressed, she's really impressed. But my main teacher? Who don't even teach English...

And I didn't know that before today. Because when I, in Social where she's my teacher, said not everyone thinks writing about their feelings is easy, and that I possibly could be in that group, she was just like, "Oh, I know you can. I've read some of your texts, you see."

When that happens to others I would totally say "Burn..." And that was (clearly) a major burn. So now I know... My teachers are crazy. Or annoying. Both. But now I've definitely learned something new about some of them.

What's the purpose of reading a student's writing when you're not near grading it? She doesn't even teach English! And no, I don't care whether she's my main teacher or not; She's got nothing to do reading it!

Today's mix: Trust issues and anger problems. I bet she's psychoanalyzing me in her sparetime. Yay...!

Feminine Enough

2009-12-06T22:21:00.000+01:00

Am I feminine enough? Clearly my mother doesn't think so. In the car yesterday, she started talking about me and my closet. She wants me to dress up in a pink dress every single day, and care about heels. I like pink (as long as it's not overly sweet and candyish), and I, believe it or not, do wear clothes of the color sometimes. Not every single day, but often enough. And heels... I care! Girls in heels are sexy. But it's not necessary to put my feet in some.

I quote, "You should dress more feminine. It's not that you don't have money, right? Because then it's just to ask. But you could definitely take advantage of some heels and a nice dress." Can I call her in for Child Services? Maybe not, but who says something like that to their child?

Seriously, she didn't mind before. And trust me, I haven't changed into a big butch last half a year. No, I've just been me. As honest as I can let myself around my friends and family. But no, I haven't dressed as a pinup lately (or ever). Still, I'm not that butch. I'm actually quite femme. So why does she at a sudden care?

And what's really the problem not being super-feminine? It's not like Armageddon will come right away if I don't wear my white dress with pink polka dots for school tomorrow. Or, maybe... I think we got a new conspiracy made!

I am who I want to be. Feminine as hell, under-the-hat butch, or androgynous as the moon.

Girls Or Gals?

2009-11-26T21:37:00.000+01:00

So... A short one. I kind of came out to two of my friends today... Actually I don't really know what that means, but anyway.

I was walking home from the mall with two of my friends. We talked, and at a sudden they started asking me questions (because one of them does that (asking weird/awkward/serious questions) all the time, so they decided to ask me some of them as well). One of them asked me about who I've had a crush on. I tried to avoid the question, saying stuff like "Em... I don't know... People, you know." and so. But they both kept on digging, and at a sudden the other asked: "Boys or...? Or girls?"

Me being bold, I said: "Well, girls... Once." Even though I said a big fat lie when I told them I've just had a crush on a girl once, I don't really care. And then they asked about what I define myself, or what I was into (or something). "I don't know. Both?" I said. Then they both told me it was cool me admitting it and stuff, and then we started talking about something else. Like it was no big deal!

It was kind of scary, though it only took a few seconds. And I avoided the word "lesbian". Thankfully. Still, I did just tell them I'm kind of bi-curious.Which I'm kind of not... But when rushing to meet them at the mall just half an hour after my session with the psych, I thought I would be like "don't talk to me" or something. But I wasn't. I some sort of came out to them in stead. And I'm so happy for that!

Psych went good as well, and I could actually talk (a bit (aka vaguely)) about the gay thing. But we did get further, and I'm not that a big ice cube anymore. So even though I (kinda) flunked my math exam, this day was way more positive than negative. Definitely.

A good day.

Music Monday

2009-11-23T17:41:00.000+01:00

Today is a day to drown in music. I'm going to listen to way too many songs, singing with and try to forget everything. Because music is like therapy for me.

So I was at my grandparents this weekend, celebrating my uncle's and my own birthday. It was an OK weekend with it's ups and downs, but whatever. It's to be forgotten. But I got a great gift though. I got a microphone! Like, to record music and stuff with. At least that's a plus for the weekend.

Anyway, today I'm rediscovering my music library. Some indie-pop, punk/rock and a (not too big) spoon of easy listening/soft pop will make my day. Because when you're listening to the music, you forget feeling. You forget living. Which is great! So now I'm gonna bounce around listening to some (for this soon-to-be 15-year-old) nice classics (and some new ones since I tend to easily move over to new songs).
High five for music!

Playlist:

Greenday - Holiday
Alejandro Fuentes - Tomorrow Only Knows
Bigband - Play Louder
DeLillos feat. Ida Maria - Flink
Lion King - The Lions Sleep Tonight
Empire Of The Sun - We Are The People
Kaizers Orchestra - Die Politzei
Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire
Superfamily - The Radio Has Expressed Concerns About What You Did Last Night

I'm a total music geek... Just let it pass, will you?

Regrets

2009-11-18T20:57:00.000+01:00

Life isn’t easy
We all face challenges in our lives. Some of us are luckier than others, but whether you’re richer than Zimbabwe or live in the slum of Brasilia, you will always have problems. You might have to fight for your life every single day because you don’t have money to buy you food. Or you might struggle with your sexuality or have problems at home because your mother beats your younger brother when he can’t sleep at night. And that’s what makes us humans.

The last couple of years I’ve had problems. Not in the way that I haven’t had a place to live, or that I got beaten at home. I’m actually quite fortunate in that perspective, living in a country with good health care system and a school system where everyone is included. Both my parents are working, and I have the food and clothes I need. I must say I’m very lucky living this life. But, everyone has problems. It’s a part of life not being 100% happy all the time. Still, you’re supposed to see the good sides of life too. Not everyone does. And I’m one of them.

Depression is the word. A study said that about one out of ten adolescents have a mild to moderate depression. I don’t know if I would take it that far, but I know there are other people out there having problems like mine. Nobody’s alone, I’m sure. It’s just to see the others. But if you first end up in the bad circle, it’s hard to see that. It’s easy to look at the bad things, and forget that there are things that can be positive as well. And that bad circle is really hard to break.

But what can cause a person to end up with solely negative thoughts? How can it all end up that bad? Is a previous event relevant? Or is it more based on feelings? In my case it is more a mixture. That might be it for the majority of us. Example: You can stand being bullied once, but you usually can’t take the bullying if it happens on a daily basis. Also, when you end up with a depression, something got over the top. It might be that last hit from your classmate, or that last comment your family made about your dressing style. Or that you overheard your father talking about Caster Semenya and that he thinks she should be disqualified from the World Championship because she looks like a man, when you were about to go and tell him that you don’t feel like a woman, though you were born one. It is that last push and the negative feelings that usually do it.

I have my own reasons for not being happy. We all have. That doesn’t mean we can’t be happy sometimes. Not all the time, that’s impossible, only sometimes. But if you have too many bad feelings at the same time, you might end up in that bad circle, and you can’t see the good sides anymore. Then it is to realize. Realize what you’re really going through, see that you need help, and then seek for the help.

Seeking for help might be even worse than being in the bad circle. Maybe you have an idea of what makes you depressed, maybe not. If you think you know the answer, you might not want to realize it, even though you have the knowledge. What if your loved ones are causing you trouble? And if you don’t know, what do you do then? Will the one you try to talk to even understand?

I was directed to a psychologist when I finally got up the courage to talk with somebody about my problems. The day I took contact might have been the worst day of my life, as I was so frightened what would happen. A thousand questions ran through my head. When I first got up the courage to tell, I didn’t say directly that I wasn’t happy with life; I rather told an “excuse”, a smaller part of the whole thing. That I have problems with my family was a good enough part of the story to make the people I talked with understanding. And if you don’t know what to say, that’s what you say. Explain that you’re not happy with life, but that you don’t know what to do. They will understand. And when you finally ask for help, everything will get better.

Life is scary sometimes. I’ve faced some of the scariest parts I imagine you can fill a life with, and I still have more to come. It helps, though. Facing reality isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. And you’ll get so much out of it. I know I will, when I’ve overcome my struggles. I know that when I can take the bad sides of life, I’ll be a very strong person. Going through this will help me another day when I have another challenge in life, and it might even help others. But it is scary. And difficult. But that’s how it’s like to be a human. It isn’t easy. Because life isn’t easy.

OK, so that was what I wrote as my semester final yesterday. Now it's out here in my not-real life as well as in my English teacher's hands. "A very strong text! Your English is excellent!" is what she said about it. But still, I think I shouldn't have done it. I really shouldn't have written about the psych.

So now I regret. Damn, how great! They shouldn't know it, right? Why should they? I go to the psych now and then, and then I give my main teacher a note from the psych because mom and dad don't know. There was no point in writing about it so another teacher of mine would know, and if she reads it loud in front of the other teachers (which they do sometimes) everyone will know. Every freaking teacher in 10th might know by now!

