Now, it's soon to be Christmas. And I've been blogging for a freakin' whole year! A horrible year filled with negative thoughts. But I think it's getting better. We'll see.
Anyway, now it's soon to be Christmas. I'm kind of in the spirit now. But what is Christmas really about? Christmas is about love, joy, traditions, happiness and family. And peace. Do I feel it? Nope.
I'm driving across the country two days before Christmas Eve to celebrate with family I'm not sure I love. This Christmas will be spent with an inner tension, and I'll have to try to control myself from saying anything wrong. I'll try to be on the good path with them, control my anger and my feelings, be "me". And hopefully I'll be able to.
It's a scary thought that I have to be even more "perfect" now in the Christmas time than usual. Living on a lie all the time sucks. I want to be me. But I can't pull it through. Because I'm not going to risk my home, family and life situation to be me. Or at least not yet. That's too much to take in one handing, because I'll have to add my life where I'm myself (which is not that enjoyable all the time) in addition to the totally new situation between my family and I.
Acting can be fun. But not all the time, where the acting is your whole life. I wish I could be the real me, where I don't have to act to be like others want me to be. But acting is a survival action - survival of the fittest. So when you're not the strongest, you have to act that you are.
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
I'm Scared
I'm freakin' scared.
So... I'm back at the psych tomorrow. Which is terrifying. Last time I sat in that red chair I was stiff as a statue, could barely speak, and didn't really know what this actually means. So why am I even going?
Difficult things sucks. I really don't want do this. Discussing my life, my love, my person - me. Can't I just leave it alone? What if I just quit? Because I am a quitter, after all. And I can quit whenever I want. But why not?
It's not worth it. Quitting wont make it easier. It will probably just make it harder. Living on an eight all the time is worse than living on a ten sometimes, and five other times. But it wouldn't hurt if everything was a bit easier.
Maybe I'm not a quitter after all... Really, I don't know. But I know I'll try my best not quitting therapy (I can call it that now, right?) before I'm over this mess. Try my best. Doing what I'm supposed to do, what I'm asked to do. And right now I feel both myself and the rest of the world wants me to continue. Make it better for myself. And for everyone else.
I'm not going to quit. Still, I'm more than a little confused. Talking is really scary, confusing and bad at the same time. But I'm not going to quit.
Want to be scared with me?
So... I'm back at the psych tomorrow. Which is terrifying. Last time I sat in that red chair I was stiff as a statue, could barely speak, and didn't really know what this actually means. So why am I even going?
Difficult things sucks. I really don't want do this. Discussing my life, my love, my person - me. Can't I just leave it alone? What if I just quit? Because I am a quitter, after all. And I can quit whenever I want. But why not?
It's not worth it. Quitting wont make it easier. It will probably just make it harder. Living on an eight all the time is worse than living on a ten sometimes, and five other times. But it wouldn't hurt if everything was a bit easier.
Maybe I'm not a quitter after all... Really, I don't know. But I know I'll try my best not quitting therapy (I can call it that now, right?) before I'm over this mess. Try my best. Doing what I'm supposed to do, what I'm asked to do. And right now I feel both myself and the rest of the world wants me to continue. Make it better for myself. And for everyone else.
I'm not going to quit. Still, I'm more than a little confused. Talking is really scary, confusing and bad at the same time. But I'm not going to quit.
Want to be scared with me?
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Talking About It
I wish I was out to everyone. Or that I could come out to everyone. But at the moment I can't.
The last half a year I've lost friends. I just stopped talking to them, stopped being with them. I kind of isolated myself from the world. And I regret. I wish I wasn't that a bitch that escaped from her friends just because she had some bad days. I don't want to be like that.
What if I one day would just knock on the front door at one of my friend's house? Just ask her whether I could talk with her. Tell her I'm gay, that I like girls, or just say "Girl, just so you know: You can have your boys for yourself as long as I can have my girls." If life was that easy...
Yesterday I was about to yell "I'm gay!" into the living room. Still, I didn't. Because I'm a big wimp too afraid to be myself. That sucks. And when writing about it: I can barely say homosexual and gay in Norwegian. That's how accepting I am towards myself; I can't say what I am, not to myself nor to anyone else.
High five for being gay and super-not-accepting!
The last half a year I've lost friends. I just stopped talking to them, stopped being with them. I kind of isolated myself from the world. And I regret. I wish I wasn't that a bitch that escaped from her friends just because she had some bad days. I don't want to be like that.
What if I one day would just knock on the front door at one of my friend's house? Just ask her whether I could talk with her. Tell her I'm gay, that I like girls, or just say "Girl, just so you know: You can have your boys for yourself as long as I can have my girls." If life was that easy...
Yesterday I was about to yell "I'm gay!" into the living room. Still, I didn't. Because I'm a big wimp too afraid to be myself. That sucks. And when writing about it: I can barely say homosexual and gay in Norwegian. That's how accepting I am towards myself; I can't say what I am, not to myself nor to anyone else.
