Waiting

This Christmas won't be as it used to be. For sure.

I wish I could run around the house singing "I'm Coming Out" with Diana Ross. I wish I could say "Damn, she's hot!" whenever I want. I wish I could talk about all the awesome people I've met at the gay youth club in the city. But I can't. Because my grandfather is a freaking priest!

This sucks. This Christmas sucks. I'm stuck with my conservative Christian family on the other side of the country, far away from my friends. Every day I have to think carefully through everything I'm to say, write or do. Even what I am to think. No matter what is happening, I have to keep myself from saying anything wrong.

I've never been to prison. My knowledge about being in prison is equal to zero. That's why I can't say that this is like prison, for sure. But I've got fantasy. And my fantasy tells me that prison is like being trapped, both physically and mentally. Claustrophobic, and no way to escape, no matter how much you try. It's just to wait until it's all over. If that is how prison is, I feel like I'm in prison right now. And it sucks. But all I can do is to wait for it to go over.

Someday it's all over, right? That little hope for it to end some day, that's what's keeping me up. But for how long?

Christmas News Letter

Tomorrow is December 22nd. Which means that (if everything goes as planned) I'll be at my grandparents within 24 hours. And because I for some reason am scared to death, I now can't sleep. Not so "yaygay"...

I've been thinking about this Christmas and what I think will happen for way too long now. To be honest, I really don't want to sit in my mother's car tomorrow for a whole day thinking about Christmas and my family (and the combination of those). Believe it or not, but I think sitting in front of a web cam on the other side of the globe saying "Hi!" through Skype would be more pleasant than this. Of course, I can't predict the future. Maybe there won't be any conflicts between me and everyone else. Still, my head will be too close exploding.

The thing I'm most scared of is that I'll accidentally say something I should've kept for myself. "What if they ever find out?" is a thought I'm almost too scared to think. Still, almost every day I feel a want to just scream it out loud to everyone. Release the pressure on my shoulders to be as stereotypical straight as possible, so I won't ruin both my parents' and my life because I'm not acting "normal". Today I've given up being normal, because I know it isn't possible, but I still feel I do something wrong every single day I don't wear make-up. And when I stare too long at a hot girl on the street and am about to say "Damn, she's hot!", I break off a piece of my heart.

Grandpa has it as a tradition to write a Christmas news letter every Christmas. Then he puts a lot of focus on his grandchildren, also known as my cousins, my brother and I. This year's letter was just e-mailed from him to me; A one-page, nicely done letter where he's made a short summary of this year, now only with two and a half weeks left. And it hurts. Of course he had to mention my confirmation. Did he last year? No. But he did this year. Nothing big or anything, but just the fact that he even mentioned it hurts. He shouldn't have been a part of it. It just hurts, no matter how weird it sounds.

If I come out this Christmas... Will he mention it? If I marry a woman one day, before he passes away, will he mention it? "This summer Sunniva and 'Katelyn' had a wonderful wedding at the beach in sunny California." Really realistic, girl...

He'll abandon me. Just as my grandmother, my father, my mother (because of my grandparents (or she'll be abandoned with me)), and a bunch of my friends. No, I can't predict the future. But being afraid of your own family and your family's plausible actions is really not good.

I'm sorry this is so long, negative and over-sharing. And I totally have to bring this to the psych. Whatever. I need strengthen right now, through sleep. Lack of sleep makes the best of us a bit sad, or what? I don't know.

Acting 'Till Death Brings You Home

Now, it's soon to be Christmas. And I've been blogging for a freakin' whole year! A horrible year filled with negative thoughts. But I think it's getting better. We'll see.

Anyway, now it's soon to be Christmas. I'm kind of in the spirit now. But what is Christmas really about? Christmas is about love, joy, traditions, happiness and family. And peace. Do I feel it? Nope.

I'm driving across the country two days before Christmas Eve to celebrate with family I'm not sure I love. This Christmas will be spent with an inner tension, and I'll have to try to control myself from saying anything wrong. I'll try to be on the good path with them, control my anger and my feelings, be "me". And hopefully I'll be able to.

It's a scary thought that I have to be even more "perfect" now in the Christmas time than usual. Living on a lie all the time sucks. I want to be me. But I can't pull it through. Because I'm not going to risk my home, family and life situation to be me. Or at least not yet. That's too much to take in one handing, because I'll have to add my life where I'm myself (which is not that enjoyable all the time) in addition to the totally new situation between my family and I.

Acting can be fun. But not all the time, where the acting is your whole life. I wish I could be the real me, where I don't have to act to be like others want me to be. But acting is a survival action - survival of the fittest. So when you're not the strongest, you have to act that you are.

Trust Issues

After going to the psych a couple of times, I had to tell my main teacher about it. The first two times I was lucky enough to get appointments at days where I was to leave school earlier than normal because of tests and so, but you can't live on that. So I had to tell her that I had leave class earlier than usual because I had an appointment at the psych.

When I told her, she was like: "Are you OK?" I assured her I was, and then she asked why I was seeing a psych. "It's personal," was my comment. Because it is. And no, I'm not going to tell an irritating teacher in her fifties who is way too into the motherhood thing why I'm talking to the psych. No way.

But then I wrote this text (which I've posted earlier here) for my semester final in English. Because we have a pretty cool English teacher, who I don't really mind knowing. And no, I didn't cross fingers and toes wishing she wouldn't let the other teachers read it, because I don't really care. I would actually like it if she ever let my former English teacher read some of my texts (at least the good ones), because if she's impressed, she's really impressed. But my main teacher? Who don't even teach English...

And I didn't know that before today. Because when I, in Social where she's my teacher, said not everyone thinks writing about their feelings is easy, and that I possibly could be in that group, she was just like, "Oh, I know you can. I've read some of your texts, you see."

When that happens to others I would totally say "Burn..." And that was (clearly) a major burn. So now I know... My teachers are crazy. Or annoying. Both. But now I've definitely learned something new about some of them.

What's the purpose of reading a student's writing when you're not near grading it? She doesn't even teach English! And no, I don't care whether she's my main teacher or not; She's got nothing to do reading it!

Today's mix: Trust issues and anger problems. I bet she's psychoanalyzing me in her sparetime. Yay...!

Feminine Enough

Am I feminine enough? Clearly my mother doesn't think so. In the car yesterday, she started talking about me and my closet. She wants me to dress up in a pink dress every single day, and care about heels. I like pink (as long as it's not overly sweet and candyish), and I, believe it or not, do wear clothes of the color sometimes. Not every single day, but often enough. And heels... I care! Girls in heels are sexy. But it's not necessary to put my feet in some.

I quote, "You should dress more feminine. It's not that you don't have money, right? Because then it's just to ask. But you could definitely take advantage of some heels and a nice dress." Can I call her in for Child Services? Maybe not, but who says something like that to their child?

Seriously, she didn't mind before. And trust me, I haven't changed into a big butch last half a year. No, I've just been me. As honest as I can let myself around my friends and family. But no, I haven't dressed as a pinup lately (or ever). Still, I'm not that butch. I'm actually quite femme. So why does she at a sudden care?

And what's really the problem not being super-feminine? It's not like Armageddon will come right away if I don't wear my white dress with pink polka dots for school tomorrow. Or, maybe... I think we got a new conspiracy made!

I am who I want to be. Feminine as hell, under-the-hat butch, or androgynous as the moon.