This was not supposed to happen.

Psychoanalyzing On A Higher Level

2009-11-17T19:30:00.000+01:00

This day is both a failure and an improvement. We had semester finals in English today, where we was to choose between 5 different tasks to write about. I (of course) chose the one where you should write about something challenging you in life at this time, and I wrote this text about me being depressed and going to a shrink. Great (read with irony)! Now it's just to wait for the feedback. It probably sucks. And I delivered myself out way too much. But that be. Take it as it comes. And relax. Right?

So the English was a major failure. And the psych...? Actually not that bad after all. But I got this tension, and because he has a degree in psychology, he definitely noticed. We mostly talked about this tension and anxiety I have, that I don't like to talk about this whole gay thing, and what could happen if I come out. It was as if I sat on needles the whole hour, and I kind of feel it still at this point, but it was OK. He's a decent guy.

Though, I told him today that I write this blog, and that I write in English in stead of Norwegian. He replied that a lot of people do so (writing in another language than their mother tongue), and said that this is because when you write in another language than you talk on a daily basis, everything becomes more distant. Which I kind of figured out already. But that be. Psychiatrists as parents does something with you... My brother and I are perfect examples on that.

At the end he asked me whether I want to take it slow and kind of just gently swipe what I don't like to talk about, or go more directly into it. He must have sensed that I probably need a push into it. Because it really ain't easy. So I said it was OK to take it a bit more direct. Since we today didn't talk anything about my sexual orientation today, though we both probably knew that we were, just without mention any words on it...

So next appointment Thursday next week. Which is more frequently than before. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but whatever. I'll try not to worry too much now. Take it as it comes. Though that project will probably fail.

Yes, and the psychoanalyzing thing... He psychoanalyzes me, and I psychoanalyze him back. That's OK, right? It makes it easier for me, at least, when I believe I understand what he's thinking. I might not, but that be.

So now I'm officially a crazy blogger, blogging about me, myself and my life. Not so interesting... But please don't judge.

I'm Scared

2009-11-16T20:30:00.000+01:00

I'm freakin' scared.

So... I'm back at the psych tomorrow. Which is terrifying. Last time I sat in that red chair I was stiff as a statue, could barely speak, and didn't really know what this actually means. So why am I even going?

Difficult things sucks. I really don't want do this. Discussing my life, my love, my person - me. Can't I just leave it alone? What if I just quit? Because I am a quitter, after all. And I can quit whenever I want. But why not?

It's not worth it. Quitting wont make it easier. It will probably just make it harder. Living on an eight all the time is worse than living on a ten sometimes, and five other times. But it wouldn't hurt if everything was a bit easier.

Maybe I'm not a quitter after all... Really, I don't know. But I know I'll try my best not quitting therapy (I can call it that now, right?) before I'm over this mess. Try my best. Doing what I'm supposed to do, what I'm asked to do. And right now I feel both myself and the rest of the world wants me to continue. Make it better for myself. And for everyone else.

I'm not going to quit. Still, I'm more than a little confused. Talking is really scary, confusing and bad at the same time. But I'm not going to quit.

Want to be scared with me?

Relaxing Techniques

2009-11-15T15:51:00.000+01:00

Now, take a breath. Relax. Shoulders down, smile with both mouth and eyes. Don't talk too fast. And no hateful comments.

I think I might write this down on post-it's all over my room before Friday so I won't ever forget. Because relaxing methods are important when you're about to spend 72 hours with half of your family surrounded. Especially when you two weeks ago told your mother that you don't think your grandfather deserves your love and caring. At all.

This is a time I'm very glad I get to talk about my problems with a psych that doesn't know me. And when I think about that I have to spend the whole holidays with my grandfather and the rest of my mother's family, I just want to hide under a blanket and stay there. I just don't like them. They've poisoned my life.

Why they're so bad? Because they can't see nor understand that I'm not a Christian. Not so complicated, after all. Or, they do it complicated. Ruining it all. And no, I don't hold anything bad against Christianity. I know a lot of wonderful people that happen to believe in God and Jesus. And I respect my friends, whatever their beliefs, as well as they respect me. So why can't my family just respect me and love me for who I am?

I've asked myself that last question a lot of times. I can't find any good answer, though. So now I've ended up with a "whatever"-attitude. Whatever. I don't care whether they love and respect me or not anymore. But I do care about what they say to me and what they act like. If they act like idiots, I care. I get angry.

So now I'm angry. And confused. But that be. At least I have two great cousins. So I'm going to enjoy next weekend to the fullest with my loving, respecting and fantastic cousins, trying to not get too angry and bitchy around the rest of them.

Take a deep breath.

Breaking Hearts

2009-11-08T18:16:00.000+01:00

OK, now there is this guy in my class... Actually there are two. And I don't have a crush on them, but from what I've experienced and read about crushes and symptoms, I think they might have a crush. On me...

This is what too many girls strive for when they're 15, right? But for me... The only thing on my mind when thinking about this is "What is wrong with this?". And no, that was not a joke.

But clearing my feelings out of it all: What am I supposed to do? I don't want them. That's reality. And if I should ever switch teams... No, seriously, that will probably never happen. It's more likely that I end up in celibacy than that I'll find a man (with male genitalia) I feel a great attraction towards and want to marry. And I really don't think that will ever happen.

But OK, I don't want neither of them. Should I just throw it in their faces? "Sorry, I really don't like men. Or, in that way, you know..." So never gonna happen. And what if they ask me out? Maybe I'll end up messing up their brain or something. And pity-dating... That's just wrong, right?

I feel truly sorry for these guys... But what can you do? And as long as I don't date them, I guess I can't cause that much harm, right? Let's hope so. Both for me and them.

Am I a boys magnet? Because that sucks.

This Is How It Goes

2009-11-07T21:57:00.000+01:00

Tuesday was my fourth time at the psych. It's still scary. Fucking unbelievably scary. But it's OK. I think and hope and believe I get something out of it talking to this guy, so...

But it's really hard. Especially when talking about things I wish would never ever be said a word about. Still, I gotta stay strong, right? And, however stupid and cliche it sounds like: I'm not doing it just for myself. It's OK to not be happy all the time, but sometimes it gets too much, just causing pain on everyone else.

Both last time and this Tuesday he asked me how I feel about going to him and talk. I said I really think it's scary, but I'm OK with it. It's better talking to him than not talking to anyone, after all. So he asked me why I am afraid coming. "Is it because it's scary talking about certain subjects?" he asked. Couldn't do anything else than confirm that. But who ain't afraid of that? No, I'm not comfortable talking about my sexuality. Sorry, but that's just how it is...

I didn't tell him that I don't like talking about that, though. But of course we had to discuss it eventually. I could feel every muscle in my body tighten. My eyes looked around fast to find a safe spot to look at when he said the word 'lesbian'. I was just so scared.

Later that session he pointed out to me that I got more tense when talking about certain subjects. He could see it. But that's what you learn taking psychology at university, right?. Still, it's quite scary. That a person can read you like that (even though it might have been quite easy to spot, after all). Yes, I do it all the time (social heritage), but I tend not to say anything. Because it's freaky. Especially when you don't want anyone to know, which you usually don't. Scary and freaky...

Can I make that an argument not to go? That it's scary to talk about stuff, and that I'm freaked out when he "reads" me? No, seriously. Keep up tough, right? I gotta make me my own pep talk tonight. Or at least before next session.

I'm not used to open up to people. Maybe that's what's scary, bottom of the bottle. At the moment I'm not quite sure. But opening up is scary. Right? But I'll do good. Get my ass down there in two weeks as I did this week. Try to talk about it as good as I can, hoping (and wanting) to do better.

So this is to say something about how talking to the psych is doing. Because it's hard explaining what we're talking about, and so that I can sort things out and put it in perspective. Just to look at the whole thing.

And yes, the tissues are still to be used. I don't cry easily.

'Round The Globe (And Back Again)

2009-11-01T20:32:00.000+01:00

I want to move. Anyone tagging along? We could enter The Dwight School in New York City or something. Just give me anything. Because I don't think I can live so much longer in Norway without ending up in jail...

But The Dwight School... Not that a bad idea, or what? Study hard (challenges included in the price), meet new people and make a career. Get away from the crazy family and live on scholarships and stuff instead. And trust me: There is a scholarship. Or two (thousand).

I think moving out would do good to me. No, you shall not run away from your problems, but some free time before solving them can't do any harm, right? A couple of years where I can be myself, live like I want to, and make myself happy, for once. Get to know the real me. That's my dream.

