We Are All Weird

21 Guns - Green Day (American Idiot Cast Version)

This is my I-feel-horrible-and-need-some-emo-music-to-get-over-it-all music. It's pretty fabulous, right? When in New York in the end of June, my family and I saw this amazing musical where the song's taken from. I still love it. Their version of Before the Lobotomy was fabulous too, and very touching. But yeah... I suck at changing subjects.

Now I'm listening to Die Polizei - Kaizers Orchestra. You should check it out on Spotify, YouTube or wherever. It's lovely. Even though you don't understand all the lyrics (it's in three different languages all at once; Norwegian, German and English), it just is. Really, really good.

I really haven't told you anything except throwing my sappy songs over you. You're trapped, and then you vanish. I wonder how it is to forgotten. To not exist, even though you do. It must suck.

You know what? I hate my father. Right now I really, really hate him. Even more than I hate my grandfather. And it ain't easy to hate anyone more than I hate my grandfather, at least not when he hasn't done that much of a damage to the world. Or, at least not to the world's world. But he's destroyed my world. They both have, really.

Does anyone know what's almost as hypochondria, but you're afraid of something bad happening instead? Maybe it's just anxiety... But that's what my father's got. Or so I believe. He thinks I'm going to die of a heart attack when I'm swimming across a rather small lake. With a life jacket. Right next to my cousin at 14, also covered in a life jacket. Yep, anxiety.

But now I'm happy, no matter how emotional this music is. Talking to hilarious friends via Facebook chat is just genius. Politicians are the funniest. At least those in my liberal, loveable Venstre (Left). No, now I ended up happy. Well, that's good, I guess. Thank god.

Did you know I'm creative? I think I'll post my US holiday video here when it's done. It's played with this amazing piece of music in the background. Love it.


Listen to it here
Kids - MGMT

Weird.
Cool though.

Waiting

This Christmas won't be as it used to be. For sure.

I wish I could run around the house singing "I'm Coming Out" with Diana Ross. I wish I could say "Damn, she's hot!" whenever I want. I wish I could talk about all the awesome people I've met at the gay youth club in the city. But I can't. Because my grandfather is a freaking priest!

This sucks. This Christmas sucks. I'm stuck with my conservative Christian family on the other side of the country, far away from my friends. Every day I have to think carefully through everything I'm to say, write or do. Even what I am to think. No matter what is happening, I have to keep myself from saying anything wrong.

I've never been to prison. My knowledge about being in prison is equal to zero. That's why I can't say that this is like prison, for sure. But I've got fantasy. And my fantasy tells me that prison is like being trapped, both physically and mentally. Claustrophobic, and no way to escape, no matter how much you try. It's just to wait until it's all over. If that is how prison is, I feel like I'm in prison right now. And it sucks. But all I can do is to wait for it to go over.

Someday it's all over, right? That little hope for it to end some day, that's what's keeping me up. But for how long?

This Is How It Goes

Tuesday was my fourth time at the psych. It's still scary. Fucking unbelievably scary. But it's OK. I think and hope and believe I get something out of it talking to this guy, so...

But it's really hard. Especially when talking about things I wish would never ever be said a word about. Still, I gotta stay strong, right? And, however stupid and cliche it sounds like: I'm not doing it just for myself. It's OK to not be happy all the time, but sometimes it gets too much, just causing pain on everyone else.

Both last time and this Tuesday he asked me how I feel about going to him and talk. I said I really think it's scary, but I'm OK with it. It's better talking to him than not talking to anyone, after all. So he asked me why I am afraid coming. "Is it because it's scary talking about certain subjects?" he asked. Couldn't do anything else than confirm that. But who ain't afraid of that? No, I'm not comfortable talking about my sexuality. Sorry, but that's just how it is...

I didn't tell him that I don't like talking about that, though. But of course we had to discuss it eventually. I could feel every muscle in my body tighten. My eyes looked around fast to find a safe spot to look at when he said the word 'lesbian'. I was just so scared.

