Teardrops falling on my head

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do


http://xxxsimone.tumblr.com/


Right now I'm listening to Morning Bell/Amnesiac by Radiohead. There's this... Wooden drum, or maybe a bass guitar. In the far background. It sounds like heartbeat. If my heart would beat that ordinary, I would be amazed.

I carry a lot of shit. A lot of baggage. For some reason. There is a reason, of course. But it's a curse, so don't tell anyone. I still try to cry sometimes. It isn't very efficient, I can trust you. Maybe I'm only able to cry when there's somebody around? Actually, I can fake to cry. But I can't gather my mind and lose a tear or two.

I. Am. Happy. Did you know that? Fuck, now it seems as if I believe everybody reading this is stupidity himself. I'm sorry. But I am happy. At least when the world is somewhat good. I think I like being happy. It's somewhat comforting. But who cares for me now? I can't seek attention by being happy all the time. Or, I can get attention, but... You don't get that feeling when others feel sorry for you. I'm not even sure if I like that feeling. But I kinda miss being depressed. Bad sign?

Oh, what crap I've been writing down for the past two years. Scenario after scenario... Which none of then ever happened. Maybe for the good, though.

I'm messaging with this girl. She's really cool! And we actually have things in common (you didn't see that one coming, did you?). It feels good to have that. I think I'll call it friendship. You don't have to physically meet a person to be friends, right? No. She's a good person.

Every day is a day, no matter what. No matter what. I want to write a movie script.

I Can't Breathe

Right now I'm hyperventilating. Because I'm scared. Which makes me hyperventilate even more. Fuck dogs.

That's right, I was scared by a dog. You know what? I'm freakin' scared of everything. And I hate it. I can breathe now.

Animals scare me in general. Whenever I'm at my great grandma's, there's this cat wandering around. And at a sudden, in the middle of the dinner, I feel something smoothly swipe my left leg. Slowly... And there you have me, terrified. Dogs are even worse. I scream loud, and don't know where the hell I'm supposed to put myself. Yes, I'm afraid of heights. But animals are different. They're not scary, they're deathly frightening. So I start crying.

Through the past year or so I've been "developing" my asthma. It's getting real bad nowadays, and I've started on regular medication. Mainly because I'm coughing like I've got lung cancer, but my doc thinks it's asthma (I don't disagree at all) causing it. So now I have to inhale weird powder that might give me fungus in my throat (!) if I use it wrong. Welcome to my life.

What is bad with asthma, is that whenever I'm scared, or just working out, I start hyperventilating. I need loads of oxygen, but my lungs find that hard to do. For some fucking reason. And I can't breathe. Then I get even more scared. Fucko, fucko, fucko. Yeah, today I feel sorry for myself.

What am I really scared of? I don't know. Nothing. Everything. Myself. Or those around. I try to live a "normal" life, but I just feel weird. Maybe my friends don't like that I'm gay? Do they have a problem with it? It's weird, isn't it, that a girl wants to be friends with other girls that are straight? Maybe she likes me? Maybe she wants to turn me straight?

Yeah, I think I'll try starting to talk with somebody again after the summer holidays. I'm sad. For no reason. Sounds familiar, Sunny? Kind of, yes... Fuck. This ain't fanfabulous. This is life. And it sucks. I need to talk to somebody.

This post's been containing too many swears. That's probably not good. I thought everything was OK. Fuck. My father's cutting the grass. Again. I hate allergies. I hate medicine. I hate it. Ex-psychologist: This was my fifteen minutes of sadness for today.

Feelings. Weird Feelings.

Note: I don't care whatever the time is. This is life.

OK. This has been a day. A freakin' weird day. Or, not really actually, it's been more amazing. Because guess what, I said it! I freakin' said it! "I'm a lesbian" came out of my mouth today. And not to a total stranger over the phone, but to people in real life.

I haven't written it yet (or I might've spammed those of you who're on Twitter with it), but I managed to say "I'm a lesbian" to this Monday. Over the phone to a lady in Oslo. OK, I could've called a helpline or something. But that was definitely not what was happening. Because I called in to the host of a youth radio show. And then I went on air. Saying I am a lesbian.