Yeah, I really, really want to move. Because I'm a person I don't want to be. I'm a liar - false and untrue to my surroundings. And I don't want to keep on doing that. Lie to everyone around me, make everything worse because I can't be myself. To me that's equal to a bad person. Which means I'm a bad person.

So, will you tag along if I can convince my parents to send me away? People at boarding schools end up pretty OK, right? And to be honest, I think I'll end up better if I move somewhere else than if I stay home longer. Nearly 15 years at the same place; That could bore the majority of us.

Psychoanalyzing... God, sometimes genes suck!

Talking About It

2009-10-18T12:43:00.000+02:00

I wish I was out to everyone. Or that I could come out to everyone. But at the moment I can't.

The last half a year I've lost friends. I just stopped talking to them, stopped being with them. I kind of isolated myself from the world. And I regret. I wish I wasn't that a bitch that escaped from her friends just because she had some bad days. I don't want to be like that.

What if I one day would just knock on the front door at one of my friend's house? Just ask her whether I could talk with her. Tell her I'm gay, that I like girls, or just say "Girl, just so you know: You can have your boys for yourself as long as I can have my girls." If life was that easy...

Yesterday I was about to yell "I'm gay!" into the living room. Still, I didn't. Because I'm a big wimp too afraid to be myself. That sucks. And when writing about it: I can barely say homosexual and gay in Norwegian. That's how accepting I am towards myself; I can't say what I am, not to myself nor to anyone else.

High five for being gay and super-not-accepting!

National Coming Out Day

2009-10-11T19:51:00.000+02:00

It's US National Coming Out Day. Which made me think:

I'm not nearly out yet. The only person I've come out to is one of my best friends (and a couple of people in the health sector), so I must say I got a way to go. But thanks to all the other queers around (both here in Norway and around the world) who have come out, it might be easier for me the day I finally decide to be honest about who I am to everyone around me.

And I can't wait. I just can't wait for the day I can be myself, the day I don't have to be scared anymore. The day I come out to my family might end up as hell, but from that day I can be me.

Yes, I certainly know it's hard to come out. I'm scared my coming out story will end up bad, and it's quite secure being in the closet for me at the moment. But I still want to do it. Come out. Living a lie ain't easy either. And even how horrible my family might take it when I tell them I'm gay: I can't keep lying to myself for the rest of my life. I think that might be worse.

So... I can't be all proud and happy that I'm gay today. I can't celebrate that I'm out. Because I'm not, at least not today. A year form now; Maybe. But not today. Even though: Today, October 11th, is an important day. A couple of years from now I might stroll around the town I live in and be gay and proud, supporting everyone in the closet as well as out in the free. I look forward to that day.

Good luck, everyone!

The Psych

2009-10-06T19:02:00.000+02:00

So this whole blog has ended up as a public diary for people who cares or are interested in my life and my thoughts. But OK, I'm ruling over the whole thing, right?

Anyway, today I was talking to a psychologist for the first time. I've been to the nurse three times, and she asked me whether or not I want to talk to a psych in stead of her. And I said yes. So I went to talk with this Fredrik guy.

In the beginning, after I said I would like to talk to him, I really didn't know why I said yes at all. But I got an appointment and went down to the place he works. Thankfully a good friend walked down with me, so I would actually enter the building. I sat down and waited for him, and after a couple of minutes he called me into his office.

We sat down, and he started by going through some agreements and basic info. Then he told me what the nurse had said about me after talking to her, and asked me what I thought about the situation. I said I wasn't quite sure about the whole thing and what's making me depressed. I also told him some about me and myself and what could cause the feelings I have.

After a while just talking (and me mentioning my family a couple of (thousand) times), he said he wanted draw a history line. We went down on Mom and Dad's relationship with each other and with me, the divorce and stuff. It ended up quite interesting because I haven't thought so much about my relationship with my parents (or in this context), and it made me think. It seemed like it made Fredrik think as well, but I don't know...

It was quite successful, after all, and I'm going back in two weeks. Let's hope it helps and that I get over this...

Too Desperate

2009-10-01T21:22:00.000+02:00

I'm totally too desperate. Just check out what I wrote this Monday for a written task in English... The task was to "write a modern short story about two people in love, and parents who, for some reason, don't accept it."

Hiding
“Hi! Come inside. Christopher? Daniel is here!” Chris’ mother closed the door after Dan. And just within a couple of seconds he could see Chris at the top of the staircase. His beautiful smile lightened the whole face of Chris, and Dan couldn’t do other than to smile back at him.
“Hi!” Chris said, “I’ve just started reading. Come upstairs!”

They went into his room and sat down on the bed. Dan opened his bag and pulled out his English books.
“So…” Chris went, “Have you thought about it yet?”
“Eh… What?” said Dan, looking at Chris.
“Well, do you want us to be a couple?”
“Oh, that. Of course I want to. It’s just… You know, difficult.”
“I know it’s difficult. Life is difficult! And I don’t mean we should go official or anything. I’m not crazy. But… Well, I don’t know.” Chris lowered his head.
“Listen, Chris: I really like you. And I want to be with you. But my family, your family and the whole town make it hard.” Now Dan took Chris’ hands in his: “Let’s be together. I would love to. OK?”
“OK.” Now Chris smiled: “I really do love you.”

“So, senior prom is next Friday. Have you got a date yet?” Dan’s best friend, Greg, asks him after PE class.
“Well, not really…” Dan said. Or, technically he did have a date, but could he pull it through with Chris?
“You have to ask Jessica,” Greg kept going, as in another world: “She’s totally the sexiest girl of the seniors. Or, didn’t Dylan ask her? Now, I don’t know, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right?”
“Yeah…” Dan replied, not interested.
“Anyway, you better get on gear before all the hotties are gone!”
Get on gear… No, more likely get the courage to go to prom with a guy. Courage, that was the thing.

“Chris?” Dan said. He sat on the green carpet on the floor, and looked up at Chris studying in the bed: “Do you want to go to prom with me?”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“You and me. At prom. Do you want to?”
“Are you seriously?” Dan nodded. “Yes! Of course I will! But wait. What about Mom and Dad? They’re definitely going to find out if we go.”
“Then we have to tell them.”

Chris and Dan were terrified about telling them. Both of their families were Catholics, and shared a vision that a man and a woman should get married and have children. Not to men. What if they denied it all? Or what if they would disown them, kick them out of the house and cut finances?

The evening before prom Chris checked over his suit for the last time. His mother entered his room: “So, who’s the lucky girl? You haven’t told me yet.”
“Mom, I have to tell you something,” Chris started: “I’m going to prom with Dan.”
“What? Are you…?” Chris’ mother asked slowly.
“Yes.”
“Then get out of my house.”

The doorbell rang at Dan’s house, and Dan opened. He had tears in his eyes, and the sound of someone crying inside reached all the way to the door.
“Oh… You told them as well?” Chris asked.
“Yes. What happened with you?” Dan could see that Chris carried a dark blue bag with him.
“I was kicked out of the house.”
“Shoot.”
Then Dan went to his room, packed a bag as well, and together he and Chris went outside to Dan’s car. They put their belongings into the trunk, and drove into the night.

“So, what do we do now?” Dan asked.
“I got an aunt in San Francisco. She might let us stay there a couple of days.”
“San Francisco... That’s a 12 hour drive.”
“True. But it’s probably the best solution at the moment.”
“Then let’s go.”

Read and judge me yourself. And yes; I did got an A+, even though I definitely didn't deserve it...

Emotionally Crazy Ride Or Something

2009-09-24T19:31:00.000+02:00

OK. Now breathe.

Yesterday I was talking with the nurse again. Alone. And I'm... Well, I think it's hard to talk about the whole gay issue (because it is now) in Norwegian. The words seem wrong, nothing really fit with my thoughts, and everything's just wrong. Which sucks. Big time. And I have no idea what to do.

So we talked for about 45 min (which is crazy long). Discussing everything, I guess. But it was like I didn't knew what to say because I didn't quite knew how I feel at the moment. So I kind of ended up pulling out a lot of shit, and blah... This is probably the first time I'm not quite sure how to express myself at all; The language(s), the words, the meanings, the feelings. Nothing's working right now concerning words. Not even written.

But still: I definitely see that I'm happier now than two weeks ago. So even though my thoughts are going crazy in my head, I've talked about it. And I see that writing can help, but talking in general can help more. Because for me it's way more personal to say something than writing something (even though I put my soul into my writing).