Girls Or Gals?

So... A short one. I kind of came out to two of my friends today... Actually I don't really know what that means, but anyway.

I was walking home from the mall with two of my friends. We talked, and at a sudden they started asking me questions (because one of them does that (asking weird/awkward/serious questions) all the time, so they decided to ask me some of them as well). One of them asked me about who I've had a crush on. I tried to avoid the question, saying stuff like "Em... I don't know... People, you know." and so. But they both kept on digging, and at a sudden the other asked: "Boys or...? Or girls?"

Me being bold, I said: "Well, girls... Once." Even though I said a big fat lie when I told them I've just had a crush on a girl once, I don't really care. And then they asked about what I define myself, or what I was into (or something). "I don't know. Both?" I said. Then they both told me it was cool me admitting it and stuff, and then we started talking about something else. Like it was no big deal!

It was kind of scary, though it only took a few seconds. And I avoided the word "lesbian". Thankfully. Still, I did just tell them I'm kind of bi-curious.Which I'm kind of not... But when rushing to meet them at the mall just half an hour after my session with the psych, I thought I would be like "don't talk to me" or something. But I wasn't. I some sort of came out to them in stead. And I'm so happy for that!

Psych went good as well, and I could actually talk (a bit (aka vaguely)) about the gay thing. But we did get further, and I'm not that a big ice cube anymore. So even though I (kinda) flunked my math exam, this day was way more positive than negative. Definitely.

A good day.

Music Monday

Today is a day to drown in music. I'm going to listen to way too many songs, singing with and try to forget everything. Because music is like therapy for me.

So I was at my grandparents this weekend, celebrating my uncle's and my own birthday. It was an OK weekend with it's ups and downs, but whatever. It's to be forgotten. But I got a great gift though. I got a microphone! Like, to record music and stuff with. At least that's a plus for the weekend.

Anyway, today I'm rediscovering my music library. Some indie-pop, punk/rock and a (not too big) spoon of easy listening/soft pop will make my day. Because when you're listening to the music, you forget feeling. You forget living. Which is great! So now I'm gonna bounce around listening to some (for this soon-to-be 15-year-old) nice classics (and some new ones since I tend to easily move over to new songs).
High five for music!

Playlist:

Greenday - Holiday
Alejandro Fuentes - Tomorrow Only Knows
Bigband - Play Louder
DeLillos feat. Ida Maria - Flink
Lion King - The Lions Sleep Tonight
Empire Of The Sun - We Are The People
Kaizers Orchestra - Die Politzei
Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire
Superfamily - The Radio Has Expressed Concerns About What You Did Last Night

I'm a total music geek... Just let it pass, will you?

Regrets

Life isn’t easy
We all face challenges in our lives. Some of us are luckier than others, but whether you’re richer than Zimbabwe or live in the slum of Brasilia, you will always have problems. You might have to fight for your life every single day because you don’t have money to buy you food. Or you might struggle with your sexuality or have problems at home because your mother beats your younger brother when he can’t sleep at night. And that’s what makes us humans.

The last couple of years I’ve had problems. Not in the way that I haven’t had a place to live, or that I got beaten at home. I’m actually quite fortunate in that perspective, living in a country with good health care system and a school system where everyone is included. Both my parents are working, and I have the food and clothes I need. I must say I’m very lucky living this life. But, everyone has problems. It’s a part of life not being 100% happy all the time. Still, you’re supposed to see the good sides of life too. Not everyone does. And I’m one of them.

Depression is the word. A study said that about one out of ten adolescents have a mild to moderate depression. I don’t know if I would take it that far, but I know there are other people out there having problems like mine. Nobody’s alone, I’m sure. It’s just to see the others. But if you first end up in the bad circle, it’s hard to see that. It’s easy to look at the bad things, and forget that there are things that can be positive as well. And that bad circle is really hard to break.

But what can cause a person to end up with solely negative thoughts? How can it all end up that bad? Is a previous event relevant? Or is it more based on feelings? In my case it is more a mixture. That might be it for the majority of us. Example: You can stand being bullied once, but you usually can’t take the bullying if it happens on a daily basis. Also, when you end up with a depression, something got over the top. It might be that last hit from your classmate, or that last comment your family made about your dressing style. Or that you overheard your father talking about Caster Semenya and that he thinks she should be disqualified from the World Championship because she looks like a man, when you were about to go and tell him that you don’t feel like a woman, though you were born one. It is that last push and the negative feelings that usually do it.

I have my own reasons for not being happy. We all have. That doesn’t mean we can’t be happy sometimes. Not all the time, that’s impossible, only sometimes. But if you have too many bad feelings at the same time, you might end up in that bad circle, and you can’t see the good sides anymore. Then it is to realize. Realize what you’re really going through, see that you need help, and then seek for the help.

Seeking for help might be even worse than being in the bad circle. Maybe you have an idea of what makes you depressed, maybe not. If you think you know the answer, you might not want to realize it, even though you have the knowledge. What if your loved ones are causing you trouble? And if you don’t know, what do you do then? Will the one you try to talk to even understand?

I was directed to a psychologist when I finally got up the courage to talk with somebody about my problems. The day I took contact might have been the worst day of my life, as I was so frightened what would happen. A thousand questions ran through my head. When I first got up the courage to tell, I didn’t say directly that I wasn’t happy with life; I rather told an “excuse”, a smaller part of the whole thing. That I have problems with my family was a good enough part of the story to make the people I talked with understanding. And if you don’t know what to say, that’s what you say. Explain that you’re not happy with life, but that you don’t know what to do. They will understand. And when you finally ask for help, everything will get better.

Life is scary sometimes. I’ve faced some of the scariest parts I imagine you can fill a life with, and I still have more to come. It helps, though. Facing reality isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. And you’ll get so much out of it. I know I will, when I’ve overcome my struggles. I know that when I can take the bad sides of life, I’ll be a very strong person. Going through this will help me another day when I have another challenge in life, and it might even help others. But it is scary. And difficult. But that’s how it’s like to be a human. It isn’t easy. Because life isn’t easy.



OK, so that was what I wrote as my semester final yesterday. Now it's out here in my not-real life as well as in my English teacher's hands. "A very strong text! Your English is excellent!" is what she said about it. But still, I think I shouldn't have done it. I really shouldn't have written about the psych.

So now I regret. Damn, how great! They shouldn't know it, right? Why should they? I go to the psych now and then, and then I give my main teacher a note from the psych because mom and dad don't know. There was no point in writing about it so another teacher of mine would know, and if she reads it loud in front of the other teachers (which they do sometimes) everyone will know. Every freaking teacher in 10th might know by now!

This was not supposed to happen.

Psychoanalyzing On A Higher Level

This day is both a failure and an improvement. We had semester finals in English today, where we was to choose between 5 different tasks to write about. I (of course) chose the one where you should write about something challenging you in life at this time, and I wrote this text about me being depressed and going to a shrink. Great (read with irony)! Now it's just to wait for the feedback. It probably sucks. And I delivered myself out way too much. But that be. Take it as it comes. And relax. Right?

So the English was a major failure. And the psych...? Actually not that bad after all. But I got this tension, and because he has a degree in psychology, he definitely noticed. We mostly talked about this tension and anxiety I have, that I don't like to talk about this whole gay thing, and what could happen if I come out. It was as if I sat on needles the whole hour, and I kind of feel it still at this point, but it was OK. He's a decent guy.

