My photo
I'm a girl at 15 from Norway. This blog's just for complaining to the world and write about my life. Just so you know. Yeah, and I got some words of wisdom once and a while which may interest you. Enjoy!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Feelings. Weird Feelings.

Note: I don't care whatever the time is. This is life.

OK. This has been a day. A freakin' weird day. Or, not really actually, it's been more amazing. Because guess what, I said it! I freakin' said it! "I'm a lesbian" came out of my mouth today. And not to a total stranger over the phone, but to people in real life.

I haven't written it yet (or I might've spammed those of you who're on Twitter with it), but I managed to say "I'm a lesbian" to this Monday. Over the phone to a lady in Oslo. OK, I could've called a helpline or something. But that was definitely not what was happening. Because I called in to the host of a youth radio show. And then I went on air. Saying I am a lesbian.

How freakin' amazing ain't that?! It sounds really weird, I'm totally aware, but I still see it as a tremendous step for me to be able to say that word. Monday February 15th 2010 is the date I came to acknowledge myself, and to be true. Because that's the date when I really came out to myself.

Now, that's not what happened today. This is six days after. But today I was finally able to come out to some of my friends. Me and some of my friends (including one of the two good friends who's actually reading this (Hi!)) gathered to watch a movie and just hang out, and after a few (also known as a million) talks about it, me and the friend who knows about this whole mess decided that today would be a day to come out to people. So I did! I don't know how, but I did.

After the movie was finished, my friend suggested that we should all talk about our crushes, just to make me more uncomfortable so I would actually come through with this. And I promise you, even before this she sent me a billion looks to make me start with this thing. But there we sat, and everybody told who they has/had a crush on, one by one. Then it got to be my turn.

"Ehm... I don't know..." I first tried. Then one of my friends thought me and a guy we met at project week had a really good connection, so she (of course) "accused" me of liking this guy. No good luck with that, though. Then, after discussing this way too much (not for a long time, though), I said: "There's something I want to tell you guys." Not too many listened way too carefully what I was saying (it's not like I'm shouting "I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!" when it's about stuff like this), so my friend was just like "SHE WANNA TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING!" to get everyone's attention.

My lovely mind was just blank for a second, and then I tried going with "I'm...". And at last I said it. That last sentence sounds weird in my head, but whatever. I freakin' said it! So now I'm the lesbian in the bunch who can tell if a wannabe-cool-blogger is sexy or not. Works for me!

No, but really, it was a frightening experience. But I'm glad it's all over. Still, just imagining I'll have to do this for way too many times kind of bothers me. But you got to live with it. We all have our struggles. It's very scary though, to know that now there's way more people who knows who I really am. But now I can be more and more myself. And that I'm grateful.

It's a weird feeling.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


This Monday was crazy... Like, 110% crazy. Unbelievably crazy.

Skeiv Ungdom came to visit us this Monday. Three queers, one guy and two girls, came and talked about being gay, diferency and gender roles. I know two of them...

Actually I wasn't freaked out all the way, the whole class. Just a bit; A minor feeling haunting me. But it wasn't that big of a deal. And she I've been talking with kept her promise of not telling anyone or acting out anything that can "spill my secret". Quite professional, if I'm to say something about the experience. But I was terrified afterward, and I walked out of the room with a heart beating faster and harder than in quite a some time...

Still, no matter how much I tried to not do anything, keeping it as normal, I had to say something after class to them. "You did great" was the only thing I managed to say, before I walked fast towards the door, with a "Thank you" in my right ear. I still, two days later, can't understand how I managed to not freak totally out. How I stayed somewhat calm (at least on the outside) is a mystery to me.

After school, I thought I should go and say "Hi" to them. I didn't. I was just freaked out, and didn't know what to say. And I was so scared anyone would ever see me talking to them. No, if I'm to come out, I'll do it my way. But I survived, thankfully.

About coming out: I'm thinking about it. Like, not to my family or anything, but to a couple of more friends (hopefully to all of them). Monday was also a day where I actually did come out to a guy who's kinda interested in me. It's come to a point where it's not so sweet and innocent anymore, so I thought I should just tell him that I "hang with the people from Skeiv Ungdom too". Not a lot of reaction from him, but we'll see...

Anyways, If I'm to come out at school, I think I have to talk with my former teacher first. I don't want to end up being the odd gay girl who's just found weird by the teachers. Of course most of the teachers are totally OK. No matter what I want to talk to her about it, because she was the one who had to deal with me when I was a crazy girl last school year. And I want to tell her, because I've sort of promised her that once or twice.

But if I'm going to come out at school, I have to make a plan. There's no chance I'm ever going to tell my family about my "extravaganza" before I'm out of their house, hopefully economically independent. I'm just scared a couple of birds will spread the rumor and let anyone of them hear it. I'm tired of living a lie, but sometimes honesty can be worse than lies.

I don't know. Let's gather the troops and make a plan!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Gays And The Lesbos - Organized

It's Saturday. Two days until it's Monday. Mondays are scary. You kinda never know what's gonna happen. Though, if you're not a psychic, you can't know what's to come any other days either. I can't. And you probably can't either.

