Session Filed "Scary"

So, yet another day passed, yet another session done. Weird...

Today I was at his once again. We talked, we analyzed (I think we got our own psychoanalyzing club...), we wondered, and we talked even more. I think this session has been the longest thus far. At least it felt that way. Not so sure whether that's a good or a bad thing, but whatever.

Last time we decided that this session was to be about my family. Or, I asked if we could so. Because he kind of wanted me to be done. Poor guy, now I totally messed that up for him. Because I actually told him. That I was suicidal. Once.

I'm definitely low on sleep, and this day has been marked by that. When walking up to his office, I just had to stop for a second. I got tears in my eyes, wondering how I could possibly tell him this. The anxiety I've had before "invaded" me, and by a sudden I regret the whole thing. Why should I even care going in? But I did.

He could definitely see it. Smart as he is, he got that this was my way of showing him I wanted to tell him something. He asked. I said, "I want to tell you something, but I can't say it." So he suggested getting back to it. It's not like you're supposed to freak people out three minutes after you've met them.

We talked about my family. How my relationship with my grandfather is rather bad. How I'm terrified about my future. I don't even know if I'll have a real family around me ten years from now... Only future will tell. I really do have a bad relationship with them all. But I can't really see how it's supposed to become any better, as I've said before. If I'm to look at it myself, I'll ask if I really want any relationship with my family later in life. Maybe I feel I'm too vulnerable to manage hoping.

After a while he wanted to know what I wanted to tell him. So I spent 15 minutes trying to say it without saying it directly. In stead of sounding like it was supposed to, it sounded like I was about to say my father or grandfather raped me. Which wasn't the case. But trust me, it really sounded like that was the deal. He got it in the end, though.

"Sometimes I just wish I could disappear. Like, especially this Christmas." That's what I said, adding a lot extra, though, as I always do. But that's what I said. Then he got it. Thankfully.

I'm not going to go more into this part. My apologize, or blessing, depending on how you look at it and what's your outcome. Because I tend to be quite insensitive sometimes, and that might easily make people even more sad than this blog has already caused by it's nature. But we talked about this subject for a while, touching other things as well and putting everything into one (That sounds weird, and I'm totally aware).

Hopefully he gets me. I think he does. Though I can guarantee you I'm difficult to understand. So anything over 35% is approved. Maybe he'll let me understand how to get out of this mess I'm creating for myself. I'm crossing my fingers.

Church

I went to church today... For some reason I ended up in some kind of church today. And I wish I never did.

So, way before Christmas, a friend of mine asked me if I would come with her to a meeting at a local congregation. As several of my friends, family and acquaintances, she's quite a conservative Christian, with a somewhat old-fashioned view of the world. My father has for quite some time now wanted me to go to one of the congregation's meetings, putting this particular friend as an example. So I accepted. I could possibly learn something new, and some other friends of mine (both more liberal (and some atheists)) were coming too.

What I've heard about the meetings varies a lot. Some love it, others find it weird and/or crazy. But I've always tried to stay positive when it comes to religions, as long as it's not affecting me too much. And yes, religions, and then especially Christianity, has caused me a lot of problems. Still, I try to stay as positive as possible, and not judge. Because I've also seen religions make people happy. And as long as my friends are happy, I don't bother too much about their religious beliefs.

Anyway, I knew I had nothing else to expect than a little dose of craziness. And crazy it went. Kind of. Or, as crazy and weird as this kind of meetings can get. But I would never have expected my reactions. No matter how brainwashed they were, and I can (somewhat) take brainwashed, when they started to sing... I just felt the need to cry. Because never have I've been reminded more of my background than the moment they started singing about how God is supposed to be a savior. And when people raised their hands for some sort of praise to God or something... No, I was totally overwhelmed.

There's something with Christianity that makes me shudder. I feel so uncomfortable with the praising and believing. And what they sometimes end up saying... No, I just think it's horrible. It puts you under a lot of pressure; In this tiny little box where you're supposed to live, breathe and survive. And every single time I end up thinking about Christianity, my sexuality comes to mind. Because for a lot of Christians here have a problem with the true me...