Though, I told him today that I write this blog, and that I write in English in stead of Norwegian. He replied that a lot of people do so (writing in another language than their mother tongue), and said that this is because when you write in another language than you talk on a daily basis, everything becomes more distant. Which I kind of figured out already. But that be. Psychiatrists as parents does something with you... My brother and I are perfect examples on that.

At the end he asked me whether I want to take it slow and kind of just gently swipe what I don't like to talk about, or go more directly into it. He must have sensed that I probably need a push into it. Because it really ain't easy. So I said it was OK to take it a bit more direct. Since we today didn't talk anything about my sexual orientation today, though we both probably knew that we were, just without mention any words on it...

So next appointment Thursday next week. Which is more frequently than before. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but whatever. I'll try not to worry too much now. Take it as it comes. Though that project will probably fail.

Yes, and the psychoanalyzing thing... He psychoanalyzes me, and I psychoanalyze him back. That's OK, right? It makes it easier for me, at least, when I believe I understand what he's thinking. I might not, but that be.

So now I'm officially a crazy blogger, blogging about me, myself and my life. Not so interesting... But please don't judge.

I'm Scared

I'm freakin' scared.



So... I'm back at the psych tomorrow. Which is terrifying. Last time I sat in that red chair I was stiff as a statue, could barely speak, and didn't really know what this actually means. So why am I even going?

Difficult things sucks. I really don't want do this. Discussing my life, my love, my person - me. Can't I just leave it alone? What if I just quit? Because I am a quitter, after all. And I can quit whenever I want. But why not?

It's not worth it. Quitting wont make it easier. It will probably just make it harder. Living on an eight all the time is worse than living on a ten sometimes, and five other times. But it wouldn't hurt if everything was a bit easier.

Maybe I'm not a quitter after all... Really, I don't know. But I know I'll try my best not quitting therapy (I can call it that now, right?) before I'm over this mess. Try my best. Doing what I'm supposed to do, what I'm asked to do. And right now I feel both myself and the rest of the world wants me to continue. Make it better for myself. And for everyone else.

I'm not going to quit. Still, I'm more than a little confused. Talking is really scary, confusing and bad at the same time. But I'm not going to quit.

Want to be scared with me?

Relaxing Techniques

Now, take a breath. Relax. Shoulders down, smile with both mouth and eyes. Don't talk too fast. And no hateful comments.

I think I might write this down on post-it's all over my room before Friday so I won't ever forget. Because relaxing methods are important when you're about to spend 72 hours with half of your family surrounded. Especially when you two weeks ago told your mother that you don't think your grandfather deserves your love and caring. At all.

This is a time I'm very glad I get to talk about my problems with a psych that doesn't know me. And when I think about that I have to spend the whole holidays with my grandfather and the rest of my mother's family, I just want to hide under a blanket and stay there. I just don't like them. They've poisoned my life.

Why they're so bad? Because they can't see nor understand that I'm not a Christian. Not so complicated, after all. Or, they do it complicated. Ruining it all. And no, I don't hold anything bad against Christianity. I know a lot of wonderful people that happen to believe in God and Jesus. And I respect my friends, whatever their beliefs, as well as they respect me. So why can't my family just respect me and love me for who I am?

I've asked myself that last question a lot of times. I can't find any good answer, though. So now I've ended up with a "whatever"-attitude. Whatever. I don't care whether they love and respect me or not anymore. But I do care about what they say to me and what they act like. If they act like idiots, I care. I get angry.

So now I'm angry. And confused. But that be. At least I have two great cousins. So I'm going to enjoy next weekend to the fullest with my loving, respecting and fantastic cousins, trying to not get too angry and bitchy around the rest of them.

Take a deep breath.

Breaking Hearts

OK, now there is this guy in my class... Actually there are two. And I don't have a crush on them, but from what I've experienced and read about crushes and symptoms, I think they might have a crush. On me...

This is what too many girls strive for when they're 15, right? But for me... The only thing on my mind when thinking about this is "What is wrong with this?". And no, that was not a joke.

But clearing my feelings out of it all: What am I supposed to do? I don't want them. That's reality. And if I should ever switch teams... No, seriously, that will probably never happen. It's more likely that I end up in celibacy than that I'll find a man (with male genitalia) I feel a great attraction towards and want to marry. And I really don't think that will ever happen.

But OK, I don't want neither of them. Should I just throw it in their faces? "Sorry, I really don't like men. Or, in that way, you know..." So never gonna happen. And what if they ask me out? Maybe I'll end up messing up their brain or something. And pity-dating... That's just wrong, right?

I feel truly sorry for these guys... But what can you do? And as long as I don't date them, I guess I can't cause that much harm, right? Let's hope so. Both for me and them.

Am I a boys magnet? Because that sucks.

This Is How It Goes

Tuesday was my fourth time at the psych. It's still scary. Fucking unbelievably scary. But it's OK. I think and hope and believe I get something out of it talking to this guy, so...

But it's really hard. Especially when talking about things I wish would never ever be said a word about. Still, I gotta stay strong, right? And, however stupid and cliche it sounds like: I'm not doing it just for myself. It's OK to not be happy all the time, but sometimes it gets too much, just causing pain on everyone else.

Both last time and this Tuesday he asked me how I feel about going to him and talk. I said I really think it's scary, but I'm OK with it. It's better talking to him than not talking to anyone, after all. So he asked me why I am afraid coming. "Is it because it's scary talking about certain subjects?" he asked. Couldn't do anything else than confirm that. But who ain't afraid of that? No, I'm not comfortable talking about my sexuality. Sorry, but that's just how it is...

I didn't tell him that I don't like talking about that, though. But of course we had to discuss it eventually. I could feel every muscle in my body tighten. My eyes looked around fast to find a safe spot to look at when he said the word 'lesbian'. I was just so scared.

Later that session he pointed out to me that I got more tense when talking about certain subjects. He could see it. But that's what you learn taking psychology at university, right?. Still, it's quite scary. That a person can read you like that (even though it might have been quite easy to spot, after all). Yes, I do it all the time (social heritage), but I tend not to say anything. Because it's freaky. Especially when you don't want anyone to know, which you usually don't. Scary and freaky...

Can I make that an argument not to go? That it's scary to talk about stuff, and that I'm freaked out when he "reads" me? No, seriously. Keep up tough, right? I gotta make me my own pep talk tonight. Or at least before next session.

I'm not used to open up to people. Maybe that's what's scary, bottom of the bottle. At the moment I'm not quite sure. But opening up is scary. Right? But I'll do good. Get my ass down there in two weeks as I did this week. Try to talk about it as good as I can, hoping (and wanting) to do better.

So this is to say something about how talking to the psych is doing. Because it's hard explaining what we're talking about, and so that I can sort things out and put it in perspective. Just to look at the whole thing.

And yes, the tissues are still to be used. I don't cry easily.

'Round The Globe (And Back Again)

I want to move. Anyone tagging along? We could enter The Dwight School in New York City or something. Just give me anything. Because I don't think I can live so much longer in Norway without ending up in jail...

But The Dwight School... Not that a bad idea, or what? Study hard (challenges included in the price), meet new people and make a career. Get away from the crazy family and live on scholarships and stuff instead. And trust me: There is a scholarship. Or two (thousand).

