Have I ever said I got weird feelings? Bet you I have. But they are. Or I can't understand them. Something like that.
I've been almost half a year in therapy now. It helps, thankfully. But I wish I could just be done. Like, it's not supposed to be like my allergies, who won't ever go away. It's feelings, and they change. But apparently they won't really change it to the good.
Yes, I'm feeling a lot better. A lot. But sometimes I just end in my same bad habits, with my same old thoughts. Maybe it's how it's supposed to be, with "hormones, with you get at this age" making the thing. I don't know, really. But I think there's still something there.
For me to hate somebody or something is quite a big deal. I think I hate him. That's what his doings, feelings and way of being has caused him; Me hating my grandfather. And it's not like my relationship with my father is so much better, really. But I don't really get it. Or... How can something I don't even care for them to know make me so unhappy? It's ruining our relationship, and I don't even get why.
As of this I've been thinking: How can I possibly make my relationship with them any better? No, at the time being I'm not able to move out. And I'm not able to cut my contact with them either at the moment. And when it has come this far, I can't see any other solution than to do so. Maybe I'm too close to the problem to see it... If you got any suggestions, feel free to pass them on.
When I question them, I have to question myself. Am I making this problem? Probably yes, but they're not exactly helping on the situation either. Maybe I'm overthinking this little thing? It's not like it's lifechanging for them, I guess. It is for me, though. My chances of ending up pregnant on a party has been dramatically changed. To me that's good. But facing discrimination and hate because of who I am, that's not what you can call positive.
I'm making it bigger than it is, am I not? Why should my sexuality be such a big problem for them? It's on my shoulders, and it's me who got to deal with it, not them. I don't get why I even care...
Why do I care?
Showing posts with label gramp. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gramp. Show all posts
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
It's Over
Now it's finally really over. The only family members within the radius of one mile right now are my mother and my brother. Usually I don't tend to thank any god for that, but now I certainly am. I now have gotten a minute of freedom, a minute of peace. It probably won't last for too long, but whatever. I don't care. It's the small victories that makes the big one.
When I think about it, it's kind of odd I got through this Christmas at all. As if I didn't have about a million thoughts running through my head, I also had to cope with my family. This Christmas my mother, my brother and I visited my mother's parents. And because they live quite far away, we had to stay with them the whole Christmas. It's not bad being where they live or anything, it's just the people I can't cope with 24/7. But I stayed through.
No, I'm not going to go down in every little detail explaining why everything is wrong this time, because if you've read previous posts, you'll totally know what's making the picture blurry. Instead I'll write something halfway positive. Because this Christmas, the Christmas of 2009, I managed to not come out. I kept on, doing my best to control my feelings, and didn't say a thing. And that's a good thing. At least for me, at this time.
I was scared when the holidays started. "What if I say something wrong?" was a thought running through my head, "What if I miss a word that shouldn't ever be mentioned?" I was scared to hell. As if I wasn't there already. The whole two weeks every single muscle in my body was tightened. I kept thinking, day and night, on that moment that could come. If I ever said anything wrong, I could end up in the cold, all alone.
The days went by. I managed to control myself. No, I couldn't relax, but I kept on going. I woke up, walked, took a breath. And thankfully the days passed. For a whole two weeks I managed to be there, with them. And now it's finally over. Thank a god.
That was my Christmas of 2009. Now I've got to feel for myself how it is suffering in the holidays. And I certainly know why the helplines get so many calls around Christmas. A lesson I would gladly be without, but now I know. It's a lesson of life.
Don't walk my shoes.
If you, for whatever matter, want to know more about my family, just click the tags "family", "grandpa", "grandfather", or "grandparents" and read. There's whatever I've written about them, and you might then get what I mean when I tell you how Christmas was for me.
Enjoy reading.
When I think about it, it's kind of odd I got through this Christmas at all. As if I didn't have about a million thoughts running through my head, I also had to cope with my family. This Christmas my mother, my brother and I visited my mother's parents. And because they live quite far away, we had to stay with them the whole Christmas. It's not bad being where they live or anything, it's just the people I can't cope with 24/7. But I stayed through.
