That Fucking Blood

I know you people don't see me often, but whatever. I got a life. Impressed? So yeah. I'm sorry, I don't want to be mad at you. I just want to be mad at someone. Do you know who's stupid? My father. He's kinda a dickhead. And as I'm way too gay, I'm allergic to dickheads. Is me+father=good then true? Didn't think so either.

Sometimes my father just gets on my nerve. He can be so arrogant, and I bet he believes he's just the good the world needs. Mind you, I know how stupid this sounds like. Everybody hates their parents sometimes. But when you go angry to bed for the fourth time this week, there's something wrong. It can't be right at least. He does deserve my harsh words to come.

OK, what is really wrong with him? Well, he believes he's this superb environmentally friendly person. Which he's not. The only reason he can find for actually dividing the trash into paper, plastic, food and waste is because of his wife, who for some reason actually cares. Maybe she just wants to be a "good" person. But whatever. My stepmother is cool enough, at least sometimes. She's not worth caring that much about, at least not right now. Anyways, why does my father even try to care about the environment? Except that his wife might think he's more sexy while throwing the paper into the paper basket, he's got no reason. Maybe he wants to please me? Nope. Not everything is about me, you know.

Another thing that makes my father stupid, is how he interacts with his (step-)children. He wants to be oh so good, say positive things to them and be nice. He sounds so fake. Believe me, he won't exactly win an Oscar in the nearest future. Not even Juilliard could make him good. He's untruthful, and don't even care whether he says something that makes sense or not. It's just... wrong. Sorry.

What I wish the most that my father would do better, is to not pick the wrong fights. He can talk half an hour with my little brother because he (understandably enough) doesn't wish to kill himself in the form of school. My little brother is amazing, I tell you that. But of course he shouldn't do nothing but school when he's only in 8th grade! He is 13 for God's sake! But my father still doesn't think my brother is doing good enough. He is. He doesn't even know it himself, but he sure is.

When a parent is arguing about a chocolate or a school assignment, instead of caring about what really is the matter, that is a problem. That's what my father does. It just makes him look stupid. Even I believe he's stupid now.

My father makes me hate him. It's not my fault. And I hate my "blood connection" to him. Even though he's my biological father, doesn't mean that he acts like a father should. And while I've got way too much to do, and can't be home to take care of my brother so much, I feel scared. Scared for what my baby brother fears, what makes him sad in life. I know that he also has a problem with dad, in some way or another. If I could only be around him as much as I wish, and look after him. My brother is my love. All I fear is him not being OK.

Maybe I'm scared of my father. Or maybe I just hate him. One or the other. I want to tell him I'm gay. But he doesn't deserve it. He really doesn't deserve it, at all. He's just stupid. Fuck him.

Do I need to talk to somebody again?

We Are All Weird

21 Guns - Green Day (American Idiot Cast Version)

This is my I-feel-horrible-and-need-some-emo-music-to-get-over-it-all music. It's pretty fabulous, right? When in New York in the end of June, my family and I saw this amazing musical where the song's taken from. I still love it. Their version of Before the Lobotomy was fabulous too, and very touching. But yeah... I suck at changing subjects.

Now I'm listening to Die Polizei - Kaizers Orchestra. You should check it out on Spotify, YouTube or wherever. It's lovely. Even though you don't understand all the lyrics (it's in three different languages all at once; Norwegian, German and English), it just is. Really, really good.

I really haven't told you anything except throwing my sappy songs over you. You're trapped, and then you vanish. I wonder how it is to forgotten. To not exist, even though you do. It must suck.

You know what? I hate my father. Right now I really, really hate him. Even more than I hate my grandfather. And it ain't easy to hate anyone more than I hate my grandfather, at least not when he hasn't done that much of a damage to the world. Or, at least not to the world's world. But he's destroyed my world. They both have, really.

Does anyone know what's almost as hypochondria, but you're afraid of something bad happening instead? Maybe it's just anxiety... But that's what my father's got. Or so I believe. He thinks I'm going to die of a heart attack when I'm swimming across a rather small lake. With a life jacket. Right next to my cousin at 14, also covered in a life jacket. Yep, anxiety.

But now I'm happy, no matter how emotional this music is. Talking to hilarious friends via Facebook chat is just genius. Politicians are the funniest. At least those in my liberal, loveable Venstre (Left). No, now I ended up happy. Well, that's good, I guess. Thank god.

Did you know I'm creative? I think I'll post my US holiday video here when it's done. It's played with this amazing piece of music in the background. Love it.


Listen to it here
Kids - MGMT

Weird.
Cool though.

As Yesterday Cut, Tomorrow Sings

"The times they are a-changing" Bob Dylan sings. Well, the times really are changing for me. But no, it's not the time that's changing, it's me. The last three months have made me change a lot. If some of my friends say I've changed dramatically, I believe them. But I'm happy with that.

Right now I got this worst headache ever. I bet this is like a hangover, though I've never drunk any alcohol ever. Maybe I'm getting ill. What do I know. I just finished my written math exam. My hope and belief is that it went OK, or rather good. Now I'm boring.

The situation with my parents is awkward at the moment. I'm OK with my mother, she's survivable, and actually a pretty good person. My father on the other hand, is getting on my nerves. And when somebody is getting on my nerves, I get pissed off. And I act like an idiot. That'll just be for now.