I think moving out would do good to me. No, you shall not run away from your problems, but some free time before solving them can't do any harm, right? A couple of years where I can be myself, live like I want to, and make myself happy, for once. Get to know the real me. That's my dream.

Yeah, I really, really want to move. Because I'm a person I don't want to be. I'm a liar - false and untrue to my surroundings. And I don't want to keep on doing that. Lie to everyone around me, make everything worse because I can't be myself. To me that's equal to a bad person. Which means I'm a bad person.

So, will you tag along if I can convince my parents to send me away? People at boarding schools end up pretty OK, right? And to be honest, I think I'll end up better if I move somewhere else than if I stay home longer. Nearly 15 years at the same place; That could bore the majority of us.

Psychoanalyzing... God, sometimes genes suck!

Talking About It

I wish I was out to everyone. Or that I could come out to everyone. But at the moment I can't.

The last half a year I've lost friends. I just stopped talking to them, stopped being with them. I kind of isolated myself from the world. And I regret. I wish I wasn't that a bitch that escaped from her friends just because she had some bad days. I don't want to be like that.

What if I one day would just knock on the front door at one of my friend's house? Just ask her whether I could talk with her. Tell her I'm gay, that I like girls, or just say "Girl, just so you know: You can have your boys for yourself as long as I can have my girls." If life was that easy...

Yesterday I was about to yell "I'm gay!" into the living room. Still, I didn't. Because I'm a big wimp too afraid to be myself. That sucks. And when writing about it: I can barely say homosexual and gay in Norwegian. That's how accepting I am towards myself; I can't say what I am, not to myself nor to anyone else.

High five for being gay and super-not-accepting!

National Coming Out Day

It's US National Coming Out Day. Which made me think:

I'm not nearly out yet. The only person I've come out to is one of my best friends (and a couple of people in the health sector), so I must say I got a way to go. But thanks to all the other queers around (both here in Norway and around the world) who have come out, it might be easier for me the day I finally decide to be honest about who I am to everyone around me.

And I can't wait. I just can't wait for the day I can be myself, the day I don't have to be scared anymore. The day I come out to my family might end up as hell, but from that day I can be me.

Yes, I certainly know it's hard to come out. I'm scared my coming out story will end up bad, and it's quite secure being in the closet for me at the moment. But I still want to do it. Come out. Living a lie ain't easy either. And even how horrible my family might take it when I tell them I'm gay: I can't keep lying to myself for the rest of my life. I think that might be worse.

So... I can't be all proud and happy that I'm gay today. I can't celebrate that I'm out. Because I'm not, at least not today. A year form now; Maybe. But not today. Even though: Today, October 11th, is an important day. A couple of years from now I might stroll around the town I live in and be gay and proud, supporting everyone in the closet as well as out in the free. I look forward to that day.

Good luck, everyone!

The Psych

So this whole blog has ended up as a public diary for people who cares or are interested in my life and my thoughts. But OK, I'm ruling over the whole thing, right?

Anyway, today I was talking to a psychologist for the first time. I've been to the nurse three times, and she asked me whether or not I want to talk to a psych in stead of her. And I said yes. So I went to talk with this Fredrik guy.

In the beginning, after I said I would like to talk to him, I really didn't know why I said yes at all. But I got an appointment and went down to the place he works. Thankfully a good friend walked down with me, so I would actually enter the building. I sat down and waited for him, and after a couple of minutes he called me into his office.

We sat down, and he started by going through some agreements and basic info. Then he told me what the nurse had said about me after talking to her, and asked me what I thought about the situation. I said I wasn't quite sure about the whole thing and what's making me depressed. I also told him some about me and myself and what could cause the feelings I have.

After a while just talking (and me mentioning my family a couple of (thousand) times), he said he wanted draw a history line. We went down on Mom and Dad's relationship with each other and with me, the divorce and stuff. It ended up quite interesting because I haven't thought so much about my relationship with my parents (or in this context), and it made me think. It seemed like it made Fredrik think as well, but I don't know...

It was quite successful, after all, and I'm going back in two weeks. Let's hope it helps and that I get over this...

Too Desperate

I'm totally too desperate. Just check out what I wrote this Monday for a written task in English... The task was to "write a modern short story about two people in love, and parents who, for some reason, don't accept it."


Hiding
“Hi! Come inside. Christopher? Daniel is here!” Chris’ mother closed the door after Dan. And just within a couple of seconds he could see Chris at the top of the staircase. His beautiful smile lightened the whole face of Chris, and Dan couldn’t do other than to smile back at him.
“Hi!” Chris said, “I’ve just started reading. Come upstairs!”

They went into his room and sat down on the bed. Dan opened his bag and pulled out his English books.
“So…” Chris went, “Have you thought about it yet?”
“Eh… What?” said Dan, looking at Chris.
“Well, do you want us to be a couple?”
“Oh, that. Of course I want to. It’s just… You know, difficult.”
“I know it’s difficult. Life is difficult! And I don’t mean we should go official or anything. I’m not crazy. But… Well, I don’t know.” Chris lowered his head.
“Listen, Chris: I really like you. And I want to be with you. But my family, your family and the whole town make it hard.” Now Dan took Chris’ hands in his: “Let’s be together. I would love to. OK?”
“OK.” Now Chris smiled: “I really do love you.”

“So, senior prom is next Friday. Have you got a date yet?” Dan’s best friend, Greg, asks him after PE class.
“Well, not really…” Dan said. Or, technically he did have a date, but could he pull it through with Chris?
“You have to ask Jessica,” Greg kept going, as in another world: “She’s totally the sexiest girl of the seniors. Or, didn’t Dylan ask her? Now, I don’t know, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right?”
“Yeah…” Dan replied, not interested.
“Anyway, you better get on gear before all the hotties are gone!”
Get on gear… No, more likely get the courage to go to prom with a guy. Courage, that was the thing.

“Chris?” Dan said. He sat on the green carpet on the floor, and looked up at Chris studying in the bed: “Do you want to go to prom with me?”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“You and me. At prom. Do you want to?”
“Are you seriously?” Dan nodded. “Yes! Of course I will! But wait. What about Mom and Dad? They’re definitely going to find out if we go.”
“Then we have to tell them.”

Chris and Dan were terrified about telling them. Both of their families were Catholics, and shared a vision that a man and a woman should get married and have children. Not to men. What if they denied it all? Or what if they would disown them, kick them out of the house and cut finances?

The evening before prom Chris checked over his suit for the last time. His mother entered his room: “So, who’s the lucky girl? You haven’t told me yet.”
“Mom, I have to tell you something,” Chris started: “I’m going to prom with Dan.”
“What? Are you…?” Chris’ mother asked slowly.
“Yes.”
“Then get out of my house.”

The doorbell rang at Dan’s house, and Dan opened. He had tears in his eyes, and the sound of someone crying inside reached all the way to the door.
“Oh… You told them as well?” Chris asked.
“Yes. What happened with you?” Dan could see that Chris carried a dark blue bag with him.
“I was kicked out of the house.”
“Shoot.”
Then Dan went to his room, packed a bag as well, and together he and Chris went outside to Dan’s car. They put their belongings into the trunk, and drove into the night.

“So, what do we do now?” Dan asked.
“I got an aunt in San Francisco. She might let us stay there a couple of days.”
“San Francisco... That’s a 12 hour drive.”
“True. But it’s probably the best solution at the moment.”
“Then let’s go.”