High five for being gay and super-not-accepting!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Political Parties
I'm seriously up to get involved in politics. Like in a political party. But I just have to find out what party to join... That will be hard.
My Dad's very active in the local KrF (Christian People's Party*), but they're way too conservative for me. I think I'll end with Venstre (Left*), SV (Sosialistic Left*), Ap (The Workers Party*) or Rødt (Read*). But I don't know. And that's what I have to figure out now.
The things I think is important, is education, economics, environment and equality. And this is what I think about each of it:
Education:
* Longer school days with free warm school meals every day and many clubs and activities on school, making school a place to come together.
* Better learning environment and better teachers.
* More parted teaching, easier for "smart kids" to learn new stuff and not getting bored to death.
* A new and proper school revolution.
Economics:
* Using more of our oil funds' money to better schools, hospitals and other communal agencies.
* Help poor countries to develop by learning, not cold hard cash.
* Play a bigger part in the world's economics.
Environment:
* More and higher taxes on pollution.
* Play a bigger part in global environmental issues.
* Bigger resources to scientists working on environmental issues and solutions.
Equality:
* Better education on minorities at school, such as immigrants, the LGBTQ community, and people in different parts of the community.
* More open debates.
Now I see why there are so many argues at home...
*Directly translated, I have no idea what they would be called if they had English names. I just know they're pretty liberal all of them.
My Dad's very active in the local KrF (Christian People's Party*), but they're way too conservative for me. I think I'll end with Venstre (Left*), SV (Sosialistic Left*), Ap (The Workers Party*) or Rødt (Read*). But I don't know. And that's what I have to figure out now.
The things I think is important, is education, economics, environment and equality. And this is what I think about each of it:
Education:
* Longer school days with free warm school meals every day and many clubs and activities on school, making school a place to come together.
* Better learning environment and better teachers.
* More parted teaching, easier for "smart kids" to learn new stuff and not getting bored to death.
* A new and proper school revolution.
Economics:
* Using more of our oil funds' money to better schools, hospitals and other communal agencies.
* Help poor countries to develop by learning, not cold hard cash.
* Play a bigger part in the world's economics.
Environment:
* More and higher taxes on pollution.
* Play a bigger part in global environmental issues.
* Bigger resources to scientists working on environmental issues and solutions.
Equality:
* Better education on minorities at school, such as immigrants, the LGBTQ community, and people in different parts of the community.
* More open debates.
Now I see why there are so many argues at home...
*Directly translated, I have no idea what they would be called if they had English names. I just know they're pretty liberal all of them.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Peace & Love, You Know
I've always been fascinated by religion. Even though I don't believe in any God, I think both the history, the traditions and, of course, the beliefs are exciting. There's so much more than just thinking there's something or someone watching over us. But I also find it strange that a very big percent believe in things they've never ever seen or felt in any other way. Especially when major causes where someone says something strange happened, and it can be clarified by science.
No, I'm not against religion or anything. Here where I live, there's a lot of very Christian people. I don't judge. And they're also doing a lot of good stuff to the community. If you want and example, they give children and youth a place to hang out, and teach them a lot of good stuff too.
What I don't like, and I don't care whatever religion the person(s) have, is when he/she/they try to push their religion on others, nor when they judge people. That's just sad.
I've heard a lot of good stories about religious people who survived a rough time with their religion, and that their religion actually saved them from doing horrible things, like taking suicide, do drugs, and others. But I've also heard about cases where religion just made things worse. Everything has several sides. That's just how it is. If we didn't have any religions, we might not have so many wars, but people having a bad time might not get out of it without having anything to rely on and find solace in.
But the big problem, I think, isn't religion, but accepting. If everyone could try to accept each other, things would be so much better. I don't say you should be OK with anything, but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, how bad could it be? Acceptance is the key to peace. That's my final thought.
Please, everyone: Accept each other! Give and get, you know, the Golden Rule and all. Have mercy and acceptance, and the world will be a better place.
No, I'm not against religion or anything. Here where I live, there's a lot of very Christian people. I don't judge. And they're also doing a lot of good stuff to the community. If you want and example, they give children and youth a place to hang out, and teach them a lot of good stuff too.
What I don't like, and I don't care whatever religion the person(s) have, is when he/she/they try to push their religion on others, nor when they judge people. That's just sad.
I've heard a lot of good stories about religious people who survived a rough time with their religion, and that their religion actually saved them from doing horrible things, like taking suicide, do drugs, and others. But I've also heard about cases where religion just made things worse. Everything has several sides. That's just how it is. If we didn't have any religions, we might not have so many wars, but people having a bad time might not get out of it without having anything to rely on and find solace in.
But the big problem, I think, isn't religion, but accepting. If everyone could try to accept each other, things would be so much better. I don't say you should be OK with anything, but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, how bad could it be? Acceptance is the key to peace. That's my final thought.
Please, everyone: Accept each other! Give and get, you know, the Golden Rule and all. Have mercy and acceptance, and the world will be a better place.
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