News: I'm Weird

OK, now it's "out of the bag". Or the closet (?). The psychologist is finishing. He got a new job somewhere else (I know I'm not nosy enough to know where, and it kinda irritates me), and he's done by the end of April.

You know what? I'm kinda glad he's getting a new job. Because that means I don't need to be so "obsessed" thinking about when to stop having sessions with him. Still, I told him about the "I wanna leave"-thoughts, and he seemed somewhat worried. Yeah, my life is quite crappy sometimes, but I really don't need him to worry as well as me being afraid of what I'm capable of doing and whatnot.

Well, now right before he's quitting his job, we're sort of speed dating. Or if you ask me, that's the best thing to call it. Put in it whatever you want, but we're just seeing each other rather often right now (because I'm weird and have weird thoughts, and need to talk to somebody about my problems). So, yeah... Need to say no more.

Now (surprise, surprise!), I'm a very weird person today. And I use way too many parentheses in this post... And this is becoming more and more random.

Anyhow, I've been thinking about this with religion and stuff. This winter break, when my brother and I visited our grandparents in their cabin near Trysil, Grandpa said something. "You've already chosen what you believe in," he told me on the way to the airport. Oh, I have? And you're the one to decide so?

Maybe I get why he thinks as he does regarding homosexuality. In his mind your sexuality is something that can be changed (I'm not going to go further on this subject and include the bi's, transsexuals and other queers), and apparently he thinks you can just choose what you want to believe in. Is it so? Can you choose? I don't think you can. You might deny what you believe in, but I don't think you can choose if you got faith and can believe in God or not. Of course people might shift between religions; Religions is so much more than old books and gods. Still, that little thing regarding believing can't be changed. That's what I say.

And who chooses their religion or faith as brutal as he wants it to look like? Sometimes I just feel the situation with him is just hopeless. As if you believe your plant is this close being dead, even though you've done everything to keep it alive. It really irritates me that he thinks he knows everything about me, and that he can say he knows I've chosen when I don't even know it myself. Screw him. Though I bet you it's definitely not easy.

My grandfather is my plant. When am I going to learn that he can't be "saved" from his own hell. He's even decorated the whole thing! Yes, my grandfather is my plant. Or the weed around me. I bet the last.

Church

I went to church today... For some reason I ended up in some kind of church today. And I wish I never did.

So, way before Christmas, a friend of mine asked me if I would come with her to a meeting at a local congregation. As several of my friends, family and acquaintances, she's quite a conservative Christian, with a somewhat old-fashioned view of the world. My father has for quite some time now wanted me to go to one of the congregation's meetings, putting this particular friend as an example. So I accepted. I could possibly learn something new, and some other friends of mine (both more liberal (and some atheists)) were coming too.

What I've heard about the meetings varies a lot. Some love it, others find it weird and/or crazy. But I've always tried to stay positive when it comes to religions, as long as it's not affecting me too much. And yes, religions, and then especially Christianity, has caused me a lot of problems. Still, I try to stay as positive as possible, and not judge. Because I've also seen religions make people happy. And as long as my friends are happy, I don't bother too much about their religious beliefs.

Anyway, I knew I had nothing else to expect than a little dose of craziness. And crazy it went. Kind of. Or, as crazy and weird as this kind of meetings can get. But I would never have expected my reactions. No matter how brainwashed they were, and I can (somewhat) take brainwashed, when they started to sing... I just felt the need to cry. Because never have I've been reminded more of my background than the moment they started singing about how God is supposed to be a savior. And when people raised their hands for some sort of praise to God or something... No, I was totally overwhelmed.

There's something with Christianity that makes me shudder. I feel so uncomfortable with the praising and believing. And what they sometimes end up saying... No, I just think it's horrible. It puts you under a lot of pressure; In this tiny little box where you're supposed to live, breathe and survive. And every single time I end up thinking about Christianity, my sexuality comes to mind. Because for a lot of Christians here have a problem with the true me...

But when I see how some of my friends' faces lights up the minute they hear something read from the Bible; Or that their smile is almost stopping them singing because they smile so brightly. That's what's making me surprised, but happy for these friends. Because as long as they're happy and somewhat healthy, I want them to be themselves. No matter how crazy their opinions might seem.

Maybe that's one of the things that breaks my heart when I try to place myself in a Christian setting... No, I don't know. But I wish it was different. I don't like to judge, not me, nor anyone else.

Phrase of wisdom: Happiness can create hell.

