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I'm a girl at 15 from Norway. This blog's just for complaining to the world and write about my life. Just so you know. Yeah, and I got some words of wisdom once and a while which may interest you. Enjoy!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

In Shock

I'm in shock right now. All the feelings from 1,5 years ago, when I was depressed, are now coming back. I just saw him, my former therapist. And, in the irony of life, I've seen 10 episodes of In Treatment the last couple of days. And today, while walking to the supermarket just half an hour ago, I saw him. Fuck.

My therapist was a good guy. I really, really liked him. But honestly, I'm frightened right now. Not because he did anything odd when I saw him, but just because. You know, I had major panic attacks every time I had to go to his office. It was just... I don't know. Scary. He did great, but I still can't get over the fact that it all scared me loads.

I was walking. Down the last little hill before I you get to the supermarket. There were some cars coming up the hill, with some space in between. Just at a sudden, I saw a familiar face in the car. I always follow every car I pass on this way with my eyes, and I smile at them. Suddenly I realized who I saw. I couldn't believe it. I don't even know how to put this happening into words. But yeah. He smiled, I think. I don't know if he knew who I was, but maybe. I'm not sure if I've changed much in 1,5 years, I really don't. But suddenly I was like "Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Fuck. What do I do now?" And then I had to relax myself, telling me to breathe and not to panic. Yeah, that worked fine...

Damn, I won't get depressed again now! I was thinking about seeing the school councilor at UWC, but I don't know. I'm fine, ain't I? There's nothing wrong me, right?

No, I'm not sure. I am fine, I trust you. But still. My relationship with father sucks, and yeah. But I don't know. I've come to believe that all artists have to be a bit mad. I'll easily confess that I'm a bit mad, but still. Is there anything more? I don't know. See, on one side I'd like to be really happy and to have no problems. On the other side I won't let that ruin my possibilities of becoming a great artist and performer. No, I don't know.

Don't freak out, Sunniva, you'll be okey.

Until We Bleed covered by Meghan Tonjes

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

To Everyone Who Dislikes Homosexuality

So, I'm off to UWC! My life has improved dramatically since whenever I posted last time. I just wanted to say that. Starting August I'll spend the next two years at a fantastic school: Armand Hammer United World College of the American West. You should definitely check it out! The Norwegian homepage of the UWC organization is this, and my school's homepage you can find here. Now go take a look, darling!

Armand Hammer United World College of the American West (UWC-USA)

Now that is what I call a school!

Anyhow, when at UWC I know I'm going to meet people who dislikes or just hate homosexuality and homosexuals. As I'm gay myself, it will hurt when someone might say "You're a sinner!" right at my face. But when you start being unfriendly yourself in such a situation, you'll never get anywhere. That's why I'm doing the opposite.

"Why are you gay? I don't like that. It's unnatural, and I won't accept it!"
"Well, I accept you. It's OK for me that you don't like gay people. But can you say that you don't like me, although you barely know me? If you try to get to know me, and you still don't like me, that's fine with me. My goal in life isn't to be liked. My goal in life is to be me and to be free. If you want to get to know me, despite the fact that I fall in love with other women, I'd really like that. But I hope you won't judge me right off because you found out that I'm gay, and just leave it with that. Try to get to know me, and find out if I'm as horrible as you believe."

Live in peace, not hate.

Claude Debussy - Arabesque No 1

Saturday, February 19, 2011

That Fucking Blood

I know you people don't see me often, but whatever. I got a life. Impressed? So yeah. I'm sorry, I don't want to be mad at you. I just want to be mad at someone. Do you know who's stupid? My father. He's kinda a dickhead. And as I'm way too gay, I'm allergic to dickheads. Is me+father=good then true? Didn't think so either.

Sometimes my father just gets on my nerve. He can be so arrogant, and I bet he believes he's just the good the world needs. Mind you, I know how stupid this sounds like. Everybody hates their parents sometimes. But when you go angry to bed for the fourth time this week, there's something wrong. It can't be right at least. He does deserve my harsh words to come.

OK, what is really wrong with him? Well, he believes he's this superb environmentally friendly person. Which he's not. The only reason he can find for actually dividing the trash into paper, plastic, food and waste is because of his wife, who for some reason actually cares. Maybe she just wants to be a "good" person. But whatever. My stepmother is cool enough, at least sometimes. She's not worth caring that much about, at least not right now. Anyways, why does my father even try to care about the environment? Except that his wife might think he's more sexy while throwing the paper into the paper basket, he's got no reason. Maybe he wants to please me? Nope. Not everything is about me, you know.

Another thing that makes my father stupid, is how he interacts with his (step-)children. He wants to be oh so good, say positive things to them and be nice. He sounds so fake. Believe me, he won't exactly win an Oscar in the nearest future. Not even Juilliard could make him good. He's untruthful, and don't even care whether he says something that makes sense or not. It's just... wrong. Sorry.

