I know you people don't see me often, but whatever. I got a life. Impressed? So yeah. I'm sorry, I don't want to be mad at you. I just want to be mad at someone. Do you know who's stupid? My father. He's kinda a dickhead. And as I'm way too gay, I'm allergic to dickheads. Is me+father=good then true? Didn't think so either.
Sometimes my father just gets on my nerve. He can be so arrogant, and I bet he believes he's just the good the world needs. Mind you, I know how stupid this sounds like. Everybody hates their parents sometimes. But when you go angry to bed for the fourth time this week, there's something wrong. It can't be right at least. He does deserve my harsh words to come.
OK, what is really wrong with him? Well, he believes he's this superb environmentally friendly person. Which he's not. The only reason he can find for actually dividing the trash into paper, plastic, food and waste is because of his wife, who for some reason actually cares. Maybe she just wants to be a "good" person. But whatever. My stepmother is cool enough, at least sometimes. She's not worth caring that much about, at least not right now. Anyways, why does my father even try to care about the environment? Except that his wife might think he's more sexy while throwing the paper into the paper basket, he's got no reason. Maybe he wants to please me? Nope. Not everything is about me, you know.
Another thing that makes my father stupid, is how he interacts with his (step-)children. He wants to be oh so good, say positive things to them and be nice. He sounds so fake. Believe me, he won't exactly win an Oscar in the nearest future. Not even Juilliard could make him good. He's untruthful, and don't even care whether he says something that makes sense or not. It's just... wrong. Sorry.
What I wish the most that my father would do better, is to not pick the wrong fights. He can talk half an hour with my little brother because he (understandably enough) doesn't wish to kill himself in the form of school. My little brother is amazing, I tell you that. But of course he shouldn't do nothing but school when he's only in 8th grade! He is 13 for God's sake! But my father still doesn't think my brother is doing good enough. He is. He doesn't even know it himself, but he sure is.
When a parent is arguing about a chocolate or a school assignment, instead of caring about what really is the matter, that is a problem. That's what my father does. It just makes him look stupid. Even I believe he's stupid now.
My father makes me hate him. It's not my fault. And I hate my "blood connection" to him. Even though he's my biological father, doesn't mean that he acts like a father should. And while I've got way too much to do, and can't be home to take care of my brother so much, I feel scared. Scared for what my baby brother fears, what makes him sad in life. I know that he also has a problem with dad, in some way or another. If I could only be around him as much as I wish, and look after him. My brother is my love. All I fear is him not being OK.
Maybe I'm scared of my father. Or maybe I just hate him. One or the other. I want to tell him I'm gay. But he doesn't deserve it. He really doesn't deserve it, at all. He's just stupid. Fuck him.
Do I need to talk to somebody again?
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Honestly
The Las Vegas skyline, copyrighted
Maybe everything is a lie. Maybe we aren't who or what we are. Maybe it's just not how the world is supposed to be put together.
Fuck it. I can't remember how it is to be depressed. Or, I do know how it feels like, I just can't say whether I'm depressed or not right now. That is the problem. Knowing is always the problem. It's not just enough to think, to believe. You have to know the truth. At least that's how I work. Nothing can be proved right or wrong, but you have to know to be certain.
Maybe it is so that the depression is just something that comes every late autumn and stays for a while? If the world wasn't that confusing... Then I might survive another winter. With snow. And Christmas. And family. What a joy that would be. Well, not really...
I don't want it to get back onto me. The suicide thoughts. The bad habits of not doing anything, feeling anything or being anything. I want to survive this winter. Right now, today, there are so many things to actually be here for. Be me for.
I don't want to cry.
I don't want to not be able to cry.
I don't want to feel unworthy.
I don't want to be silent.
I don't want to open the car door when my grandfather is driving.
I don't want to be afraid.
I don't want to lie to myself.
I don't want to be helpless.
I don't want to not wanting to feel.
I don't want to loose my great support.
I don't want to suppress my feelings.
I don't want to not being able to smile.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to act cold and heartless.
I don't want everybody else to feel sorry for me.
I wonder how it is to be a victim of incest.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Feeling Close To Nothing
Hi y'all. How you doin'? Oh, I'm fine, thank you. Smileyface.
A new chapter of my life started three weeks ago. I started at a new school, with completely different people. My real life started. My true life.
I'm really, really happy. Because that school is like magic. I think that if I didn't attend exactly this school, I'd be really depressed right now. Really. But every day these new 25 people in my class make me smile. I just have to. Because they're worth it.
Still, the happiness isn't real. Because every day I think that there's something wrong, something that shouldn't be. For some reason. First day of school I asked my new teacher where to go to be assigned to a psychologist. The first day. The first day of the new life. The new beginning. But I think I couldn't have done otherwise. That would've been stupid.
I feel there's something missing. Because when I think really, really hard on what my life contains while on the train at 7.15 in the morning, I can't find the positive. Or, I can find the positive, but I can't find the positive life. It hurts, I can assure you. Maybe it's just how it's supposed to be.
Is this how I was thinking and acting before? Because I sometimes feel this great deja vú. It might not be the case, maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be, but maybe it isn't. And that's why I wanted help. I don't want my new life to start with sorrow and negativity. I think I was brave, though.
The answers I find don't seem reasonable. Because I have no idea what is happening anymore. Maybe that is a sign from my brain to seek help. At least I managed to do so. I follow my heart. At least sometimes. I hope it is worth it.
I might be in love. Because she is really cute, pretty and lovely. She's actually kinda perfect, even though I realize she ain't. But I really like her. Did you know I've never had a boy- or girlfriend? Like, a romantic relationship. That's what it's called. And I'm a virgin, and I haven't ever been drinking. For me that is courage and truthfulness.
Did you know that if you take the first sentence in all the sections above (except the first one of course) make out a poem?
A new chapter of my life...
Started three weeks ago
I'm really,
Really happy
Still,
The happiness isn't real
I feel there's
Something
Missing
Is this how I was thinking and acting before?