What scares me the most is if the nurse doesn't take me seriously (but I think she does). No, I have no idea what she can really do to help me. I don't see any solution. But somehow it is helping. Just getting everything out.

What is bad about this talking thing (except the fact that I'm lost in the world of words) is that I don't really know why I ended up at the nurse's office in the first place. No, I'm not happy with my life. I don't like to be gay. I'm scared. But is that the key to happiness? To not be scared anymore? To fully accept the fact that I'm gay? Will I see the good sides of life then? Or is it something else?

There might be something else. I've had some struggles in my life. But who hasn't? Why am I the sad girl, not someone else? Why am I in the emotional cellar?

All I want is to find out what's going on. Yes, I have been psychoanalyzing myself quite a few times (social heritage, don't blame me), but I can't find the root to this mess.

Blah. Self-psychoanalyzing sucks. Especially when it's me about me. Any idea what to do? What to say? I guess she thinks (or that's what my friend and I told her) it's all about the gay thing. Honestly, I don't know.

Anyway, she talked about sending me to this guy named Fredrik. I think he's a shrink or something. Psychologist. Can I say I hope she does? Because I do.

As said before: Shrinks and psychologists should not have kids. Or at least not with each other. Because they're crazy.

Yes, I Am Complaining

2009-09-20T21:46:00.000+02:00

So yeah... My grandparents are here coming from the other side of the country because Mom left my brother and I three weeks ago for some conference and Dad and his wife went to Naxos, Greece this Friday. And I truly wish they didn't come.

I've said some words about my grandparents. They're quite right wings and (not so) mildly conservative, quite opposite of me, which has caused some problems concerning my relationship with them. That definitely sucks, but on the other hand, I can't get away from that I love discussions.

Even though, them being here with me the whole weekend has been challenging. I don't know what's up with them, but I suspect Grandma trying to make everything good again (from what they did when I was having my confirmation). And Grandpa is just acting as nothing's changed. My dreams...

Speaking honest: I know I can be quite harsh with people sometimes, but it's just because I want to challenge the way people look at each other and the rest of the world. I (usually) don't mean anything bad about it. But with my grandparents... I can't deny I'm still a bit mad at them. But if you ask me they haven't done anything trying to make everything good again, so I think I should be allowed to show my feelings for once.

The only thing I want is an apology. Which I probably will never get. And now they're making my weekend worse than it has to be. I don't appreciate it. If you don't like who I am, stay out of my life! I just want to be happy.

I'm angry at them. That's just how it is. Fin.

Courage

2009-09-17T21:00:00.000+02:00

Finally! I finally went to the school nurse, and now I'm going to talk to her about it. Which is terribly frightening...

For a long time my goal has been to go and talk with the school nurse about the whole sexuality issue and my family and stuff. Half a million times I've said to myself: "This is the day." But nothing ever happened (except that time in June, which didn't lead to anything anyway), summer holiday came and went, and at a sudden my teacher wasn't my teacher anymore. So I couldn't tell her at one of the student/teacher meetings, which is probably the one way I would be able to tell her anything (since I'm such a coward).

Even though, this Tuesday I was thinking it all over once again. So I decided to go for it, and sent a text message to a good friend of mine (who was the only one I could possibly get with me, since I haven't told anyone else) where I asked if she was in for it.

Next day I walked around nervous all morning thinking about when to go. I (believe it or not) tend to not skip classes, but now I had to. So before last class I asked my friend if we could go now, and then we did. Now I'm so glad I didn't try to go alone, because I really couldn't speak. At all...

But now it's OK, and I'm happier than I have been for a long time. Next Wednesday I'm going to talk with her again. I really hope I get words for it all, because I definitely got problems speaking about this. But I think it will get better.

Note: Somehow my writing style has changed dramatically. I don't know how, but it just did. Hopefully I'll be "back to normal" concerning my writing soon. Time will show.

Election Day

2009-09-14T19:22:00.000+02:00

So I did it. I voted!

Here's the thing:
In Norway there's a Lutheran church (run by the government) who got election at the same time as the political election. I'm a member of this church (because my parents enrolled me when I was a baby), and since I'll be 15 this year, I can vote in the church election (but not in the political one, though). And even though I don't consider myself as a Christian, I voted.

Now I know several people will say I'm "using the church" and "not a true Christian". Both of this is true, but who can say the church hasn't used me as well? I never wanted to become a member; This was just decided by my parents when I was born. So why can't I vote? I just did my duty as a citizen.

Actually I agree with those who says I shouldn't have voted. But I did. The reason is that when I am a member, I want to do what I can to make (what I think is) positive changes in the church, and steer it in a liberal direction. That isn't as bad, right? I did it for a reason.

I'm happy I voted. I think I did the right thing. Now my biggest hope is that other people did as well, based on some of the same thoughts as me. And who knows? Maybe Norway will end up with a church that (for once) supports everyone.

Day To Day

2009-09-06T18:30:00.000+02:00

It's been a while since I last posted something about myself right now and what's happening in my life, so I thought "Why not?". Here you go:

School started August 17th. It was just back to do the ordinary stuff with the ordinary people. Or almost. A great teacher, whom I trusted, switched to another class, which sucks. So it's not as easy to talk to her anymore, and she's one of the few I can trust. Now I probably have to do it all myself (damn it).

The thing I have to do is to talk, like really talk, to someone. Someone who can get me out of this darkness. Which means I got to increase my courage up to a level that makes me able to talk about this stuff. And go talk with somebody.

Everything is so much easier inside my head. If I actually could talk about my feelings, I wouldn't be held back with everything today. But I'm too scared.

The plan is to go and talk with the nurse. But a) I don't want to skip class, and b) I can't even knock on that (excuse my language) fucking door. So I have no idea what to do. Except psychoanalyzing myself. Which is scary, and not really working.

Session done for today. Mark in protocol: Never ever become a shrink, marry another one and have children. It's just not a good idea.

Normal Or Not Normal, That's The Question

2009-08-22T22:42:00.000+02:00

If I ever get famous (for anything) and write a self biography, it will be named "Normal".

I was thinking on the way home from the grocery store. About my lovely (read ironically) life, and what I make out of the problems I have. Because I (technically) don't have a problem with my sexuality (since I don't really care), and believe it's as normal to be homosexual as heterosexual. So no, I don't have a problem with it. But I do got a problem with what a big part of the world make out of my sexuality. And mostly what they make out of me.

The thing is that a big amount of the Earth's population believe that:
a) Homosexuality is wrong and against all written/unwritten laws;
b) Homosexuality does not exist;
c) Homosexuality in it self isn't wrong, but a person shall not act on his/her feelings.
As much of an expert I can be, being 15 and gay, I would say those thesis are all incorrect.

Back to my problem: I have a problem with people who assume you're strait when you're not. Which basically means almost every single person I happen to know. Which again sucks.

But, OK. That's how we're brought up, how "everyone else" looks at the world: That we're all straight until the contrary is proved. That's just how it is at the moment. I wish it was otherwise. Because it affects the lives of millions of people. People die because of the fact that many look at homosexuality as not "normal".

Yes, we're on our way making it better to not fall under the "umbrella of normal", but we're definitely not all the way there yet. Young people still commit suicide because they don't look at themselves as normal, based on everything from looks, hobbies, personal achievements, family situation, and sexuality. But maybe some day... Personally I can't wait for that day to come.

In the US there's a helpline for LGBTQ youth called The Trevor Project. They do a fantastic job for suicidal LGBTQ youth with a non-profit helpline. To get to know more visit their homepage (), where you may also donate to help them to keep up their good work.
Helpline number (within the US):866-4-U-TREVOR (866-4-8-873867)

My "Gaydar" Isn't Working

2009-07-17T12:30:00.000+02:00

There is a myth that all gay people have a "gaydar". Which sucks, because I don't have any. To be honest I have no idea if a person I meet is gay, straight or anything in between. And that really bothers me, because if you were in my shoes I bet you would also think it would be good to know who's gay and who's not.

Maybe I could wish for a gaydar as a birthday present? As long as it's possible (but it probably isn't).

But if I have a gaydar, it certainly isn't working. I'm just guessing on my way through the world. Of course you could say that this femme boy over here's "so gay", but he doesn't have to be. And the next time you see a girl who from the back seems like a guy; She doesn't have to be gay. Both of them might be gay, for sure, but not necessarily.

No, I don't see how people could possibly have a gaydar. Gays are so different that if you don't see them make out with a human of the same sex as them self it's pretty much impossible to say they're gay. And there's the experimental as well, so it's not so easy even with the "make out test".

