Church

I went to church today... For some reason I ended up in some kind of church today. And I wish I never did.

So, way before Christmas, a friend of mine asked me if I would come with her to a meeting at a local congregation. As several of my friends, family and acquaintances, she's quite a conservative Christian, with a somewhat old-fashioned view of the world. My father has for quite some time now wanted me to go to one of the congregation's meetings, putting this particular friend as an example. So I accepted. I could possibly learn something new, and some other friends of mine (both more liberal (and some atheists)) were coming too.

What I've heard about the meetings varies a lot. Some love it, others find it weird and/or crazy. But I've always tried to stay positive when it comes to religions, as long as it's not affecting me too much. And yes, religions, and then especially Christianity, has caused me a lot of problems. Still, I try to stay as positive as possible, and not judge. Because I've also seen religions make people happy. And as long as my friends are happy, I don't bother too much about their religious beliefs.

Anyway, I knew I had nothing else to expect than a little dose of craziness. And crazy it went. Kind of. Or, as crazy and weird as this kind of meetings can get. But I would never have expected my reactions. No matter how brainwashed they were, and I can (somewhat) take brainwashed, when they started to sing... I just felt the need to cry. Because never have I've been reminded more of my background than the moment they started singing about how God is supposed to be a savior. And when people raised their hands for some sort of praise to God or something... No, I was totally overwhelmed.

There's something with Christianity that makes me shudder. I feel so uncomfortable with the praising and believing. And what they sometimes end up saying... No, I just think it's horrible. It puts you under a lot of pressure; In this tiny little box where you're supposed to live, breathe and survive. And every single time I end up thinking about Christianity, my sexuality comes to mind. Because for a lot of Christians here have a problem with the true me...

But when I see how some of my friends' faces lights up the minute they hear something read from the Bible; Or that their smile is almost stopping them singing because they smile so brightly. That's what's making me surprised, but happy for these friends. Because as long as they're happy and somewhat healthy, I want them to be themselves. No matter how crazy their opinions might seem.

Maybe that's one of the things that breaks my heart when I try to place myself in a Christian setting... No, I don't know. But I wish it was different. I don't like to judge, not me, nor anyone else.

Phrase of wisdom: Happiness can create hell.

This Is How It Goes

Tuesday was my fourth time at the psych. It's still scary. Fucking unbelievably scary. But it's OK. I think and hope and believe I get something out of it talking to this guy, so...

But it's really hard. Especially when talking about things I wish would never ever be said a word about. Still, I gotta stay strong, right? And, however stupid and cliche it sounds like: I'm not doing it just for myself. It's OK to not be happy all the time, but sometimes it gets too much, just causing pain on everyone else.

Both last time and this Tuesday he asked me how I feel about going to him and talk. I said I really think it's scary, but I'm OK with it. It's better talking to him than not talking to anyone, after all. So he asked me why I am afraid coming. "Is it because it's scary talking about certain subjects?" he asked. Couldn't do anything else than confirm that. But who ain't afraid of that? No, I'm not comfortable talking about my sexuality. Sorry, but that's just how it is...

I didn't tell him that I don't like talking about that, though. But of course we had to discuss it eventually. I could feel every muscle in my body tighten. My eyes looked around fast to find a safe spot to look at when he said the word 'lesbian'. I was just so scared.

Later that session he pointed out to me that I got more tense when talking about certain subjects. He could see it. But that's what you learn taking psychology at university, right?. Still, it's quite scary. That a person can read you like that (even though it might have been quite easy to spot, after all). Yes, I do it all the time (social heritage), but I tend not to say anything. Because it's freaky. Especially when you don't want anyone to know, which you usually don't. Scary and freaky...

Can I make that an argument not to go? That it's scary to talk about stuff, and that I'm freaked out when he "reads" me? No, seriously. Keep up tough, right? I gotta make me my own pep talk tonight. Or at least before next session.

I'm not used to open up to people. Maybe that's what's scary, bottom of the bottle. At the moment I'm not quite sure. But opening up is scary. Right? But I'll do good. Get my ass down there in two weeks as I did this week. Try to talk about it as good as I can, hoping (and wanting) to do better.

So this is to say something about how talking to the psych is doing. Because it's hard explaining what we're talking about, and so that I can sort things out and put it in perspective. Just to look at the whole thing.

And yes, the tissues are still to be used. I don't cry easily.

Home, Sweet Home...?

I read this article in an add-in magazine called Magasinet about "the art of teaching." There was an interview with the Minister of Education as well, and he told what to do to make people become teachers. The school standard isn't so high if you look at test results and stuff compared to other European countries. And that might be caused by some bad teachers. Or bad education of the teachers... I guess on the second one.

So, when I sat there reading, I came up with something: I don't think I'll suck as a teacher. Maybe I'll be quite good. Who knows? Then I thought a little more about it, and was like: That would be quite fun, actually! And maybe I then would return to my home country, where I'm born and raised. Who knows?

The problem is that I've never felt so home here. I don't feel Norway's the place for me. And even if it is... What if homosexuality will never be totally accepted by Norwegians. Especially not Norwegian parents. What if they think I'll recruit others? Or that the kids will come with comments like "Eww... Like kissing girls?" or "That's so disgusting!"

The truth is that I don't believe they will be in ten years. Many of them aren't like that today either. Even though many of them try to be... So, if I'll ever be a teacher and be out as gay, I probably won't meet 20 death threats a day. Or at least I hope not. It won't be that bad.

But another thing is that I don't want to meet people I know. And be out. Maybe that's what I'm most scared of. Maybe not. But I think I'll stick to that theory. I don't want to meet the homeroom teacher I had in eight to tenth grade when I'm 25-30 years old and be like "Hi, nice to see you again! Here, meet my girlfriend [Whatever the name she'll have]. Not gonna happen.

Maybe I won't stay in Norway as I think about it... Nope.

The Big Talk

I've had some problems with myself the past half a year. Now I kind of know what it's about. Before I didn't. And with my personal problems, I've also had a bit of problem with my homeroom teacher. It's not like she's mean or anything, it's just me.

So we have kind of a chat with our homeroom teacher twice a year or something where we talk about how it's going, both socially, personally and at school.
At Monday it was my turn to talk to my homeroom teacher. In November, at the same type of thing, I told her I was having some trouble. She asked: "In what sort of way?" And I, rambling through my head to come up with something, cause I would never tell her the fact that I'm having identity problems (or not as in sexual identity), wasn't able to say anything else than religion. There I was, telling her about my confirmation (a thing where we "study" religion outside school (and those who go Christian talk a lot about Christianity and the Bible)), not being accepted by my family and all. Then she told me that she's a member of HEF, an organization for atheists and agnostics. And this time we talked more about that.

The point is that I just can't get myself to tell her something like "I'm gay," because:
* The words will not come out of my mouth in Norwegian. And I will not start talking English with her just out of the blue.
* I'm not sure.
* I'm sorry, but I'm a bit ashamed.
* Does she even have anything to do with it?
* I don't want to be all "OMG, I have problems! So many!! HELP ME!!!"
* Yes, and I'm a bit afraid she won't care. And talk to everybody about it. (Even though I know she won't.)

I really wish she would just ask me. She knows there's something up, just not what. And when I miss lead her with religion and all, it's not helping. Jeez...

Life ain't easy...