The answers I find
Don't seem reasonable
I might
Be in love
I like it. At least a little. I don't know what to do with myself. I cried today. Because I read some of what I wrote here on the blog for about half a year ago. I was totally broken. Devastated, horrified, scared.
The worst part is that I miss it. A little too much.
A new chapter of my life started three weeks ago. I started at a new school, with completely different people. My real life started. My true life.
I'm really, really happy. Because that school is like magic. I think that if I didn't attend exactly this school, I'd be really depressed right now. Really. But every day these new 25 people in my class make me smile. I just have to. Because they're worth it.
Still, the happiness isn't real. Because every day I think that there's something wrong, something that shouldn't be. For some reason. First day of school I asked my new teacher where to go to be assigned to a psychologist. The first day. The first day of the new life. The new beginning. But I think I couldn't have done otherwise. That would've been stupid.
I feel there's something missing. Because when I think really, really hard on what my life contains while on the train at 7.15 in the morning, I can't find the positive. Or, I can find the positive, but I can't find the positive life. It hurts, I can assure you. Maybe it's just how it's supposed to be.
Is this how I was thinking and acting before? Because I sometimes feel this great deja vú. It might not be the case, maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be, but maybe it isn't. And that's why I wanted help. I don't want my new life to start with sorrow and negativity. I think I was brave, though.
The answers I find don't seem reasonable. Because I have no idea what is happening anymore. Maybe that is a sign from my brain to seek help. At least I managed to do so. I follow my heart. At least sometimes. I hope it is worth it.
I might be in love. Because she is really cute, pretty and lovely. She's actually kinda perfect, even though I realize she ain't. But I really like her. Did you know I've never had a boy- or girlfriend? Like, a romantic relationship. That's what it's called. And I'm a virgin, and I haven't ever been drinking. For me that is courage and truthfulness.
Did you know that if you take the first sentence in all the sections above (except the first one of course) make out a poem?
A new chapter of my life...
Started three weeks ago
I'm really,
Really happy
Still,
The happiness isn't real
I feel there's
Something
Missing
Is this how I was thinking and acting before?
The answers I find
Don't seem reasonable
I might
Be in love
I like it. At least a little. I don't know what to do with myself. I cried today. Because I read some of what I wrote here on the blog for about half a year ago. I was totally broken. Devastated, horrified, scared.
The worst part is that I miss it. A little too much.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
To A Broken Heart
Hi.
You know what? I'm sorry we had to end like this. To be honest, I never thought we would. At least not like this. You're worth so much more. I'm worth so much more. We're both. We deserve better.
No, I don't really understand why you're so mad at me. I can imagine some of it, but far from everything. Right now I'm angry. At you, at the world, but mostly at myself. We deserve better.
Why did the contact stop? I separated more and more from you. I found it hard to feel "home". Maybe we weren't as close as I'd wished for. Maybe I was just too much. Because I can be, I know that. We both can be. But we still deserve better.
I know you didn't like it when I told you my therapist was quitting. He agreed with you, it wasn't a good time to quit. There's probably no right time to quit. But that was the situation. I got better, you know? I got over the suicide period, and I'm feeling better now. Still, I think I'll try to start therapy once again after the summer break. Just to get through with it. Because I try. We deserve better.
You helped me through so much, it's actually hard to believe it all. You were there for me, even though I acted like an ass. I had it like hell, but you were still by my side. For some reason. Because I know it must've been hard for you, experiencing all this. You've said that you're a very strong person, time after time. I know that, and I know it's true. But some things are still hard. We both deserve better.
I'm sorry for all the pain I've given you. To be honest, I don't know how much I've been a pain for you. But I'm sorry for whatever. I've been through hell, and I dragged you along in the side wagon of the motorcycle (whatever that means). I apologize for that. And I wish it never happened. We deserve better.
Right now I'm listening to Muse. Old songs, new songs. All to take away the pain and anger. Pain because I've found it really hard to lose you. Anger because I regret. I'm angry at you too, but, when it comes to it, it's just the anger I have for myself. We deserve better.
No, you can never redo anything, no matter who you are. But dreams and hope don't care whether there's rules or not. I want to make up with you, because I can't redo reality. You're a really good friend, and no matter what happens in the future, I'll always remember you. We deserve better.
For the backup on accepting myself, for the help when trying to talk to my teacher, for you outing me and explaining the problem to the school nurse, for the walk you had with me right before my first session with the psychologist. For the support on coming to terms with myself, for the great laughs, for the fantastic (but still disturbing (in a good way)) discussions, for the hugs, and for you being yourself. Thank you for being such a friend. I've been a nightmare, but that was when you stood by my side. I'm still a nightmare sometimes, but now we are separate. We deserve better.
You have a special place in my heart for all the things you've done for me. I owe you big, probably everything. You've kept me alive, and I thank you for that. Whatever happens later: Thank you.
Love, Sunniva.
You know what? I'm sorry we had to end like this. To be honest, I never thought we would. At least not like this. You're worth so much more. I'm worth so much more. We're both. We deserve better.
No, I don't really understand why you're so mad at me. I can imagine some of it, but far from everything. Right now I'm angry. At you, at the world, but mostly at myself. We deserve better.
Why did the contact stop? I separated more and more from you. I found it hard to feel "home". Maybe we weren't as close as I'd wished for. Maybe I was just too much. Because I can be, I know that. We both can be. But we still deserve better.
I know you didn't like it when I told you my therapist was quitting. He agreed with you, it wasn't a good time to quit. There's probably no right time to quit. But that was the situation. I got better, you know? I got over the suicide period, and I'm feeling better now. Still, I think I'll try to start therapy once again after the summer break. Just to get through with it. Because I try. We deserve better.
You helped me through so much, it's actually hard to believe it all. You were there for me, even though I acted like an ass. I had it like hell, but you were still by my side. For some reason. Because I know it must've been hard for you, experiencing all this. You've said that you're a very strong person, time after time. I know that, and I know it's true. But some things are still hard. We both deserve better.