But if anyone knows where to get a gaydar, please message me. It definitely could be for a use!

Fun In The Sun, Or In The U.S.

2009-07-12T20:39:00.000+02:00

I want to travel. Far, far away, without my parents. Just me, maybe another good friend or two, but none I'm not able to be myself around. That would be great, even without a lot of money except the plane ticket.

I know pretty much where I would have traveled, what I would do, and with whom. It would probably be around in the US, all over the country. With whom I won't tell you, but they're both two of my best friends.

First of all we have to visit New York City. And go to the Mac store. That's the number 1. But when you're in New York, there's a lot of other things to do: Jog in Central Park + a picnic in the middle of the day; Shopping in SoHo, Greenwich Village and in smaller streets all over Manhattan; Dine in Little Italy; Go to a musical (Sound of Music, Chicago or Hair?); Gay Bar, and maybe get to see some vogue; Ellis Island; and just wandering around in this lovely city.

Another thing I would love to visit Detroit. Just for fun, since I, to be honest, have no idea what to do there... But thanks to Google/visitdetroit.com I found out there's a Motown museum there, and that's a place I have to go!

Anyway, my father has told me it's pretty cool to take the train through the desert across the country in a two-floor thing with a window in the roof at the top where there's beds. I hope that's still a reality, because it seems quite interesting to sleep in a train in the middle of the desert looking into the sky all night long. So, from Detroit to San Fransisco it goes!

San Fransisco has been a dream destination for a while now, with a whole lot I would love to see. Yosemite park is a must. Other things would be to go to Pier 39, the Alcatraz Island, and maybe try out California's Great America. Visiting Ripley's would also be fantastic, and California Academy of Science seems to be such a incredible place. And if there's a chance for me to get to try out rafting again, I definitely will!

Even though I have been in Los Angeles twice, I was just a child, so to get there when I'm old enough to remember everything would be great. In LA there are Hollywood + the Walk of Fame, the Guinness Museum, Disneyland and bathing, pretty much everything important!

Last, but not least, San Diego Pride. That would be awesome, and a perfect ending. And then it's just to head back home (or stay and start at college or something).

I know it's just a dream, but if I'll run over a lot of money once... No, but still. Being off for vacation with friends in stead of family would be great. Just staying cool and relaxed, and most importantly having fun! Sometimes you have to enjoy yourself, right?

Always Look At Bright Side Of Life

2009-06-11T19:09:00.000+02:00

Yes, I think it's pretty important to look at the bright side, but sometimes you have to deal with the bad things as well. It's not good to store the bad feelings, but talk about the things bothering and get over with it. I tried to deal with the bad stuff yesterday, but it didn't work out like I wanted:

I've talked about talking with someone with a good friend of mine (because she's the only one who knows) and we figured out I should ask my teacher about going to the nurse. (In the beginning the plan was to tell her everything, but my teacher is a little bit intimidating, so we figured out just to go for the nurse thing.)
I finally talked to her, but that was like 2 1/2 week before summer break. My teacher couldn't get the nurse on the phone, so she said if it "was in a hurry" I could just go downstairs to her office at the 10th.
So I did go to her office in the lunch break (me halfway dragging my friend, she halfway dragging me), but no one opened the door. Then I pretty much gave up, even though I probably should have skipped class and go down to her (but we're working on a school play, so it wasn't the best time doing it).

Looking at the bright side I did talk to my teacher (I'm so shy that it's quite unbelievable that I actually did), and I'll try again after the summer holidays.

And that song is so awesome!

Who Cares?

2009-05-24T13:00:00.000+02:00

Arguing. Discussions. Every person got it's own point of view, even though it sometimes isn't very strong presented. So; Why do we even care being disagree?

I just checked in on the discussion forum on Unge Venstre's web page. Scrolling down on several topics, a thought popped into my mind: Why do we even care? Why do we start arguing in the first place? Why care about politics?

Well, I'm pretty obsessed with politics, and it's hard to not find anything to discuss when talking to me. I got an opinion on everything. And something I find very negative in our present society is how many who tends to not care. OK, maybe it's something that have been for forever, but really? REALLY?! How can't you care about your wage, children's education, health care and civil rights? You serious?

Still, there's one thing I would like to be: I wish schools were more up to front political participation. That we would learn more about politics in general, debating, the different political parties, and what the politics actually does. Because I believe not that many my age knows too much about politics. Since we never learn about it in school...

Yeah, that was just a shout out to... Everyone?
Anyway; Politics rock!

The Bible Says

2009-05-16T21:53:00.000+02:00

OK, so I finally told someone that I'm gay. Or, I added her on Twitter, and she found my blog. Which, I believe, might have been quite a shock. I don't know, because I kind of haven't got the guts to talk about it face to face with her. But we'll see, and now she might even read this (which scares me to hell).

Well, me on my way out of the closet isn't that exciting to read about (if any of my thoughts are), but my thoughts about religion and parts of my biological family. Because several persons in my family disagree the way I've chosen within religion.

To understand the whole thing there's some things necessary to know about my family:

* My grandfather was a minister, and even though he used to be preaching in a Protestant church he's doing a good time being Catholic in mind and soul.

* Dad's against abortion, gay rights and researching on stem cells, and a "true Christian."

* There's several others that's more than "a bit" Christian as well, but using a day writing about them ain't worth it.

Anyway, in Norway most of the 15-year-olds "confirm" their faith to God. There's thankfully other options as well, without the Christianity part. So I chose one of those options, against my family's will. Still I got it through. Well, after several weeks learning about religion, love, respect and so on, there was a celebration to celebrate me becoming an adult. Almost everyone in the family came, people held speeches for me and so.

Gramp have been going against it all the way (and he's probably praying for me getting "cured" as well), but I didn't care. In the party he held a speech, pointing out all the Christianity around me and so on. And he gave me a bible. Seriously? When I've tried for months saying I'm an Agnostic, he's giving me a bible!

The sad thing was that he kind of ruined my day. I was about to cry when he gave me it. But that's how it goes.

Not So Good Love After All

2009-04-17T21:13:00.000+02:00

This hit me today: Why the hell am I intimidated by my teacher? As I told a couple of weeks ago, I was up to a parent meeting (where my homeroom teacher, let's call her "Joan", my father and I sit down for half an hour talking about me and school). It didn't go terrible, and, thankfully, no words said about the "torpedo hirer." Only thing is that I'm scared to death...

The reason I'm scared isn't because "Joan" is a murder. Nor is she afraid of garlic. The whole stupid thing is that I kind of have a crush on her. And since I wrote about this gay couple (which no 9th grader would ever do if they aren't gay themselves (or so it is in Norway), I'm pretty sure "Joan" thinks I'm gay as well. Like 95% sure.

And, I assure you, that isn't really so bad, after all. But I really want to just tell her instead of writing stupid and terribly bad short stories to explain. Still, there's something that really sucks. Since I have a crush on her, I act horrible when I'm around her. Which is really bad. But the worst thing is that I think she knows...

Yes, she's very accepting (or so I think), but there's no fun in having a crush on your homeroom teacher. Especially not if there's a good chance she knows you're gay and that you got a crush on her.

So, here I am. Madly in love with woman. And there's nothing wrong with it. But what I want is not to have a crush on my homeroom teacher (who grades me in five subjects). I want to tell her I'm gay!

Yeah... That's the reason I try to avoid her in the corridor. But I do look her in the eye, and she looks back. Gosh, I'm really a mess...

FYI: I'm tired and sad, OK? Please don't get mad that I kind of act some egoistic. 'Cause I know. And I'm sorry about that.

Political Parties

2009-03-22T13:14:00.000+01:00

I'm seriously up to get involved in politics. Like in a political party. But I just have to find out what party to join... That will be hard.

My Dad's very active in the local KrF (Christian People's Party*), but they're way too conservative for me. I think I'll end with Venstre (Left*), SV (Sosialistic Left*), Ap (The Workers Party*) or Rødt (Read*). But I don't know. And that's what I have to figure out now.

The things I think is important, is education, economics, environment and equality. And this is what I think about each of it:

Education:
* Longer school days with free warm school meals every day and many clubs and activities on school, making school a place to come together.
* Better learning environment and better teachers.
* More parted teaching, easier for "smart kids" to learn new stuff and not getting bored to death.
* A new and proper school revolution.

Economics:
* Using more of our oil funds' money to better schools, hospitals and other communal agencies.
* Help poor countries to develop by learning, not cold hard cash.
* Play a bigger part in the world's economics.

Environment:
* More and higher taxes on pollution.
* Play a bigger part in global environmental issues.
* Bigger resources to scientists working on environmental issues and solutions.