Read and judge me yourself. And yes; I did got an A+, even though I definitely didn't deserve it...

Emotionally Crazy Ride Or Something

OK. Now breathe.

Yesterday I was talking with the nurse again. Alone. And I'm... Well, I think it's hard to talk about the whole gay issue (because it is now) in Norwegian. The words seem wrong, nothing really fit with my thoughts, and everything's just wrong. Which sucks. Big time. And I have no idea what to do.

So we talked for about 45 min (which is crazy long). Discussing everything, I guess. But it was like I didn't knew what to say because I didn't quite knew how I feel at the moment. So I kind of ended up pulling out a lot of shit, and blah... This is probably the first time I'm not quite sure how to express myself at all; The language(s), the words, the meanings, the feelings. Nothing's working right now concerning words. Not even written.

But still: I definitely see that I'm happier now than two weeks ago. So even though my thoughts are going crazy in my head, I've talked about it. And I see that writing can help, but talking in general can help more. Because for me it's way more personal to say something than writing something (even though I put my soul into my writing).

What scares me the most is if the nurse doesn't take me seriously (but I think she does). No, I have no idea what she can really do to help me. I don't see any solution. But somehow it is helping. Just getting everything out.

What is bad about this talking thing (except the fact that I'm lost in the world of words) is that I don't really know why I ended up at the nurse's office in the first place. No, I'm not happy with my life. I don't like to be gay. I'm scared. But is that the key to happiness? To not be scared anymore? To fully accept the fact that I'm gay? Will I see the good sides of life then? Or is it something else?

There might be something else. I've had some struggles in my life. But who hasn't? Why am I the sad girl, not someone else? Why am I in the emotional cellar?

All I want is to find out what's going on. Yes, I have been psychoanalyzing myself quite a few times (social heritage, don't blame me), but I can't find the root to this mess.

Blah. Self-psychoanalyzing sucks. Especially when it's me about me. Any idea what to do? What to say? I guess she thinks (or that's what my friend and I told her) it's all about the gay thing. Honestly, I don't know.

Anyway, she talked about sending me to this guy named Fredrik. I think he's a shrink or something. Psychologist. Can I say I hope she does? Because I do.

As said before: Shrinks and psychologists should not have kids. Or at least not with each other. Because they're crazy.

Yes, I Am Complaining

So yeah... My grandparents are here coming from the other side of the country because Mom left my brother and I three weeks ago for some conference and Dad and his wife went to Naxos, Greece this Friday. And I truly wish they didn't come.

I've said some words about my grandparents. They're quite right wings and (not so) mildly conservative, quite opposite of me, which has caused some problems concerning my relationship with them. That definitely sucks, but on the other hand, I can't get away from that I love discussions.

Even though, them being here with me the whole weekend has been challenging. I don't know what's up with them, but I suspect Grandma trying to make everything good again (from what they did when I was having my confirmation). And Grandpa is just acting as nothing's changed. My dreams...

Speaking honest: I know I can be quite harsh with people sometimes, but it's just because I want to challenge the way people look at each other and the rest of the world. I (usually) don't mean anything bad about it. But with my grandparents... I can't deny I'm still a bit mad at them. But if you ask me they haven't done anything trying to make everything good again, so I think I should be allowed to show my feelings for once.

The only thing I want is an apology. Which I probably will never get. And now they're making my weekend worse than it has to be. I don't appreciate it. If you don't like who I am, stay out of my life! I just want to be happy.

I'm angry at them. That's just how it is. Fin.

Courage

Finally! I finally went to the school nurse, and now I'm going to talk to her about it. Which is terribly frightening...

For a long time my goal has been to go and talk with the school nurse about the whole sexuality issue and my family and stuff. Half a million times I've said to myself: "This is the day." But nothing ever happened (except that time in June, which didn't lead to anything anyway), summer holiday came and went, and at a sudden my teacher wasn't my teacher anymore. So I couldn't tell her at one of the student/teacher meetings, which is probably the one way I would be able to tell her anything (since I'm such a coward).

Even though, this Tuesday I was thinking it all over once again. So I decided to go for it, and sent a text message to a good friend of mine (who was the only one I could possibly get with me, since I haven't told anyone else) where I asked if she was in for it.

Next day I walked around nervous all morning thinking about when to go. I (believe it or not) tend to not skip classes, but now I had to. So before last class I asked my friend if we could go now, and then we did. Now I'm so glad I didn't try to go alone, because I really couldn't speak. At all...

But now it's OK, and I'm happier than I have been for a long time. Next Wednesday I'm going to talk with her again. I really hope I get words for it all, because I definitely got problems speaking about this. But I think it will get better.

Note: Somehow my writing style has changed dramatically. I don't know how, but it just did. Hopefully I'll be "back to normal" concerning my writing soon. Time will show.

Election Day

So I did it. I voted!

Here's the thing:
In Norway there's a Lutheran church (run by the government) who got election at the same time as the political election. I'm a member of this church (because my parents enrolled me when I was a baby), and since I'll be 15 this year, I can vote in the church election (but not in the political one, though). And even though I don't consider myself as a Christian, I voted.

Now I know several people will say I'm "using the church" and "not a true Christian". Both of this is true, but who can say the church hasn't used me as well? I never wanted to become a member; This was just decided by my parents when I was born. So why can't I vote? I just did my duty as a citizen.

Actually I agree with those who says I shouldn't have voted. But I did. The reason is that when I am a member, I want to do what I can to make (what I think is) positive changes in the church, and steer it in a liberal direction. That isn't as bad, right? I did it for a reason.

I'm happy I voted. I think I did the right thing. Now my biggest hope is that other people did as well, based on some of the same thoughts as me. And who knows? Maybe Norway will end up with a church that (for once) supports everyone.

Day To Day

It's been a while since I last posted something about myself right now and what's happening in my life, so I thought "Why not?". Here you go:

School started August 17th. It was just back to do the ordinary stuff with the ordinary people. Or almost. A great teacher, whom I trusted, switched to another class, which sucks. So it's not as easy to talk to her anymore, and she's one of the few I can trust. Now I probably have to do it all myself (damn it).

The thing I have to do is to talk, like really talk, to someone. Someone who can get me out of this darkness. Which means I got to increase my courage up to a level that makes me able to talk about this stuff. And go talk with somebody.

Everything is so much easier inside my head. If I actually could talk about my feelings, I wouldn't be held back with everything today. But I'm too scared.

The plan is to go and talk with the nurse. But a) I don't want to skip class, and b) I can't even knock on that (excuse my language) fucking door. So I have no idea what to do. Except psychoanalyzing myself. Which is scary, and not really working.

Session done for today. Mark in protocol: Never ever become a shrink, marry another one and have children. It's just not a good idea.

Normal Or Not Normal, That's The Question

If I ever get famous (for anything) and write a self biography, it will be named "Normal".

I was thinking on the way home from the grocery store. About my lovely (read ironically) life, and what I make out of the problems I have. Because I (technically) don't have a problem with my sexuality (since I don't really care), and believe it's as normal to be homosexual as heterosexual. So no, I don't have a problem with it. But I do got a problem with what a big part of the world make out of my sexuality. And mostly what they make out of me.

The thing is that a big amount of the Earth's population believe that:
a) Homosexuality is wrong and against all written/unwritten laws;
b) Homosexuality does not exist;
c) Homosexuality in it self isn't wrong, but a person shall not act on his/her feelings.
As much of an expert I can be, being 15 and gay, I would say those thesis are all incorrect.