I'm sorry for all the pain I've given you. To be honest, I don't know how much I've been a pain for you. But I'm sorry for whatever. I've been through hell, and I dragged you along in the side wagon of the motorcycle (whatever that means). I apologize for that. And I wish it never happened. We deserve better.
Right now I'm listening to Muse. Old songs, new songs. All to take away the pain and anger. Pain because I've found it really hard to lose you. Anger because I regret. I'm angry at you too, but, when it comes to it, it's just the anger I have for myself. We deserve better.
No, you can never redo anything, no matter who you are. But dreams and hope don't care whether there's rules or not. I want to make up with you, because I can't redo reality. You're a really good friend, and no matter what happens in the future, I'll always remember you. We deserve better.
For the backup on accepting myself, for the help when trying to talk to my teacher, for you outing me and explaining the problem to the school nurse, for the walk you had with me right before my first session with the psychologist. For the support on coming to terms with myself, for the great laughs, for the fantastic (but still disturbing (in a good way)) discussions, for the hugs, and for you being yourself. Thank you for being such a friend. I've been a nightmare, but that was when you stood by my side. I'm still a nightmare sometimes, but now we are separate. We deserve better.
You have a special place in my heart for all the things you've done for me. I owe you big, probably everything. You've kept me alive, and I thank you for that. Whatever happens later: Thank you.
Love, Sunniva.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Low
And I'm down the road again... But I was outside skinny dipping today. Yeah, that was totally out of context. *Gathering thoughts* OK, let's look at this. I promised the psychologist to if I ever felt bad. And I keep my promises. As far as possible, tho.
Lots have been happening lately. I've had my final exams for Lower Secondary, if there's anything like that. Grade 8-10 (7-9 within British/American standards). It's been pressuring, but not bad at all. I actually ended up with an A+ on my oral exam (in Religions). The written one I won't know about until graduation day, June 17th. We'll see. But it sure has been busy, without that much time to "figure out life" and stuff. That might've been positive, to just put everything away for a couple of days, but I don't think it really works...
Naval - Yann Tiersen
I think I'm hitting the lows again. I'm really not as happy as I was just a month ago. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of school, tired of friends, tired of people, tired of fitting in. Tired of everything. I think I'm going to watch a movie. A comedy. Something really funny. Because right now I need it. I don't give a damn that it's 11pm.
Yeah, that's also been a concern lately. I'm sleeping lighter now. And if you know me, and have slept by my side, you know I'm a heavy sleeper. A really heavy sleeper. But at a sudden I've been sleeping worse. And I can't fall asleep. I could fall asleep at 10.30pm sometimes. Maybe even before that. But now I'm not sleepy at 11. I'm not even sleepy at 12. I might sleep at 1am. No, the sleeping is getting worse.
I'm thinking about talking to my former teacher. Yes, I had a crush on her. That's not the point. She's over 40 for God's sake! No, I want to talk with her about my crazy year of 9th grade. I was a wreck. I was horrible. I was crazy. I was questioning. I was living and trying not to live at the same time. It was a really confusing time. Why do I want to talk about it with her? Because I want to tell her that I'm not as crazy anymore. That I'm better. Because she noticed something was wrong. But she wanted me to get through it myself.
I want to apologize. She deserves an apology. Because I really am sorry. And I put her through a lot. I put myself through a lot. I might've put the world through a lot. But here I am today. She deserves an apology.
The low is hitting me. Yes, the psychologist told me somewhat what to do when I'm feeling down. I'm not feeling horrible, I'm just feeling down. I'll make it through the two months of summer vacation, and then I'll see what I do. Maybe I'm going to look up a psychologist once again to really get through this, whatever it might be. Because today I'm clueless. As clueless music sometimes can be. Or, as clueless us humans can be when listening to music.
Yes, I think I'll try to get to talk with somebody again after the holidays. It's just to find the reason to talk with somebody. I tend to feel the need of a reason.
I'm crying now. I don't know why. But I'm crying. I'm an artist – a creative soul. It's beautiful, but It's a torture at the same time. I hate crying. I never cried at the psychologist. Almost six months, and no tears. I want it that way. I can't be vulnerable. I must stay true, stay strong. Stay me. And me does not involve crying. At least not around other people. These thoughts makes me cry. I've been using the verb 'to cry' far too many times in this section...
They say that you shall live like there's no tomorrow. Is there any tomorrow? When will I know tomorrow?
Lots have been happening lately. I've had my final exams for Lower Secondary, if there's anything like that. Grade 8-10 (7-9 within British/American standards). It's been pressuring, but not bad at all. I actually ended up with an A+ on my oral exam (in Religions). The written one I won't know about until graduation day, June 17th. We'll see. But it sure has been busy, without that much time to "figure out life" and stuff. That might've been positive, to just put everything away for a couple of days, but I don't think it really works...
Naval - Yann Tiersen
I think I'm hitting the lows again. I'm really not as happy as I was just a month ago. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of school, tired of friends, tired of people, tired of fitting in. Tired of everything. I think I'm going to watch a movie. A comedy. Something really funny. Because right now I need it. I don't give a damn that it's 11pm.
Yeah, that's also been a concern lately. I'm sleeping lighter now. And if you know me, and have slept by my side, you know I'm a heavy sleeper. A really heavy sleeper. But at a sudden I've been sleeping worse. And I can't fall asleep. I could fall asleep at 10.30pm sometimes. Maybe even before that. But now I'm not sleepy at 11. I'm not even sleepy at 12. I might sleep at 1am. No, the sleeping is getting worse.
I'm thinking about talking to my former teacher. Yes, I had a crush on her. That's not the point. She's over 40 for God's sake! No, I want to talk with her about my crazy year of 9th grade. I was a wreck. I was horrible. I was crazy. I was questioning. I was living and trying not to live at the same time. It was a really confusing time. Why do I want to talk about it with her? Because I want to tell her that I'm not as crazy anymore. That I'm better. Because she noticed something was wrong. But she wanted me to get through it myself.
I want to apologize. She deserves an apology. Because I really am sorry. And I put her through a lot. I put myself through a lot. I might've put the world through a lot. But here I am today. She deserves an apology.
