Honestly

The Las Vegas skyline, copyrighted

Maybe everything is a lie. Maybe we aren't who or what we are. Maybe it's just not how the world is supposed to be put together.

Fuck it. I can't remember how it is to be depressed. Or, I do know how it feels like, I just can't say whether I'm depressed or not right now. That is the problem. Knowing is always the problem. It's not just enough to think, to believe. You have to know the truth. At least that's how I work. Nothing can be proved right or wrong, but you have to know to be certain.

Maybe it is so that the depression is just something that comes every late autumn and stays for a while? If the world wasn't that confusing... Then I might survive another winter. With snow. And Christmas. And family. What a joy that would be. Well, not really...

I don't want it to get back onto me. The suicide thoughts. The bad habits of not doing anything, feeling anything or being anything. I want to survive this winter. Right now, today, there are so many things to actually be here for. Be me for.

I don't want to cry.
I don't want to not be able to cry.
I don't want to feel unworthy.
I don't want to be silent.
I don't want to open the car door when my grandfather is driving.
I don't want to be afraid.
I don't want to lie to myself.
I don't want to be helpless.
I don't want to not wanting to feel.
I don't want to loose my great support.
I don't want to suppress my feelings.
I don't want to not being able to smile.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to act cold and heartless.

I don't want everybody else to feel sorry for me.



I wonder how it is to be a victim of incest.

Fun In The Sun, Or In The U.S.

I want to travel. Far, far away, without my parents. Just me, maybe another good friend or two, but none I'm not able to be myself around. That would be great, even without a lot of money except the plane ticket.

I know pretty much where I would have traveled, what I would do, and with whom. It would probably be around in the US, all over the country. With whom I won't tell you, but they're both two of my best friends.


First of all we have to visit New York City. And go to the Mac store. That's the number 1. But when you're in New York, there's a lot of other things to do: Jog in Central Park + a picnic in the middle of the day; Shopping in SoHo, Greenwich Village and in smaller streets all over Manhattan; Dine in Little Italy; Go to a musical (Sound of Music, Chicago or Hair?); Gay Bar, and maybe get to see some vogue; Ellis Island; and just wandering around in this lovely city.

Another thing I would love to visit Detroit. Just for fun, since I, to be honest, have no idea what to do there... But thanks to Google/visitdetroit.com I found out there's a Motown museum there, and that's a place I have to go!

Anyway, my father has told me it's pretty cool to take the train through the desert across the country in a two-floor thing with a window in the roof at the top where there's beds. I hope that's still a reality, because it seems quite interesting to sleep in a train in the middle of the desert looking into the sky all night long. So, from Detroit to San Fransisco it goes!

San Fransisco has been a dream destination for a while now, with a whole lot I would love to see. Yosemite park is a must. Other things would be to go to Pier 39, the Alcatraz Island, and maybe try out California's Great America. Visiting Ripley's would also be fantastic, and California Academy of Science seems to be such a incredible place. And if there's a chance for me to get to try out rafting again, I definitely will!

Even though I have been in Los Angeles twice, I was just a child, so to get there when I'm old enough to remember everything would be great. In LA there are Hollywood + the Walk of Fame, the Guinness Museum, Disneyland and bathing, pretty much everything important!

Last, but not least, San Diego Pride. That would be awesome, and a perfect ending. And then it's just to head back home (or stay and start at college or something).


I know it's just a dream, but if I'll run over a lot of money once... No, but still. Being off for vacation with friends in stead of family would be great. Just staying cool and relaxed, and most importantly having fun! Sometimes you have to enjoy yourself, right?