Back to my problem: I have a problem with people who assume you're strait when you're not. Which basically means almost every single person I happen to know. Which again sucks.

But, OK. That's how we're brought up, how "everyone else" looks at the world: That we're all straight until the contrary is proved. That's just how it is at the moment. I wish it was otherwise. Because it affects the lives of millions of people. People die because of the fact that many look at homosexuality as not "normal".

Yes, we're on our way making it better to not fall under the "umbrella of normal", but we're definitely not all the way there yet. Young people still commit suicide because they don't look at themselves as normal, based on everything from looks, hobbies, personal achievements, family situation, and sexuality. But maybe some day... Personally I can't wait for that day to come.

In the US there's a helpline for LGBTQ youth called The Trevor Project. They do a fantastic job for suicidal LGBTQ youth with a non-profit helpline. To get to know more visit their homepage (), where you may also donate to help them to keep up their good work.
Helpline number (within the US):866-4-U-TREVOR (866-4-8-873867)

My "Gaydar" Isn't Working

There is a myth that all gay people have a "gaydar". Which sucks, because I don't have any. To be honest I have no idea if a person I meet is gay, straight or anything in between. And that really bothers me, because if you were in my shoes I bet you would also think it would be good to know who's gay and who's not.

Maybe I could wish for a gaydar as a birthday present? As long as it's possible (but it probably isn't).

But if I have a gaydar, it certainly isn't working. I'm just guessing on my way through the world. Of course you could say that this femme boy over here's "so gay", but he doesn't have to be. And the next time you see a girl who from the back seems like a guy; She doesn't have to be gay. Both of them might be gay, for sure, but not necessarily.

No, I don't see how people could possibly have a gaydar. Gays are so different that if you don't see them make out with a human of the same sex as them self it's pretty much impossible to say they're gay. And there's the experimental as well, so it's not so easy even with the "make out test".

But if anyone knows where to get a gaydar, please message me. It definitely could be for a use!

Fun In The Sun, Or In The U.S.

I want to travel. Far, far away, without my parents. Just me, maybe another good friend or two, but none I'm not able to be myself around. That would be great, even without a lot of money except the plane ticket.

I know pretty much where I would have traveled, what I would do, and with whom. It would probably be around in the US, all over the country. With whom I won't tell you, but they're both two of my best friends.


First of all we have to visit New York City. And go to the Mac store. That's the number 1. But when you're in New York, there's a lot of other things to do: Jog in Central Park + a picnic in the middle of the day; Shopping in SoHo, Greenwich Village and in smaller streets all over Manhattan; Dine in Little Italy; Go to a musical (Sound of Music, Chicago or Hair?); Gay Bar, and maybe get to see some vogue; Ellis Island; and just wandering around in this lovely city.

Another thing I would love to visit Detroit. Just for fun, since I, to be honest, have no idea what to do there... But thanks to Google/visitdetroit.com I found out there's a Motown museum there, and that's a place I have to go!

Anyway, my father has told me it's pretty cool to take the train through the desert across the country in a two-floor thing with a window in the roof at the top where there's beds. I hope that's still a reality, because it seems quite interesting to sleep in a train in the middle of the desert looking into the sky all night long. So, from Detroit to San Fransisco it goes!

San Fransisco has been a dream destination for a while now, with a whole lot I would love to see. Yosemite park is a must. Other things would be to go to Pier 39, the Alcatraz Island, and maybe try out California's Great America. Visiting Ripley's would also be fantastic, and California Academy of Science seems to be such a incredible place. And if there's a chance for me to get to try out rafting again, I definitely will!

Even though I have been in Los Angeles twice, I was just a child, so to get there when I'm old enough to remember everything would be great. In LA there are Hollywood + the Walk of Fame, the Guinness Museum, Disneyland and bathing, pretty much everything important!

Last, but not least, San Diego Pride. That would be awesome, and a perfect ending. And then it's just to head back home (or stay and start at college or something).


I know it's just a dream, but if I'll run over a lot of money once... No, but still. Being off for vacation with friends in stead of family would be great. Just staying cool and relaxed, and most importantly having fun! Sometimes you have to enjoy yourself, right?

Always Look At Bright Side Of Life

Yes, I think it's pretty important to look at the bright side, but sometimes you have to deal with the bad things as well. It's not good to store the bad feelings, but talk about the things bothering and get over with it. I tried to deal with the bad stuff yesterday, but it didn't work out like I wanted:

I've talked about talking with someone with a good friend of mine (because she's the only one who knows) and we figured out I should ask my teacher about going to the nurse. (In the beginning the plan was to tell her everything, but my teacher is a little bit intimidating, so we figured out just to go for the nurse thing.)
I finally talked to her, but that was like 2 1/2 week before summer break. My teacher couldn't get the nurse on the phone, so she said if it "was in a hurry" I could just go downstairs to her office at the 10th.
So I did go to her office in the lunch break (me halfway dragging my friend, she halfway dragging me), but no one opened the door. Then I pretty much gave up, even though I probably should have skipped class and go down to her (but we're working on a school play, so it wasn't the best time doing it).

Looking at the bright side I did talk to my teacher (I'm so shy that it's quite unbelievable that I actually did), and I'll try again after the summer holidays.

And that song is so awesome!

Who Cares?

Arguing. Discussions. Every person got it's own point of view, even though it sometimes isn't very strong presented. So; Why do we even care being disagree?

I just checked in on the discussion forum on Unge Venstre's web page. Scrolling down on several topics, a thought popped into my mind: Why do we even care? Why do we start arguing in the first place? Why care about politics?

Well, I'm pretty obsessed with politics, and it's hard to not find anything to discuss when talking to me. I got an opinion on everything. And something I find very negative in our present society is how many who tends to not care. OK, maybe it's something that have been for forever, but really? REALLY?! How can't you care about your wage, children's education, health care and civil rights? You serious?

Still, there's one thing I would like to be: I wish schools were more up to front political participation. That we would learn more about politics in general, debating, the different political parties, and what the politics actually does. Because I believe not that many my age knows too much about politics. Since we never learn about it in school...

Yeah, that was just a shout out to... Everyone?
Anyway; Politics rock!

The Bible Says

OK, so I finally told someone that I'm gay. Or, I added her on Twitter, and she found my blog. Which, I believe, might have been quite a shock. I don't know, because I kind of haven't got the guts to talk about it face to face with her. But we'll see, and now she might even read this (which scares me to hell).

Well, me on my way out of the closet isn't that exciting to read about (if any of my thoughts are), but my thoughts about religion and parts of my biological family. Because several persons in my family disagree the way I've chosen within religion.

To understand the whole thing there's some things necessary to know about my family:

* My grandfather was a minister, and even though he used to be preaching in a Protestant church he's doing a good time being Catholic in mind and soul.

* Dad's against abortion, gay rights and researching on stem cells, and a "true Christian."

* There's several others that's more than "a bit" Christian as well, but using a day writing about them ain't worth it.

Anyway, in Norway most of the 15-year-olds "confirm" their faith to God. There's thankfully other options as well, without the Christianity part. So I chose one of those options, against my family's will. Still I got it through. Well, after several weeks learning about religion, love, respect and so on, there was a celebration to celebrate me becoming an adult. Almost everyone in the family came, people held speeches for me and so.