The low is hitting me. Yes, the psychologist told me somewhat what to do when I'm feeling down. I'm not feeling horrible, I'm just feeling down. I'll make it through the two months of summer vacation, and then I'll see what I do. Maybe I'm going to look up a psychologist once again to really get through this, whatever it might be. Because today I'm clueless. As clueless music sometimes can be. Or, as clueless us humans can be when listening to music.
Yes, I think I'll try to get to talk with somebody again after the holidays. It's just to find the reason to talk with somebody. I tend to feel the need of a reason.
I'm crying now. I don't know why. But I'm crying. I'm an artist – a creative soul. It's beautiful, but It's a torture at the same time. I hate crying. I never cried at the psychologist. Almost six months, and no tears. I want it that way. I can't be vulnerable. I must stay true, stay strong. Stay me. And me does not involve crying. At least not around other people. These thoughts makes me cry. I've been using the verb 'to cry' far too many times in this section...
They say that you shall live like there's no tomorrow. Is there any tomorrow? When will I know tomorrow?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Feelings. Weird Feelings.
Note: I don't care whatever the time is. This is life.
OK. This has been a day. A freakin' weird day. Or, not really actually, it's been more amazing. Because guess what, I said it! I freakin' said it! "I'm a lesbian" came out of my mouth today. And not to a total stranger over the phone, but to people in real life.
I haven't written it yet (or I might've spammed those of you who're on Twitter with it), but I managed to say "I'm a lesbian" to this Monday. Over the phone to a lady in Oslo. OK, I could've called a helpline or something. But that was definitely not what was happening. Because I called in to the host of a youth radio show. And then I went on air. Saying I am a lesbian.
How freakin' amazing ain't that?! It sounds really weird, I'm totally aware, but I still see it as a tremendous step for me to be able to say that word. Monday February 15th 2010 is the date I came to acknowledge myself, and to be true. Because that's the date when I really came out to myself.
Now, that's not what happened today. This is six days after. But today I was finally able to come out to some of my friends. Me and some of my friends (including one of the two good friends who's actually reading this (Hi!)) gathered to watch a movie and just hang out, and after a few (also known as a million) talks about it, me and the friend who knows about this whole mess decided that today would be a day to come out to people. So I did! I don't know how, but I did.
After the movie was finished, my friend suggested that we should all talk about our crushes, just to make me more uncomfortable so I would actually come through with this. And I promise you, even before this she sent me a billion looks to make me start with this thing. But there we sat, and everybody told who they has/had a crush on, one by one. Then it got to be my turn.
"Ehm... I don't know..." I first tried. Then one of my friends thought me and a guy we met at project week had a really good connection, so she (of course) "accused" me of liking this guy. No good luck with that, though. Then, after discussing this way too much (not for a long time, though), I said: "There's something I want to tell you guys." Not too many listened way too carefully what I was saying (it's not like I'm shouting "I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" when it's about stuff like this), so my friend was just like "SHE WANNA TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING!" to get everyone's attention.
My lovely mind was just blank for a second, and then I tried going with "I'm...". And at last I said it. That last sentence sounds weird in my head, but whatever. I freakin' said it! So now I'm the lesbian in the bunch who can tell if a wannabe-cool-blogger is sexy or not. Works for me!
No, but really, it was a frightening experience. But I'm glad it's all over. Still, just imagining I'll have to do this for way too many times kind of bothers me. But you got to live with it. We all have our struggles. It's very scary though, to know that now there's way more people who knows who I really am. But now I can be more and more myself. And that I'm grateful.
It's a weird feeling.
OK. This has been a day. A freakin' weird day. Or, not really actually, it's been more amazing. Because guess what, I said it! I freakin' said it! "I'm a lesbian" came out of my mouth today. And not to a total stranger over the phone, but to people in real life.
I haven't written it yet (or I might've spammed those of you who're on Twitter with it), but I managed to say "I'm a lesbian" to this Monday. Over the phone to a lady in Oslo. OK, I could've called a helpline or something. But that was definitely not what was happening. Because I called in to the host of a youth radio show. And then I went on air. Saying I am a lesbian.
How freakin' amazing ain't that?! It sounds really weird, I'm totally aware, but I still see it as a tremendous step for me to be able to say that word. Monday February 15th 2010 is the date I came to acknowledge myself, and to be true. Because that's the date when I really came out to myself.
Now, that's not what happened today. This is six days after. But today I was finally able to come out to some of my friends. Me and some of my friends (including one of the two good friends who's actually reading this (Hi!)) gathered to watch a movie and just hang out, and after a few (also known as a million) talks about it, me and the friend who knows about this whole mess decided that today would be a day to come out to people. So I did! I don't know how, but I did.
After the movie was finished, my friend suggested that we should all talk about our crushes, just to make me more uncomfortable so I would actually come through with this. And I promise you, even before this she sent me a billion looks to make me start with this thing. But there we sat, and everybody told who they has/had a crush on, one by one. Then it got to be my turn.
"Ehm... I don't know..." I first tried. Then one of my friends thought me and a guy we met at project week had a really good connection, so she (of course) "accused" me of liking this guy. No good luck with that, though. Then, after discussing this way too much (not for a long time, though), I said: "There's something I want to tell you guys." Not too many listened way too carefully what I was saying (it's not like I'm shouting "I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" when it's about stuff like this), so my friend was just like "SHE WANNA TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING!" to get everyone's attention.
My lovely mind was just blank for a second, and then I tried going with "I'm...". And at last I said it. That last sentence sounds weird in my head, but whatever. I freakin' said it! So now I'm the lesbian in the bunch who can tell if a wannabe-cool-blogger is sexy or not. Works for me!
No, but really, it was a frightening experience. But I'm glad it's all over. Still, just imagining I'll have to do this for way too many times kind of bothers me. But you got to live with it. We all have our struggles. It's very scary though, to know that now there's way more people who knows who I really am. But now I can be more and more myself. And that I'm grateful.
It's a weird feeling.
