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I'm a girl at 15 from Norway. This blog's just for complaining to the world and write about my life. Just so you know. Yeah, and I got some words of wisdom once and a while which may interest you. Enjoy!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

So Lucky

I didn't think life was this hard. It is, though. Or. This Friday my whole class went on a sleepover together. It's weird. Because they respect me. I could go to bed at 11.30 PM – live my life.

I came out to 23 of my 25 classmates this Friday. We had this game where you had to tell a secret for every Smarties you ate, and the type of secret depending on the color of the Smarties you took. Red means "love". And of course I had to pick a red one.

"Hm..." I said. At first everybody was talking and stuff, but at last the ruler of the game got everyone to shut up. "OK," I continued, "My name is Sunniva, and I haven't thought any heterosexual thoughts in two years." Everybody went silent. Silence. My point of telling my name in the beginning was to be funny, AA meeting lookalike. That didn't happen...

I was just like "What the fuck?", because nobody said anything. It was just silent in the room, and everybody looked shocked. Didn't they understand? Shit. Shit, shit, SHIT!

Somehow the ice was broken, and people started asking me things and stuff. Praising... something, I answered and stuff. But everybody was shocked, and that's what shocked me as well. When I came out to my friends, they didn't look that shocked. Trust me, it was bad. But hilarious while looking back.

God, I'm glad it's over. I've been thinking about coming out to my class, because I want to be true to myself and everybody around me. But I didn't want it to be like "Now we have to be serious, and I'm going to tell you my biggest secret ever!". No, I wanted it to fit, and it did. I'm glad. Really, really happy.

Sometimes the world doesn't end, even though you might think otherwise.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Feeling Close To Nothing

Hi y'all. How you doin'? Oh, I'm fine, thank you. Smileyface.

A new chapter of my life started three weeks ago. I started at a new school, with completely different people. My real life started. My true life.

I'm really, really happy. Because that school is like magic. I think that if I didn't attend exactly this school, I'd be really depressed right now. Really. But every day these new 25 people in my class make me smile. I just have to. Because they're worth it.

Still, the happiness isn't real. Because every day I think that there's something wrong, something that shouldn't be. For some reason. First day of school I asked my new teacher where to go to be assigned to a psychologist. The first day. The first day of the new life. The new beginning. But I think I couldn't have done otherwise. That would've been stupid.

I feel there's something missing. Because when I think really, really hard on what my life contains while on the train at 7.15 in the morning, I can't find the positive. Or, I can find the positive, but I can't find the positive life. It hurts, I can assure you. Maybe it's just how it's supposed to be.

Is this how I was thinking and acting before? Because I sometimes feel this great deja vĂș. It might not be the case, maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be, but maybe it isn't. And that's why I wanted help. I don't want my new life to start with sorrow and negativity. I think I was brave, though.

The answers I find don't seem reasonable. Because I have no idea what is happening anymore. Maybe that is a sign from my brain to seek help. At least I managed to do so. I follow my heart. At least sometimes. I hope it is worth it.

I might be in love. Because she is really cute, pretty and lovely. She's actually kinda perfect, even though I realize she ain't. But I really like her. Did you know I've never had a boy- or girlfriend? Like, a romantic relationship. That's what it's called. And I'm a virgin, and I haven't ever been drinking. For me that is courage and truthfulness.

Did you know that if you take the first sentence in all the sections above (except the first one of course) make out a poem?

A new chapter of my life...
Started three weeks ago
I'm really,
Really happy
The happiness isn't real
I feel there's
Is this how I was thinking and acting before?
The answers I find
Don't seem reasonable
I might
Be in love

I like it. At least a little. I don't know what to do with myself. I cried today. Because I read some of what I wrote here on the blog for about half a year ago. I was totally broken. Devastated, horrified, scared.

The worst part is that I miss it. A little too much.