Later that session he pointed out to me that I got more tense when talking about certain subjects. He could see it. But that's what you learn taking psychology at university, right?. Still, it's quite scary. That a person can read you like that (even though it might have been quite easy to spot, after all). Yes, I do it all the time (social heritage), but I tend not to say anything. Because it's freaky. Especially when you don't want anyone to know, which you usually don't. Scary and freaky...

Can I make that an argument not to go? That it's scary to talk about stuff, and that I'm freaked out when he "reads" me? No, seriously. Keep up tough, right? I gotta make me my own pep talk tonight. Or at least before next session.

I'm not used to open up to people. Maybe that's what's scary, bottom of the bottle. At the moment I'm not quite sure. But opening up is scary. Right? But I'll do good. Get my ass down there in two weeks as I did this week. Try to talk about it as good as I can, hoping (and wanting) to do better.

So this is to say something about how talking to the psych is doing. Because it's hard explaining what we're talking about, and so that I can sort things out and put it in perspective. Just to look at the whole thing.

And yes, the tissues are still to be used. I don't cry easily.

Emotionally Crazy Ride Or Something

OK. Now breathe.

Yesterday I was talking with the nurse again. Alone. And I'm... Well, I think it's hard to talk about the whole gay issue (because it is now) in Norwegian. The words seem wrong, nothing really fit with my thoughts, and everything's just wrong. Which sucks. Big time. And I have no idea what to do.

So we talked for about 45 min (which is crazy long). Discussing everything, I guess. But it was like I didn't knew what to say because I didn't quite knew how I feel at the moment. So I kind of ended up pulling out a lot of shit, and blah... This is probably the first time I'm not quite sure how to express myself at all; The language(s), the words, the meanings, the feelings. Nothing's working right now concerning words. Not even written.

But still: I definitely see that I'm happier now than two weeks ago. So even though my thoughts are going crazy in my head, I've talked about it. And I see that writing can help, but talking in general can help more. Because for me it's way more personal to say something than writing something (even though I put my soul into my writing).

What scares me the most is if the nurse doesn't take me seriously (but I think she does). No, I have no idea what she can really do to help me. I don't see any solution. But somehow it is helping. Just getting everything out.

What is bad about this talking thing (except the fact that I'm lost in the world of words) is that I don't really know why I ended up at the nurse's office in the first place. No, I'm not happy with my life. I don't like to be gay. I'm scared. But is that the key to happiness? To not be scared anymore? To fully accept the fact that I'm gay? Will I see the good sides of life then? Or is it something else?

There might be something else. I've had some struggles in my life. But who hasn't? Why am I the sad girl, not someone else? Why am I in the emotional cellar?

All I want is to find out what's going on. Yes, I have been psychoanalyzing myself quite a few times (social heritage, don't blame me), but I can't find the root to this mess.

Blah. Self-psychoanalyzing sucks. Especially when it's me about me. Any idea what to do? What to say? I guess she thinks (or that's what my friend and I told her) it's all about the gay thing. Honestly, I don't know.

Anyway, she talked about sending me to this guy named Fredrik. I think he's a shrink or something. Psychologist. Can I say I hope she does? Because I do.

As said before: Shrinks and psychologists should not have kids. Or at least not with each other. Because they're crazy.

The Big Talk

I've had some problems with myself the past half a year. Now I kind of know what it's about. Before I didn't. And with my personal problems, I've also had a bit of problem with my homeroom teacher. It's not like she's mean or anything, it's just me.