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Talking In Norwegian Thing
Would anyone please tell me why I can't say "gay", "queer" nor "lesbian" in Norwegian? I beg you, it would help me a lot.
So, can I say it's official? One year ago, around this time, I finally understood myself and my feelings. I'm gay. Or, right now, I'm having an argue with my psychologist and myself because I got problems convincing myself that I understand my feelings, but that's another story. Anyway, let's set January as the month to celebrate. Or, do you celebrate the anniversary for when you came to terms with your own sexuality? Just wondering. Now, whatever.
Now, I think I'm going to push myself onto the track I was supposed to follow when writing this. OK, let's do this.
I'm here, I'm queer. It's A; OK to be gay. 2QTBSTR8, actually. So, why the heck can't I just say it? Actually, I can. In English. But that doesn't matter, because I live in Norway, and my mother tongue is Norwegian. That's why I got to actually be able to say "I'm gay" in Norwegian. But at this time, I don't.
To be honest, I have no idea why the words won't leave my tongue. "I just can't say it," I told my psych for the 18th time today. I guess he understood, but I don't. It's just three freakin' words!
No, I have no idea. I wish it was easier. Let it slip away, and forget it. My wish. And what is most confusing to me is that I have no problem whatsoever saying "I'm gay" in English. But in Norwegian everything stops. I can't even write it! So, now neither communication methods, speaking nor writing, works to express this feeling.
It's about who I fall in love with, and who I wish I could screw. That's it. It's not much, is it? Or...? Well, maybe it is. Because it's about who I, in the future, want to share my life with. But when I can't even express myself, how the heck am I supposed to make that happen?
Shitty, shitty. I gotta get a life, and stop blogging. But I can't. It's kind of an obsession...
I'm gay - Jeg er ...
So, can I say it's official? One year ago, around this time, I finally understood myself and my feelings. I'm gay. Or, right now, I'm having an argue with my psychologist and myself because I got problems convincing myself that I understand my feelings, but that's another story. Anyway, let's set January as the month to celebrate. Or, do you celebrate the anniversary for when you came to terms with your own sexuality? Just wondering. Now, whatever.
Now, I think I'm going to push myself onto the track I was supposed to follow when writing this. OK, let's do this.
I'm here, I'm queer. It's A; OK to be gay. 2QTBSTR8, actually. So, why the heck can't I just say it? Actually, I can. In English. But that doesn't matter, because I live in Norway, and my mother tongue is Norwegian. That's why I got to actually be able to say "I'm gay" in Norwegian. But at this time, I don't.
To be honest, I have no idea why the words won't leave my tongue. "I just can't say it," I told my psych for the 18th time today. I guess he understood, but I don't. It's just three freakin' words!
No, I have no idea. I wish it was easier. Let it slip away, and forget it. My wish. And what is most confusing to me is that I have no problem whatsoever saying "I'm gay" in English. But in Norwegian everything stops. I can't even write it! So, now neither communication methods, speaking nor writing, works to express this feeling.
It's about who I fall in love with, and who I wish I could screw. That's it. It's not much, is it? Or...? Well, maybe it is. Because it's about who I, in the future, want to share my life with. But when I can't even express myself, how the heck am I supposed to make that happen?
Shitty, shitty. I gotta get a life, and stop blogging. But I can't. It's kind of an obsession...
I'm gay - Jeg er ...
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Breaking Hearts
OK, now there is this guy in my class... Actually there are two. And I don't have a crush on them, but from what I've experienced and read about crushes and symptoms, I think they might have a crush. On me...
This is what too many girls strive for when they're 15, right? But for me... The only thing on my mind when thinking about this is "What is wrong with this?". And no, that was not a joke.
But clearing my feelings out of it all: What am I supposed to do? I don't want them. That's reality. And if I should ever switch teams... No, seriously, that will probably never happen. It's more likely that I end up in celibacy than that I'll find a man (with male genitalia) I feel a great attraction towards and want to marry. And I really don't think that will ever happen.
But OK, I don't want neither of them. Should I just throw it in their faces? "Sorry, I really don't like men. Or, in that way, you know..." So never gonna happen. And what if they ask me out? Maybe I'll end up messing up their brain or something. And pity-dating... That's just wrong, right?
I feel truly sorry for these guys... But what can you do? And as long as I don't date them, I guess I can't cause that much harm, right? Let's hope so. Both for me and them.
Am I a boys magnet? Because that sucks.
This is what too many girls strive for when they're 15, right? But for me... The only thing on my mind when thinking about this is "What is wrong with this?". And no, that was not a joke.
But clearing my feelings out of it all: What am I supposed to do? I don't want them. That's reality. And if I should ever switch teams... No, seriously, that will probably never happen. It's more likely that I end up in celibacy than that I'll find a man (with male genitalia) I feel a great attraction towards and want to marry. And I really don't think that will ever happen.
But OK, I don't want neither of them. Should I just throw it in their faces? "Sorry, I really don't like men. Or, in that way, you know..." So never gonna happen. And what if they ask me out? Maybe I'll end up messing up their brain or something. And pity-dating... That's just wrong, right?
I feel truly sorry for these guys... But what can you do? And as long as I don't date them, I guess I can't cause that much harm, right? Let's hope so. Both for me and them.
Am I a boys magnet? Because that sucks.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Too Desperate
I'm totally too desperate. Just check out what I wrote this Monday for a written task in English... The task was to "write a modern short story about two people in love, and parents who, for some reason, don't accept it."
Hiding
“Hi! Come inside. Christopher? Daniel is here!” Chris’ mother closed the door after Dan. And just within a couple of seconds he could see Chris at the top of the staircase. His beautiful smile lightened the whole face of Chris, and Dan couldn’t do other than to smile back at him.
“Hi!” Chris said, “I’ve just started reading. Come upstairs!”
They went into his room and sat down on the bed. Dan opened his bag and pulled out his English books.
“So…” Chris went, “Have you thought about it yet?”
“Eh… What?” said Dan, looking at Chris.
“Well, do you want us to be a couple?”
“Oh, that. Of course I want to. It’s just… You know, difficult.”