Christmas News Letter

Tomorrow is December 22nd. Which means that (if everything goes as planned) I'll be at my grandparents within 24 hours. And because I for some reason am scared to death, I now can't sleep. Not so "yaygay"...

I've been thinking about this Christmas and what I think will happen for way too long now. To be honest, I really don't want to sit in my mother's car tomorrow for a whole day thinking about Christmas and my family (and the combination of those). Believe it or not, but I think sitting in front of a web cam on the other side of the globe saying "Hi!" through Skype would be more pleasant than this. Of course, I can't predict the future. Maybe there won't be any conflicts between me and everyone else. Still, my head will be too close exploding.

The thing I'm most scared of is that I'll accidentally say something I should've kept for myself. "What if they ever find out?" is a thought I'm almost too scared to think. Still, almost every day I feel a want to just scream it out loud to everyone. Release the pressure on my shoulders to be as stereotypical straight as possible, so I won't ruin both my parents' and my life because I'm not acting "normal". Today I've given up being normal, because I know it isn't possible, but I still feel I do something wrong every single day I don't wear make-up. And when I stare too long at a hot girl on the street and am about to say "Damn, she's hot!", I break off a piece of my heart.

Grandpa has it as a tradition to write a Christmas news letter every Christmas. Then he puts a lot of focus on his grandchildren, also known as my cousins, my brother and I. This year's letter was just e-mailed from him to me; A one-page, nicely done letter where he's made a short summary of this year, now only with two and a half weeks left. And it hurts. Of course he had to mention my confirmation. Did he last year? No. But he did this year. Nothing big or anything, but just the fact that he even mentioned it hurts. He shouldn't have been a part of it. It just hurts, no matter how weird it sounds.

If I come out this Christmas... Will he mention it? If I marry a woman one day, before he passes away, will he mention it? "This summer Sunniva and 'Katelyn' had a wonderful wedding at the beach in sunny California." Really realistic, girl...

He'll abandon me. Just as my grandmother, my father, my mother (because of my grandparents (or she'll be abandoned with me)), and a bunch of my friends. No, I can't predict the future. But being afraid of your own family and your family's plausible actions is really not good.

I'm sorry this is so long, negative and over-sharing. And I totally have to bring this to the psych. Whatever. I need strengthen right now, through sleep. Lack of sleep makes the best of us a bit sad, or what? I don't know.

Acting 'Till Death Brings You Home

Now, it's soon to be Christmas. And I've been blogging for a freakin' whole year! A horrible year filled with negative thoughts. But I think it's getting better. We'll see.

Anyway, now it's soon to be Christmas. I'm kind of in the spirit now. But what is Christmas really about? Christmas is about love, joy, traditions, happiness and family. And peace. Do I feel it? Nope.

I'm driving across the country two days before Christmas Eve to celebrate with family I'm not sure I love. This Christmas will be spent with an inner tension, and I'll have to try to control myself from saying anything wrong. I'll try to be on the good path with them, control my anger and my feelings, be "me". And hopefully I'll be able to.

It's a scary thought that I have to be even more "perfect" now in the Christmas time than usual. Living on a lie all the time sucks. I want to be me. But I can't pull it through. Because I'm not going to risk my home, family and life situation to be me. Or at least not yet. That's too much to take in one handing, because I'll have to add my life where I'm myself (which is not that enjoyable all the time) in addition to the totally new situation between my family and I.

Acting can be fun. But not all the time, where the acting is your whole life. I wish I could be the real me, where I don't have to act to be like others want me to be. But acting is a survival action - survival of the fittest. So when you're not the strongest, you have to act that you are.

Relaxing Techniques

Now, take a breath. Relax. Shoulders down, smile with both mouth and eyes. Don't talk too fast. And no hateful comments.

I think I might write this down on post-it's all over my room before Friday so I won't ever forget. Because relaxing methods are important when you're about to spend 72 hours with half of your family surrounded. Especially when you two weeks ago told your mother that you don't think your grandfather deserves your love and caring. At all.

This is a time I'm very glad I get to talk about my problems with a psych that doesn't know me. And when I think about that I have to spend the whole holidays with my grandfather and the rest of my mother's family, I just want to hide under a blanket and stay there. I just don't like them. They've poisoned my life.

Why they're so bad? Because they can't see nor understand that I'm not a Christian. Not so complicated, after all. Or, they do it complicated. Ruining it all. And no, I don't hold anything bad against Christianity. I know a lot of wonderful people that happen to believe in God and Jesus. And I respect my friends, whatever their beliefs, as well as they respect me. So why can't my family just respect me and love me for who I am?

