Feelings. Weird Feelings.

Note: I don't care whatever the time is. This is life.

OK. This has been a day. A freakin' weird day. Or, not really actually, it's been more amazing. Because guess what, I said it! I freakin' said it! "I'm a lesbian" came out of my mouth today. And not to a total stranger over the phone, but to people in real life.

I haven't written it yet (or I might've spammed those of you who're on Twitter with it), but I managed to say "I'm a lesbian" to this Monday. Over the phone to a lady in Oslo. OK, I could've called a helpline or something. But that was definitely not what was happening. Because I called in to the host of a youth radio show. And then I went on air. Saying I am a lesbian.

How freakin' amazing ain't that?! It sounds really weird, I'm totally aware, but I still see it as a tremendous step for me to be able to say that word. Monday February 15th 2010 is the date I came to acknowledge myself, and to be true. Because that's the date when I really came out to myself.

Now, that's not what happened today. This is six days after. But today I was finally able to come out to some of my friends. Me and some of my friends (including one of the two good friends who's actually reading this (Hi!)) gathered to watch a movie and just hang out, and after a few (also known as a million) talks about it, me and the friend who knows about this whole mess decided that today would be a day to come out to people. So I did! I don't know how, but I did.

After the movie was finished, my friend suggested that we should all talk about our crushes, just to make me more uncomfortable so I would actually come through with this. And I promise you, even before this she sent me a billion looks to make me start with this thing. But there we sat, and everybody told who they has/had a crush on, one by one. Then it got to be my turn.

"Ehm... I don't know..." I first tried. Then one of my friends thought me and a guy we met at project week had a really good connection, so she (of course) "accused" me of liking this guy. No good luck with that, though. Then, after discussing this way too much (not for a long time, though), I said: "There's something I want to tell you guys." Not too many listened way too carefully what I was saying (it's not like I'm shouting "I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" when it's about stuff like this), so my friend was just like "SHE WANNA TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING!" to get everyone's attention.

My lovely mind was just blank for a second, and then I tried going with "I'm...". And at last I said it. That last sentence sounds weird in my head, but whatever. I freakin' said it! So now I'm the lesbian in the bunch who can tell if a wannabe-cool-blogger is sexy or not. Works for me!

No, but really, it was a frightening experience. But I'm glad it's all over. Still, just imagining I'll have to do this for way too many times kind of bothers me. But you got to live with it. We all have our struggles. It's very scary though, to know that now there's way more people who knows who I really am. But now I can be more and more myself. And that I'm grateful.

It's a weird feeling.

The Gays And The Lesbos - Organized

It's Saturday. Two days until it's Monday. Mondays are scary. You kinda never know what's gonna happen. Though, if you're not a psychic, you can't know what's to come any other days either. I can't. And you probably can't either.

This Monday to come is even more scary than usual. Because our school is going to be visited by Skeiv Ungdom, an organization for LGBTQ youth. And I know her, the person coming. Because I've met her. At an Skeiv Ungdom event. Because I'm freakin' gay, and in the closet.

I'm kind of excited, though. Because I guess it's going to be interesting to really get to know someone's history. I know a lot of histories, though. But that hasn't made it easier for me, I guess. I'm still here though - queer, halfway in denial and not exactly loving myself. But you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Or in 1 3/4 day.

Damn, she knows me! If I met her almost anywhere else than at my school, I would totally say "Hi!" to her. But this is in school. I'm not really ready to come out. And even though a lot of people know someone who's gay, I don't. That's kind of weird. And it's kind of freaking me out that I now know, and that it gets this close to me. Once it was in the city, far from all of my family and friends, and I could leave whenever I wanted. This Monday it will, for a sudden, be right in front of me, in my "real" life.

I'm glad my school get visited though. And Norway is a great country regarding that, because there's a lot of freedom here. The gays and the lesbos can get organized, and they get financial support from the state. And we learn about sexuality at school. But it's scary. I'm living a double life, one where I'm straight and all good, and one where I'm the real me. But on Monday they'll kind of meet.

Maybe I'll say "Hi!"... We'll see. I can't predict the future.

Girls Or Gals?

So... A short one. I kind of came out to two of my friends today... Actually I don't really know what that means, but anyway.

I was walking home from the mall with two of my friends. We talked, and at a sudden they started asking me questions (because one of them does that (asking weird/awkward/serious questions) all the time, so they decided to ask me some of them as well). One of them asked me about who I've had a crush on. I tried to avoid the question, saying stuff like "Em... I don't know... People, you know." and so. But they both kept on digging, and at a sudden the other asked: "Boys or...? Or girls?"

Me being bold, I said: "Well, girls... Once." Even though I said a big fat lie when I told them I've just had a crush on a girl once, I don't really care. And then they asked about what I define myself, or what I was into (or something). "I don't know. Both?" I said. Then they both told me it was cool me admitting it and stuff, and then we started talking about something else. Like it was no big deal!

It was kind of scary, though it only took a few seconds. And I avoided the word "lesbian". Thankfully. Still, I did just tell them I'm kind of bi-curious.Which I'm kind of not... But when rushing to meet them at the mall just half an hour after my session with the psych, I thought I would be like "don't talk to me" or something. But I wasn't. I some sort of came out to them in stead. And I'm so happy for that!

Psych went good as well, and I could actually talk (a bit (aka vaguely)) about the gay thing. But we did get further, and I'm not that a big ice cube anymore. So even though I (kinda) flunked my math exam, this day was way more positive than negative. Definitely.

A good day.

This Is How It Goes

Tuesday was my fourth time at the psych. It's still scary. Fucking unbelievably scary. But it's OK. I think and hope and believe I get something out of it talking to this guy, so...