What I wish the most that my father would do better, is to not pick the wrong fights. He can talk half an hour with my little brother because he (understandably enough) doesn't wish to kill himself in the form of school. My little brother is amazing, I tell you that. But of course he shouldn't do nothing but school when he's only in 8th grade! He is 13 for God's sake! But my father still doesn't think my brother is doing good enough. He is. He doesn't even know it himself, but he sure is.

When a parent is arguing about a chocolate or a school assignment, instead of caring about what really is the matter, that is a problem. That's what my father does. It just makes him look stupid. Even I believe he's stupid now.

My father makes me hate him. It's not my fault. And I hate my "blood connection" to him. Even though he's my biological father, doesn't mean that he acts like a father should. And while I've got way too much to do, and can't be home to take care of my brother so much, I feel scared. Scared for what my baby brother fears, what makes him sad in life. I know that he also has a problem with dad, in some way or another. If I could only be around him as much as I wish, and look after him. My brother is my love. All I fear is him not being OK.

Maybe I'm scared of my father. Or maybe I just hate him. One or the other. I want to tell him I'm gay. But he doesn't deserve it. He really doesn't deserve it, at all. He's just stupid. Fuck him.

Do I need to talk to somebody again?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Teardrops falling on my head

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do

Right now I'm listening to Morning Bell/Amnesiac by Radiohead. There's this... Wooden drum, or maybe a bass guitar. In the far background. It sounds like heartbeat. If my heart would beat that ordinary, I would be amazed.

I carry a lot of shit. A lot of baggage. For some reason. There is a reason, of course. But it's a curse, so don't tell anyone. I still try to cry sometimes. It isn't very efficient, I can trust you. Maybe I'm only able to cry when there's somebody around? Actually, I can fake to cry. But I can't gather my mind and lose a tear or two.

I. Am. Happy. Did you know that? Fuck, now it seems as if I believe everybody reading this is stupidity himself. I'm sorry. But I am happy. At least when the world is somewhat good. I think I like being happy. It's somewhat comforting. But who cares for me now? I can't seek attention by being happy all the time. Or, I can get attention, but... You don't get that feeling when others feel sorry for you. I'm not even sure if I like that feeling. But I kinda miss being depressed. Bad sign?

Oh, what crap I've been writing down for the past two years. Scenario after scenario... Which none of then ever happened. Maybe for the good, though.

I'm messaging with this girl. She's really cool! And we actually have things in common (you didn't see that one coming, did you?). It feels good to have that. I think I'll call it friendship. You don't have to physically meet a person to be friends, right? No. She's a good person.

Every day is a day, no matter what. No matter what. I want to write a movie script.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


The Las Vegas skyline, copyrighted

Maybe everything is a lie. Maybe we aren't who or what we are. Maybe it's just not how the world is supposed to be put together.

Fuck it. I can't remember how it is to be depressed. Or, I do know how it feels like, I just can't say whether I'm depressed or not right now. That is the problem. Knowing is always the problem. It's not just enough to think, to believe. You have to know the truth. At least that's how I work. Nothing can be proved right or wrong, but you have to know to be certain.

Maybe it is so that the depression is just something that comes every late autumn and stays for a while? If the world wasn't that confusing... Then I might survive another winter. With snow. And Christmas. And family. What a joy that would be. Well, not really...

I don't want it to get back onto me. The suicide thoughts. The bad habits of not doing anything, feeling anything or being anything. I want to survive this winter. Right now, today, there are so many things to actually be here for. Be me for.

I don't want to cry.
I don't want to not be able to cry.
I don't want to feel unworthy.
I don't want to be silent.
I don't want to open the car door when my grandfather is driving.
I don't want to be afraid.
I don't want to lie to myself.
I don't want to be helpless.
I don't want to not wanting to feel.
I don't want to loose my great support.
I don't want to suppress my feelings.
I don't want to not being able to smile.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to act cold and heartless.

I don't want everybody else to feel sorry for me.

I wonder how it is to be a victim of incest.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

So Lucky

I didn't think life was this hard. It is, though. Or. This Friday my whole class went on a sleepover together. It's weird. Because they respect me. I could go to bed at 11.30 PM – live my life.

I came out to 23 of my 25 classmates this Friday. We had this game where you had to tell a secret for every Smarties you ate, and the type of secret depending on the color of the Smarties you took. Red means "love". And of course I had to pick a red one.

"Hm..." I said. At first everybody was talking and stuff, but at last the ruler of the game got everyone to shut up. "OK," I continued, "My name is Sunniva, and I haven't thought any heterosexual thoughts in two years." Everybody went silent. Silence. My point of telling my name in the beginning was to be funny, AA meeting lookalike. That didn't happen...

