My Little Gay World

This is crazy. Or, my life is crazy. At least a little. Or maybe it isn't, I just want it to be. And I use it as an excuse for not blogging the last couple of weeks.

Actually, I don't need an excuse. I'm the one deciding. And I decided to not put a post up because I've really felt like crap these past two weeks. You just know when you should just lock yourself inside your room and listen to music and not torturing other people with your own shit. I really don't. But I (sort of) did this time.

But here I am. Once again. I'm torn into pieces. I'm a total mess, as usual. Or... It's actually moving forward. I'm learning to accept myself for who I am. But it's going slowly. And it's not easy at all. Anyway, this is what's been going on:

I told one of my close friends that I'm seeing a therapist. She's OK with that, and she didn't begin to dig down deep into why. But I also found out she doesn't "approve" homosexuality. Yes, I've known her for quite some years now, and I know she isn't that a liberal person. Her beliefs set quite a standard for her, so I'm not surprised to finally find out what she really thinks. And even though she isn't accepting gays at the moment, I know that she is a person who can see good in people. It kind of hurts when I know one of my closest friends dislike homosexuality, but I can live with it.

Another friend of mine also got something to say regarding gays. From earlier experiences I've discovered that she got some strong opinions on certain subjects, but I actually haven't heard her criticize homosexuality before to this date. But today she told me, as well as her best friend (being there with us), her stands on gay marriage. As about everyone in her church she's against. No surprise after all, but I didn't expect her to say that a person's sexuality can be changed.

For my friend to say that all gays, including me, can change, really hurts. Changing a person's sexuality is in my eyes not possible. And when you get that thrown into your face, no matter if you're out or not, that's just... No, I don't like it. But I was so happy when her best friend, who's also a friend of mine, said that you "really can't change it. You're just born that way." But as said, I know some of my friends, and a whole bunch of my family, aren't accepting homosexuality. Yes, it hurts. But I can't sit on that the rest of my life. I got to build my own life, and live it how I want it to be.

So, except the gay bashing and a mentally roller coaster ride, I've been talking with the psych again. Well, I guess this is the major thing causing the roller coaster, but whatever. You get the point. Anyway: This Tuesday I was at the psych again. I had, as the time before, promised myself that this was the day I would say "I'm gay" to somebody. And guess if that happened? Nope...

It's getting better, though. I actually said "I like girls" like 10 times in one session! For me that's almost unbelievable. But I did it. And it actually released some of the weight on my shoulders. I'm not sure if that is how it will be - that my stress/anxiety level will be at this point or lower for the rest of my life - but hopefully I'll not end up as horrible as I've been the last couple of weeks ever again. Still, I don't know how it will go, but maybe I got a somewhat more positive view on it all now.

A little side note on the psych: Today, in studies class, my teacher came up to me. She was the one I had to tell I'm seeing a psychologist so I won't have to tell my parents, and she's been acting weird and over-caring since. And that's been quite annoying. But what she told me today, that's not annoying at all. That's just freaky.

"So, are you still seeing the psychologist? I haven't seen you skip school in the last couple of weeks..." she said to me.
"Yes, I got some sessions after school."
"OK, then. I guess that's for the best..."
"Yeah... Sure." And no, I was not to mention that I'll skip an hour and a half in 14 days. You're to take every day as it comes, right?
"Is it OK to talk to 'Henry' then?" my teacher keeps on.
"Yeah... Guess so..."
"You know, I know him, you see. And he's very easy to talk to." And no, I did not know that...
"Well, I guess there's a reason he's a psychologist..."
"Sure, but it's not everyone it's as easy to talk to."
"No, guess not," I finish.

Scary! And I thought I had stopped thinking all conspiracies, because that's what's for the best... Apparently that's not a fact. Because I've actually thought about that. He could know someone I know as well. And that's scary. And freaky.

Well, it's just to wait for the future to tell what will happen... Sorry about writing miles, but this might become my self biography someday. And that book got to be with some pages!

Normal Or Not Normal, That's The Question

If I ever get famous (for anything) and write a self biography, it will be named "Normal".

I was thinking on the way home from the grocery store. About my lovely (read ironically) life, and what I make out of the problems I have. Because I (technically) don't have a problem with my sexuality (since I don't really care), and believe it's as normal to be homosexual as heterosexual. So no, I don't have a problem with it. But I do got a problem with what a big part of the world make out of my sexuality. And mostly what they make out of me.

The thing is that a big amount of the Earth's population believe that:
a) Homosexuality is wrong and against all written/unwritten laws;
b) Homosexuality does not exist;
c) Homosexuality in it self isn't wrong, but a person shall not act on his/her feelings.
As much of an expert I can be, being 15 and gay, I would say those thesis are all incorrect.

Back to my problem: I have a problem with people who assume you're strait when you're not. Which basically means almost every single person I happen to know. Which again sucks.

But, OK. That's how we're brought up, how "everyone else" looks at the world: That we're all straight until the contrary is proved. That's just how it is at the moment. I wish it was otherwise. Because it affects the lives of millions of people. People die because of the fact that many look at homosexuality as not "normal".

Yes, we're on our way making it better to not fall under the "umbrella of normal", but we're definitely not all the way there yet. Young people still commit suicide because they don't look at themselves as normal, based on everything from looks, hobbies, personal achievements, family situation, and sexuality. But maybe some day... Personally I can't wait for that day to come.

In the US there's a helpline for LGBTQ youth called The Trevor Project. They do a fantastic job for suicidal LGBTQ youth with a non-profit helpline. To get to know more visit their homepage (), where you may also donate to help them to keep up their good work.
Helpline number (within the US):866-4-U-TREVOR (866-4-8-873867)