But when I see how some of my friends' faces lights up the minute they hear something read from the Bible; Or that their smile is almost stopping them singing because they smile so brightly. That's what's making me surprised, but happy for these friends. Because as long as they're happy and somewhat healthy, I want them to be themselves. No matter how crazy their opinions might seem.

Maybe that's one of the things that breaks my heart when I try to place myself in a Christian setting... No, I don't know. But I wish it was different. I don't like to judge, not me, nor anyone else.

Phrase of wisdom: Happiness can create hell.

It's Over

Now it's finally really over. The only family members within the radius of one mile right now are my mother and my brother. Usually I don't tend to thank any god for that, but now I certainly am. I now have gotten a minute of freedom, a minute of peace. It probably won't last for too long, but whatever. I don't care. It's the small victories that makes the big one.

When I think about it, it's kind of odd I got through this Christmas at all. As if I didn't have about a million thoughts running through my head, I also had to cope with my family. This Christmas my mother, my brother and I visited my mother's parents. And because they live quite far away, we had to stay with them the whole Christmas. It's not bad being where they live or anything, it's just the people I can't cope with 24/7. But I stayed through.

No, I'm not going to go down in every little detail explaining why everything is wrong this time, because if you've read previous posts, you'll totally know what's making the picture blurry. Instead I'll write something halfway positive. Because this Christmas, the Christmas of 2009, I managed to not come out. I kept on, doing my best to control my feelings, and didn't say a thing. And that's a good thing. At least for me, at this time.

I was scared when the holidays started. "What if I say something wrong?" was a thought running through my head, "What if I miss a word that shouldn't ever be mentioned?" I was scared to hell. As if I wasn't there already. The whole two weeks every single muscle in my body was tightened. I kept thinking, day and night, on that moment that could come. If I ever said anything wrong, I could end up in the cold, all alone.

The days went by. I managed to control myself. No, I couldn't relax, but I kept on going. I woke up, walked, took a breath. And thankfully the days passed. For a whole two weeks I managed to be there, with them. And now it's finally over. Thank a god.

That was my Christmas of 2009. Now I've got to feel for myself how it is suffering in the holidays. And I certainly know why the helplines get so many calls around Christmas. A lesson I would gladly be without, but now I know. It's a lesson of life.

Don't walk my shoes.

If you, for whatever matter, want to know more about my family, just click the tags "family", "grandpa", "grandfather", or "grandparents" and read. There's whatever I've written about them, and you might then get what I mean when I tell you how Christmas was for me.
Enjoy reading.

Waiting

This Christmas won't be as it used to be. For sure.

I wish I could run around the house singing "I'm Coming Out" with Diana Ross. I wish I could say "Damn, she's hot!" whenever I want. I wish I could talk about all the awesome people I've met at the gay youth club in the city. But I can't. Because my grandfather is a freaking priest!

This sucks. This Christmas sucks. I'm stuck with my conservative Christian family on the other side of the country, far away from my friends. Every day I have to think carefully through everything I'm to say, write or do. Even what I am to think. No matter what is happening, I have to keep myself from saying anything wrong.

I've never been to prison. My knowledge about being in prison is equal to zero. That's why I can't say that this is like prison, for sure. But I've got fantasy. And my fantasy tells me that prison is like being trapped, both physically and mentally. Claustrophobic, and no way to escape, no matter how much you try. It's just to wait until it's all over. If that is how prison is, I feel like I'm in prison right now. And it sucks. But all I can do is to wait for it to go over.

Someday it's all over, right? That little hope for it to end some day, that's what's keeping me up. But for how long?

Christmas News Letter

Tomorrow is December 22nd. Which means that (if everything goes as planned) I'll be at my grandparents within 24 hours. And because I for some reason am scared to death, I now can't sleep. Not so "yaygay"...