I was just like "What the fuck?", because nobody said anything. It was just silent in the room, and everybody looked shocked. Didn't they understand? Shit. Shit, shit, SHIT!

Somehow the ice was broken, and people started asking me things and stuff. Praising... something, I answered and stuff. But everybody was shocked, and that's what shocked me as well. When I came out to my friends, they didn't look that shocked. Trust me, it was bad. But hilarious while looking back.

God, I'm glad it's over. I've been thinking about coming out to my class, because I want to be true to myself and everybody around me. But I didn't want it to be like "Now we have to be serious, and I'm going to tell you my biggest secret ever!". No, I wanted it to fit, and it did. I'm glad. Really, really happy.

Sometimes the world doesn't end, even though you might think otherwise.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Feeling Close To Nothing

Hi y'all. How you doin'? Oh, I'm fine, thank you. Smileyface.

A new chapter of my life started three weeks ago. I started at a new school, with completely different people. My real life started. My true life.

I'm really, really happy. Because that school is like magic. I think that if I didn't attend exactly this school, I'd be really depressed right now. Really. But every day these new 25 people in my class make me smile. I just have to. Because they're worth it.

Still, the happiness isn't real. Because every day I think that there's something wrong, something that shouldn't be. For some reason. First day of school I asked my new teacher where to go to be assigned to a psychologist. The first day. The first day of the new life. The new beginning. But I think I couldn't have done otherwise. That would've been stupid.

I feel there's something missing. Because when I think really, really hard on what my life contains while on the train at 7.15 in the morning, I can't find the positive. Or, I can find the positive, but I can't find the positive life. It hurts, I can assure you. Maybe it's just how it's supposed to be.

Is this how I was thinking and acting before? Because I sometimes feel this great deja vĂș. It might not be the case, maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be, but maybe it isn't. And that's why I wanted help. I don't want my new life to start with sorrow and negativity. I think I was brave, though.

The answers I find don't seem reasonable. Because I have no idea what is happening anymore. Maybe that is a sign from my brain to seek help. At least I managed to do so. I follow my heart. At least sometimes. I hope it is worth it.

I might be in love. Because she is really cute, pretty and lovely. She's actually kinda perfect, even though I realize she ain't. But I really like her. Did you know I've never had a boy- or girlfriend? Like, a romantic relationship. That's what it's called. And I'm a virgin, and I haven't ever been drinking. For me that is courage and truthfulness.

Did you know that if you take the first sentence in all the sections above (except the first one of course) make out a poem?

A new chapter of my life...
Started three weeks ago
I'm really,
Really happy
The happiness isn't real
I feel there's
Is this how I was thinking and acting before?
The answers I find
Don't seem reasonable
I might
Be in love

I like it. At least a little. I don't know what to do with myself. I cried today. Because I read some of what I wrote here on the blog for about half a year ago. I was totally broken. Devastated, horrified, scared.

The worst part is that I miss it. A little too much.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


You people deserve a happy blogpost. You think you get it? Get excited, because you might! Yeah, I'm not gonna join the commercial business (hopefully)...

The Only Exception - Paramore

You know what? I. Am. Happy. Yes, I said it: I am happy. Now you might think "What the heck?!", but trust me: I'll be back to normal tomorrow. Probably. Yeah, I don't know. But that's what I'm used to; My life brings ups and downs, the key is to manage to live with them. God, I really sound like a psychological mess...

Yeah, that was the thing I was thinking about. Happiness. Why am I happy? Because on Monday, three and a half days from now, I'll start a new year. A new decade as well. Maybe. Because I'm starting at a new school, in a new city, with new people and new meanings. Stavanger Cathedral School, that's the school. Hopefully it'll make miracles happen. Hopefully. You never know.

I'm so excited! After about 6 years of boredom in the public school system, I'm finally starting a "real" school. Yes, it is a public school, but it's a real school. A good school. Different. Hopefully people are weird, funny, a bit crazy, and really smart. Something similar to me. God, what a school! I'm excited.

Fuck, if the school sucks, I'm finished. Really. But it would be a sensation if it does. Suck, I mean. Because all the evidence says it doesn't. So... No, but I'm excited. I don't give a shit that I got to take the train for half an hour each way every day. I don't care! Because that school is in my heart. Yeah, and I gotta prepare to live in the real city where you have to take the subway for half an hour on your way to Uni or work. It's called life. In the city, I mean.

Yeah, I am happy right now. I just got to find out what to wear. You know what? I might have some sort of eye for fashion. Yeah, what a shock. But I might, I tell you. So... Let's hope this school year won't suck. I don't even care if you pray for me, as long as you don't tell me. You won't get that permission very often, so if you care about that sort of stuff, you better get at it right away.