I'm thinking about therapy again. It's not like we ever finished it off and got to the end of it, good or bad. We just had to separate because of him quitting his job. But that's so. Still, I wish I could actually get down to it and really understand myself. I have a lot of questions, and a lot of confusion. But at the time being, without seeing anyone about it, I can't get over it.

Now as I've told my mother that I talked to this psychologist for half a year, I can possibly ask her if I feel the need to talk to somebody again. But I don't know if I've got "big enough" problems. We can't call us ill for anything. No, I don't know.

Sorry this isn't much of a smart-ass post or anything, but I needed to add something here. Just what I feel. To be honest, this blog has been filled with a whole lot of shit from it's beginning. But that's so. I'm the chief. You can't do anything about it, as long as you don't hack me. Go on, it's not that much to find.


How To Save A Life - The Fray

Not my kind of music, but it reflects my life at the moment. I might've lost a friend. Might've. I don't know what will come. But I guess it was because I've changed. I could change back, but that's not the person I want to be. Today's me is way closer to my heart than the me I've been acting like the past couple of years.

Tomorrow will show.

What To Tell The Psychologist Tomorrow

Now, here's my list. Totally just for my own randomness, but if you tag along, you do so. I just can't find anywhere else to write at the moment.

What I should tell the psych tomorrow:
My relationship with my father and grandparents sucks. I can't see how it's going to improve, and I have no idea what to do with it. Right now the only thing I can look at as an option, is to completely shut down my relationship with them. Not talk to them, not involving in their business. And, most importantly, not let them disturb my life.

I feel horrible sometimes. This one has to do with the first one, but it's really an issue in itself. When I'm around my father, grandfather and grandmother, I feel horrible. I end up thinking thoughts I really shouldn't think, and those thoughts could really scare the bravest. It's ruining me sometimes, and I can walk for days thinking solely about this case. It's not helping them either, I guess. Even though they try to change my feelings for them, it's really not working. Maybe, I don't know, but maybe they're really touched by this too. But it's not helping me, no matter what. Still, I don't want to "bring them down with me". Am I thinking weird?

I should confess. I should confess I was suicidal. Does it really matter? Yes, I guess it does. So I want to get done with it. Let it go, let it flow.

I wish I was done with it all. Maybe this will be the last time. I can't be at his forever. I got to live my own life, and learn how to deal with things happening. Become free.

Maybe it isn't freedom. Maybe it is. I can't know that for now. Neither can I choose what it is, ending this thing. But I really hope it's freedom knocking on my door when I say "goodbye" for the last time. Wish me luck on becoming free. I'll probably need it...

Why am I chasing freedom and solitude? Why do I feel captured?

If Caring Was Easy

Have I ever said I got weird feelings? Bet you I have. But they are. Or I can't understand them. Something like that.

I've been almost half a year in therapy now. It helps, thankfully. But I wish I could just be done. Like, it's not supposed to be like my allergies, who won't ever go away. It's feelings, and they change. But apparently they won't really change it to the good.

Yes, I'm feeling a lot better. A lot. But sometimes I just end in my same bad habits, with my same old thoughts. Maybe it's how it's supposed to be, with "hormones, with you get at this age" making the thing. I don't know, really. But I think there's still something there.

For me to hate somebody or something is quite a big deal. I think I hate him. That's what his doings, feelings and way of being has caused him; Me hating my grandfather. And it's not like my relationship with my father is so much better, really. But I don't really get it. Or... How can something I don't even care for them to know make me so unhappy? It's ruining our relationship, and I don't even get why.

As of this I've been thinking: How can I possibly make my relationship with them any better? No, at the time being I'm not able to move out. And I'm not able to cut my contact with them either at the moment. And when it has come this far, I can't see any other solution than to do so. Maybe I'm too close to the problem to see it... If you got any suggestions, feel free to pass them on.

When I question them, I have to question myself. Am I making this problem? Probably yes, but they're not exactly helping on the situation either. Maybe I'm overthinking this little thing? It's not like it's lifechanging for them, I guess. It is for me, though. My chances of ending up pregnant on a party has been dramatically changed. To me that's good. But facing discrimination and hate because of who I am, that's not what you can call positive.

I'm making it bigger than it is, am I not? Why should my sexuality be such a big problem for them? It's on my shoulders, and it's me who got to deal with it, not them. I don't get why I even care...

Why do I care?

I'm Scared. For Real.

On Thursday I got a note from my homeroom teacher. I'm up to a parent meeting. And what stroke to me, even though I knew it would come some day? NOOOO!

The reason I'm not very happy having a parent meeting isn't that I'm such a bad girl. I do well in school, I've never beat up anyone, and I just argue a bit with my teachers. The reason is that I last week wrote a short story at school (kind of like an exam). And it wasn't about planning any terror attack, but about a woman and her becoming wife.

"Jeez, it's just about a gay woman, who cares?" you might say. Well, it's not nothing. First of all, my dad's very conservative. For the second, I'm pretty sure nobody in Norway would ever write about that not being gay themselves, and that will lead my teacher to believe I'm gay. As I am. But the whole thing is that if she ever even hints about that to Dad, who's the one coming, I'll be dead.

No, I'm not scared what my teacher will think or say, but if she ever mentions anything near me being something he doesn't want me to be, life won't be easy the upcoming months.

Gosh, I feel dead already. Just please let it be, I beg you!

If you want to read my story, check out my other site where I post many of much of my written work: http://sunnys-texts.blogspot.com/ (You probably have to scroll a bit down, but it's there, called "The Torpedo Hirer"