I've been thinking about this Christmas and what I think will happen for way too long now. To be honest, I really don't want to sit in my mother's car tomorrow for a whole day thinking about Christmas and my family (and the combination of those). Believe it or not, but I think sitting in front of a web cam on the other side of the globe saying "Hi!" through Skype would be more pleasant than this. Of course, I can't predict the future. Maybe there won't be any conflicts between me and everyone else. Still, my head will be too close exploding.

The thing I'm most scared of is that I'll accidentally say something I should've kept for myself. "What if they ever find out?" is a thought I'm almost too scared to think. Still, almost every day I feel a want to just scream it out loud to everyone. Release the pressure on my shoulders to be as stereotypical straight as possible, so I won't ruin both my parents' and my life because I'm not acting "normal". Today I've given up being normal, because I know it isn't possible, but I still feel I do something wrong every single day I don't wear make-up. And when I stare too long at a hot girl on the street and am about to say "Damn, she's hot!", I break off a piece of my heart.

Grandpa has it as a tradition to write a Christmas news letter every Christmas. Then he puts a lot of focus on his grandchildren, also known as my cousins, my brother and I. This year's letter was just e-mailed from him to me; A one-page, nicely done letter where he's made a short summary of this year, now only with two and a half weeks left. And it hurts. Of course he had to mention my confirmation. Did he last year? No. But he did this year. Nothing big or anything, but just the fact that he even mentioned it hurts. He shouldn't have been a part of it. It just hurts, no matter how weird it sounds.

If I come out this Christmas... Will he mention it? If I marry a woman one day, before he passes away, will he mention it? "This summer Sunniva and 'Katelyn' had a wonderful wedding at the beach in sunny California." Really realistic, girl...

He'll abandon me. Just as my grandmother, my father, my mother (because of my grandparents (or she'll be abandoned with me)), and a bunch of my friends. No, I can't predict the future. But being afraid of your own family and your family's plausible actions is really not good.

I'm sorry this is so long, negative and over-sharing. And I totally have to bring this to the psych. Whatever. I need strengthen right now, through sleep. Lack of sleep makes the best of us a bit sad, or what? I don't know.

Acting 'Till Death Brings You Home

Now, it's soon to be Christmas. And I've been blogging for a freakin' whole year! A horrible year filled with negative thoughts. But I think it's getting better. We'll see.

Anyway, now it's soon to be Christmas. I'm kind of in the spirit now. But what is Christmas really about? Christmas is about love, joy, traditions, happiness and family. And peace. Do I feel it? Nope.

I'm driving across the country two days before Christmas Eve to celebrate with family I'm not sure I love. This Christmas will be spent with an inner tension, and I'll have to try to control myself from saying anything wrong. I'll try to be on the good path with them, control my anger and my feelings, be "me". And hopefully I'll be able to.

It's a scary thought that I have to be even more "perfect" now in the Christmas time than usual. Living on a lie all the time sucks. I want to be me. But I can't pull it through. Because I'm not going to risk my home, family and life situation to be me. Or at least not yet. That's too much to take in one handing, because I'll have to add my life where I'm myself (which is not that enjoyable all the time) in addition to the totally new situation between my family and I.

Acting can be fun. But not all the time, where the acting is your whole life. I wish I could be the real me, where I don't have to act to be like others want me to be. But acting is a survival action - survival of the fittest. So when you're not the strongest, you have to act that you are.

Snow, Dear Snow

This is unbelievable news: We have snow! The snow has been here a week now, but it's on it's way back to under the ground. That's a bit sad, though. Because I love snow.

Here where I live the winter lasts for about 2 weeks broken up in smaller pieces of about 4 days in a row with less than 0 degrees Celsius (32 degrees Fahrenheit or less). Now it's been exactly one week with snow and about -5 degrees (Celsius) every day, plus five days with a bright sky.

If you don't live in a place without winter, I would say it's hard to understand. But let so be. There's never a white Christmas (nor for those who live south for the equator, but you don't count,) the whole winter, except 2 weeks, is gray, rainy and dark. No fun. It's not even fun to drink hot chocolate.