No, I'm not going to go down in every little detail explaining why everything is wrong this time, because if you've read previous posts, you'll totally know what's making the picture blurry. Instead I'll write something halfway positive. Because this Christmas, the Christmas of 2009, I managed to not come out. I kept on, doing my best to control my feelings, and didn't say a thing. And that's a good thing. At least for me, at this time.
I was scared when the holidays started. "What if I say something wrong?" was a thought running through my head, "What if I miss a word that shouldn't ever be mentioned?" I was scared to hell. As if I wasn't there already. The whole two weeks every single muscle in my body was tightened. I kept thinking, day and night, on that moment that could come. If I ever said anything wrong, I could end up in the cold, all alone.
The days went by. I managed to control myself. No, I couldn't relax, but I kept on going. I woke up, walked, took a breath. And thankfully the days passed. For a whole two weeks I managed to be there, with them. And now it's finally over. Thank a god.
That was my Christmas of 2009. Now I've got to feel for myself how it is suffering in the holidays. And I certainly know why the helplines get so many calls around Christmas. A lesson I would gladly be without, but now I know. It's a lesson of life.
Don't walk my shoes.
If you, for whatever matter, want to know more about my family, just click the tags "family", "grandpa", "grandfather", or "grandparents" and read. There's whatever I've written about them, and you might then get what I mean when I tell you how Christmas was for me.
Enjoy reading.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Waiting
This Christmas won't be as it used to be. For sure.
I wish I could run around the house singing "I'm Coming Out" with Diana Ross. I wish I could say "Damn, she's hot!" whenever I want. I wish I could talk about all the awesome people I've met at the gay youth club in the city. But I can't. Because my grandfather is a freaking priest!
This sucks. This Christmas sucks. I'm stuck with my conservative Christian family on the other side of the country, far away from my friends. Every day I have to think carefully through everything I'm to say, write or do. Even what I am to think. No matter what is happening, I have to keep myself from saying anything wrong.
I've never been to prison. My knowledge about being in prison is equal to zero. That's why I can't say that this is like prison, for sure. But I've got fantasy. And my fantasy tells me that prison is like being trapped, both physically and mentally. Claustrophobic, and no way to escape, no matter how much you try. It's just to wait until it's all over. If that is how prison is, I feel like I'm in prison right now. And it sucks. But all I can do is to wait for it to go over.
Someday it's all over, right? That little hope for it to end some day, that's what's keeping me up. But for how long?
I wish I could run around the house singing "I'm Coming Out" with Diana Ross. I wish I could say "Damn, she's hot!" whenever I want. I wish I could talk about all the awesome people I've met at the gay youth club in the city. But I can't. Because my grandfather is a freaking priest!
This sucks. This Christmas sucks. I'm stuck with my conservative Christian family on the other side of the country, far away from my friends. Every day I have to think carefully through everything I'm to say, write or do. Even what I am to think. No matter what is happening, I have to keep myself from saying anything wrong.
I've never been to prison. My knowledge about being in prison is equal to zero. That's why I can't say that this is like prison, for sure. But I've got fantasy. And my fantasy tells me that prison is like being trapped, both physically and mentally. Claustrophobic, and no way to escape, no matter how much you try. It's just to wait until it's all over. If that is how prison is, I feel like I'm in prison right now. And it sucks. But all I can do is to wait for it to go over.
Someday it's all over, right? That little hope for it to end some day, that's what's keeping me up. But for how long?
Monday, December 21, 2009
Christmas News Letter
Tomorrow is December 22nd. Which means that (if everything goes as planned) I'll be at my grandparents within 24 hours. And because I for some reason am scared to death, I now can't sleep. Not so "yaygay"...