This Monday to come is even more scary than usual. Because our school is going to be visited by Skeiv Ungdom, an organization for LGBTQ youth. And I know her, the person coming. Because I've met her. At an Skeiv Ungdom event. Because I'm freakin' gay, and in the closet.

I'm kind of excited, though. Because I guess it's going to be interesting to really get to know someone's history. I know a lot of histories, though. But that hasn't made it easier for me, I guess. I'm still here though - queer, halfway in denial and not exactly loving myself. But you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Or in 1 3/4 day.

Damn, she knows me! If I met her almost anywhere else than at my school, I would totally say "Hi!" to her. But this is in school. I'm not really ready to come out. And even though a lot of people know someone who's gay, I don't. That's kind of weird. And it's kind of freaking me out that I now know, and that it gets this close to me. Once it was in the city, far from all of my family and friends, and I could leave whenever I wanted. This Monday it will, for a sudden, be right in front of me, in my "real" life.

I'm glad my school get visited though. And Norway is a great country regarding that, because there's a lot of freedom here. The gays and the lesbos can get organized, and they get financial support from the state. And we learn about sexuality at school. But it's scary. I'm living a double life, one where I'm straight and all good, and one where I'm the real me. But on Monday they'll kind of meet.

Maybe I'll say "Hi!"... We'll see. I can't predict the future.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

My Little Gay World

This is crazy. Or, my life is crazy. At least a little. Or maybe it isn't, I just want it to be. And I use it as an excuse for not blogging the last couple of weeks.

Actually, I don't need an excuse. I'm the one deciding. And I decided to not put a post up because I've really felt like crap these past two weeks. You just know when you should just lock yourself inside your room and listen to music and not torturing other people with your own shit. I really don't. But I (sort of) did this time.

But here I am. Once again. I'm torn into pieces. I'm a total mess, as usual. Or... It's actually moving forward. I'm learning to accept myself for who I am. But it's going slowly. And it's not easy at all. Anyway, this is what's been going on:

I told one of my close friends that I'm seeing a therapist. She's OK with that, and she didn't begin to dig down deep into why. But I also found out she doesn't "approve" homosexuality. Yes, I've known her for quite some years now, and I know she isn't that a liberal person. Her beliefs set quite a standard for her, so I'm not surprised to finally find out what she really thinks. And even though she isn't accepting gays at the moment, I know that she is a person who can see good in people. It kind of hurts when I know one of my closest friends dislike homosexuality, but I can live with it.

Another friend of mine also got something to say regarding gays. From earlier experiences I've discovered that she got some strong opinions on certain subjects, but I actually haven't heard her criticize homosexuality before to this date. But today she told me, as well as her best friend (being there with us), her stands on gay marriage. As about everyone in her church she's against. No surprise after all, but I didn't expect her to say that a person's sexuality can be changed.

For my friend to say that all gays, including me, can change, really hurts. Changing a person's sexuality is in my eyes not possible. And when you get that thrown into your face, no matter if you're out or not, that's just... No, I don't like it. But I was so happy when her best friend, who's also a friend of mine, said that you "really can't change it. You're just born that way." But as said, I know some of my friends, and a whole bunch of my family, aren't accepting homosexuality. Yes, it hurts. But I can't sit on that the rest of my life. I got to build my own life, and live it how I want it to be.

So, except the gay bashing and a mentally roller coaster ride, I've been talking with the psych again. Well, I guess this is the major thing causing the roller coaster, but whatever. You get the point. Anyway: This Tuesday I was at the psych again. I had, as the time before, promised myself that this was the day I would say "I'm gay" to somebody. And guess if that happened? Nope...

It's getting better, though. I actually said "I like girls" like 10 times in one session! For me that's almost unbelievable. But I did it. And it actually released some of the weight on my shoulders. I'm not sure if that is how it will be - that my stress/anxiety level will be at this point or lower for the rest of my life - but hopefully I'll not end up as horrible as I've been the last couple of weeks ever again. Still, I don't know how it will go, but maybe I got a somewhat more positive view on it all now.

A little side note on the psych: Today, in studies class, my teacher came up to me. She was the one I had to tell I'm seeing a psychologist so I won't have to tell my parents, and she's been acting weird and over-caring since. And that's been quite annoying. But what she told me today, that's not annoying at all. That's just freaky.

"So, are you still seeing the psychologist? I haven't seen you skip school in the last couple of weeks..."
she said to me.
"Yes, I got some sessions after school."
"OK, then. I guess that's for the best..."
"Yeah... Sure." And no, I was not to mention that I'll skip an hour and a half in 14 days. You're to take every day as it comes, right?
"Is it OK to talk to 'Henry' then?" my teacher keeps on.
"Yeah... Guess so..."
"You know, I know him, you see. And he's very easy to talk to." And no, I did not know that...
"Well, I guess there's a reason he's a psychologist..."
"Sure, but it's not everyone it's as easy to talk to."
"No, guess not," I finish.

Scary! And I thought I had stopped thinking all conspiracies, because that's what's for the best... Apparently that's not a fact. Because I've actually thought about that. He could know someone I know as well. And that's scary. And freaky.

Well, it's just to wait for the future to tell what will happen... Sorry about writing miles, but this might become my self biography someday. And that book got to be with some pages!