So we have kind of a chat with our homeroom teacher twice a year or something where we talk about how it's going, both socially, personally and at school.
At Monday it was my turn to talk to my homeroom teacher. In November, at the same type of thing, I told her I was having some trouble. She asked: "In what sort of way?" And I, rambling through my head to come up with something, cause I would never tell her the fact that I'm having identity problems (or not as in sexual identity), wasn't able to say anything else than religion. There I was, telling her about my confirmation (a thing where we "study" religion outside school (and those who go Christian talk a lot about Christianity and the Bible)), not being accepted by my family and all. Then she told me that she's a member of HEF, an organization for atheists and agnostics. And this time we talked more about that.

The point is that I just can't get myself to tell her something like "I'm gay," because:
* The words will not come out of my mouth in Norwegian. And I will not start talking English with her just out of the blue.
* I'm not sure.
* I'm sorry, but I'm a bit ashamed.
* Does she even have anything to do with it?
* I don't want to be all "OMG, I have problems! So many!! HELP ME!!!"
* Yes, and I'm a bit afraid she won't care. And talk to everybody about it. (Even though I know she won't.)

I really wish she would just ask me. She knows there's something up, just not what. And when I miss lead her with religion and all, it's not helping. Jeez...

Life ain't easy...

Peace & Love, You Know

I've always been fascinated by religion. Even though I don't believe in any God, I think both the history, the traditions and, of course, the beliefs are exciting. There's so much more than just thinking there's something or someone watching over us. But I also find it strange that a very big percent believe in things they've never ever seen or felt in any other way. Especially when major causes where someone says something strange happened, and it can be clarified by science.

No, I'm not against religion or anything. Here where I live, there's a lot of very Christian people. I don't judge. And they're also doing a lot of good stuff to the community. If you want and example, they give children and youth a place to hang out, and teach them a lot of good stuff too.
What I don't like, and I don't care whatever religion the person(s) have, is when he/she/they try to push their religion on others, nor when they judge people. That's just sad.

I've heard a lot of good stories about religious people who survived a rough time with their religion, and that their religion actually saved them from doing horrible things, like taking suicide, do drugs, and others. But I've also heard about cases where religion just made things worse. Everything has several sides. That's just how it is. If we didn't have any religions, we might not have so many wars, but people having a bad time might not get out of it without having anything to rely on and find solace in.

But the big problem, I think, isn't religion, but accepting. If everyone could try to accept each other, things would be so much better. I don't say you should be OK with anything, but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, how bad could it be? Acceptance is the key to peace. That's my final thought.

Please, everyone: Accept each other! Give and get, you know, the Golden Rule and all. Have mercy and acceptance, and the world will be a better place.

Snowy Christmas, You Think?

I was checking the local weather forecast on a Norwegian website called yr.no, because there have been freezing outside, -2 degrees in Celsius. Or, where I live that's freezing. So I wondered if there would be any snow the next couple of days. No... Because apparently there's not supposed to snow in the wintertime here. Every winter there's 5 degrees and rain. All day, every day. So there haven't been a white Christmas since forever or something. But about 50 years ago, every Christmas had snow. Now they don't, thanks to climate changes.

About snow; I love it. Skiing is one of my favorite hobbies, and I also enjoy figure skating. But where I live, I can't do that. Or, we have skating arenas, but no frozen lakes or anything. And that sucks...

Those who doesn't live in Norway, often thinks that Norway is all white from the middle of November till March or something. Sorry guys, we don't. But some parts of our country is snowy most of the winter, but that's north for Trondheim and in the mountains.

Well, I can blame it on someone, everyone. The climate is the problem. Most of us don't care too much, and especially not doing anything. That's sad, because we're ruin our world. The past generations didn't know too much what the causes would be when they started using motors and alike, but after a while, when the research started, they got to know. Now we even know more, but do we do anything? Nope. And that's too bad. The next generations' happiness lays on our shoulders. We have to act differently if we shall give the next generations a happy place to live. And when we got the technology, as we do now, we have to better the climate. We can't just sit here and play dumb.

So, I officially blame all you guys, especially those over 30, for that I will not have a white Christmas.

Please, can't you spare the climate for me? I want a white Christmas!