I've asked myself that last question a lot of times. I can't find any good answer, though. So now I've ended up with a "whatever"-attitude. Whatever. I don't care whether they love and respect me or not anymore. But I do care about what they say to me and what they act like. If they act like idiots, I care. I get angry.

So now I'm angry. And confused. But that be. At least I have two great cousins. So I'm going to enjoy next weekend to the fullest with my loving, respecting and fantastic cousins, trying to not get too angry and bitchy around the rest of them.

Take a deep breath.

Election Day

So I did it. I voted!

Here's the thing:
In Norway there's a Lutheran church (run by the government) who got election at the same time as the political election. I'm a member of this church (because my parents enrolled me when I was a baby), and since I'll be 15 this year, I can vote in the church election (but not in the political one, though). And even though I don't consider myself as a Christian, I voted.

Now I know several people will say I'm "using the church" and "not a true Christian". Both of this is true, but who can say the church hasn't used me as well? I never wanted to become a member; This was just decided by my parents when I was born. So why can't I vote? I just did my duty as a citizen.

Actually I agree with those who says I shouldn't have voted. But I did. The reason is that when I am a member, I want to do what I can to make (what I think is) positive changes in the church, and steer it in a liberal direction. That isn't as bad, right? I did it for a reason.

I'm happy I voted. I think I did the right thing. Now my biggest hope is that other people did as well, based on some of the same thoughts as me. And who knows? Maybe Norway will end up with a church that (for once) supports everyone.

The Bible Says

OK, so I finally told someone that I'm gay. Or, I added her on Twitter, and she found my blog. Which, I believe, might have been quite a shock. I don't know, because I kind of haven't got the guts to talk about it face to face with her. But we'll see, and now she might even read this (which scares me to hell).

Well, me on my way out of the closet isn't that exciting to read about (if any of my thoughts are), but my thoughts about religion and parts of my biological family. Because several persons in my family disagree the way I've chosen within religion.

To understand the whole thing there's some things necessary to know about my family:

* My grandfather was a minister, and even though he used to be preaching in a Protestant church he's doing a good time being Catholic in mind and soul.

* Dad's against abortion, gay rights and researching on stem cells, and a "true Christian."

* There's several others that's more than "a bit" Christian as well, but using a day writing about them ain't worth it.

Anyway, in Norway most of the 15-year-olds "confirm" their faith to God. There's thankfully other options as well, without the Christianity part. So I chose one of those options, against my family's will. Still I got it through. Well, after several weeks learning about religion, love, respect and so on, there was a celebration to celebrate me becoming an adult. Almost everyone in the family came, people held speeches for me and so.

Gramp have been going against it all the way (and he's probably praying for me getting "cured" as well), but I didn't care. In the party he held a speech, pointing out all the Christianity around me and so on. And he gave me a bible. Seriously? When I've tried for months saying I'm an Agnostic, he's giving me a bible!

The sad thing was that he kind of ruined my day. I was about to cry when he gave me it. But that's how it goes.

Peace & Love, You Know

I've always been fascinated by religion. Even though I don't believe in any God, I think both the history, the traditions and, of course, the beliefs are exciting. There's so much more than just thinking there's something or someone watching over us. But I also find it strange that a very big percent believe in things they've never ever seen or felt in any other way. Especially when major causes where someone says something strange happened, and it can be clarified by science.

No, I'm not against religion or anything. Here where I live, there's a lot of very Christian people. I don't judge. And they're also doing a lot of good stuff to the community. If you want and example, they give children and youth a place to hang out, and teach them a lot of good stuff too.
What I don't like, and I don't care whatever religion the person(s) have, is when he/she/they try to push their religion on others, nor when they judge people. That's just sad.

I've heard a lot of good stories about religious people who survived a rough time with their religion, and that their religion actually saved them from doing horrible things, like taking suicide, do drugs, and others. But I've also heard about cases where religion just made things worse. Everything has several sides. That's just how it is. If we didn't have any religions, we might not have so many wars, but people having a bad time might not get out of it without having anything to rely on and find solace in.

But the big problem, I think, isn't religion, but accepting. If everyone could try to accept each other, things would be so much better. I don't say you should be OK with anything, but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, how bad could it be? Acceptance is the key to peace. That's my final thought.

Please, everyone: Accept each other! Give and get, you know, the Golden Rule and all. Have mercy and acceptance, and the world will be a better place.