Equality:
* Better education on minorities at school, such as immigrants, the LGBTQ community, and people in different parts of the community.
* More open debates.

Now I see why there are so many argues at home...

*Directly translated, I have no idea what they would be called if they had English names. I just know they're pretty liberal all of them.

I'm Scared. For Real.

2009-03-21T20:44:00.000+01:00

On Thursday I got a note from my homeroom teacher. I'm up to a parent meeting. And what stroke to me, even though I knew it would come some day? NOOOO!

The reason I'm not very happy having a parent meeting isn't that I'm such a bad girl. I do well in school, I've never beat up anyone, and I just argue a bit with my teachers. The reason is that I last week wrote a short story at school (kind of like an exam). And it wasn't about planning any terror attack, but about a woman and her becoming wife.

"Jeez, it's just about a gay woman, who cares?" you might say. Well, it's not nothing. First of all, my dad's very conservative. For the second, I'm pretty sure nobody in Norway would ever write about that not being gay themselves, and that will lead my teacher to believe I'm gay. As I am. But the whole thing is that if she ever even hints about that to Dad, who's the one coming, I'll be dead.

No, I'm not scared what my teacher will think or say, but if she ever mentions anything near me being something he doesn't want me to be, life won't be easy the upcoming months.

Gosh, I feel dead already. Just please let it be, I beg you!

If you want to read my story, check out my other site where I post many of much of my written work: http://sunnys-texts.blogspot.com/ (You probably have to scroll a bit down, but it's there, called "The Torpedo Hirer"

A Future Diplomat

2009-03-15T19:30:00.000+01:00

I tend to like politics. Those who know me will definitely confirm that. So, in my winter holiday, I asked Dad what he believe is a good job for me. And he said "Diplomat." Well, well... After walking around as crazy thinking about it, I can agree on that.

The pro's:
* I like discussions.
* I don't want to live in Norway.
* I'm doing well with languages.
* I'm quite good ending argues and find solutions best suited for everyone.
* I'm versatile.
* I would definitely love the job.
* I like adventures.

And at the moment, I can't find any con's. Quite lovely, right?

Any other suggestions? I like almost everything. The only thing I definitely can't work with, is soccer. And there's 100% seriousness in that...

"Hi, Meet My Girlfriend!"

2009-02-15T18:49:00.000+01:00

I like women. Yep, I do.

For a while now I've been wondering how it would be to have a girlfriend. Of course there are battles, but still it seems quite nice. To have someone who cares for you and love you, like a friend, but also like something more.

Then how will it be when I get a girlfriend? How will my friends react? And my family? Of course I have to tell them my little secret before that time, but will they be like all OK with it, or won't they like her at all? There's so may questions, but so few answers.

And if we say that I find a girlfriend, we fall in love, move in together, and, at the end, get married. If I then go home for vacation to Norway, what will happen? Me wandering through my hometown, meeting old classmates and so. They being 30, working at an office, having a wife or a husband, and maybe a child or more. Me working as a text writer or something, with my wife, and now home for vacation. Will it be just great? Or not?

Yes, and of course, the meeting with a former teacher. They might be retired, or in their middle age working. Ol' an' gray, but still with that same character as they used to have. "Hi, meet my girlfriend! Ain't she sweet?" How would they react? What would they think of me? Will they reply with "Satan has taken you!" or "Oh, hello! Yes, she's adorable!"

Yep, I really want a girlfriend...

Snow, Dear Snow

2009-02-15T18:34:00.000+01:00

This is unbelievable news: We have snow! The snow has been here a week now, but it's on it's way back to under the ground. That's a bit sad, though. Because I love snow.

Here where I live the winter lasts for about 2 weeks broken up in smaller pieces of about 4 days in a row with less than 0 degrees Celsius (32 degrees Fahrenheit or less). Now it's been exactly one week with snow and about -5 degrees (Celsius) every day, plus five days with a bright sky.

If you don't live in a place without winter, I would say it's hard to understand. But let so be. There's never a white Christmas (nor for those who live south for the equator, but you don't count,) the whole winter, except 2 weeks, is gray, rainy and dark. No fun. It's not even fun to drink hot chocolate.

But I've been skiing and figure skating on a real lake (without cooling devises in it)! I'm sorry if it's a bit too much snow talk, but really. It's snow! Who doesn't melt when they see lovely white dots falling from heaven?

And by tomorrow it'll be gone...

Home, Sweet Home...?

2009-02-07T22:33:00.000+01:00

I read this article in an add-in magazine called Magasinet about "the art of teaching." There was an interview with the Minister of Education as well, and he told what to do to make people become teachers. The school standard isn't so high if you look at test results and stuff compared to other European countries. And that might be caused by some bad teachers. Or bad education of the teachers... I guess on the second one.

So, when I sat there reading, I came up with something: I don't think I'll suck as a teacher. Maybe I'll be quite good. Who knows? Then I thought a little more about it, and was like: That would be quite fun, actually! And maybe I then would return to my home country, where I'm born and raised. Who knows?

The problem is that I've never felt so home here. I don't feel Norway's the place for me. And even if it is... What if homosexuality will never be totally accepted by Norwegians. Especially not Norwegian parents. What if they think I'll recruit others? Or that the kids will come with comments like "Eww... Like kissing girls?" or "That's so disgusting!"

The truth is that I don't believe they will be in ten years. Many of them aren't like that today either. Even though many of them try to be... So, if I'll ever be a teacher and be out as gay, I probably won't meet 20 death threats a day. Or at least I hope not. It won't be that bad.

But another thing is that I don't want to meet people I know. And be out. Maybe that's what I'm most scared of. Maybe not. But I think I'll stick to that theory. I don't want to meet the homeroom teacher I had in eight to tenth grade when I'm 25-30 years old and be like "Hi, nice to see you again! Here, meet my girlfriend [Whatever the name she'll have]. Not gonna happen.

Maybe I won't stay in Norway as I think about it... Nope.

The Big Talk

2009-02-06T21:19:00.000+01:00

I've had some problems with myself the past half a year. Now I kind of know what it's about. Before I didn't. And with my personal problems, I've also had a bit of problem with my homeroom teacher. It's not like she's mean or anything, it's just me.

So we have kind of a chat with our homeroom teacher twice a year or something where we talk about how it's going, both socially, personally and at school.
At Monday it was my turn to talk to my homeroom teacher. In November, at the same type of thing, I told her I was having some trouble. She asked: "In what sort of way?" And I, rambling through my head to come up with something, cause I would never tell her the fact that I'm having identity problems (or not as in sexual identity), wasn't able to say anything else than religion. There I was, telling her about my confirmation (a thing where we "study" religion outside school (and those who go Christian talk a lot about Christianity and the Bible)), not being accepted by my family and all. Then she told me that she's a member of HEF, an organization for atheists and agnostics. And this time we talked more about that.

The point is that I just can't get myself to tell her something like "I'm gay," because:
* The words will not come out of my mouth in Norwegian. And I will not start talking English with her just out of the blue.
* I'm not sure.
* I'm sorry, but I'm a bit ashamed.
* Does she even have anything to do with it?
* I don't want to be all "OMG, I have problems! So many!! HELP ME!!!"
* Yes, and I'm a bit afraid she won't care. And talk to everybody about it. (Even though I know she won't.)

I really wish she would just ask me. She knows there's something up, just not what. And when I miss lead her with religion and all, it's not helping. Jeez...

Life ain't easy...

My Library

2009-01-17T21:44:00.000+01:00

I like reading. Actually I tend not to read that many books, even though I really love to. Sometimes it's hard to just sit down and read. Especially when you know there's something else you should do.

For my birthday I got one book, "Princess Diaries vol. 9." I haven't read it yet though, because I haven't read some of the books earlier in the series. So, got that to do. Christmas, in the other hand, brought a lot of fun. I got two other "Princess Diaries"-books that I wanted, two books about Harry Hole by Jo Nesbø, one by Jostein Gaarder and the "Da Vinci Code: Illustrated Edition." Yes, and my mother, believe it or not, was able to order "The Devil's Advocate" and "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" at Amazon.com. So why not tell you about the books?

Princess Diaries vol. 5 by Meg Cabot: None of the "Princess Diaries" books are books I typically read. So... But it is quite fascinating. Even though I have a tendency to psychoanalyze the characters.

Princess Diaries vol. 6 by Meg Cabot: Not read yet, but planning to in the nearest future.

Princess Diaries vol. 9 by Meg Cabot: I haven't read it yet, because I have to read the books before this one, because it's a series.

