Honestly

The Las Vegas skyline, copyrighted

Maybe everything is a lie. Maybe we aren't who or what we are. Maybe it's just not how the world is supposed to be put together.

Fuck it. I can't remember how it is to be depressed. Or, I do know how it feels like, I just can't say whether I'm depressed or not right now. That is the problem. Knowing is always the problem. It's not just enough to think, to believe. You have to know the truth. At least that's how I work. Nothing can be proved right or wrong, but you have to know to be certain.

Maybe it is so that the depression is just something that comes every late autumn and stays for a while? If the world wasn't that confusing... Then I might survive another winter. With snow. And Christmas. And family. What a joy that would be. Well, not really...

I don't want it to get back onto me. The suicide thoughts. The bad habits of not doing anything, feeling anything or being anything. I want to survive this winter. Right now, today, there are so many things to actually be here for. Be me for.

I don't want to cry.
I don't want to not be able to cry.
I don't want to feel unworthy.
I don't want to be silent.
I don't want to open the car door when my grandfather is driving.
I don't want to be afraid.
I don't want to lie to myself.
I don't want to be helpless.
I don't want to not wanting to feel.
I don't want to loose my great support.
I don't want to suppress my feelings.
I don't want to not being able to smile.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to act cold and heartless.

I don't want everybody else to feel sorry for me.



I wonder how it is to be a victim of incest.

Horny (My Apologies)

Being horny makes me so fucking happy! Like, it's just to get it on, and I'll smile and be confident. Me like.

Fuck, now I regret writing that. So, for the next half an hour I'm gonna pretend I don't know anyone of you reading this, even though I know too many of you... Yeah.

Seriously, I could need a girlfriend right now. Not just for sex, no seriously, just for having that special one. But lonely wolf ain't got anyone. Fuck. Didn't I mention I swear too much when I write? Honestly, I almost never swear. At least not in Norwegian. But when you're writing to yourself in English, I bet it's kinda like having a split personality. Yeah, interesting...

But yeah, the case: I want love. Or at least a crush. And right now it seems like I'm the only one within the radius of a couple of miles that ain't got no girlfriend. Not that I know that many people that are looking for any girlfriend, but you get what I mean. Damn. Do you notice I'm kinda happy right now? It's not a super-mega-terrabyte serious post, this one. Or, maybe it is. Maybe I'm just fucking up my feelings (not the dirty way, you pervert) and compressing them into a small little box so I can be happy for once.

Yeah. I told you I end up happy when I'm horny. I just saw this weird, but still cool (and very, very sexy) movie this evening.And Then Came Lola. It's very weird, and I kinda ended up being very angry at the maker because she used repetition (ain't that what I'm doing as well when I make these slide show/movie type o' things?) all the time. Annoying. But I still couldn't leave it.

That probably says more about me than the movie... (Get a life, girl!)

So... Anymovie. I'm so confused. Wait, I can't talk about mental problems when I am in this state condition. That sounded weird. What I was saying (now for the third time...), is that I wish I had a girlfriend. Why ain't I got a girlfriend? Well... I'm probably too dorky, nerdy and weird for that to happen. But I can wish, right? Okay, that sounds even more weird. Fuck.

I'll keep my hopes up for Upper Secondary. When I say that, I really sound young. I am young. I'm not more than freakin' 15. But I think like I'm 25. Or... Not today. Yeah, split personality... Let's gather around and pray that HMSunnyMH will have a girlfriend in the nearest future. Maybe I should become a Christian. Yeah, now I really sounds like an annoying teenager. Fuck.

OK, I'm done with this. Now I'll listen to my sexy (though mostly weird) French music. Welcome to my life... This song is really sexy, though. It's musical porn. Yep, I invented that. Now get a life, you reader. Or writer. I bet I said it mostly to myself. I'm so cool; Talking to myself, and even writing to myself for everyone to read.

Over and out.

The sexy music, by the way (I bet you've heard it before, but I just heart this song, haha):

The Big Talk

I've had some problems with myself the past half a year. Now I kind of know what it's about. Before I didn't. And with my personal problems, I've also had a bit of problem with my homeroom teacher. It's not like she's mean or anything, it's just me.

So we have kind of a chat with our homeroom teacher twice a year or something where we talk about how it's going, both socially, personally and at school.
At Monday it was my turn to talk to my homeroom teacher. In November, at the same type of thing, I told her I was having some trouble. She asked: "In what sort of way?" And I, rambling through my head to come up with something, cause I would never tell her the fact that I'm having identity problems (or not as in sexual identity), wasn't able to say anything else than religion. There I was, telling her about my confirmation (a thing where we "study" religion outside school (and those who go Christian talk a lot about Christianity and the Bible)), not being accepted by my family and all. Then she told me that she's a member of HEF, an organization for atheists and agnostics. And this time we talked more about that.

The point is that I just can't get myself to tell her something like "I'm gay," because:
* The words will not come out of my mouth in Norwegian. And I will not start talking English with her just out of the blue.
* I'm not sure.
* I'm sorry, but I'm a bit ashamed.
* Does she even have anything to do with it?
* I don't want to be all "OMG, I have problems! So many!! HELP ME!!!"
* Yes, and I'm a bit afraid she won't care. And talk to everybody about it. (Even though I know she won't.)

I really wish she would just ask me. She knows there's something up, just not what. And when I miss lead her with religion and all, it's not helping. Jeez...

Life ain't easy...