How freakin' amazing ain't that?! It sounds really weird, I'm totally aware, but I still see it as a tremendous step for me to be able to say that word. Monday February 15th 2010 is the date I came to acknowledge myself, and to be true. Because that's the date when I really came out to myself.

Now, that's not what happened today. This is six days after. But today I was finally able to come out to some of my friends. Me and some of my friends (including one of the two good friends who's actually reading this (Hi!)) gathered to watch a movie and just hang out, and after a few (also known as a million) talks about it, me and the friend who knows about this whole mess decided that today would be a day to come out to people. So I did! I don't know how, but I did.

After the movie was finished, my friend suggested that we should all talk about our crushes, just to make me more uncomfortable so I would actually come through with this. And I promise you, even before this she sent me a billion looks to make me start with this thing. But there we sat, and everybody told who they has/had a crush on, one by one. Then it got to be my turn.

"Ehm... I don't know..." I first tried. Then one of my friends thought me and a guy we met at project week had a really good connection, so she (of course) "accused" me of liking this guy. No good luck with that, though. Then, after discussing this way too much (not for a long time, though), I said: "There's something I want to tell you guys." Not too many listened way too carefully what I was saying (it's not like I'm shouting "I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" when it's about stuff like this), so my friend was just like "SHE WANNA TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING!" to get everyone's attention.

My lovely mind was just blank for a second, and then I tried going with "I'm...". And at last I said it. That last sentence sounds weird in my head, but whatever. I freakin' said it! So now I'm the lesbian in the bunch who can tell if a wannabe-cool-blogger is sexy or not. Works for me!

No, but really, it was a frightening experience. But I'm glad it's all over. Still, just imagining I'll have to do this for way too many times kind of bothers me. But you got to live with it. We all have our struggles. It's very scary though, to know that now there's way more people who knows who I really am. But now I can be more and more myself. And that I'm grateful.

It's a weird feeling.

I'm Tired = I Can't Feel

Warning: This is a "My life sucks" blog. Bare with me.

Yesterday... was a nightmare. Or, at least the evening was. The whole night I was walking around tired as hell. But the clock in my head says I can't just go to bed at 6PM, no matter how tired I am. So I didn't. But when the clock inside my brain told me it was time to sleep, I couldn't.

What I do when I can't sleep? Thinking about life and writing about it. So I did, but not here. To turn on the computer again wasn't that a good idea, so I wrote in my diary instead. But sharing as I am, I give you a summary here:

Sunday January 17 2010
Right now I don't feel anything. Or... I'm empty. I know for sure that I have thousands of feelings kept inside my head, but at the moment I can't find them. I was about to write that "it's so frustrating", but I can't really feel that either. I know I feel it somewhere deep inside, but knowing versus experiencing is so different.
I've read that some people, when in pain, lock out their feelings. That it's something the brain just does, so the person can keep on fighting.
People serving in conflict areas for the army is supposed to learn how to control what you feel and not, controlling the part of the brain that escape your feelings. But ex-servants still end up with post-traumatic stress...
No, feelings won't pass today.Wait; I think I'm feeling! I'm tired. That's what I feel. I'm freakin' tired.

That was my feelings of yesterday. No feelings and sleepiness.

Blah. I was tired as hell, but couldn't sleep. My head was (and still is) filled with thoughts and feelings, but I can't really feel the feelings. My brain stopped. Actually, it's still on "Stop". To hell with it. I'm sleeping now. It's half past 7 - believe it or not. Hour worth of sleeping.

No hard feelings. No feelings at all, to be more precisely.

To Write Or Not To Write

I thought about quitting. Maybe I shouldn't sit here in my room in front of the Mac complaining over my life for the whole world. Because to be honest, I'll have to say that the posts are getting more and more depressing and negative. But I'm really not sure...

Over my blog you can see a blue banner made by the Blogspot creators. There are some "Report this" and "Report that" links, and there's a "Next blog" button as well. Curious as I am, I had to push that to check it out. So I ended up at some random blog. And the only thing I could see was children. A lot of them.