“I know it’s difficult. Life is difficult! And I don’t mean we should go official or anything. I’m not crazy. But… Well, I don’t know.” Chris lowered his head.
“Listen, Chris: I really like you. And I want to be with you. But my family, your family and the whole town make it hard.” Now Dan took Chris’ hands in his: “Let’s be together. I would love to. OK?”
“OK.” Now Chris smiled: “I really do love you.”
“So, senior prom is next Friday. Have you got a date yet?” Dan’s best friend, Greg, asks him after PE class.
“Well, not really…” Dan said. Or, technically he did have a date, but could he pull it through with Chris?
“You have to ask Jessica,” Greg kept going, as in another world: “She’s totally the sexiest girl of the seniors. Or, didn’t Dylan ask her? Now, I don’t know, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right?”
“Yeah…” Dan replied, not interested.
“Anyway, you better get on gear before all the hotties are gone!”
Get on gear… No, more likely get the courage to go to prom with a guy. Courage, that was the thing.
“Chris?” Dan said. He sat on the green carpet on the floor, and looked up at Chris studying in the bed: “Do you want to go to prom with me?”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“You and me. At prom. Do you want to?”
“Are you seriously?” Dan nodded. “Yes! Of course I will! But wait. What about Mom and Dad? They’re definitely going to find out if we go.”
“Then we have to tell them.”
Chris and Dan were terrified about telling them. Both of their families were Catholics, and shared a vision that a man and a woman should get married and have children. Not to men. What if they denied it all? Or what if they would disown them, kick them out of the house and cut finances?
The evening before prom Chris checked over his suit for the last time. His mother entered his room: “So, who’s the lucky girl? You haven’t told me yet.”
“Mom, I have to tell you something,” Chris started: “I’m going to prom with Dan.”
“What? Are you…?” Chris’ mother asked slowly.
“Yes.”
“Then get out of my house.”
The doorbell rang at Dan’s house, and Dan opened. He had tears in his eyes, and the sound of someone crying inside reached all the way to the door.
“Oh… You told them as well?” Chris asked.
“Yes. What happened with you?” Dan could see that Chris carried a dark blue bag with him.
“I was kicked out of the house.”
“Shoot.”
Then Dan went to his room, packed a bag as well, and together he and Chris went outside to Dan’s car. They put their belongings into the trunk, and drove into the night.
“So, what do we do now?” Dan asked.
“I got an aunt in San Francisco. She might let us stay there a couple of days.”
“San Francisco... That’s a 12 hour drive.”
“True. But it’s probably the best solution at the moment.”
“Then let’s go.”
Read and judge me yourself. And yes; I did got an A+, even though I definitely didn't deserve it...
Hiding
“Hi! Come inside. Christopher? Daniel is here!” Chris’ mother closed the door after Dan. And just within a couple of seconds he could see Chris at the top of the staircase. His beautiful smile lightened the whole face of Chris, and Dan couldn’t do other than to smile back at him.
“Hi!” Chris said, “I’ve just started reading. Come upstairs!”
They went into his room and sat down on the bed. Dan opened his bag and pulled out his English books.
“So…” Chris went, “Have you thought about it yet?”
“Eh… What?” said Dan, looking at Chris.
“Well, do you want us to be a couple?”
“Oh, that. Of course I want to. It’s just… You know, difficult.”
“I know it’s difficult. Life is difficult! And I don’t mean we should go official or anything. I’m not crazy. But… Well, I don’t know.” Chris lowered his head.
“Listen, Chris: I really like you. And I want to be with you. But my family, your family and the whole town make it hard.” Now Dan took Chris’ hands in his: “Let’s be together. I would love to. OK?”
“OK.” Now Chris smiled: “I really do love you.”
“So, senior prom is next Friday. Have you got a date yet?” Dan’s best friend, Greg, asks him after PE class.
“Well, not really…” Dan said. Or, technically he did have a date, but could he pull it through with Chris?
“You have to ask Jessica,” Greg kept going, as in another world: “She’s totally the sexiest girl of the seniors. Or, didn’t Dylan ask her? Now, I don’t know, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right?”
“Yeah…” Dan replied, not interested.
“Anyway, you better get on gear before all the hotties are gone!”
Get on gear… No, more likely get the courage to go to prom with a guy. Courage, that was the thing.
“Chris?” Dan said. He sat on the green carpet on the floor, and looked up at Chris studying in the bed: “Do you want to go to prom with me?”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“You and me. At prom. Do you want to?”
“Are you seriously?” Dan nodded. “Yes! Of course I will! But wait. What about Mom and Dad? They’re definitely going to find out if we go.”
“Then we have to tell them.”
Chris and Dan were terrified about telling them. Both of their families were Catholics, and shared a vision that a man and a woman should get married and have children. Not to men. What if they denied it all? Or what if they would disown them, kick them out of the house and cut finances?
The evening before prom Chris checked over his suit for the last time. His mother entered his room: “So, who’s the lucky girl? You haven’t told me yet.”
“Mom, I have to tell you something,” Chris started: “I’m going to prom with Dan.”
“What? Are you…?” Chris’ mother asked slowly.
“Yes.”
“Then get out of my house.”
The doorbell rang at Dan’s house, and Dan opened. He had tears in his eyes, and the sound of someone crying inside reached all the way to the door.
“Oh… You told them as well?” Chris asked.
“Yes. What happened with you?” Dan could see that Chris carried a dark blue bag with him.
“I was kicked out of the house.”
“Shoot.”
Then Dan went to his room, packed a bag as well, and together he and Chris went outside to Dan’s car. They put their belongings into the trunk, and drove into the night.
“So, what do we do now?” Dan asked.
“I got an aunt in San Francisco. She might let us stay there a couple of days.”
“San Francisco... That’s a 12 hour drive.”
“True. But it’s probably the best solution at the moment.”
“Then let’s go.”
Read and judge me yourself. And yes; I did got an A+, even though I definitely didn't deserve it...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Yes, I Am Complaining
So yeah... My grandparents are here coming from the other side of the country because Mom left my brother and I three weeks ago for some conference and Dad and his wife went to Naxos, Greece this Friday. And I truly wish they didn't come.