I'm gonna sleep now. Sometimes I'm such a 25 year old. Like, a teenager and smart at the same time. Kind of. OK, bye now. Now this sounds like a conversation on some sort of IM. Why didn't AOL become popular in Norway? Whatever. This is how I think when I'm about to fall asleep.

I still love that song. It's on repeat. Thanks, honey, for wanting me to learn it to you on piano. Sweet dreams.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

We Are All Weird

21 Guns - Green Day (American Idiot Cast Version)

This is my I-feel-horrible-and-need-some-emo-music-to-get-over-it-all music. It's pretty fabulous, right? When in New York in the end of June, my family and I saw this amazing musical where the song's taken from. I still love it. Their version of Before the Lobotomy was fabulous too, and very touching. But yeah... I suck at changing subjects.

Now I'm listening to Die Polizei - Kaizers Orchestra. You should check it out on Spotify, YouTube or wherever. It's lovely. Even though you don't understand all the lyrics (it's in three different languages all at once; Norwegian, German and English), it just is. Really, really good.

I really haven't told you anything except throwing my sappy songs over you. You're trapped, and then you vanish. I wonder how it is to forgotten. To not exist, even though you do. It must suck.

You know what? I hate my father. Right now I really, really hate him. Even more than I hate my grandfather. And it ain't easy to hate anyone more than I hate my grandfather, at least not when he hasn't done that much of a damage to the world. Or, at least not to the world's world. But he's destroyed my world. They both have, really.

Does anyone know what's almost as hypochondria, but you're afraid of something bad happening instead? Maybe it's just anxiety... But that's what my father's got. Or so I believe. He thinks I'm going to die of a heart attack when I'm swimming across a rather small lake. With a life jacket. Right next to my cousin at 14, also covered in a life jacket. Yep, anxiety.

But now I'm happy, no matter how emotional this music is. Talking to hilarious friends via Facebook chat is just genius. Politicians are the funniest. At least those in my liberal, loveable Venstre (Left). No, now I ended up happy. Well, that's good, I guess. Thank god.

Did you know I'm creative? I think I'll post my US holiday video here when it's done. It's played with this amazing piece of music in the background. Love it.

Listen to it here

Kids - MGMT

Cool though.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Horny (My Apologies)

Being horny makes me so fucking happy! Like, it's just to get it on, and I'll smile and be confident. Me like.

Fuck, now I regret writing that. So, for the next half an hour I'm gonna pretend I don't know anyone of you reading this, even though I know too many of you... Yeah.

Seriously, I could need a girlfriend right now. Not just for sex, no seriously, just for having that special one. But lonely wolf ain't got anyone. Fuck. Didn't I mention I swear too much when I write? Honestly, I almost never swear. At least not in Norwegian. But when you're writing to yourself in English, I bet it's kinda like having a split personality. Yeah, interesting...

But yeah, the case: I want love. Or at least a crush. And right now it seems like I'm the only one within the radius of a couple of miles that ain't got no girlfriend. Not that I know that many people that are looking for any girlfriend, but you get what I mean. Damn. Do you notice I'm kinda happy right now? It's not a super-mega-terrabyte serious post, this one. Or, maybe it is. Maybe I'm just fucking up my feelings (not the dirty way, you pervert) and compressing them into a small little box so I can be happy for once.

Yeah. I told you I end up happy when I'm horny. I just saw this weird, but still cool (and very, very sexy) movie this evening.And Then Came Lola. It's very weird, and I kinda ended up being very angry at the maker because she used repetition (ain't that what I'm doing as well when I make these slide show/movie type o' things?) all the time. Annoying. But I still couldn't leave it.

That probably says more about me than the movie... (Get a life, girl!)

So... Anymovie. I'm so confused. Wait, I can't talk about mental problems when I am in this state condition. That sounded weird. What I was saying (now for the third time...), is that I wish I had a girlfriend. Why ain't I got a girlfriend? Well... I'm probably too dorky, nerdy and weird for that to happen. But I can wish, right? Okay, that sounds even more weird. Fuck.

I'll keep my hopes up for Upper Secondary. When I say that, I really sound young. I am young. I'm not more than freakin' 15. But I think like I'm 25. Or... Not today. Yeah, split personality... Let's gather around and pray that HMSunnyMH will have a girlfriend in the nearest future. Maybe I should become a Christian. Yeah, now I really sounds like an annoying teenager. Fuck.

OK, I'm done with this. Now I'll listen to my sexy (though mostly weird) French music. Welcome to my life... This song is really sexy, though. It's musical porn. Yep, I invented that. Now get a life, you reader. Or writer. I bet I said it mostly to myself. I'm so cool; Talking to myself, and even writing to myself for everyone to read.

Over and out.

The sexy music, by the way (I bet you've heard it before, but I just heart this song, haha):