I really don't have any specific thoughts on children more than that they're irritating. Way too many people love and adore children, but I don't. Why I have no idea, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that when I pushed "Next blog" again, there where more children. And after that, even more! Pictures of children between the age of zero and eight years spamming the blogs at Blogspot.com.

I'm making you dislike me because I don't really like children. No, but seriously. And what I could see (for as long as I could handle (aka just a couple of seconds)) in these spamming pictures of children way too young to be exposed on the Internet, was that they were all so happy. And there my message got through (I hope).

All that happiness... It did something to me. It made me feel; Look for my feelings. I don't feel that sense of joy and happiness (as if you didn't get that already). Why? I guess that's the reason I talk with a psychologist three to four times a month. But still.

And believe me, I actually read something of what was posted too. All the positive vibes you could read both in and between the lines made me think a second or two. So, I'm considering to end the blog. I'm not deleting it whatsoever, because it's like some sort of evidence (so that if I ever end up doing something wrong, I can blame my psyche and possibly get away with more counseling, and no jail time).

Why am I even writing anymore? At this point I know about two people I know and am friends with that reads my blog. Maybe I'm writing for you, guys? Because verbal communication isn't really my thing. Through this blog I can then better explain what's happening to me, without messing up the words.

Maybe I shouldn't write for you either. Because it's not that fun to read such negative stuff I end up writing. Especially not when you know me, and I'm a friend. Or, at least I believe that's how it is. I can't say how you feel, though. Feelings are made in our own brain, and to understand others' feelings is hard. No, I have no idea.

We'll see. There's no day like tomorrow. My words of wisdom for today.

Music Monday

Today is a day to drown in music. I'm going to listen to way too many songs, singing with and try to forget everything. Because music is like therapy for me.

So I was at my grandparents this weekend, celebrating my uncle's and my own birthday. It was an OK weekend with it's ups and downs, but whatever. It's to be forgotten. But I got a great gift though. I got a microphone! Like, to record music and stuff with. At least that's a plus for the weekend.

Anyway, today I'm rediscovering my music library. Some indie-pop, punk/rock and a (not too big) spoon of easy listening/soft pop will make my day. Because when you're listening to the music, you forget feeling. You forget living. Which is great! So now I'm gonna bounce around listening to some (for this soon-to-be 15-year-old) nice classics (and some new ones since I tend to easily move over to new songs).
High five for music!

Playlist:

Greenday - Holiday
Alejandro Fuentes - Tomorrow Only Knows
Bigband - Play Louder
DeLillos feat. Ida Maria - Flink
Lion King - The Lions Sleep Tonight
Empire Of The Sun - We Are The People
Kaizers Orchestra - Die Politzei
Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire
Superfamily - The Radio Has Expressed Concerns About What You Did Last Night

I'm a total music geek... Just let it pass, will you?

Psychoanalyzing On A Higher Level

This day is both a failure and an improvement. We had semester finals in English today, where we was to choose between 5 different tasks to write about. I (of course) chose the one where you should write about something challenging you in life at this time, and I wrote this text about me being depressed and going to a shrink. Great (read with irony)! Now it's just to wait for the feedback. It probably sucks. And I delivered myself out way too much. But that be. Take it as it comes. And relax. Right?

So the English was a major failure. And the psych...? Actually not that bad after all. But I got this tension, and because he has a degree in psychology, he definitely noticed. We mostly talked about this tension and anxiety I have, that I don't like to talk about this whole gay thing, and what could happen if I come out. It was as if I sat on needles the whole hour, and I kind of feel it still at this point, but it was OK. He's a decent guy.

Though, I told him today that I write this blog, and that I write in English in stead of Norwegian. He replied that a lot of people do so (writing in another language than their mother tongue), and said that this is because when you write in another language than you talk on a daily basis, everything becomes more distant. Which I kind of figured out already. But that be. Psychiatrists as parents does something with you... My brother and I are perfect examples on that.