Gramp have been going against it all the way (and he's probably praying for me getting "cured" as well), but I didn't care. In the party he held a speech, pointing out all the Christianity around me and so on. And he gave me a bible. Seriously? When I've tried for months saying I'm an Agnostic, he's giving me a bible!

The sad thing was that he kind of ruined my day. I was about to cry when he gave me it. But that's how it goes.

Not So Good Love After All

This hit me today: Why the hell am I intimidated by my teacher? As I told a couple of weeks ago, I was up to a parent meeting (where my homeroom teacher, let's call her "Joan", my father and I sit down for half an hour talking about me and school). It didn't go terrible, and, thankfully, no words said about the "torpedo hirer." Only thing is that I'm scared to death...

The reason I'm scared isn't because "Joan" is a murder. Nor is she afraid of garlic. The whole stupid thing is that I kind of have a crush on her. And since I wrote about this gay couple (which no 9th grader would ever do if they aren't gay themselves (or so it is in Norway), I'm pretty sure "Joan" thinks I'm gay as well. Like 95% sure.

And, I assure you, that isn't really so bad, after all. But I really want to just tell her instead of writing stupid and terribly bad short stories to explain. Still, there's something that really sucks. Since I have a crush on her, I act horrible when I'm around her. Which is really bad. But the worst thing is that I think she knows...

Yes, she's very accepting (or so I think), but there's no fun in having a crush on your homeroom teacher. Especially not if there's a good chance she knows you're gay and that you got a crush on her.

So, here I am. Madly in love with woman. And there's nothing wrong with it. But what I want is not to have a crush on my homeroom teacher (who grades me in five subjects). I want to tell her I'm gay!

Yeah... That's the reason I try to avoid her in the corridor. But I do look her in the eye, and she looks back. Gosh, I'm really a mess...

FYI: I'm tired and sad, OK? Please don't get mad that I kind of act some egoistic. 'Cause I know. And I'm sorry about that.

Political Parties

I'm seriously up to get involved in politics. Like in a political party. But I just have to find out what party to join... That will be hard.

My Dad's very active in the local KrF (Christian People's Party*), but they're way too conservative for me. I think I'll end with Venstre (Left*), SV (Sosialistic Left*), Ap (The Workers Party*) or Rødt (Read*). But I don't know. And that's what I have to figure out now.

The things I think is important, is education, economics, environment and equality. And this is what I think about each of it:

Education:
* Longer school days with free warm school meals every day and many clubs and activities on school, making school a place to come together.
* Better learning environment and better teachers.
* More parted teaching, easier for "smart kids" to learn new stuff and not getting bored to death.
* A new and proper school revolution.

Economics:
* Using more of our oil funds' money to better schools, hospitals and other communal agencies.
* Help poor countries to develop by learning, not cold hard cash.
* Play a bigger part in the world's economics.

Environment:
* More and higher taxes on pollution.
* Play a bigger part in global environmental issues.
* Bigger resources to scientists working on environmental issues and solutions.

Equality:
* Better education on minorities at school, such as immigrants, the LGBTQ community, and people in different parts of the community.
* More open debates.

Now I see why there are so many argues at home...

*Directly translated, I have no idea what they would be called if they had English names. I just know they're pretty liberal all of them.

I'm Scared. For Real.

On Thursday I got a note from my homeroom teacher. I'm up to a parent meeting. And what stroke to me, even though I knew it would come some day? NOOOO!

The reason I'm not very happy having a parent meeting isn't that I'm such a bad girl. I do well in school, I've never beat up anyone, and I just argue a bit with my teachers. The reason is that I last week wrote a short story at school (kind of like an exam). And it wasn't about planning any terror attack, but about a woman and her becoming wife.

"Jeez, it's just about a gay woman, who cares?" you might say. Well, it's not nothing. First of all, my dad's very conservative. For the second, I'm pretty sure nobody in Norway would ever write about that not being gay themselves, and that will lead my teacher to believe I'm gay. As I am. But the whole thing is that if she ever even hints about that to Dad, who's the one coming, I'll be dead.

No, I'm not scared what my teacher will think or say, but if she ever mentions anything near me being something he doesn't want me to be, life won't be easy the upcoming months.

Gosh, I feel dead already. Just please let it be, I beg you!

If you want to read my story, check out my other site where I post many of much of my written work: http://sunnys-texts.blogspot.com/ (You probably have to scroll a bit down, but it's there, called "The Torpedo Hirer"

A Future Diplomat

I tend to like politics. Those who know me will definitely confirm that. So, in my winter holiday, I asked Dad what he believe is a good job for me. And he said "Diplomat." Well, well... After walking around as crazy thinking about it, I can agree on that.

The pro's:
* I like discussions.
* I don't want to live in Norway.
* I'm doing well with languages.
* I'm quite good ending argues and find solutions best suited for everyone.
* I'm versatile.
* I would definitely love the job.
* I like adventures.

And at the moment, I can't find any con's. Quite lovely, right?

Any other suggestions? I like almost everything. The only thing I definitely can't work with, is soccer. And there's 100% seriousness in that...

"Hi, Meet My Girlfriend!"

I like women. Yep, I do.

For a while now I've been wondering how it would be to have a girlfriend. Of course there are battles, but still it seems quite nice. To have someone who cares for you and love you, like a friend, but also like something more.

Then how will it be when I get a girlfriend? How will my friends react? And my family? Of course I have to tell them my little secret before that time, but will they be like all OK with it, or won't they like her at all? There's so may questions, but so few answers.

And if we say that I find a girlfriend, we fall in love, move in together, and, at the end, get married. If I then go home for vacation to Norway, what will happen? Me wandering through my hometown, meeting old classmates and so. They being 30, working at an office, having a wife or a husband, and maybe a child or more. Me working as a text writer or something, with my wife, and now home for vacation. Will it be just great? Or not?

Yes, and of course, the meeting with a former teacher. They might be retired, or in their middle age working. Ol' an' gray, but still with that same character as they used to have. "Hi, meet my girlfriend! Ain't she sweet?" How would they react? What would they think of me? Will they reply with "Satan has taken you!" or "Oh, hello! Yes, she's adorable!"

Yep, I really want a girlfriend...

Snow, Dear Snow

This is unbelievable news: We have snow! The snow has been here a week now, but it's on it's way back to under the ground. That's a bit sad, though. Because I love snow.

Here where I live the winter lasts for about 2 weeks broken up in smaller pieces of about 4 days in a row with less than 0 degrees Celsius (32 degrees Fahrenheit or less). Now it's been exactly one week with snow and about -5 degrees (Celsius) every day, plus five days with a bright sky.

If you don't live in a place without winter, I would say it's hard to understand. But let so be. There's never a white Christmas (nor for those who live south for the equator, but you don't count,) the whole winter, except 2 weeks, is gray, rainy and dark. No fun. It's not even fun to drink hot chocolate.

But I've been skiing and figure skating on a real lake (without cooling devises in it)! I'm sorry if it's a bit too much snow talk, but really. It's snow! Who doesn't melt when they see lovely white dots falling from heaven?

And by tomorrow it'll be gone...

Home, Sweet Home...?

I read this article in an add-in magazine called Magasinet about "the art of teaching." There was an interview with the Minister of Education as well, and he told what to do to make people become teachers. The school standard isn't so high if you look at test results and stuff compared to other European countries. And that might be caused by some bad teachers. Or bad education of the teachers... I guess on the second one.