I've been thinking about this Christmas and what I think will happen for way too long now. To be honest, I really don't want to sit in my mother's car tomorrow for a whole day thinking about Christmas and my family (and the combination of those). Believe it or not, but I think sitting in front of a web cam on the other side of the globe saying "Hi!" through Skype would be more pleasant than this. Of course, I can't predict the future. Maybe there won't be any conflicts between me and everyone else. Still, my head will be too close exploding.
The thing I'm most scared of is that I'll accidentally say something I should've kept for myself. "What if they ever find out?" is a thought I'm almost too scared to think. Still, almost every day I feel a want to just scream it out loud to everyone. Release the pressure on my shoulders to be as stereotypical straight as possible, so I won't ruin both my parents' and my life because I'm not acting "normal". Today I've given up being normal, because I know it isn't possible, but I still feel I do something wrong every single day I don't wear make-up. And when I stare too long at a hot girl on the street and am about to say "Damn, she's hot!", I break off a piece of my heart.
Grandpa has it as a tradition to write a Christmas news letter every Christmas. Then he puts a lot of focus on his grandchildren, also known as my cousins, my brother and I. This year's letter was just e-mailed from him to me; A one-page, nicely done letter where he's made a short summary of this year, now only with two and a half weeks left. And it hurts. Of course he had to mention my confirmation. Did he last year? No. But he did this year. Nothing big or anything, but just the fact that he even mentioned it hurts. He shouldn't have been a part of it. It just hurts, no matter how weird it sounds.
If I come out this Christmas... Will he mention it? If I marry a woman one day, before he passes away, will he mention it? "This summer Sunniva and 'Katelyn' had a wonderful wedding at the beach in sunny California." Really realistic, girl...
He'll abandon me. Just as my grandmother, my father, my mother (because of my grandparents (or she'll be abandoned with me)), and a bunch of my friends. No, I can't predict the future. But being afraid of your own family and your family's plausible actions is really not good.
I'm sorry this is so long, negative and over-sharing. And I totally have to bring this to the psych. Whatever. I need strengthen right now, through sleep. Lack of sleep makes the best of us a bit sad, or what? I don't know.
I've been thinking about this Christmas and what I think will happen for way too long now. To be honest, I really don't want to sit in my mother's car tomorrow for a whole day thinking about Christmas and my family (and the combination of those). Believe it or not, but I think sitting in front of a web cam on the other side of the globe saying "Hi!" through Skype would be more pleasant than this. Of course, I can't predict the future. Maybe there won't be any conflicts between me and everyone else. Still, my head will be too close exploding.
The thing I'm most scared of is that I'll accidentally say something I should've kept for myself. "What if they ever find out?" is a thought I'm almost too scared to think. Still, almost every day I feel a want to just scream it out loud to everyone. Release the pressure on my shoulders to be as stereotypical straight as possible, so I won't ruin both my parents' and my life because I'm not acting "normal". Today I've given up being normal, because I know it isn't possible, but I still feel I do something wrong every single day I don't wear make-up. And when I stare too long at a hot girl on the street and am about to say "Damn, she's hot!", I break off a piece of my heart.
Grandpa has it as a tradition to write a Christmas news letter every Christmas. Then he puts a lot of focus on his grandchildren, also known as my cousins, my brother and I. This year's letter was just e-mailed from him to me; A one-page, nicely done letter where he's made a short summary of this year, now only with two and a half weeks left. And it hurts. Of course he had to mention my confirmation. Did he last year? No. But he did this year. Nothing big or anything, but just the fact that he even mentioned it hurts. He shouldn't have been a part of it. It just hurts, no matter how weird it sounds.
If I come out this Christmas... Will he mention it? If I marry a woman one day, before he passes away, will he mention it? "This summer Sunniva and 'Katelyn' had a wonderful wedding at the beach in sunny California." Really realistic, girl...
He'll abandon me. Just as my grandmother, my father, my mother (because of my grandparents (or she'll be abandoned with me)), and a bunch of my friends. No, I can't predict the future. But being afraid of your own family and your family's plausible actions is really not good.