At the end he asked me whether I want to take it slow and kind of just gently swipe what I don't like to talk about, or go more directly into it. He must have sensed that I probably need a push into it. Because it really ain't easy. So I said it was OK to take it a bit more direct. Since we today didn't talk anything about my sexual orientation today, though we both probably knew that we were, just without mention any words on it...

So next appointment Thursday next week. Which is more frequently than before. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but whatever. I'll try not to worry too much now. Take it as it comes. Though that project will probably fail.

Yes, and the psychoanalyzing thing... He psychoanalyzes me, and I psychoanalyze him back. That's OK, right? It makes it easier for me, at least, when I believe I understand what he's thinking. I might not, but that be.

So now I'm officially a crazy blogger, blogging about me, myself and my life. Not so interesting... But please don't judge.

Breaking Hearts

OK, now there is this guy in my class... Actually there are two. And I don't have a crush on them, but from what I've experienced and read about crushes and symptoms, I think they might have a crush. On me...

This is what too many girls strive for when they're 15, right? But for me... The only thing on my mind when thinking about this is "What is wrong with this?". And no, that was not a joke.

But clearing my feelings out of it all: What am I supposed to do? I don't want them. That's reality. And if I should ever switch teams... No, seriously, that will probably never happen. It's more likely that I end up in celibacy than that I'll find a man (with male genitalia) I feel a great attraction towards and want to marry. And I really don't think that will ever happen.

But OK, I don't want neither of them. Should I just throw it in their faces? "Sorry, I really don't like men. Or, in that way, you know..." So never gonna happen. And what if they ask me out? Maybe I'll end up messing up their brain or something. And pity-dating... That's just wrong, right?

I feel truly sorry for these guys... But what can you do? And as long as I don't date them, I guess I can't cause that much harm, right? Let's hope so. Both for me and them.

Am I a boys magnet? Because that sucks.

Yes, I Am Complaining

So yeah... My grandparents are here coming from the other side of the country because Mom left my brother and I three weeks ago for some conference and Dad and his wife went to Naxos, Greece this Friday. And I truly wish they didn't come.

I've said some words about my grandparents. They're quite right wings and (not so) mildly conservative, quite opposite of me, which has caused some problems concerning my relationship with them. That definitely sucks, but on the other hand, I can't get away from that I love discussions.

Even though, them being here with me the whole weekend has been challenging. I don't know what's up with them, but I suspect Grandma trying to make everything good again (from what they did when I was having my confirmation). And Grandpa is just acting as nothing's changed. My dreams...

Speaking honest: I know I can be quite harsh with people sometimes, but it's just because I want to challenge the way people look at each other and the rest of the world. I (usually) don't mean anything bad about it. But with my grandparents... I can't deny I'm still a bit mad at them. But if you ask me they haven't done anything trying to make everything good again, so I think I should be allowed to show my feelings for once.

The only thing I want is an apology. Which I probably will never get. And now they're making my weekend worse than it has to be. I don't appreciate it. If you don't like who I am, stay out of my life! I just want to be happy.

I'm angry at them. That's just how it is. Fin.

Day To Day

It's been a while since I last posted something about myself right now and what's happening in my life, so I thought "Why not?". Here you go:

School started August 17th. It was just back to do the ordinary stuff with the ordinary people. Or almost. A great teacher, whom I trusted, switched to another class, which sucks. So it's not as easy to talk to her anymore, and she's one of the few I can trust. Now I probably have to do it all myself (damn it).

The thing I have to do is to talk, like really talk, to someone. Someone who can get me out of this darkness. Which means I got to increase my courage up to a level that makes me able to talk about this stuff. And go talk with somebody.

Everything is so much easier inside my head. If I actually could talk about my feelings, I wouldn't be held back with everything today. But I'm too scared.

The plan is to go and talk with the nurse. But a) I don't want to skip class, and b) I can't even knock on that (excuse my language) fucking door. So I have no idea what to do. Except psychoanalyzing myself. Which is scary, and not really working.

Session done for today. Mark in protocol: Never ever become a shrink, marry another one and have children. It's just not a good idea.