I'm Tired = I Can't Feel

Warning: This is a "My life sucks" blog. Bare with me.

Yesterday... was a nightmare. Or, at least the evening was. The whole night I was walking around tired as hell. But the clock in my head says I can't just go to bed at 6PM, no matter how tired I am. So I didn't. But when the clock inside my brain told me it was time to sleep, I couldn't.

What I do when I can't sleep? Thinking about life and writing about it. So I did, but not here. To turn on the computer again wasn't that a good idea, so I wrote in my diary instead. But sharing as I am, I give you a summary here:

Sunday January 17 2010
Right now I don't feel anything. Or... I'm empty. I know for sure that I have thousands of feelings kept inside my head, but at the moment I can't find them. I was about to write that "it's so frustrating", but I can't really feel that either. I know I feel it somewhere deep inside, but knowing versus experiencing is so different.
I've read that some people, when in pain, lock out their feelings. That it's something the brain just does, so the person can keep on fighting.
People serving in conflict areas for the army is supposed to learn how to control what you feel and not, controlling the part of the brain that escape your feelings. But ex-servants still end up with post-traumatic stress...
No, feelings won't pass today.Wait; I think I'm feeling! I'm tired. That's what I feel. I'm freakin' tired.

That was my feelings of yesterday. No feelings and sleepiness.

Blah. I was tired as hell, but couldn't sleep. My head was (and still is) filled with thoughts and feelings, but I can't really feel the feelings. My brain stopped. Actually, it's still on "Stop". To hell with it. I'm sleeping now. It's half past 7 - believe it or not. Hour worth of sleeping.

No hard feelings. No feelings at all, to be more precisely.