So, when I sat there reading, I came up with something: I don't think I'll suck as a teacher. Maybe I'll be quite good. Who knows? Then I thought a little more about it, and was like: That would be quite fun, actually! And maybe I then would return to my home country, where I'm born and raised. Who knows?

The problem is that I've never felt so home here. I don't feel Norway's the place for me. And even if it is... What if homosexuality will never be totally accepted by Norwegians. Especially not Norwegian parents. What if they think I'll recruit others? Or that the kids will come with comments like "Eww... Like kissing girls?" or "That's so disgusting!"

The truth is that I don't believe they will be in ten years. Many of them aren't like that today either. Even though many of them try to be... So, if I'll ever be a teacher and be out as gay, I probably won't meet 20 death threats a day. Or at least I hope not. It won't be that bad.

But another thing is that I don't want to meet people I know. And be out. Maybe that's what I'm most scared of. Maybe not. But I think I'll stick to that theory. I don't want to meet the homeroom teacher I had in eight to tenth grade when I'm 25-30 years old and be like "Hi, nice to see you again! Here, meet my girlfriend [Whatever the name she'll have]. Not gonna happen.

Maybe I won't stay in Norway as I think about it... Nope.

The Big Talk

I've had some problems with myself the past half a year. Now I kind of know what it's about. Before I didn't. And with my personal problems, I've also had a bit of problem with my homeroom teacher. It's not like she's mean or anything, it's just me.

So we have kind of a chat with our homeroom teacher twice a year or something where we talk about how it's going, both socially, personally and at school.
At Monday it was my turn to talk to my homeroom teacher. In November, at the same type of thing, I told her I was having some trouble. She asked: "In what sort of way?" And I, rambling through my head to come up with something, cause I would never tell her the fact that I'm having identity problems (or not as in sexual identity), wasn't able to say anything else than religion. There I was, telling her about my confirmation (a thing where we "study" religion outside school (and those who go Christian talk a lot about Christianity and the Bible)), not being accepted by my family and all. Then she told me that she's a member of HEF, an organization for atheists and agnostics. And this time we talked more about that.

The point is that I just can't get myself to tell her something like "I'm gay," because:
* The words will not come out of my mouth in Norwegian. And I will not start talking English with her just out of the blue.
* I'm not sure.
* I'm sorry, but I'm a bit ashamed.
* Does she even have anything to do with it?
* I don't want to be all "OMG, I have problems! So many!! HELP ME!!!"
* Yes, and I'm a bit afraid she won't care. And talk to everybody about it. (Even though I know she won't.)

I really wish she would just ask me. She knows there's something up, just not what. And when I miss lead her with religion and all, it's not helping. Jeez...

Life ain't easy...

My Library

I like reading. Actually I tend not to read that many books, even though I really love to. Sometimes it's hard to just sit down and read. Especially when you know there's something else you should do.

For my birthday I got one book, "Princess Diaries vol. 9." I haven't read it yet though, because I haven't read some of the books earlier in the series. So, got that to do. Christmas, in the other hand, brought a lot of fun. I got two other "Princess Diaries"-books that I wanted, two books about Harry Hole by Jo Nesbø, one by Jostein Gaarder and the "Da Vinci Code: Illustrated Edition." Yes, and my mother, believe it or not, was able to order "The Devil's Advocate" and "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" at Amazon.com. So why not tell you about the books?

Princess Diaries vol. 5 by Meg Cabot: None of the "Princess Diaries" books are books I typically read. So... But it is quite fascinating. Even though I have a tendency to psychoanalyze the characters.

Princess Diaries vol. 6 by Meg Cabot: Not read yet, but planning to in the nearest future.

Princess Diaries vol. 9 by Meg Cabot: I haven't read it yet, because I have to read the books before this one, because it's a series.

Nemesis by Jo Nesbø: Not finished yet, but seriously exciting. He writes some of the best books in the world. Dark crime with a quite different main character. Harry Hole is now well known in the land of fiction. Don't miss this book, nor the other ones by Nesbø (www.jonesbo.com)

The Devil's Star by Jo Nesbø: I'm about to start on this book, I just have to finish Nemesis. Actually, I'm as excited as a little girl on Christmas Eve.

The Devil's Advocate by Morris West: Sorry, I haven't read the cover yet. But I think it's good...

Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh & Henry Lincoln: This is the book Dan Brown says he based "The Da Vinci Code" on. I'm dying to read it, just have to find the time.

The Da Vinci Code: Illustrated Edition by Dan Brown: I have read the book already, and didn't really understand why I got it for Christmas by Dad. But I do love the book. Illustrated? If you aren't very into the Bible, the paintings and the places it might help you understand the book better. But I think I'll recommend the film after reading the book instead.

Yeah, and I bought a book called "Forbidden Knowledge" by Michael Powell. On the back it says that it's a book about what "[...]not everyone should know." Some of the chapters are "How To Make A Nuclear Bomb," "How To Produce An Orgasm" and "How To Irritate Your Neighbor." I laughed for hours!


And there are a lot of other books I want to read before I die. But the time...
Yes, and I got Dad to sign me up for a subscription for Time Magazine. Whoho!

Feel free to recommend books under the subjects crime, technology thrillers, conspiracy teories and religion.

Holy...!

I've found my right place. In religions, we're now about to learn a lot of cool things. The subject is about new religions. Such as New Age, Google-fantasists, those who believe in aliens plus plus. Believe me, that's awesome!

In religions we usually learn boring stuff about Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism and that crap. Or it isn't crap, just very boring. But finally, finally the books want to teach us about newer religions and beliefs. Thank you!


This is the faiths I know about for now, but I'll learn about more, trust me:

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Church of Scientology

Unification Church

The Church Of Google


It's not that many, after all. And don't be offended by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, nor the Google thing. Do we have a deal?

The Time Has Passed

Well, then year 2008 is over. Someone might be happy, other sad, and there's those who don't really care. But after all, a new year isn't the absolute start or stop. Because humans are those who make the beginning and the end.

For me, this year has been strange. It started as second half of my fist year at a new school. I felt a bit alone, because when I started, fall '07, I went from a class at nine to a 8th grade at a mass of 114 students. That was very frightening, but also renewing. My group of friends got restricted a lot, but I also got several new friendships. After all, I think I'm standing stronger now than last year.

Also, I got new challenges at school. I think that was the best part. I've always felt different at school, but this year that has gotten better. My teachers (most of them) are challenging me in subjects I felt boring because I knew a lot of what we were thought.

My family, on the other hand, haven't been that easy to deal with. I don't feel close to my family anymore. Maybe I'm the one freezing them out, I don't know... As well in religious thoughts and beliefs. I'm quite against my family at the time, and I'm afraid this will continue in the following year(s).

The one thing that I think has been most on my mind this year, or especially the last half one, is my sexuality. This have been a worry for me, but I've realized a lot about myself as well. I don't know what that will do to 2009, but I think, and hope, that my family won't be a part of that side of my life yet. But maybe I'll do more with my "online life," if I have anything like that.

This year has, after all, been a different year. I've learned a lot about myself and others that I surround in my daily life. Both positive and negative. Maybe I've had this so-called "inner travel." I don't know... But I hope 2009 will be an exciting year with a lot of experiences.

Happy 2009!