Now, it's soon to be Christmas. And I've been blogging for a freakin' whole year! A horrible year filled with negative thoughts. But I think it's getting better. We'll see.
Anyway, now it's soon to be Christmas. I'm kind of in the spirit now. But what is Christmas really about? Christmas is about love, joy, traditions, happiness and family. And peace. Do I feel it? Nope.
I'm driving across the country two days before Christmas Eve to celebrate with family I'm not sure I love. This Christmas will be spent with an inner tension, and I'll have to try to control myself from saying anything wrong. I'll try to be on the good path with them, control my anger and my feelings, be "me". And hopefully I'll be able to.
It's a scary thought that I have to be even more "perfect" now in the Christmas time than usual. Living on a lie all the time sucks. I want to be me. But I can't pull it through. Because I'm not going to risk my home, family and life situation to be me. Or at least not yet. That's too much to take in one handing, because I'll have to add my life where I'm myself (which is not that enjoyable all the time) in addition to the totally new situation between my family and I.
Acting can be fun. But not all the time, where the acting is your whole life. I wish I could be the real me, where I don't have to act to be like others want me to be. But acting is a survival action - survival of the fittest. So when you're not the strongest, you have to act that you are.