Honestly

The Las Vegas skyline, copyrighted

Maybe everything is a lie. Maybe we aren't who or what we are. Maybe it's just not how the world is supposed to be put together.

Fuck it. I can't remember how it is to be depressed. Or, I do know how it feels like, I just can't say whether I'm depressed or not right now. That is the problem. Knowing is always the problem. It's not just enough to think, to believe. You have to know the truth. At least that's how I work. Nothing can be proved right or wrong, but you have to know to be certain.

Maybe it is so that the depression is just something that comes every late autumn and stays for a while? If the world wasn't that confusing... Then I might survive another winter. With snow. And Christmas. And family. What a joy that would be. Well, not really...

I don't want it to get back onto me. The suicide thoughts. The bad habits of not doing anything, feeling anything or being anything. I want to survive this winter. Right now, today, there are so many things to actually be here for. Be me for.

I don't want to cry.
I don't want to not be able to cry.
I don't want to feel unworthy.
I don't want to be silent.
I don't want to open the car door when my grandfather is driving.
I don't want to be afraid.
I don't want to lie to myself.
I don't want to be helpless.
I don't want to not wanting to feel.
I don't want to loose my great support.
I don't want to suppress my feelings.
I don't want to not being able to smile.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to act cold and heartless.

I don't want everybody else to feel sorry for me.



I wonder how it is to be a victim of incest.

Feeling Close To Nothing

Hi y'all. How you doin'? Oh, I'm fine, thank you. Smileyface.

A new chapter of my life started three weeks ago. I started at a new school, with completely different people. My real life started. My true life.

I'm really, really happy. Because that school is like magic. I think that if I didn't attend exactly this school, I'd be really depressed right now. Really. But every day these new 25 people in my class make me smile. I just have to. Because they're worth it.

Still, the happiness isn't real. Because every day I think that there's something wrong, something that shouldn't be. For some reason. First day of school I asked my new teacher where to go to be assigned to a psychologist. The first day. The first day of the new life. The new beginning. But I think I couldn't have done otherwise. That would've been stupid.

I feel there's something missing. Because when I think really, really hard on what my life contains while on the train at 7.15 in the morning, I can't find the positive. Or, I can find the positive, but I can't find the positive life. It hurts, I can assure you. Maybe it's just how it's supposed to be.

Is this how I was thinking and acting before? Because I sometimes feel this great deja vú. It might not be the case, maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be, but maybe it isn't. And that's why I wanted help. I don't want my new life to start with sorrow and negativity. I think I was brave, though.

The answers I find don't seem reasonable. Because I have no idea what is happening anymore. Maybe that is a sign from my brain to seek help. At least I managed to do so. I follow my heart. At least sometimes. I hope it is worth it.

I might be in love. Because she is really cute, pretty and lovely. She's actually kinda perfect, even though I realize she ain't. But I really like her. Did you know I've never had a boy- or girlfriend? Like, a romantic relationship. That's what it's called. And I'm a virgin, and I haven't ever been drinking. For me that is courage and truthfulness.

Did you know that if you take the first sentence in all the sections above (except the first one of course) make out a poem?

A new chapter of my life...
Started three weeks ago
I'm really,
Really happy
Still,
The happiness isn't real
I feel there's
Something
Missing
Is this how I was thinking and acting before?
The answers I find
Don't seem reasonable
I might
Be in love

I like it. At least a little. I don't know what to do with myself. I cried today. Because I read some of what I wrote here on the blog for about half a year ago. I was totally broken. Devastated, horrified, scared.

The worst part is that I miss it. A little too much.

Low

And I'm down the road again... But I was outside skinny dipping today. Yeah, that was totally out of context. *Gathering thoughts* OK, let's look at this. I promised the psychologist to if I ever felt bad. And I keep my promises. As far as possible, tho.