But it's really hard. Especially when talking about things I wish would never ever be said a word about. Still, I gotta stay strong, right? And, however stupid and cliche it sounds like: I'm not doing it just for myself. It's OK to not be happy all the time, but sometimes it gets too much, just causing pain on everyone else.

Both last time and this Tuesday he asked me how I feel about going to him and talk. I said I really think it's scary, but I'm OK with it. It's better talking to him than not talking to anyone, after all. So he asked me why I am afraid coming. "Is it because it's scary talking about certain subjects?" he asked. Couldn't do anything else than confirm that. But who ain't afraid of that? No, I'm not comfortable talking about my sexuality. Sorry, but that's just how it is...

I didn't tell him that I don't like talking about that, though. But of course we had to discuss it eventually. I could feel every muscle in my body tighten. My eyes looked around fast to find a safe spot to look at when he said the word 'lesbian'. I was just so scared.

Later that session he pointed out to me that I got more tense when talking about certain subjects. He could see it. But that's what you learn taking psychology at university, right?. Still, it's quite scary. That a person can read you like that (even though it might have been quite easy to spot, after all). Yes, I do it all the time (social heritage), but I tend not to say anything. Because it's freaky. Especially when you don't want anyone to know, which you usually don't. Scary and freaky...

Can I make that an argument not to go? That it's scary to talk about stuff, and that I'm freaked out when he "reads" me? No, seriously. Keep up tough, right? I gotta make me my own pep talk tonight. Or at least before next session.

I'm not used to open up to people. Maybe that's what's scary, bottom of the bottle. At the moment I'm not quite sure. But opening up is scary. Right? But I'll do good. Get my ass down there in two weeks as I did this week. Try to talk about it as good as I can, hoping (and wanting) to do better.

So this is to say something about how talking to the psych is doing. Because it's hard explaining what we're talking about, and so that I can sort things out and put it in perspective. Just to look at the whole thing.

And yes, the tissues are still to be used. I don't cry easily.

Normal Or Not Normal, That's The Question

If I ever get famous (for anything) and write a self biography, it will be named "Normal".

I was thinking on the way home from the grocery store. About my lovely (read ironically) life, and what I make out of the problems I have. Because I (technically) don't have a problem with my sexuality (since I don't really care), and believe it's as normal to be homosexual as heterosexual. So no, I don't have a problem with it. But I do got a problem with what a big part of the world make out of my sexuality. And mostly what they make out of me.

The thing is that a big amount of the Earth's population believe that:
a) Homosexuality is wrong and against all written/unwritten laws;
b) Homosexuality does not exist;
c) Homosexuality in it self isn't wrong, but a person shall not act on his/her feelings.
As much of an expert I can be, being 15 and gay, I would say those thesis are all incorrect.

Back to my problem: I have a problem with people who assume you're strait when you're not. Which basically means almost every single person I happen to know. Which again sucks.

But, OK. That's how we're brought up, how "everyone else" looks at the world: That we're all straight until the contrary is proved. That's just how it is at the moment. I wish it was otherwise. Because it affects the lives of millions of people. People die because of the fact that many look at homosexuality as not "normal".

Yes, we're on our way making it better to not fall under the "umbrella of normal", but we're definitely not all the way there yet. Young people still commit suicide because they don't look at themselves as normal, based on everything from looks, hobbies, personal achievements, family situation, and sexuality. But maybe some day... Personally I can't wait for that day to come.

In the US there's a helpline for LGBTQ youth called The Trevor Project. They do a fantastic job for suicidal LGBTQ youth with a non-profit helpline. To get to know more visit their homepage (), where you may also donate to help them to keep up their good work.
Helpline number (within the US):866-4-U-TREVOR (866-4-8-873867)

My "Gaydar" Isn't Working

There is a myth that all gay people have a "gaydar". Which sucks, because I don't have any. To be honest I have no idea if a person I meet is gay, straight or anything in between. And that really bothers me, because if you were in my shoes I bet you would also think it would be good to know who's gay and who's not.

Maybe I could wish for a gaydar as a birthday present? As long as it's possible (but it probably isn't).

But if I have a gaydar, it certainly isn't working. I'm just guessing on my way through the world. Of course you could say that this femme boy over here's "so gay", but he doesn't have to be. And the next time you see a girl who from the back seems like a guy; She doesn't have to be gay. Both of them might be gay, for sure, but not necessarily.

No, I don't see how people could possibly have a gaydar. Gays are so different that if you don't see them make out with a human of the same sex as them self it's pretty much impossible to say they're gay. And there's the experimental as well, so it's not so easy even with the "make out test".

But if anyone knows where to get a gaydar, please message me. It definitely could be for a use!

I'm Scared. For Real.

On Thursday I got a note from my homeroom teacher. I'm up to a parent meeting. And what stroke to me, even though I knew it would come some day? NOOOO!

The reason I'm not very happy having a parent meeting isn't that I'm such a bad girl. I do well in school, I've never beat up anyone, and I just argue a bit with my teachers. The reason is that I last week wrote a short story at school (kind of like an exam). And it wasn't about planning any terror attack, but about a woman and her becoming wife.

"Jeez, it's just about a gay woman, who cares?" you might say. Well, it's not nothing. First of all, my dad's very conservative. For the second, I'm pretty sure nobody in Norway would ever write about that not being gay themselves, and that will lead my teacher to believe I'm gay. As I am. But the whole thing is that if she ever even hints about that to Dad, who's the one coming, I'll be dead.

No, I'm not scared what my teacher will think or say, but if she ever mentions anything near me being something he doesn't want me to be, life won't be easy the upcoming months.

Gosh, I feel dead already. Just please let it be, I beg you!

If you want to read my story, check out my other site where I post many of much of my written work: http://sunnys-texts.blogspot.com/ (You probably have to scroll a bit down, but it's there, called "The Torpedo Hirer"