Emotionally Crazy Ride Or Something

OK. Now breathe.

Yesterday I was talking with the nurse again. Alone. And I'm... Well, I think it's hard to talk about the whole gay issue (because it is now) in Norwegian. The words seem wrong, nothing really fit with my thoughts, and everything's just wrong. Which sucks. Big time. And I have no idea what to do.

So we talked for about 45 min (which is crazy long). Discussing everything, I guess. But it was like I didn't knew what to say because I didn't quite knew how I feel at the moment. So I kind of ended up pulling out a lot of shit, and blah... This is probably the first time I'm not quite sure how to express myself at all; The language(s), the words, the meanings, the feelings. Nothing's working right now concerning words. Not even written.

But still: I definitely see that I'm happier now than two weeks ago. So even though my thoughts are going crazy in my head, I've talked about it. And I see that writing can help, but talking in general can help more. Because for me it's way more personal to say something than writing something (even though I put my soul into my writing).

What scares me the most is if the nurse doesn't take me seriously (but I think she does). No, I have no idea what she can really do to help me. I don't see any solution. But somehow it is helping. Just getting everything out.

What is bad about this talking thing (except the fact that I'm lost in the world of words) is that I don't really know why I ended up at the nurse's office in the first place. No, I'm not happy with my life. I don't like to be gay. I'm scared. But is that the key to happiness? To not be scared anymore? To fully accept the fact that I'm gay? Will I see the good sides of life then? Or is it something else?

There might be something else. I've had some struggles in my life. But who hasn't? Why am I the sad girl, not someone else? Why am I in the emotional cellar?

All I want is to find out what's going on. Yes, I have been psychoanalyzing myself quite a few times (social heritage, don't blame me), but I can't find the root to this mess.

Blah. Self-psychoanalyzing sucks. Especially when it's me about me. Any idea what to do? What to say? I guess she thinks (or that's what my friend and I told her) it's all about the gay thing. Honestly, I don't know.

Anyway, she talked about sending me to this guy named Fredrik. I think he's a shrink or something. Psychologist. Can I say I hope she does? Because I do.

As said before: Shrinks and psychologists should not have kids. Or at least not with each other. Because they're crazy.

Courage

Finally! I finally went to the school nurse, and now I'm going to talk to her about it. Which is terribly frightening...

For a long time my goal has been to go and talk with the school nurse about the whole sexuality issue and my family and stuff. Half a million times I've said to myself: "This is the day." But nothing ever happened (except that time in June, which didn't lead to anything anyway), summer holiday came and went, and at a sudden my teacher wasn't my teacher anymore. So I couldn't tell her at one of the student/teacher meetings, which is probably the one way I would be able to tell her anything (since I'm such a coward).

Even though, this Tuesday I was thinking it all over once again. So I decided to go for it, and sent a text message to a good friend of mine (who was the only one I could possibly get with me, since I haven't told anyone else) where I asked if she was in for it.

Next day I walked around nervous all morning thinking about when to go. I (believe it or not) tend to not skip classes, but now I had to. So before last class I asked my friend if we could go now, and then we did. Now I'm so glad I didn't try to go alone, because I really couldn't speak. At all...

But now it's OK, and I'm happier than I have been for a long time. Next Wednesday I'm going to talk with her again. I really hope I get words for it all, because I definitely got problems speaking about this. But I think it will get better.

Note: Somehow my writing style has changed dramatically. I don't know how, but it just did. Hopefully I'll be "back to normal" concerning my writing soon. Time will show.

Day To Day

It's been a while since I last posted something about myself right now and what's happening in my life, so I thought "Why not?". Here you go:

School started August 17th. It was just back to do the ordinary stuff with the ordinary people. Or almost. A great teacher, whom I trusted, switched to another class, which sucks. So it's not as easy to talk to her anymore, and she's one of the few I can trust. Now I probably have to do it all myself (damn it).

The thing I have to do is to talk, like really talk, to someone. Someone who can get me out of this darkness. Which means I got to increase my courage up to a level that makes me able to talk about this stuff. And go talk with somebody.

Everything is so much easier inside my head. If I actually could talk about my feelings, I wouldn't be held back with everything today. But I'm too scared.

The plan is to go and talk with the nurse. But a) I don't want to skip class, and b) I can't even knock on that (excuse my language) fucking door. So I have no idea what to do. Except psychoanalyzing myself. Which is scary, and not really working.

Session done for today. Mark in protocol: Never ever become a shrink, marry another one and have children. It's just not a good idea.

Always Look At Bright Side Of Life

Yes, I think it's pretty important to look at the bright side, but sometimes you have to deal with the bad things as well. It's not good to store the bad feelings, but talk about the things bothering and get over with it. I tried to deal with the bad stuff yesterday, but it didn't work out like I wanted:

I've talked about talking with someone with a good friend of mine (because she's the only one who knows) and we figured out I should ask my teacher about going to the nurse. (In the beginning the plan was to tell her everything, but my teacher is a little bit intimidating, so we figured out just to go for the nurse thing.)
I finally talked to her, but that was like 2 1/2 week before summer break. My teacher couldn't get the nurse on the phone, so she said if it "was in a hurry" I could just go downstairs to her office at the 10th.
So I did go to her office in the lunch break (me halfway dragging my friend, she halfway dragging me), but no one opened the door. Then I pretty much gave up, even though I probably should have skipped class and go down to her (but we're working on a school play, so it wasn't the best time doing it).

Looking at the bright side I did talk to my teacher (I'm so shy that it's quite unbelievable that I actually did), and I'll try again after the summer holidays.

And that song is so awesome!