Lots have been happening lately. I've had my final exams for Lower Secondary, if there's anything like that. Grade 8-10 (7-9 within British/American standards). It's been pressuring, but not bad at all. I actually ended up with an A+ on my oral exam (in Religions). The written one I won't know about until graduation day, June 17th. We'll see. But it sure has been busy, without that much time to "figure out life" and stuff. That might've been positive, to just put everything away for a couple of days, but I don't think it really works...


Naval - Yann Tiersen

I think I'm hitting the lows again. I'm really not as happy as I was just a month ago. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of school, tired of friends, tired of people, tired of fitting in. Tired of everything. I think I'm going to watch a movie. A comedy. Something really funny. Because right now I need it. I don't give a damn that it's 11pm.

Yeah, that's also been a concern lately. I'm sleeping lighter now. And if you know me, and have slept by my side, you know I'm a heavy sleeper. A really heavy sleeper. But at a sudden I've been sleeping worse. And I can't fall asleep. I could fall asleep at 10.30pm sometimes. Maybe even before that. But now I'm not sleepy at 11. I'm not even sleepy at 12. I might sleep at 1am. No, the sleeping is getting worse.

I'm thinking about talking to my former teacher. Yes, I had a crush on her. That's not the point. She's over 40 for God's sake! No, I want to talk with her about my crazy year of 9th grade. I was a wreck. I was horrible. I was crazy. I was questioning. I was living and trying not to live at the same time. It was a really confusing time. Why do I want to talk about it with her? Because I want to tell her that I'm not as crazy anymore. That I'm better. Because she noticed something was wrong. But she wanted me to get through it myself.

I want to apologize. She deserves an apology. Because I really am sorry. And I put her through a lot. I put myself through a lot. I might've put the world through a lot. But here I am today. She deserves an apology.

The low is hitting me. Yes, the psychologist told me somewhat what to do when I'm feeling down. I'm not feeling horrible, I'm just feeling down. I'll make it through the two months of summer vacation, and then I'll see what I do. Maybe I'm going to look up a psychologist once again to really get through this, whatever it might be. Because today I'm clueless. As clueless music sometimes can be. Or, as clueless us humans can be when listening to music.

Yes, I think I'll try to get to talk with somebody again after the holidays. It's just to find the reason to talk with somebody. I tend to feel the need of a reason.

I'm crying now. I don't know why. But I'm crying. I'm an artist – a creative soul. It's beautiful, but It's a torture at the same time. I hate crying. I never cried at the psychologist. Almost six months, and no tears. I want it that way. I can't be vulnerable. I must stay true, stay strong. Stay me. And me does not involve crying. At least not around other people. These thoughts makes me cry. I've been using the verb 'to cry' far too many times in this section...

They say that you shall live like there's no tomorrow. Is there any tomorrow? When will I know tomorrow?

Saving Letters

Dear mom and dad,

I wish life was easy. And I wish you understood me as me.

As from a young age I've had my problems. I've tend to be very angry at times, arguing and unhappy. As well as tearing on my own life, I've for sure made others' worse than it should. My life has been a roller coaster filled with some happiness and a lot of sadness. Didn't you see that?

I can remember that I once was very angry at school, and one day I refused to attend class after lunch break. Something came over me, I'm sure, even though I have no idea what it was. But I was so angry! I hit my teacher who tried to get me inside, I started screaming, and my eyes flooded with tears. I was broken, for whatever reason. After that episode the teacher called back home to tell you. You asked me, I didn't answer.

Sometimes, when I was in primary, I started to cry for no reason, usually in class. Maybe we were listening to some music to relax after a long day filled with Math, Norwegian and Science. Or it might've been me sitting by myself doing handcraft, thinking about everything and nothing. I just burst out in tears. What it was, I can't tell you. Because I have no idea. Or, at least it's just vague guesses.

What I know is that this sadness still got me. Somehow it won't leave an inch. Why am I like this?

There was this episode in third grade. The nurse was at the school to check how we were doing, measuring height and weight and stuff. Then we talked a little each with her. As a small school, this was what they did. Or... I guess so. I had to talk with her twice. This was right after your divorce, but I was feeling kinda OK. Still, I had to talk with the nurse twice. To this day I can't remember anything from our conversations, else than that I was crying real bad. I have no idea why - crying is the only thing I can remember.