I'm sorry this is so long, negative and over-sharing. And I totally have to bring this to the psych. Whatever. I need strengthen right now, through sleep. Lack of sleep makes the best of us a bit sad, or what? I don't know.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Relaxing Techniques
Now, take a breath. Relax. Shoulders down, smile with both mouth and eyes. Don't talk too fast. And no hateful comments.
I think I might write this down on post-it's all over my room before Friday so I won't ever forget. Because relaxing methods are important when you're about to spend 72 hours with half of your family surrounded. Especially when you two weeks ago told your mother that you don't think your grandfather deserves your love and caring. At all.
This is a time I'm very glad I get to talk about my problems with a psych that doesn't know me. And when I think about that I have to spend the whole holidays with my grandfather and the rest of my mother's family, I just want to hide under a blanket and stay there. I just don't like them. They've poisoned my life.
Why they're so bad? Because they can't see nor understand that I'm not a Christian. Not so complicated, after all. Or, they do it complicated. Ruining it all. And no, I don't hold anything bad against Christianity. I know a lot of wonderful people that happen to believe in God and Jesus. And I respect my friends, whatever their beliefs, as well as they respect me. So why can't my family just respect me and love me for who I am?
I've asked myself that last question a lot of times. I can't find any good answer, though. So now I've ended up with a "whatever"-attitude. Whatever. I don't care whether they love and respect me or not anymore. But I do care about what they say to me and what they act like. If they act like idiots, I care. I get angry.
So now I'm angry. And confused. But that be. At least I have two great cousins. So I'm going to enjoy next weekend to the fullest with my loving, respecting and fantastic cousins, trying to not get too angry and bitchy around the rest of them.
Take a deep breath.
I think I might write this down on post-it's all over my room before Friday so I won't ever forget. Because relaxing methods are important when you're about to spend 72 hours with half of your family surrounded. Especially when you two weeks ago told your mother that you don't think your grandfather deserves your love and caring. At all.
This is a time I'm very glad I get to talk about my problems with a psych that doesn't know me. And when I think about that I have to spend the whole holidays with my grandfather and the rest of my mother's family, I just want to hide under a blanket and stay there. I just don't like them. They've poisoned my life.
Why they're so bad? Because they can't see nor understand that I'm not a Christian. Not so complicated, after all. Or, they do it complicated. Ruining it all. And no, I don't hold anything bad against Christianity. I know a lot of wonderful people that happen to believe in God and Jesus. And I respect my friends, whatever their beliefs, as well as they respect me. So why can't my family just respect me and love me for who I am?
I've asked myself that last question a lot of times. I can't find any good answer, though. So now I've ended up with a "whatever"-attitude. Whatever. I don't care whether they love and respect me or not anymore. But I do care about what they say to me and what they act like. If they act like idiots, I care. I get angry.
So now I'm angry. And confused. But that be. At least I have two great cousins. So I'm going to enjoy next weekend to the fullest with my loving, respecting and fantastic cousins, trying to not get too angry and bitchy around the rest of them.
Take a deep breath.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Yes, I Am Complaining
So yeah... My grandparents are here coming from the other side of the country because Mom left my brother and I three weeks ago for some conference and Dad and his wife went to Naxos, Greece this Friday. And I truly wish they didn't come.
I've said some words about my grandparents. They're quite right wings and (not so) mildly conservative, quite opposite of me, which has caused some problems concerning my relationship with them. That definitely sucks, but on the other hand, I can't get away from that I love discussions.
Even though, them being here with me the whole weekend has been challenging. I don't know what's up with them, but I suspect Grandma trying to make everything good again (from what they did when I was having my confirmation). And Grandpa is just acting as nothing's changed. My dreams...
Speaking honest: I know I can be quite harsh with people sometimes, but it's just because I want to challenge the way people look at each other and the rest of the world. I (usually) don't mean anything bad about it. But with my grandparents... I can't deny I'm still a bit mad at them. But if you ask me they haven't done anything trying to make everything good again, so I think I should be allowed to show my feelings for once.