I've said some words about my grandparents. They're quite right wings and (not so) mildly conservative, quite opposite of me, which has caused some problems concerning my relationship with them. That definitely sucks, but on the other hand, I can't get away from that I love discussions.
Even though, them being here with me the whole weekend has been challenging. I don't know what's up with them, but I suspect Grandma trying to make everything good again (from what they did when I was having my confirmation). And Grandpa is just acting as nothing's changed. My dreams...
Speaking honest: I know I can be quite harsh with people sometimes, but it's just because I want to challenge the way people look at each other and the rest of the world. I (usually) don't mean anything bad about it. But with my grandparents... I can't deny I'm still a bit mad at them. But if you ask me they haven't done anything trying to make everything good again, so I think I should be allowed to show my feelings for once.
The only thing I want is an apology. Which I probably will never get. And now they're making my weekend worse than it has to be. I don't appreciate it. If you don't like who I am, stay out of my life! I just want to be happy.
I'm angry at them. That's just how it is. Fin.
I've said some words about my grandparents. They're quite right wings and (not so) mildly conservative, quite opposite of me, which has caused some problems concerning my relationship with them. That definitely sucks, but on the other hand, I can't get away from that I love discussions.
Even though, them being here with me the whole weekend has been challenging. I don't know what's up with them, but I suspect Grandma trying to make everything good again (from what they did when I was having my confirmation). And Grandpa is just acting as nothing's changed. My dreams...
Speaking honest: I know I can be quite harsh with people sometimes, but it's just because I want to challenge the way people look at each other and the rest of the world. I (usually) don't mean anything bad about it. But with my grandparents... I can't deny I'm still a bit mad at them. But if you ask me they haven't done anything trying to make everything good again, so I think I should be allowed to show my feelings for once.
The only thing I want is an apology. Which I probably will never get. And now they're making my weekend worse than it has to be. I don't appreciate it. If you don't like who I am, stay out of my life! I just want to be happy.
I'm angry at them. That's just how it is. Fin.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Bible Says
OK, so I finally told someone that I'm gay. Or, I added her on Twitter, and she found my blog. Which, I believe, might have been quite a shock. I don't know, because I kind of haven't got the guts to talk about it face to face with her. But we'll see, and now she might even read this (which scares me to hell).
Well, me on my way out of the closet isn't that exciting to read about (if any of my thoughts are), but my thoughts about religion and parts of my biological family. Because several persons in my family disagree the way I've chosen within religion.
To understand the whole thing there's some things necessary to know about my family:
* My grandfather was a minister, and even though he used to be preaching in a Protestant church he's doing a good time being Catholic in mind and soul.
* Dad's against abortion, gay rights and researching on stem cells, and a "true Christian."
* There's several others that's more than "a bit" Christian as well, but using a day writing about them ain't worth it.
Anyway, in Norway most of the 15-year-olds "confirm" their faith to God. There's thankfully other options as well, without the Christianity part. So I chose one of those options, against my family's will. Still I got it through. Well, after several weeks learning about religion, love, respect and so on, there was a celebration to celebrate me becoming an adult. Almost everyone in the family came, people held speeches for me and so.
Gramp have been going against it all the way (and he's probably praying for me getting "cured" as well), but I didn't care. In the party he held a speech, pointing out all the Christianity around me and so on. And he gave me a bible. Seriously? When I've tried for months saying I'm an Agnostic, he's giving me a bible!
The sad thing was that he kind of ruined my day. I was about to cry when he gave me it. But that's how it goes.
Well, me on my way out of the closet isn't that exciting to read about (if any of my thoughts are), but my thoughts about religion and parts of my biological family. Because several persons in my family disagree the way I've chosen within religion.
To understand the whole thing there's some things necessary to know about my family:
* My grandfather was a minister, and even though he used to be preaching in a Protestant church he's doing a good time being Catholic in mind and soul.
* Dad's against abortion, gay rights and researching on stem cells, and a "true Christian."
* There's several others that's more than "a bit" Christian as well, but using a day writing about them ain't worth it.
Anyway, in Norway most of the 15-year-olds "confirm" their faith to God. There's thankfully other options as well, without the Christianity part. So I chose one of those options, against my family's will. Still I got it through. Well, after several weeks learning about religion, love, respect and so on, there was a celebration to celebrate me becoming an adult. Almost everyone in the family came, people held speeches for me and so.
Gramp have been going against it all the way (and he's probably praying for me getting "cured" as well), but I didn't care. In the party he held a speech, pointing out all the Christianity around me and so on. And he gave me a bible. Seriously? When I've tried for months saying I'm an Agnostic, he's giving me a bible!
The sad thing was that he kind of ruined my day. I was about to cry when he gave me it. But that's how it goes.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Not So Good Love After All
This hit me today: Why the hell am I intimidated by my teacher? As I told a couple of weeks ago, I was up to a parent meeting (where my homeroom teacher, let's call her "Joan", my father and I sit down for half an hour talking about me and school). It didn't go terrible, and, thankfully, no words said about the "torpedo hirer." Only thing is that I'm scared to death...
The reason I'm scared isn't because "Joan" is a murder. Nor is she afraid of garlic. The whole stupid thing is that I kind of have a crush on her. And since I wrote about this gay couple (which no 9th grader would ever do if they aren't gay themselves (or so it is in Norway), I'm pretty sure "Joan" thinks I'm gay as well. Like 95% sure.
And, I assure you, that isn't really so bad, after all. But I really want to just tell her instead of writing stupid and terribly bad short stories to explain. Still, there's something that really sucks. Since I have a crush on her, I act horrible when I'm around her. Which is really bad. But the worst thing is that I think she knows...
Yes, she's very accepting (or so I think), but there's no fun in having a crush on your homeroom teacher. Especially not if there's a good chance she knows you're gay and that you got a crush on her.
So, here I am. Madly in love with woman. And there's nothing wrong with it. But what I want is not to have a crush on my homeroom teacher (who grades me in five subjects). I want to tell her I'm gay!