This sadness hasn't managed to leave me to this date. It's not as present as it was when I was younger, but it sure is here today too. I want it to leave!

Today I'm a different person than one and a half year ago. I'm not as stupid and naive, and I've become a more real person. But I'm still hiding, and I'm still sad. The last year I've learned a lot about myself. I know stuff about myself I kind of hoped you would notice, and kind of hoped you'd never see. I'm not telling you that right now, and right direct, but I want to know this: Didn't you see?

I've been depressed. I've been too close to suicide. I've been hating myself so bad. Some of it is gone now, some of it isn't. How couldn't you see that? Your psychiatrists for God's sake! And you didn't see the signs. Maybe you wouldn't see. I don't know. And no, it's not over yet. I've got quite a way to go before I'm really real and myself. But I've made it so far, so why shouldn't I manage to walk the last bit without you?

I've been alone. I am alone. Let's hope the rest of the road will be easier to find and easier to follow. What I've learned? Life isn't easy. Maybe it's not supposed to be easy either. But you're making things so much harder when you're without someone - anyone - by your side.

You don't see what's right in front of you, right?

---


If life was as easy as writing a letter. And yes, this is me being fully honest. Not 97% honest, as to this blog, not 85% honest, as to the psychologist. But a 100 percent honest. Follow my lead?

My life is a lie. Deal with it.

Music Monday

Today is a day to drown in music. I'm going to listen to way too many songs, singing with and try to forget everything. Because music is like therapy for me.

So I was at my grandparents this weekend, celebrating my uncle's and my own birthday. It was an OK weekend with it's ups and downs, but whatever. It's to be forgotten. But I got a great gift though. I got a microphone! Like, to record music and stuff with. At least that's a plus for the weekend.

Anyway, today I'm rediscovering my music library. Some indie-pop, punk/rock and a (not too big) spoon of easy listening/soft pop will make my day. Because when you're listening to the music, you forget feeling. You forget living. Which is great! So now I'm gonna bounce around listening to some (for this soon-to-be 15-year-old) nice classics (and some new ones since I tend to easily move over to new songs).
High five for music!

Playlist:

Greenday - Holiday
Alejandro Fuentes - Tomorrow Only Knows
Bigband - Play Louder
DeLillos feat. Ida Maria - Flink
Lion King - The Lions Sleep Tonight
Empire Of The Sun - We Are The People
Kaizers Orchestra - Die Politzei
Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire
Superfamily - The Radio Has Expressed Concerns About What You Did Last Night

I'm a total music geek... Just let it pass, will you?

Breaking Hearts

OK, now there is this guy in my class... Actually there are two. And I don't have a crush on them, but from what I've experienced and read about crushes and symptoms, I think they might have a crush. On me...

This is what too many girls strive for when they're 15, right? But for me... The only thing on my mind when thinking about this is "What is wrong with this?". And no, that was not a joke.

But clearing my feelings out of it all: What am I supposed to do? I don't want them. That's reality. And if I should ever switch teams... No, seriously, that will probably never happen. It's more likely that I end up in celibacy than that I'll find a man (with male genitalia) I feel a great attraction towards and want to marry. And I really don't think that will ever happen.

But OK, I don't want neither of them. Should I just throw it in their faces? "Sorry, I really don't like men. Or, in that way, you know..." So never gonna happen. And what if they ask me out? Maybe I'll end up messing up their brain or something. And pity-dating... That's just wrong, right?

I feel truly sorry for these guys... But what can you do? And as long as I don't date them, I guess I can't cause that much harm, right? Let's hope so. Both for me and them.

Am I a boys magnet? Because that sucks.

'Round The Globe (And Back Again)

I want to move. Anyone tagging along? We could enter The Dwight School in New York City or something. Just give me anything. Because I don't think I can live so much longer in Norway without ending up in jail...