The only thing I want is an apology. Which I probably will never get. And now they're making my weekend worse than it has to be. I don't appreciate it. If you don't like who I am, stay out of my life! I just want to be happy.
I'm angry at them. That's just how it is. Fin.
I've said some words about my grandparents. They're quite right wings and (not so) mildly conservative, quite opposite of me, which has caused some problems concerning my relationship with them. That definitely sucks, but on the other hand, I can't get away from that I love discussions.
Even though, them being here with me the whole weekend has been challenging. I don't know what's up with them, but I suspect Grandma trying to make everything good again (from what they did when I was having my confirmation). And Grandpa is just acting as nothing's changed. My dreams...
Speaking honest: I know I can be quite harsh with people sometimes, but it's just because I want to challenge the way people look at each other and the rest of the world. I (usually) don't mean anything bad about it. But with my grandparents... I can't deny I'm still a bit mad at them. But if you ask me they haven't done anything trying to make everything good again, so I think I should be allowed to show my feelings for once.
The only thing I want is an apology. Which I probably will never get. And now they're making my weekend worse than it has to be. I don't appreciate it. If you don't like who I am, stay out of my life! I just want to be happy.
I'm angry at them. That's just how it is. Fin.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Bible Says
OK, so I finally told someone that I'm gay. Or, I added her on Twitter, and she found my blog. Which, I believe, might have been quite a shock. I don't know, because I kind of haven't got the guts to talk about it face to face with her. But we'll see, and now she might even read this (which scares me to hell).
Well, me on my way out of the closet isn't that exciting to read about (if any of my thoughts are), but my thoughts about religion and parts of my biological family. Because several persons in my family disagree the way I've chosen within religion.
To understand the whole thing there's some things necessary to know about my family:
* My grandfather was a minister, and even though he used to be preaching in a Protestant church he's doing a good time being Catholic in mind and soul.
* Dad's against abortion, gay rights and researching on stem cells, and a "true Christian."
* There's several others that's more than "a bit" Christian as well, but using a day writing about them ain't worth it.
Anyway, in Norway most of the 15-year-olds "confirm" their faith to God. There's thankfully other options as well, without the Christianity part. So I chose one of those options, against my family's will. Still I got it through. Well, after several weeks learning about religion, love, respect and so on, there was a celebration to celebrate me becoming an adult. Almost everyone in the family came, people held speeches for me and so.
Gramp have been going against it all the way (and he's probably praying for me getting "cured" as well), but I didn't care. In the party he held a speech, pointing out all the Christianity around me and so on. And he gave me a bible. Seriously? When I've tried for months saying I'm an Agnostic, he's giving me a bible!
The sad thing was that he kind of ruined my day. I was about to cry when he gave me it. But that's how it goes.
Well, me on my way out of the closet isn't that exciting to read about (if any of my thoughts are), but my thoughts about religion and parts of my biological family. Because several persons in my family disagree the way I've chosen within religion.
To understand the whole thing there's some things necessary to know about my family:
* My grandfather was a minister, and even though he used to be preaching in a Protestant church he's doing a good time being Catholic in mind and soul.
* Dad's against abortion, gay rights and researching on stem cells, and a "true Christian."
* There's several others that's more than "a bit" Christian as well, but using a day writing about them ain't worth it.
Anyway, in Norway most of the 15-year-olds "confirm" their faith to God. There's thankfully other options as well, without the Christianity part. So I chose one of those options, against my family's will. Still I got it through. Well, after several weeks learning about religion, love, respect and so on, there was a celebration to celebrate me becoming an adult. Almost everyone in the family came, people held speeches for me and so.
Gramp have been going against it all the way (and he's probably praying for me getting "cured" as well), but I didn't care. In the party he held a speech, pointing out all the Christianity around me and so on. And he gave me a bible. Seriously? When I've tried for months saying I'm an Agnostic, he's giving me a bible!
The sad thing was that he kind of ruined my day. I was about to cry when he gave me it. But that's how it goes.
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