Yeah... That's the reason I try to avoid her in the corridor. But I do look her in the eye, and she looks back. Gosh, I'm really a mess...
FYI: I'm tired and sad, OK? Please don't get mad that I kind of act some egoistic. 'Cause I know. And I'm sorry about that.
The reason I'm scared isn't because "Joan" is a murder. Nor is she afraid of garlic. The whole stupid thing is that I kind of have a crush on her. And since I wrote about this gay couple (which no 9th grader would ever do if they aren't gay themselves (or so it is in Norway), I'm pretty sure "Joan" thinks I'm gay as well. Like 95% sure.
And, I assure you, that isn't really so bad, after all. But I really want to just tell her instead of writing stupid and terribly bad short stories to explain. Still, there's something that really sucks. Since I have a crush on her, I act horrible when I'm around her. Which is really bad. But the worst thing is that I think she knows...
Yes, she's very accepting (or so I think), but there's no fun in having a crush on your homeroom teacher. Especially not if there's a good chance she knows you're gay and that you got a crush on her.
So, here I am. Madly in love with woman. And there's nothing wrong with it. But what I want is not to have a crush on my homeroom teacher (who grades me in five subjects). I want to tell her I'm gay!
Yeah... That's the reason I try to avoid her in the corridor. But I do look her in the eye, and she looks back. Gosh, I'm really a mess...
FYI: I'm tired and sad, OK? Please don't get mad that I kind of act some egoistic. 'Cause I know. And I'm sorry about that.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Christmas Spare Time
What do you do in the holidays?
That's a quite interesting question. Especially when it's about this season. Because almost everyone are so stressed around this time of the year. And when Christmas Eve finally arrives, you're supposed to be so relaxed. You shall enjoy your family and have quality time together. But the stress attacks you, and then you're even more stressed than usual.
But for those who stress less, or is a child or youth, there's plenty of other things to do. Like watch old Christmas movies. Or play board games. And you might hang out on YouTube, but that's what you can do all year around.
My favorite holiday activity is to play the piano and sing Christmas songs. In Norway we got lovely Christmas songs, and some of them are even nicer than a lot of the Americans. But on the top of my list of most beautiful Christmas songs is a Swedish one: Himlen I Min Famn by Carola. It's the most lovable songs ever.
Music is very important for humans. We relate to the compositions. And that makes them even more powerful than just the lyrics. The whole song can change a persons life.
The holidays are both stressing and relieving. They gather family. They convey love. But if you have some spare time, it's important to have something to do at that time. Why not relax to the sound of wonderful Christmas songs?
That's a quite interesting question. Especially when it's about this season. Because almost everyone are so stressed around this time of the year. And when Christmas Eve finally arrives, you're supposed to be so relaxed. You shall enjoy your family and have quality time together. But the stress attacks you, and then you're even more stressed than usual.
But for those who stress less, or is a child or youth, there's plenty of other things to do. Like watch old Christmas movies. Or play board games. And you might hang out on YouTube, but that's what you can do all year around.
My favorite holiday activity is to play the piano and sing Christmas songs. In Norway we got lovely Christmas songs, and some of them are even nicer than a lot of the Americans. But on the top of my list of most beautiful Christmas songs is a Swedish one: Himlen I Min Famn by Carola. It's the most lovable songs ever.
Music is very important for humans. We relate to the compositions. And that makes them even more powerful than just the lyrics. The whole song can change a persons life.
The holidays are both stressing and relieving. They gather family. They convey love. But if you have some spare time, it's important to have something to do at that time. Why not relax to the sound of wonderful Christmas songs?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Peace & Love, You Know
I've always been fascinated by religion. Even though I don't believe in any God, I think both the history, the traditions and, of course, the beliefs are exciting. There's so much more than just thinking there's something or someone watching over us. But I also find it strange that a very big percent believe in things they've never ever seen or felt in any other way. Especially when major causes where someone says something strange happened, and it can be clarified by science.
No, I'm not against religion or anything. Here where I live, there's a lot of very Christian people. I don't judge. And they're also doing a lot of good stuff to the community. If you want and example, they give children and youth a place to hang out, and teach them a lot of good stuff too.
What I don't like, and I don't care whatever religion the person(s) have, is when he/she/they try to push their religion on others, nor when they judge people. That's just sad.
I've heard a lot of good stories about religious people who survived a rough time with their religion, and that their religion actually saved them from doing horrible things, like taking suicide, do drugs, and others. But I've also heard about cases where religion just made things worse. Everything has several sides. That's just how it is. If we didn't have any religions, we might not have so many wars, but people having a bad time might not get out of it without having anything to rely on and find solace in.
But the big problem, I think, isn't religion, but accepting. If everyone could try to accept each other, things would be so much better. I don't say you should be OK with anything, but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, how bad could it be? Acceptance is the key to peace. That's my final thought.
Please, everyone: Accept each other! Give and get, you know, the Golden Rule and all. Have mercy and acceptance, and the world will be a better place.
No, I'm not against religion or anything. Here where I live, there's a lot of very Christian people. I don't judge. And they're also doing a lot of good stuff to the community. If you want and example, they give children and youth a place to hang out, and teach them a lot of good stuff too.
What I don't like, and I don't care whatever religion the person(s) have, is when he/she/they try to push their religion on others, nor when they judge people. That's just sad.
I've heard a lot of good stories about religious people who survived a rough time with their religion, and that their religion actually saved them from doing horrible things, like taking suicide, do drugs, and others. But I've also heard about cases where religion just made things worse. Everything has several sides. That's just how it is. If we didn't have any religions, we might not have so many wars, but people having a bad time might not get out of it without having anything to rely on and find solace in.
But the big problem, I think, isn't religion, but accepting. If everyone could try to accept each other, things would be so much better. I don't say you should be OK with anything, but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, how bad could it be? Acceptance is the key to peace. That's my final thought.
Please, everyone: Accept each other! Give and get, you know, the Golden Rule and all. Have mercy and acceptance, and the world will be a better place.
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