Nemesis by Jo Nesbø: Not finished yet, but seriously exciting. He writes some of the best books in the world. Dark crime with a quite different main character. Harry Hole is now well known in the land of fiction. Don't miss this book, nor the other ones by Nesbø (www.jonesbo.com)

The Devil's Star by Jo Nesbø: I'm about to start on this book, I just have to finish Nemesis. Actually, I'm as excited as a little girl on Christmas Eve.

The Devil's Advocate by Morris West: Sorry, I haven't read the cover yet. But I think it's good...

Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh & Henry Lincoln: This is the book Dan Brown says he based "The Da Vinci Code" on. I'm dying to read it, just have to find the time.

The Da Vinci Code: Illustrated Edition by Dan Brown: I have read the book already, and didn't really understand why I got it for Christmas by Dad. But I do love the book. Illustrated? If you aren't very into the Bible, the paintings and the places it might help you understand the book better. But I think I'll recommend the film after reading the book instead.

Yeah, and I bought a book called "Forbidden Knowledge" by Michael Powell. On the back it says that it's a book about what "[...]not everyone should know." Some of the chapters are "How To Make A Nuclear Bomb," "How To Produce An Orgasm" and "How To Irritate Your Neighbor." I laughed for hours!

And there are a lot of other books I want to read before I die. But the time...
Yes, and I got Dad to sign me up for a subscription for Time Magazine. Whoho!

Feel free to recommend books under the subjects crime, technology thrillers, conspiracy teories and religion.

Holy...!

2009-01-06T21:06:00.000+01:00

I've found my right place. In religions, we're now about to learn a lot of cool things. The subject is about new religions. Such as New Age, Google-fantasists, those who believe in aliens plus plus. Believe me, that's awesome!

In religions we usually learn boring stuff about Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism and that crap. Or it isn't crap, just very boring. But finally, finally the books want to teach us about newer religions and beliefs. Thank you!

This is the faiths I know about for now, but I'll learn about more, trust me:

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Church of Scientology

Unification Church

The Church Of Google

It's not that many, after all. And don't be offended by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, nor the Google thing. Do we have a deal?

The Time Has Passed

2009-01-01T22:03:00.000+01:00

Well, then year 2008 is over. Someone might be happy, other sad, and there's those who don't really care. But after all, a new year isn't the absolute start or stop. Because humans are those who make the beginning and the end.

For me, this year has been strange. It started as second half of my fist year at a new school. I felt a bit alone, because when I started, fall '07, I went from a class at nine to a 8th grade at a mass of 114 students. That was very frightening, but also renewing. My group of friends got restricted a lot, but I also got several new friendships. After all, I think I'm standing stronger now than last year.

Also, I got new challenges at school. I think that was the best part. I've always felt different at school, but this year that has gotten better. My teachers (most of them) are challenging me in subjects I felt boring because I knew a lot of what we were thought.

My family, on the other hand, haven't been that easy to deal with. I don't feel close to my family anymore. Maybe I'm the one freezing them out, I don't know... As well in religious thoughts and beliefs. I'm quite against my family at the time, and I'm afraid this will continue in the following year(s).

The one thing that I think has been most on my mind this year, or especially the last half one, is my sexuality. This have been a worry for me, but I've realized a lot about myself as well. I don't know what that will do to 2009, but I think, and hope, that my family won't be a part of that side of my life yet. But maybe I'll do more with my "online life," if I have anything like that.

This year has, after all, been a different year. I've learned a lot about myself and others that I surround in my daily life. Both positive and negative. Maybe I've had this so-called "inner travel." I don't know... But I hope 2009 will be an exciting year with a lot of experiences.

Happy 2009!

The Beloved And Hated Resolutions

2008-12-30T14:34:00.000+01:00

Two weeks ago, I wrote about New Year's Resolutions as a paperwork on school. And, because it's New Year's Eve tomorrow, why not post it and tell you what I mean? Enjoy.

“I promise you: I’ll be so much nicer to my little brother the following year! I’ll make it my New Year’s resolution. Seriously! And I’ll keep it,” my best friend told me another day. But to say it like it is, I’ve heard that before. Last year, and even before that, she told me the same. And she can’t keep it. So I don’t think she will this time either…

My friend isn’t alone making New Year’s resolutions. I definitely know that I can’t keep mine, so I don’t do it anymore. But I used to. About an hour before midnight, I came up with something. Then, the next day or so, I forgot it all. But I guess I couldn’t keep them anyway. So I gave up. But I know that many of my friends and family still make New Year’s resolutions.

I think New Year’s resolutions are pointless. Especially when you can’t keep them anyway. But if you can keep them, I guess it is a really smart way making personal goals. And who doesn’t wants to get rid of bad habits? But when you can’t keep your resolutions, wouldn’t that give you a bad self esteem? When my father told me some years ago that his New Year’s resolution was to start exercising, he couldn’t keep it. Then I really felt sorry for him. And I think he felt bad too. I don’t think that his promise to himself made him any happier. I know about a lot of other people who can’t keep their promises, and I don’t think they’re too happy about it.

So why do you do it? I’ve never seen the point. Is it that you got the need to reach out for something? Or is it just popularity or an old tradition? And if it is because of popularity: When did making New Year’s resolutions make you popular? And it isn’t any cool about doing it anyway. But I do understand that about reaching goals, though. You feel good after reaching a goal, and goals make you push yourself harder. But you are still capable of making goals when it’s not New Year’s Eve. It’s totally fine to say in the middle of June: “I’m going to practice my tennis skills this summer!” So why just make them on New Year’s Eve when you can make promises to yourself all year through?

My mother and father are psychiatrists. They are bound to observe professional secrecy, so I haven’t had the chance to ask them if they treat someone with problems caused by New Year’s resolutions, but I guess there are cases based on that, even though they might not be working on it. Could New Year’s resolutions be a psychical threat? I don’t think so, but you never know. Maybe someday one of the big papers like The Sun, Washington Post or The Journal has a major article about depressed people with New Year’s resolutions.

But if you make a New Year’s resolution, even though I beg you not to, what promise should you make? There are several promises to choose from. You have the classic “I’ll stop smoking,” which is very popular among smoking middle age men, or maybe the children’s promise about not eating candy for a year. Also you might try the resolution about not being rude to your parents, or do all your homework, which is popular among teenagers. There are some more extravagant choices like start smoking to be cool, or start drawing. And if you want to be extremely high fashioned, why not say you’ll start eating ecological food and bike 12 miles to work and home again? Well, you have a lot to choose from, so you better start picking!
What do you do, then? After making a New Year’s resolution? You try to follow them. And if you fail? You keep on going. Try it next year, like my friend. Or you act like you don’t care, but I know you do. There are really no limits. And you can even have several at the time, like quit smoking and eat ecological. Well, then your health will improve.

Back to my friend: She really isn’t that bad with her brother. Actually she’s pretty nice to him. But brothers can be annoying. Maybe I also should make a New Year’s resolution like my friend’s? Also, there are several things about myself I would try to change, but I don’t think making New Year’s resolutions are the way for me to do something about them. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to improve yourself, but then again I don’t think New Year’s resolutions are the way to try to make changes.

And will the new year make us happier, less angry, and, of course, more peaceful!

Happy New Year!

Abundance Isn't Always Good

2008-12-28T21:29:00.000+01:00

I seriously have a bad social heritage. Both my parents are psychiatrists. "Good for the community," you might say. Well, not for me. Because every time I meet people, I try to analyze them. And I analyze every person I know. It's very... annoying. Because I've discovered that I actually am quite good at it as well. So now I have these, sometimes strange, theories about people.

Someone might say that it's cool to think this about people they know, but it's not. When I think these thoughts, I always wonder if they're true. But very often I don't get to know the answer. And when I besides of that am very curious... No good.

There's also something else caused by my social heritage. I "try" to be everyone's psychologist. For an example: If my best friend gets dumped, I talk to her, tell her that I know how she feels and stuff. Even though I've been dumped. But I kind of feel that I still know what she's going through. Or if someone doesn't understand something at school, I can tutor he or she, even though I've always kept track with what we learn on school.

Plus - I tutor my classmates. All the time. I can help them, strange enough, to understand what they're doing. When some of the teachers can't.

Yes, I am bragging. It's just that I don't always feel that my skills are in my advantage. Sometimes they just bother me. But you got to stick through with what you got.

A Book Here, And A Book There...

2008-12-26T19:02:00.000+01:00

I'm writing on a book. No kidding. And it might even be quite good.

