Session Filed "Scary"

So, yet another day passed, yet another session done. Weird...

Today I was at his once again. We talked, we analyzed (I think we got our own psychoanalyzing club...), we wondered, and we talked even more. I think this session has been the longest thus far. At least it felt that way. Not so sure whether that's a good or a bad thing, but whatever.

Last time we decided that this session was to be about my family. Or, I asked if we could so. Because he kind of wanted me to be done. Poor guy, now I totally messed that up for him. Because I actually told him. That I was suicidal. Once.

I'm definitely low on sleep, and this day has been marked by that. When walking up to his office, I just had to stop for a second. I got tears in my eyes, wondering how I could possibly tell him this. The anxiety I've had before "invaded" me, and by a sudden I regret the whole thing. Why should I even care going in? But I did.

He could definitely see it. Smart as he is, he got that this was my way of showing him I wanted to tell him something. He asked. I said, "I want to tell you something, but I can't say it." So he suggested getting back to it. It's not like you're supposed to freak people out three minutes after you've met them.

We talked about my family. How my relationship with my grandfather is rather bad. How I'm terrified about my future. I don't even know if I'll have a real family around me ten years from now... Only future will tell. I really do have a bad relationship with them all. But I can't really see how it's supposed to become any better, as I've said before. If I'm to look at it myself, I'll ask if I really want any relationship with my family later in life. Maybe I feel I'm too vulnerable to manage hoping.

After a while he wanted to know what I wanted to tell him. So I spent 15 minutes trying to say it without saying it directly. In stead of sounding like it was supposed to, it sounded like I was about to say my father or grandfather raped me. Which wasn't the case. But trust me, it really sounded like that was the deal. He got it in the end, though.

"Sometimes I just wish I could disappear. Like, especially this Christmas." That's what I said, adding a lot extra, though, as I always do. But that's what I said. Then he got it. Thankfully.

I'm not going to go more into this part. My apologize, or blessing, depending on how you look at it and what's your outcome. Because I tend to be quite insensitive sometimes, and that might easily make people even more sad than this blog has already caused by it's nature. But we talked about this subject for a while, touching other things as well and putting everything into one (That sounds weird, and I'm totally aware).

Hopefully he gets me. I think he does. Though I can guarantee you I'm difficult to understand. So anything over 35% is approved. Maybe he'll let me understand how to get out of this mess I'm creating for myself. I'm crossing my fingers.

Abundance Isn't Always Good

I seriously have a bad social heritage. Both my parents are psychiatrists. "Good for the community," you might say. Well, not for me. Because every time I meet people, I try to analyze them. And I analyze every person I know. It's very... annoying. Because I've discovered that I actually am quite good at it as well. So now I have these, sometimes strange, theories about people.

Someone might say that it's cool to think this about people they know, but it's not. When I think these thoughts, I always wonder if they're true. But very often I don't get to know the answer. And when I besides of that am very curious... No good.

There's also something else caused by my social heritage. I "try" to be everyone's psychologist. For an example: If my best friend gets dumped, I talk to her, tell her that I know how she feels and stuff. Even though I've been dumped. But I kind of feel that I still know what she's going through. Or if someone doesn't understand something at school, I can tutor he or she, even though I've always kept track with what we learn on school.

Plus - I tutor my classmates. All the time. I can help them, strange enough, to understand what they're doing. When some of the teachers can't.

Yes, I am bragging. It's just that I don't always feel that my skills are in my advantage. Sometimes they just bother me. But you got to stick through with what you got.