Crazy...

This Monday was crazy... Like, 110% crazy. Unbelievably crazy.

Skeiv Ungdom came to visit us this Monday. Three queers, one guy and two girls, came and talked about being gay, diferency and gender roles. I know two of them...

Actually I wasn't freaked out all the way, the whole class. Just a bit; A minor feeling haunting me. But it wasn't that big of a deal. And she I've been talking with kept her promise of not telling anyone or acting out anything that can "spill my secret". Quite professional, if I'm to say something about the experience. But I was terrified afterward, and I walked out of the room with a heart beating faster and harder than in quite a some time...

Still, no matter how much I tried to not do anything, keeping it as normal, I had to say something after class to them. "You did great" was the only thing I managed to say, before I walked fast towards the door, with a "Thank you" in my right ear. I still, two days later, can't understand how I managed to not freak totally out. How I stayed somewhat calm (at least on the outside) is a mystery to me.

After school, I thought I should go and say "Hi" to them. I didn't. I was just freaked out, and didn't know what to say. And I was so scared anyone would ever see me talking to them. No, if I'm to come out, I'll do it my way. But I survived, thankfully.

About coming out: I'm thinking about it. Like, not to my family or anything, but to a couple of more friends (hopefully to all of them). Monday was also a day where I actually did come out to a guy who's kinda interested in me. It's come to a point where it's not so sweet and innocent anymore, so I thought I should just tell him that I "hang with the people from Skeiv Ungdom too". Not a lot of reaction from him, but we'll see...

Anyways, If I'm to come out at school, I think I have to talk with my former teacher first. I don't want to end up being the odd gay girl who's just found weird by the teachers. Of course most of the teachers are totally OK. No matter what I want to talk to her about it, because she was the one who had to deal with me when I was a crazy girl last school year. And I want to tell her, because I've sort of promised her that once or twice.

But if I'm going to come out at school, I have to make a plan. There's no chance I'm ever going to tell my family about my "extravaganza" before I'm out of their house, hopefully economically independent. I'm just scared a couple of birds will spread the rumor and let anyone of them hear it. I'm tired of living a lie, but sometimes honesty can be worse than lies.

I don't know. Let's gather the troops and make a plan!

The Gays And The Lesbos - Organized

It's Saturday. Two days until it's Monday. Mondays are scary. You kinda never know what's gonna happen. Though, if you're not a psychic, you can't know what's to come any other days either. I can't. And you probably can't either.

This Monday to come is even more scary than usual. Because our school is going to be visited by Skeiv Ungdom, an organization for LGBTQ youth. And I know her, the person coming. Because I've met her. At an Skeiv Ungdom event. Because I'm freakin' gay, and in the closet.

I'm kind of excited, though. Because I guess it's going to be interesting to really get to know someone's history. I know a lot of histories, though. But that hasn't made it easier for me, I guess. I'm still here though - queer, halfway in denial and not exactly loving myself. But you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Or in 1 3/4 day.

Damn, she knows me! If I met her almost anywhere else than at my school, I would totally say "Hi!" to her. But this is in school. I'm not really ready to come out. And even though a lot of people know someone who's gay, I don't. That's kind of weird. And it's kind of freaking me out that I now know, and that it gets this close to me. Once it was in the city, far from all of my family and friends, and I could leave whenever I wanted. This Monday it will, for a sudden, be right in front of me, in my "real" life.

I'm glad my school get visited though. And Norway is a great country regarding that, because there's a lot of freedom here. The gays and the lesbos can get organized, and they get financial support from the state. And we learn about sexuality at school. But it's scary. I'm living a double life, one where I'm straight and all good, and one where I'm the real me. But on Monday they'll kind of meet.

Maybe I'll say "Hi!"... We'll see. I can't predict the future.