But I've been skiing and figure skating on a real lake (without cooling devises in it)! I'm sorry if it's a bit too much snow talk, but really. It's snow! Who doesn't melt when they see lovely white dots falling from heaven?

And by tomorrow it'll be gone...

Christmas Spare Time

What do you do in the holidays?

That's a quite interesting question. Especially when it's about this season. Because almost everyone are so stressed around this time of the year. And when Christmas Eve finally arrives, you're supposed to be so relaxed. You shall enjoy your family and have quality time together. But the stress attacks you, and then you're even more stressed than usual.

But for those who stress less, or is a child or youth, there's plenty of other things to do. Like watch old Christmas movies. Or play board games. And you might hang out on YouTube, but that's what you can do all year around.

My favorite holiday activity is to play the piano and sing Christmas songs. In Norway we got lovely Christmas songs, and some of them are even nicer than a lot of the Americans. But on the top of my list of most beautiful Christmas songs is a Swedish one: Himlen I Min Famn by Carola. It's the most lovable songs ever.

Music is very important for humans. We relate to the compositions. And that makes them even more powerful than just the lyrics. The whole song can change a persons life.

The holidays are both stressing and relieving. They gather family. They convey love. But if you have some spare time, it's important to have something to do at that time. Why not relax to the sound of wonderful Christmas songs?

Christmas Presents

I always struggle with what to give to my friends and family. Last year I gave a lot of pictures of myself in frame or as a magnet to my family, and to my friends I gave some jewelry. I'm not good at presents at all, and I don't want them to be just bought, and with no emotions involved. They're supposed to be special.

So, at the dinner table today, my Mom asked me what I've been doing the whole day. I told her I was writing and stuff. Then it "came to me." Why not give stories for Christmas presents? As told, I love writing. And I'm actually quite good, if I must say it myself. Mom and Dad always enjoy reading my texts, and I almost throw them out on paper, so why not? What do you think? Would you be grateful for a story as a Christmas present?

Also, my Dad is a really threat against the environment. So, I consider giving him a climate quota or something. I don't think he's grateful enough either, so a donation to a help organization would also be great. But I told him that I maybe would give him a climate quota or a donation for Christmas, and he told me he didn't wanted that. But I don't care. Wouldn't that be a wonderful present for him?

You see, I got to come up with something like that. Something original and/or positive for others. No socks or anything.

Snowy Christmas, You Think?

I was checking the local weather forecast on a Norwegian website called yr.no, because there have been freezing outside, -2 degrees in Celsius. Or, where I live that's freezing. So I wondered if there would be any snow the next couple of days. No... Because apparently there's not supposed to snow in the wintertime here. Every winter there's 5 degrees and rain. All day, every day. So there haven't been a white Christmas since forever or something. But about 50 years ago, every Christmas had snow. Now they don't, thanks to climate changes.

About snow; I love it. Skiing is one of my favorite hobbies, and I also enjoy figure skating. But where I live, I can't do that. Or, we have skating arenas, but no frozen lakes or anything. And that sucks...

Those who doesn't live in Norway, often thinks that Norway is all white from the middle of November till March or something. Sorry guys, we don't. But some parts of our country is snowy most of the winter, but that's north for Trondheim and in the mountains.

Well, I can blame it on someone, everyone. The climate is the problem. Most of us don't care too much, and especially not doing anything. That's sad, because we're ruin our world. The past generations didn't know too much what the causes would be when they started using motors and alike, but after a while, when the research started, they got to know. Now we even know more, but do we do anything? Nope. And that's too bad. The next generations' happiness lays on our shoulders. We have to act differently if we shall give the next generations a happy place to live. And when we got the technology, as we do now, we have to better the climate. We can't just sit here and play dumb.

So, I officially blame all you guys, especially those over 30, for that I will not have a white Christmas.

Please, can't you spare the climate for me? I want a white Christmas!