But The Dwight School... Not that a bad idea, or what? Study hard (challenges included in the price), meet new people and make a career. Get away from the crazy family and live on scholarships and stuff instead. And trust me: There is a scholarship. Or two (thousand).

I think moving out would do good to me. No, you shall not run away from your problems, but some free time before solving them can't do any harm, right? A couple of years where I can be myself, live like I want to, and make myself happy, for once. Get to know the real me. That's my dream.

Yeah, I really, really want to move. Because I'm a person I don't want to be. I'm a liar - false and untrue to my surroundings. And I don't want to keep on doing that. Lie to everyone around me, make everything worse because I can't be myself. To me that's equal to a bad person. Which means I'm a bad person.

So, will you tag along if I can convince my parents to send me away? People at boarding schools end up pretty OK, right? And to be honest, I think I'll end up better if I move somewhere else than if I stay home longer. Nearly 15 years at the same place; That could bore the majority of us.

Psychoanalyzing... God, sometimes genes suck!

The Time Has Passed

Well, then year 2008 is over. Someone might be happy, other sad, and there's those who don't really care. But after all, a new year isn't the absolute start or stop. Because humans are those who make the beginning and the end.

For me, this year has been strange. It started as second half of my fist year at a new school. I felt a bit alone, because when I started, fall '07, I went from a class at nine to a 8th grade at a mass of 114 students. That was very frightening, but also renewing. My group of friends got restricted a lot, but I also got several new friendships. After all, I think I'm standing stronger now than last year.

Also, I got new challenges at school. I think that was the best part. I've always felt different at school, but this year that has gotten better. My teachers (most of them) are challenging me in subjects I felt boring because I knew a lot of what we were thought.

My family, on the other hand, haven't been that easy to deal with. I don't feel close to my family anymore. Maybe I'm the one freezing them out, I don't know... As well in religious thoughts and beliefs. I'm quite against my family at the time, and I'm afraid this will continue in the following year(s).

The one thing that I think has been most on my mind this year, or especially the last half one, is my sexuality. This have been a worry for me, but I've realized a lot about myself as well. I don't know what that will do to 2009, but I think, and hope, that my family won't be a part of that side of my life yet. But maybe I'll do more with my "online life," if I have anything like that.

This year has, after all, been a different year. I've learned a lot about myself and others that I surround in my daily life. Both positive and negative. Maybe I've had this so-called "inner travel." I don't know... But I hope 2009 will be an exciting year with a lot of experiences.

Happy 2009!

Hi!

I love writing. And expressing what my view is in different cases. So... That's what I'll do. The subjects will be the most, but I think that personal and political subjects will be most common, plus some about art.

Before I start that, I'll tell you some about myself.
25 things about me:
I love horses.
My favorite food is Italian.
I live in the west of Norway, every other week at Mom and the others at Dad.
I have four brothers; one biologically and three steps.
Music is one of my passions, especially singing and playing piano.
I want to move to the US, Japan, Australia, New Zealand or Canada within the next four years.
I'm quite smart, and do well at school.
I speak Norwegian and English fully, Spanish halfway, understand a bit Italian, French, German, and understand quite well Danish and Swedish.
I'm questioning my sexuality.
I keep secrets.
I want to be an author, actress or singing artist.
I love the nature.
I horseback ride and do gymnastics.
I think about strange subjects over 50% of the time.
Reading is one of my greater passions.
I'm one of those who think learning is great.
I write a diary.
I'm an agnostic.
I proofread every time I read books, papers, magazines or so.
I want to study abroad now, and not wait until I'm 18.
Christmas is my favorite holiday.
I'm stuck on YouTube.
I want to start writing a book, but never do.
I've sewn several dresses, but they don't want to be the way I want them to be.
I'm quite good at acting as a psychologist (that might be a social heritage from my parents, because they're psychiatrist...)

Now you know more about me than many others I know... But now I'm going to write something interesting in stead. Hope you'll continue reading what I write!