Well, I wouldn't just start to write a book out of the blue. After a long time, plus a lot of hints from my teacher in English and Norwegian, I finally started develop some of my material. But I have no idea of what to do then... Maybe I'll send some of the material to a publisher for response, but when it's not finished... No, I don't know.

I'll write in Norwegian the first time. But later, I think I'll try English. I just need some experience. I mostly enjoy writing plain criminal stories, but this one I've started on now is a mix between crime, science fiction, and history. Let's just hope it turns out good.

The book will be about a woman who finds an old book from 1817. The strange thing is that it contains descriptions of cars, computers and several electrical equipments. She gets her friend at work, who is a lab technician, to check if it really is from 1817. And at the same time the woman reads the book she found, a very old Russian man, who's blind, sees her reading it. He doesn't want her to, because he proclaim that then she will get haunted, as he is, by the book.

That's how far I've come. But I have no idea of what to do next. And I don't want to write a book that nobody is going to read. That would be horrible. We'll see... Any suggestions?

Christmas Spare Time

2008-12-23T15:13:00.000+01:00

What do you do in the holidays?

That's a quite interesting question. Especially when it's about this season. Because almost everyone are so stressed around this time of the year. And when Christmas Eve finally arrives, you're supposed to be so relaxed. You shall enjoy your family and have quality time together. But the stress attacks you, and then you're even more stressed than usual.

But for those who stress less, or is a child or youth, there's plenty of other things to do. Like watch old Christmas movies. Or play board games. And you might hang out on YouTube, but that's what you can do all year around.

My favorite holiday activity is to play the piano and sing Christmas songs. In Norway we got lovely Christmas songs, and some of them are even nicer than a lot of the Americans. But on the top of my list of most beautiful Christmas songs is a Swedish one: Himlen I Min Famn by Carola. It's the most lovable songs ever.

Music is very important for humans. We relate to the compositions. And that makes them even more powerful than just the lyrics. The whole song can change a persons life.

The holidays are both stressing and relieving. They gather family. They convey love. But if you have some spare time, it's important to have something to do at that time. Why not relax to the sound of wonderful Christmas songs?

Peace & Love, You Know

2008-12-19T20:20:00.000+01:00

I've always been fascinated by religion. Even though I don't believe in any God, I think both the history, the traditions and, of course, the beliefs are exciting. There's so much more than just thinking there's something or someone watching over us. But I also find it strange that a very big percent believe in things they've never ever seen or felt in any other way. Especially when major causes where someone says something strange happened, and it can be clarified by science.

No, I'm not against religion or anything. Here where I live, there's a lot of very Christian people. I don't judge. And they're also doing a lot of good stuff to the community. If you want and example, they give children and youth a place to hang out, and teach them a lot of good stuff too.
What I don't like, and I don't care whatever religion the person(s) have, is when he/she/they try to push their religion on others, nor when they judge people. That's just sad.

I've heard a lot of good stories about religious people who survived a rough time with their religion, and that their religion actually saved them from doing horrible things, like taking suicide, do drugs, and others. But I've also heard about cases where religion just made things worse. Everything has several sides. That's just how it is. If we didn't have any religions, we might not have so many wars, but people having a bad time might not get out of it without having anything to rely on and find solace in.

But the big problem, I think, isn't religion, but accepting. If everyone could try to accept each other, things would be so much better. I don't say you should be OK with anything, but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, how bad could it be? Acceptance is the key to peace. That's my final thought.

Please, everyone: Accept each other! Give and get, you know, the Golden Rule and all. Have mercy and acceptance, and the world will be a better place.

In Whom's Hands?

2008-12-12T14:45:00.000+01:00

For a long time I've been very concerned about the environment. I try my best to not overuse our resources, travel environmentally and recycle. In the matter of fact: I'm going to live on this planet for a long time (I hope), and I don't want our planet to be so (sorry the expression) fucked up. I don't want to be a part of the human race when we destroy our home. But I don't think my generation will, if our parents try to teach us not to.

As mentioned earlier, my Dad isn't that a environmentally friendly person. He can be some egoistic. And when I think about it, I've been the one who follows up the recycling and traveling business at home. I made my parents recycle everything. I don't want to be bragging, this is reality.

There are parents who teach they're children to recycle and bike for school, but not too many. Social heritage is very important. So, if the parental generation could try to affect us, we, the persons who will rule the world within a few years, learn what to do, and especially what not to. The future is in the young people's hands, but even more in the parents' hands. When a child is born, he or she doesn't know a thing about the environment, but the parents does.

Teach us!

Christmas Presents

2008-12-07T18:18:00.000+01:00

I always struggle with what to give to my friends and family. Last year I gave a lot of pictures of myself in frame or as a magnet to my family, and to my friends I gave some jewelry. I'm not good at presents at all, and I don't want them to be just bought, and with no emotions involved. They're supposed to be special.

So, at the dinner table today, my Mom asked me what I've been doing the whole day. I told her I was writing and stuff. Then it "came to me." Why not give stories for Christmas presents? As told, I love writing. And I'm actually quite good, if I must say it myself. Mom and Dad always enjoy reading my texts, and I almost throw them out on paper, so why not? What do you think? Would you be grateful for a story as a Christmas present?

Also, my Dad is a really threat against the environment. So, I consider giving him a climate quota or something. I don't think he's grateful enough either, so a donation to a help organization would also be great. But I told him that I maybe would give him a climate quota or a donation for Christmas, and he told me he didn't wanted that. But I don't care. Wouldn't that be a wonderful present for him?

You see, I got to come up with something like that. Something original and/or positive for others. No socks or anything.

Snowy Christmas, You Think?

2008-12-07T16:56:00.000+01:00

I was checking the local weather forecast on a Norwegian website called yr.no, because there have been freezing outside, -2 degrees in Celsius. Or, where I live that's freezing. So I wondered if there would be any snow the next couple of days. No... Because apparently there's not supposed to snow in the wintertime here. Every winter there's 5 degrees and rain. All day, every day. So there haven't been a white Christmas since forever or something. But about 50 years ago, every Christmas had snow. Now they don't, thanks to climate changes.

About snow; I love it. Skiing is one of my favorite hobbies, and I also enjoy figure skating. But where I live, I can't do that. Or, we have skating arenas, but no frozen lakes or anything. And that sucks...

Those who doesn't live in Norway, often thinks that Norway is all white from the middle of November till March or something. Sorry guys, we don't. But some parts of our country is snowy most of the winter, but that's north for Trondheim and in the mountains.

Well, I can blame it on someone, everyone. The climate is the problem. Most of us don't care too much, and especially not doing anything. That's sad, because we're ruin our world. The past generations didn't know too much what the causes would be when they started using motors and alike, but after a while, when the research started, they got to know. Now we even know more, but do we do anything? Nope. And that's too bad. The next generations' happiness lays on our shoulders. We have to act differently if we shall give the next generations a happy place to live. And when we got the technology, as we do now, we have to better the climate. We can't just sit here and play dumb.

So, I officially blame all you guys, especially those over 30, for that I will not have a white Christmas.

Please, can't you spare the climate for me? I want a white Christmas!

Hi!

2008-12-07T16:08:00.000+01:00

I love writing. And expressing what my view is in different cases. So... That's what I'll do. The subjects will be the most, but I think that personal and political subjects will be most common, plus some about art.

Before I start that, I'll tell you some about myself.
25 things about me:
I love horses.
My favorite food is Italian.
I live in the west of Norway, every other week at Mom and the others at Dad.
I have four brothers; one biologically and three steps.
Music is one of my passions, especially singing and playing piano.
I want to move to the US, Japan, Australia, New Zealand or Canada within the next four years.
I'm quite smart, and do well at school.
I speak Norwegian and English fully, Spanish halfway, understand a bit Italian, French, German, and understand quite well Danish and Swedish.
I'm questioning my sexuality.
I keep secrets.
I want to be an author, actress or singing artist.
I love the nature.
I horseback ride and do gymnastics.
I think about strange subjects over 50% of the time.
Reading is one of my greater passions.
I'm one of those who think learning is great.
I write a diary.
I'm an agnostic.
I proofread every time I read books, papers, magazines or so.
I want to study abroad now, and not wait until I'm 18.
Christmas is my favorite holiday.
I'm stuck on YouTube.
I want to start writing a book, but never do.
I've sewn several dresses, but they don't want to be the way I want them to be.
I'm quite good at acting as a psychologist (that might be a social heritage from my parents, because they're psychiatrist...)

Now you know more about me than many others I know... But now I'm going to write something interesting in stead. Hope you'll continue reading what I write!